I think you should visit a chiropodist and get a bag of ‘off cuts’ then make up a delicious, succulent meal that happens to involve a load of manky toe skin, toenails and old corns. Mmmm, 'licious.
Today I brought Spaghetti-O’s for lunch and I hid them in a basket I keep on my desk for “tissues.” Except I never have tissues, and everyone knows it, so no one ever goes in the basket looking for any. Why I didn’t think of it sooner, I don’t know. Of course, this will only work for cans of stuff, like soup and Spaghetti-O’s, but it’s better than nothin’.
(Side note: Why in the hell are my $2 Lean Cuisines constantly getting stolen, but not the really valuable stuff, like my Longaberger baskets? Not that I want them stolen, of course - but what is wrong with these people? I have about $200 in baskets on my desk, most of them small enough to fit in a handbag so they could easily be smuggled out the door, but no one has so much as looked at them. Do I work in the Twilight Zone?)
Anyway … when I went into the kitchenette today to make a cup of tea, there was a new note from the Facilities Manager, under the “Violators Will Be Prosecuted” sign. Apparently, Corporate has said that anyone caught stealing anything out of the company fridge will be fired immediately, and they will get docked $5 per item taken from their final check. So now they want us to “sign in” any food that we leave in the fridge. It’s a PITA, but it’s worth it to me to know that they are at least trying to hold the culprits responsible.
Obligatory Snopes link
Visine won’t cause embarassing and inconvenient diarrhea – you’ll have to be content with:[ul][]Lowering body temperature to dangerous levels[]Making breathing difficult, or even halting it entirely[]Blurring vision[]Causing nausea and vomiting[]Elevating and then dropping blood pressure[]Causing seizures or tremors[*]Sending the ingester into a coma[/ul]One of the more dangerous Urban Legends out there. Dinna propagate it if you can possibly help it.
[hijack]Speaking of harmless salted milk stories, here’s another true one:
My little sister was in the kitchen one day (this was years ago) getting something. I asked from the living room what she was getting, thinking that I might like some, too.
Well, her reaction was to jump 3 feet in the air, turn around trying to hide the big gulp cup she had and tell me, “Nothing!”.
Hmmm……ok. :dubious:
She’s up to something. So I asked her could she get my book from my room for me.
She set the cup down on the counter and went to my room for me. The second she was out of the kitchen, I raced in, grabbed the cup and saw a grainy substance in the bottom.
Sugar.
Now, why would she be so secretive about a cup with a few tablespoons of sugar in the bottom?
Don’t know, don’t care! 
Sugar goes down the drain and is replaced with an equal amount of salt.
I get back into place in the living room; she comes back with my book, returns to the kitchen and proceeds to fill the cup up to the top with milk. (See where this is going?)
Lil’ sis comes into the living room , sits in the big comfy chair in front of the tv and proceeds to take a huge gulp….the look was priceless!
I had to stop her from pouring the rest of the carton of milk down the drain because she thought it was spoilt which meant I had to fess up to what I had done, which means I then had to take off running.
Ah, good times. 
[/hj]
I work with only my older sister, so if food goes missing we know who to blame: Our boss. 
I hope the bitch gets caught and fired.
Stuff goes missing from my fridge at home. Not often enough that I know for sure that one of my housemates is helping themselves to my stuff. Just occasionally enough for me to think “I could have sworn I bought (insert item here) yesterday.”