Romola - all sympathies. What a bloody irritating woman!
I would suggest:
(a) returning a few cards/letters from her addressed to you as Mrs HusbandName with “Recipient Unknown” on them.
(b) every single time she calls you Mrs HusbandName say “that’s not my name.” Every third time turn and and walk away.
I’m intrigued that she has so many opportunities to call you by your surname though. Wouldn’t just calling you Romola/Christian name be more appropriate?
Sounds like she’s doing it deliberately, which is rude, so I suggest you return the lack of politeness.
I am surprised that merely requesting common courtesy on your behalf would cause his parents to attack him as you say. These people sound like master manipulators who are masters because they have been allowed to get away with it for so long. Maybe your husband doesnt’ see the name thing as being such a huge issue and that’s why he doesn’t say anything (choosing his battles). If this habit is combined with other disrespectful behaviour, there is no reason for you to put up with it. Minimizing contact may give them incentive. They may not l miss YOU, but once the start hearing about grandchildren they may change their tune. I’m not suggesting you use kids to get what you want from them, but if they don’t have a good bond with you, it will end up affecting their relationship with g-kids in some subtle and not so subltle ways.
Ohh what am I saying? They sound too dense to get that.
There should be a negative incentive for them to do this–just like when teaching a child not to do something.
Its too bad your husband is afraid to confront his parents. But if it were me, he’d be more afraid of confronting me…I’m the one he’s gotta live with
I don’t mean to sound harsh, or critical, just that your scenario is a little familiar
Just one more thing–if they treat you bad now, it will only get worse . You have a long life ahead of you w/ these people. If it bothers you talk to your SO about ways to stop it. You don’t want this getting between the 2 of you. Resentment kills a marriage.
Good luck
Heh, at least mine (usually) write my hyphenated surname properly on envelopes. Some people, however, honestly do think that if a woman hyphenates her married name, it’s still proper to write a letter to them as to Mr. and Mrs. (hisfirstname) (hislastname) or to (hisfirstname) and (herfirstname) (hislastname), though we can be pretty certain that’s not why your MIL is doing this. You might want to think about ‘casually’ leaving a photocopy of a page showing proper addressing etiquette at their house the next time you go there, just to drive the point home.
My family is Brazilian and I’ve spent a great deal of time there. I’ve never observed the daughters not taking the fathers name. Usually the way it works is they take both names.
Fred Mother’s Name Father’s Name.
After marriage, usually the daughter drops her mother’s maiden name and takes her husband’s name.
I’m guessing she’d have a wonderfully patronizing response for the inlaws. Perhaps you could sympathize with them: “Oh, dear. I know it’s so hard to remember my name. Would it help if I wrote it down for you?” or “These modern times must really be disturbing for you! But I’m sure you’ll get used to them eventually.” You can apologize: “I’m so sorry; you addressed this invitation to Mrs. Husband’sname, not to me. Is there any way I could trouble you to send us a correct invitation, so that I can come to this event?” Perhaps you can illustrate by example. “I know that you took your husband’s last name, and that’s why you don’t want to be called Mrs. Inlawsmaidenname. Do you see that for a similar reason, I don’t want to be called Mrs. Husbandsname?” It may be best to do this over the phone or in person, eliciting a response from them.
Perhaps, at social gatherings, you could make a light joke of it in their presence. “Oh, I love mother, but it’s funny, after all these years she STILL can’t remember my name! I know she’ll get it eventually.”
Ouch - I can see how correcting “Sister Husbandsname” is particularly tricky, because if you say “That’s not my name,” it sounds more like “I’m not your sister,” which they can take as an attack on their religion. It seems to me that confusion is the best approach here - don’t respond to “Sister Husbandsname,” and gape prettily if they keep calling you. “Oh, did you mean me? I’m sorry - when you said ‘Husbandsname,’ I thought you were referring to MIL,” (or SIL if there is one).
I have a first name that is often abbreviated, but I use the full name. My biggest problem is when someone introduces me to another using an abbreviated version. (This is particularly tough in a business situation when it’s my superior making the mistake). I generally repeat the correct version while shaking hands, without attempting to call attention to the incorrect version. I’m not sure how to adapt this for family use, though.
I usually do the “repeat the correct name while shaking hands” thing, too.
(actually, yesterday, a cow-orker called me “Liz.” Since I work in a very casual work environment, I growled at him, “If you ever call me Liz again, I’ll knock your block off!” I don’t think that solution would work for you, though. )
LaurAnge, it is not true that in Quebec it is illegal to take your husband’s name. It just isn’t provided for as a matter of course - you must go through all the usual name-change rigamarole that everyone else does. I know plenty of people who were married in Quebec (not least my parents) and managed to successfully change their names.
If I weren’t about to take my LD.50 of NyQuil and sleep for twenty hours, I’d dig up the Civil Code and find it for you. Maybe later.
You’re right, however, about child-naming, as I mentioned to Cecil at one point - you’re not allowed to give your child a name which in the judgement of the registrar could discredit the child (examples include Goldorak, Boum-Boum, and Spatule).
You know why they’re doing it, don’t you? They don’t want the post office to think that you’re living in sin!
A friend of mine (Let’s call her Friend O’Podkayne) kept her own name when she married a very nice fellow (Call him Joe Niceguy). Her elderly grandmother addresses mail to them
“Joe Niceguy & Friend O’Podkayne (married)”
I find this hilarious.
Your inlaws are being rude and manipulative, but maybe this is just something you should let go. They have persisted despite being corrected, so correcting them one more time, or a hundred more times, probably won’t make any difference. To them, you will always be Mrs. Husband’s last name. Courtesy dictates only two choices: politely remind them, over and over, for the rest of your natural life, or simply ignore it. Never give in to them, though; always sign yourself Ms. Your real name. If you don’t let it bother you, and don’t let it affect what you choose to call yourself, then you do not concede defeat.
I also kept my maiden name. My mother in law has no problems with it.
However, my parents used to routinely address everything to Dangerosa Husbandslastname.
Apparently, they have forgotten how to spell their own last name.
I don’t think its a passive aggressive thing on their part. I think it just took a long time for it to stick.
I took the tack DanielWithrow suggested “Mom, I love you, but you’d think my last name would be easy to remember - it is the same as yours.”
Eventually they got the hang of it.
I also don’t mind being Mrs. Husbandslastname. I kind of expect it from the kids teachers (they have his last name), the neighbors, even old friends (I know I can’t keep track of who kept maiden names and who took husbands names - amongst my feminist friends it seems to be about 50-50, and I’d admit to sometimes getting it wrong, it seems especially likely when I knew them for years with their maiden name) etc., so I’m pleasantly surprised when a wedding invitation arrives with my name on it.
Now, your case sounds like plain old cuss on the part of your in laws.
I agree that your in-laws are being manipulative and rude and ought to go take a flying leap. However, I have to agree with Podkayne here. When it gets right down to it, your in-laws will probably never change. There will be no magical moment when they will see the light and use your proper name. So, I think you should try to let it go. YOU know what your correct name is, your husband knows what your correct name is - screw the rest of 'em. It’s not worth the aggravation.
FWIW - I decided that I didn’t want to just take Mr. Cricket’s name, nor did I want to keep mine, or give up my middle name - so I kept 'em all -with no hyphen. Sometimes it’s tiring explaining that yes, it’s Mary Alice Smith Jones, not Mary Jones, not Mary Smith Jones and not Mary Smith-Jones. But I knew from the start that I would have to explain myself a lot, and that I would often get mail addressed to Mrs. Jones, or Mrs. Smith-Jones.
Cricket (who admits to being lucky that her in-laws were never “confused” about her last name)
If it were my relatives giving my wife a hard time, I’d take any mail they sent us with the incorrect name, cross it out, and mark it, “Return to sender – no one here by this name.”
They’re treating you with unforgiveable rudeness. At some point, Miss Manners be damned, you get permission to return the favor.
My ex-wife wouldn’t keep her maiden name when we got married. I suggested that option to her, or perhaps a hyphenated “Hername-myname” option. She actually wanted to have my name…which seemed odd, because she’s not really socially conservative. After we separated and later divorced, she still kept my name…which I thought strange again as our marriage wasn’t so happy.
Recently the penny dropped. She just didn’t like her maiden name–which she was teased about in school–and wanted to change it without offending her family. <shrug> Guess it happens sometimes.
Well, I know that in most of Latin America, they take their Given Name + Father’s Name + Mother’s Name, and then just use the first two names (thus, dictator Anastacio Somoza Debayle was just Anastacio Somoza), but I’m pretty sure that’s what my cousin said.
Romola, it’s pretty clear that they are trying to get under your skin. It is also equally clear that it’s working.
Maybe if you didn’t correct them everytime they’d finally quit. After all, it’s no fun trying to provoke someone who won’t allow herself to be provoked.
I realize that my in-laws enjoy bothering me, therefore I’ve resigned myself to just being called Mrs. Husband’s last name.
I also understand there is nothing I can do to change them, and I really don’t want to expend the energy constantly reminding them or getting back at them.
Again, thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the advice.
