Both parents: For fucks sake, I have enough to deal with right now in actually trying to figure out my future. I do not need you guys constantly nagging me about what you think I should do, because they’re dumbass ideas that I don’t want to do and you’re both trying desperately to vicariously relive your wasted, pointless youth through me!
Oh, dearest, most wonderful mother: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PEACE CORPS!!! Yes, I know you had a wonderful, life-changing experience. I understand that you were a young idealistic hippie and felt that you were part of something great, and you helped bring relative democracy to Honduras (other than the part where really you didn’t, and they didn’t have anything resembling a democracy until ten years after you helped train teachers there). I get that it was great training for your future career (which you didn’t have, because you quit teaching after a few years and were effectively unemployed for twenty some years). And yes, I am considering the Peace Corps as a post-graduation option.
But I don’t want to be a teacher or a farmer, and I sure as hell don’t want to be a mouthpiece for American foreign policy which I don’t believe in, and I’m quite certain that your experience in the Peace Corps in 1969 was a wholly different experience than Peace Corps today. If I want information, I’ll talk to people who have recently been volunteers, and I’m not going to join just because you think it’s a good idea.
Dearest, darlingest Pops: I swear to god, if you start one more meandering, pointless story with “when I was your age,” I’m going to stop answering my phone when you call and deleting every damn email from you, unread. You know why? One: You talk forever and it takes you twenty minutes to get to the damn point. Two: You want me to go to library school. I do not want to go to library school. There’s really nothing more to discuss here, so stop bringing it up! Three: When you were my age you were a homeless, drug-addicted college drop-out living in a fucking VW van. Yes, if you want you can try to dress that up saying you were just living in the spirit of the times, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were a homeless, drug-addicted dropout. You were at Woodstock? You were into music and art? You enjoyed it? What, you say you were politically active? You were part of some fake party of social rejects who tried to run a pig for public office in some asshatted stunt that had no purpose whatsoever, you mooched off society, and your “youthful indiscretions” accomplished absolutely nothing.
I know you’re afraid I might repeat your mistakes, but that’s a wholly baseless worry. Yes, I took a year away from school. Then I did what you failed to do, and went back in a timely manner and will be graduating in a timely manner. Yes, getting a MLS would lead much more certainly to a career than the options I’m considering. I don’t care, because that’s not what I want to do with my life. I work part-time as an assistant in a library. I also worked part-time at a movie theater, but you didn’t assume I wanted to do that for the rest of my life, did you? No, so stop fucking telling me to “think about it!” Just because you wasted your 20’s and most of your 30’s does not mean I’m going to do so. In fact, it probably reduces the chances that I will do so.
So both of you: Leave me the fuck alone. I know you have the best of intentions. I’m thankful for that. I have told you that. I have also, quite politely and reasonably, said I’m very stressed out over all this, and I obviously can’t make any decisions until I’ve taken the GRE. And even then, I’m already aware of what my options are, and when you both are constantly harping on “have you thought any more about grad school? About internships? About jobs?” I’m just getting more and more stressed out, and you’re not helping!!
Sincerely, your loving and appreciative daughter.