Dear dirtbag(s): Stop stealing my lunch! (lame)

The BBQ Pit
1

You know who you are. I know who you are. Would you please just stop it? Twice this week already (and it is only Wednesday!) you have taken stuff out of the fridge/freezer that had my name on it. Mine. Not yours.

Listen: We are all supposed to be adults here. I should not have to write my name on my individual freakin’ Jell-O cup, plus put a Post-It with my name on it on the lid, in order to identify what I brought in to eat. This is not kindergarten. There are 500 people on this floor alone, and I know for sure that we did not all pack green-flavored, sugar-free, generic-brand Jell-O in our lunches.

Are things really that bad, that you need to stoop to taking stuff out of the fridge that you know you didn’t bring in, just so you can have something to eat for lunch? Just last week you were talking about your new “Beemer” and/or your new “Loo-ee” handbag and/or your upcoming 3-week vacation to “the islands.” If you can afford all those things, why can’t you spare the two-fifty for your own damned Lean Cuisine?

And by the way - if things really are that bad, and you really don’t have anything to eat in your house, why don’t you ask someone for help? The grocery store is right up the street. I would personally buy you a box of cereal and some milk, or a sandwich, or whatever it is that you want, my treat, so long as you just ask. In fact, I don’t even care if you want my Jell-O for lunch … as long as you ask if you could have it first!

Look, I’m a reasonable person, but I have my limits. By my count, sine last June, you have taken 10 of my Lean Cuisines, 5 cans of soup, at least a case’s worth of canned soda, 3 bags of Fritos, 2 bags of Chee-tos, three days’ Chinese leftovers (which were supposed to be taken home for dinner), 6 yogurt cups, 5 bottles of water, a half-gallon of milk, and one green Jell-O cup. And that is just what you took from me!

I don’t mind sharing, but I don’t like sneaks. Consider yourself warned: one of these days, maybe soon, you will find that I “enhanced” my chocolate pudding with Ex-Lax. Or worse. OK?

Thanks for your time,
rockle.

PS - Would it kill you to leave me an “anonymous” thank-you note when you eat my stuff? You know who you’re stealing from, since I write my name on everything, and I’m the only “rockle” in the damn building, so it’s not like it would be hard to find me!

PPS - Stop taking all the free ice, too! You know we are not allowed to have personal or departmental fridges.

2

-----Original Message-----
From: rockle
Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 8:02 PM
To: Department
Subject: Missing milk

Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about Java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that the milk was expressly for my son, if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit special, you might think of calling your mom and telling her you love her.

3

How about a couple of Post-its that say, “Hands Off, <name>”? Perhaps then the thief would realize her identity is known and would stop out of shame.

I’ve often noticed that people with Beemers, Lou-ee handbags, or other luxury items are cheap to the point of thievery about everyday expenses.

4

Know what’s sad, tdn? Last week someone - who was not the owner - actually took frozen breast milk out of the freezer here. Triflin’-ass mofos.

5

Don’t I wish … but apparently, one of the thieves of whom I was thinking when I wrote that rant was called out on her “borrowing” last year, before I started. She raised a ruckus with HR and ended up getting the callee fired for “creating a hostile work environment.” Claims it was all a misunderstanding, she was being discriminated against, etc. Totally retarded, from what I understand.

I like this company but there are some people around here who really need a knuckle sandwich sometimes, I think.

6

Forget the Ex-Lax. Use methylene blue.

7

Rockle,

Aside from confronting the bitch regarding her theft, and going to HR about it all, you can do what I do. I have a large lunchbox made by a company called “Frozn”(here’s their product line: http://www.ingearsports.com/coolers_frozn01.html . It’s available from places like Target. My cooler it easily large enough to carry 4 upright-standing 40oz. bottles of booze, and I use it daily to carry lunch for both myself and my wife.

It would keep your food cold or frozen with an icepack int he bottom and you wouldn’t have to deal with the clepto.

Sam

8

Maybe if you gave her a knucke sandwich, she wouldn’t be stealing your lunch.

Well, if HR won’t help you, the only thing I can suggest is to bring your own little mini-cooler with your stuff, to keep in your cube.

I strongly suggest the knuckle sandwich, though. It will be infinitely more entertaining, for you and us here on the boards.

Take pictures.

9

Oh, I’d love to, believe me. On both counts. The problem here is twofold: (1) there is more than one klepto in the office, so it would take a long time to “handle” all of them; and (2) I really need to keep my job, at least until my lottery investment pays off. Maybe on the day I come in to tell them I quit, though … it’s a thought worth entertaining on my next few cigarette breaks.

Here’s something I just don’t get about these people: they know we’re onto them, but they have no shame about it. If I say something to them, they’re all like “Oh, so sorry, grabbed the wrong one,” and then they slink off to do whatever it is that lunch thieves do when they’ve been snagged. But the next day, it’s something else - so, I catch one trying to steal my Jell-O today, and then tomorrow they make off with my yogurt!

GaWd - sounds promising. I don’t bring a whole lot in every day, so I wouldn’t need a super huge one of those thingies, either. I am going to check out Target this weekend.

10

Now that’s my kind of lunch! :smiley:

11

From now on, instead of putting your name on the food, just put “I licked this” on it. If they keep stealing it, lick it for real.
My husband shoots pool on a league and usually orders dinner at the bar they’re shooting at. The vultures on his team were always snatching his food right off his plate without asking, so he finally just started licking all the food. That stopped them in a hurry.

12

THat’s literally the first thing I said when I saw it on the shelf at my local Target- “Whoa, I could put 4 40’s in there and keep them cold”. I had to have it. My wife didn’t see that it was the holy grail of coolers when I mentioned its capacity of “4 40’s”.

It’s been a great lunch carrier, though. Hot OR cold even. I can pack 3 16 oz. cans, 2 apples, 2 oranges, 2 tubs of watermelon chunks, 2 sandwiches, 2 bags of chips, 2 bags or pretzels, a breakfast bar and other assorted goodies inside it. And that’s with the big square icepack at the bottom.

How pathetic, I love my lunchbox. :rolleyes:

Sam

13

Don’t piss in it, I knew a kid in school that did that. It was working well, until he forgot about it, and took a huge pissy swig of OJ.

<shudder>

14

It’s even more annoying when they throw your lunch away in order to steal your disposable plastic container.
This did happen to one of the women who works here. She went to the fridge to get her lunch and it wasn’t there. A few minutes later, she was throwing something in the kitchen trash and there was her food, minus the container.

15

Are you my husband? That sounds like his lunches!

If somebody stole my Jell-O because they wanted the little plastic cup it came in, then they have bigger problems than I thought. Although I wouldn’t put it past anyone around here.

UPDATE: I just heard from someone else in my department that when they went to take their Lean Cuisine out of the freezer for lunch today, the box was in the freezer but the entrée was gone! Someone turned the box around so that you couldn’t tell until you picked it up that it was empty. That is rude AND evil. I think I’m going to “file a report” with the building manager. I bet a company-wide nastygram goes out in the morning.

16

Fucking hell!
That is beyond rude. Stealing someone’s ready meal and leaving the box? Fucking hell.

17

rockle- Keep in mind it’s for 2 people! Though I guess it is a little big…

Yes, definitely complain to HR or building management with your other co-worker about this. I hate rude cow-orkers.

Sam

18

I spit in my Healthy Choice. I finally got sick of people stealing my food. I got one of those dental syringes people use for dry socket, and I poke a hole with a precision screwdriver through the cardboard. I load up the syringe with my spit, and inject it in. It freezes on contact. I then tape up the hole, write my name on the box in big letters, making sure to write on the tape so I can tell if it’s been tampered with, and then write on the side of the box that I face towards the inside of the fridge “I spit in this” in small letters.

I was averaging one lost a week. I’ve lost one since I started doing that. So, at least I can take pleasure in the fact. I certainly hope they were half done before they came accross my little note.

My spit is flash frozen, then microwaved, so I really don’t care about it or think it gross for myself. After all, it’s my spit, and it’s coming from my mouth. I just figure it took a detour.

19

I work in a hospital pharmacy, and we’ve had this issue. Someone opened up a salad in the fridge that didn’t belong to them, ATE THE CHICKEN OUT OF IT, and returned it. Holy cripes, and these are supposed to be professional people!

I think it’s people who have a bone to pick that can’t take out their frustrations in the proper way, so they do something juvinile and spiteful instead. Idiots.

20

That used to happen at my office too, and there’d be nasty e-mails sent to everyone by the person with missing items. I’ll say the same thing as I said everytime I saw an e-mail and the few times I’d had sodas stolen:

If you didn’t put it IN the fridge, you have zero business taking it out!

What is so fucking difficult about that? :mad: