This discussion carried over into chatting with one of the librarians at work (and FTR, he thinks I’d be astonishingly miserable in library school). I kind of inadvertently summed it up as “Damn my parents, with their loving me and caring about me and having put me through school and really wanting what’s best for me…”
I know that they do mean well, which possibly makes it even more frustrating. It’s one thing if someone’s just a jerk, but if they’re being obnoxious in wanting to be helpful then it’s even worse (in large part because I feel somewhat guilty about being frustrated over it to begin with.)
I love my parents. I really do, but lately they’re driving me insane.
5 years ago, I said I wanted my accounting degree to pursue Federal Job. For the past 5 years of studying for accounting degree, I always said, I am getting this to pursue Federal Job. So now that I am months 2 months and 1 day (not counting or anything…) from walking the stage, why do they think I will suddenly morph into a person who wants to be a partner in a big 4 firm? I have given them tons of reasons I’m not interested in that life style. I have explained countless times I am getting this degree to pursue Federal Job, or to have pursue job X, Y, or Z, but NOT partner in big 4 accounting firm. SO STOP PUSHING ME THERE.
And also… I realize younger sibling has a child. I love my nephew, absolutely adore him. But I am not ready for children, at all. I haven’t started working yet, boyfriend and I haven’t been together that long and he’s years from a degree. I’m only 24, children still terrify me. Please harass either of my more prepared brothers and leave me alone!!! Thanks.
Originally Posted by mudkicker
And sorry again - but calling your dad a ‘homeless drug-addicted dropout’ in a VW campervan is just, well, mean. So he bummed around for a bit when he was 20, so what? It was 1969. If I had a 20 year old kid I’d applaud if s/he hoisted a backpack on and left to go drifting about for a while. ‘You wasted your 20s and most of your 30s’? Nice.
Justin_Bailey:
I really hate this attitude. I’ve known a few people who “bummed around for a bit” as burned out hippies in the back of a van and all of them look back at it as a huge mistake.
:rolleyes:
Well, I did it, as did quite a few of my friends, and none of us have ever regretted it. I wasn’t burned out or on drugs, but I did spend most of my 20s travelling and I don’t regret it for a second. I’m going off again next year, at the ripe old age of 34, and will probably go off every year or so for the foreseeable future, because that’s what I like to do, and I’m lucky enough to be in a line of work that allows me to do that. I really hate the attitude that you have to jump onto the corporate ladder straight after graduating, or that you have to ‘decide what you’re going to do with your life’, in other words, what career you’re going to follow for 40+ years. I’m a freelance writer now and work part-time in a bar - I’m sure my parents would like to see me ‘settle down into a proper job’, but they also know that this is the happiest they’ve ever seen me. What’s wrong with drifting if that’s what you want to do, even if it’s for a year or two at 20?
Ninjachick, sounds like you’ve got everything pretty much sorted about what you want to do. Is there anything you could send your parents so they can see for themselves, eg a brochure or info about the charity? When I went back to school to retrain in journalism, my parents were OK about it, but once I showed them the school prospectus and how well the course was thought of, they became really enthusiastic. Parents will always think it’s just their kid getting pie in the sky ideas about something - show them the practical stuff and they might back off. Good luck.
There’s obviously a difference between “backpacking through Europe” and “smoking your morning bowl in your van down by the river”. Now, I couldn’t tell you which one was the OP’s dad, but it’s disingenous to pretend that they’re the same thing.
But I still don’t see what’s wrong with ‘smoking your morning bowl in your van by the river’ for a bit when you’re young. In Justin Bailey’s words: people he knew ‘“bummed around for a bit” as burned out hippies in the back of a van and all of them look back at it as a huge mistake’. Well, not everyone has to. Whether you’re backpacking around the world, or going to music festivals getting stoned, what is the big deal if that’s what you want to do? Live and let live, I say. Or is that too damn hippy an ideal?
(Also, my original point was that I thought Ninjachick’s attitude to her dad was a bit harsh. He bummed around when he was younger, so what?)
As always, NinjaChick, the alumni can be your friends in this challenge. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, those are interesting ideas. I’m talking to some recent and not-so-recent graduates and the Placement Office {assuming it’s not just a drunk guy with a computer program that always says you should be a ‘College Placement Officer’, like it was twenty years ago} to decide how to make the best use of this unique education. They’re helping me with my decision-making, but I’ll be sure to let you know when I’ve made my plans for the future.”
If I can help pair you up with anyone(s) employed in a field or fields that interest you, let me know. Most alumni would be happy to spare half an hour for a phone call plus some follow-up emails. You might even find placement that way, since most of us would rather work with Johnnies than have to train our hires to think like us.
To clarify: Dad’s thing was more “go hitchhike aimlessly around the country for a few months. Call mom and get some money. Buy van. Drive to Woodstock. Call mom and get some money. Live in a tent in a state forest for a while. Call mom and get money. Spend some time in San Francisco. Wander out to Arizona. Call mom and get money. Buy vehicle that actually runs, drive home with some woman who, by the end of the cross-country drive, flees. Be told by parents no more freebies until you stop smoking so much pot and go back to school.”
I’m certainly in no rush to jump on the corporate ladder. In fact, I’ll be extremely unhappy if I do end up in any big corporate office.
Part of why I have a hard time appreciating what my dad did was he took his sweet time getting through school, putzed around a bit more, got a master’s degree, got another master’s degree, was toying with the idea of going for a Ph.D…then his lovely wife was pregnant, and in a matter of months, he’d given up on the doctorate, couldn’t find work in his preferred field, and ended up working for Big Soulless Corporation…which was contracted by the government to make spy satellites. Mr. Free Spirit Counter Culture ended up - because it was a job and he needed a job - writing computer programs to directly assist in the construction of spy satellites.
Most people who have kids in their mid-thirties aren’t quite caught unprepared, because they’ve had time to establish a career and such.
They’re parents. They’re not going to change. You’re just going to have to get used to it. If you want serious advice, I’d recommend relaxation techniques and just learning how to ignore what your parents are saying.
I finished college with no idea what to do with my life and nary a thought to lining up a job, so I spent a year working for the library that had employed me as a work-study student, going out drinking every night with my friends because I worked the 12-9 shift, spending all my money on stupid stuff. Then I decided to go to library school (which was lame), got an MLS and went to work for a big corporate library systems vendor. Spent the next 13 years there and at a couple of systems librarian jobs. Now I’m fairly dissatisfied with my career and not sure what I want to do next. I’ve lost interest in librarians and their needs.
BUT - I had a lot of fun between 22 and 25, possibly because I didn’t obsess too much over figuring out what I wanted to do. I sort of knew what I wanted to do , but not really. Don’t sweat it. Get a job that you can be OK with for the next year, and figure the rest out as you go along.
That probably doesn’t help anymore than your parents’ advice but I had fun playing old fogey!
Along with the other comments about your parents’ perspective, is it possible that some of your mom’s nagging is because of memory loss and inability to pay attention due to menopause and estrogen depletion?
However (bolding mine),
isn’t saying YES! I HAVE MADE A DECISION.
If you eliminate “haven’t decided” from your response and restrict it to 'Yes, mom and dad, I’ve decided to get an internship after graduation and then go to grad school so I can do This (no matter that grad school lets you do This, That or The Other and you haven’t picked which yet), then you can start interrupting them with ‘Don’t you remember that I said I’m …?’ And in the same breath you change the subject to them, like how are the neighbors, or how’s the garden coming along?
Eventually, they’ll move on to your love life, and then possible grandkids, and then…
Yep. I was the same at 22, worried about what I would be doing with my life, but I’ve been much much happier since relaxing about it. To play the old fogey for a bit as well, I think the most helpful advice I could have been given on graduation is that you don’t have to decide the rest of your life right now. Maybe that’s why your mum keeps going on about the Peace Corps (sorry!) - she probably thinks it seems like a great, temporary, well-respected thing to do for a few years while you make up your mind about the future. Just don’t think that what you decide now - grad school or whatever - is what you have to do for the rest of your life. If you find your path now, you’re lucky; but don’t worry if you don’t. And hey, don’t knock travelling for a year - you can get a year long working holiday visa for Australia until you’re 30. I did that at 23 and it was the best year of my life.
Try not to get too stressed, and, as another poster said, try relaxation techniques, long baths or whatever else destresses you. Also look up ‘quarter-life crisis’ - a lot of people go through the same thing in their early 20s.
This. My mom did the same kinda crap to me as NinjaChick’s mom is now, only with the added bonus of “why did you stop going to church? What do you mean, Buddhist–you’re baptized Catholic, you know it’s the right faith.”
Her mother died after a four-year battle with Alzheimer’s Disease, and her menopause started a month or two before the funeral and lasted for years.
She was also the same age as NinjaChick’s mom, and dad and I endured that half-decade with a significant amount of tiptoeing and lots of “whatever you say, dear” on his part and screaming on mine.
- you can get a year long working holiday visa for Australia until you’re 30. I did that at 23 and it was the best year of my life.