Dear Tim up in Heaven

The BBQ Pit
1

You fucked up.

You killed yourself. Rumors are that you had health problems (of which you had told no one) or that you had money problems (big fucking whoop. One word - bankruptcy.) It’s not like you owed the mob, if you did have money problems.

Do you realize how many people you’ve fucked up by your death? Your family, for sure. But the night you killed yourself you went out to B and J’s. They were off playing darts and their 10 year old son let you in the house because he knew you. You were drunk and went to pass out on the couch. When he offered you a blanket, you told him to leave you fucking alone, twice. You were a better man than to curse at a 10 year old.

And before B and J got home, you left. You drove down the road, parked your vehicle, walked out in the pasture and put a gun to your chest and pulled the trigger.

The next morning B got up and saw your car out the window. He figured you stopped before you hit a main road and parked to sleep it off. When he noticed that the car wasn’t running he went down to help. But you weren’t there. He called the sheriff to see if you had been picked up for DUI and the sheriff said, “I need to come out and talk to you.”

Fuck you for putting that on B and J.

You didn’t have any ID so B had to identify your body. His 10 year old son keeps saying, “Dad, what if I had . . .” B and J were in the pub this afternoon, and B was drunk in his sorrow. J was as quieter than I have ever seen her. They are good people, Tim, and you have caused them a pain that will last forever. They were your friends and a some of the finest people on this earth, and now every time they drive down that road they have to think, “What if . . .”

And the day before you killed yourself you gave your wallet and cellphone to MD. Now everyone wants to know why MD didn’t do something (and who knows what the fuck he would have done?). When I left the pub today, B and J were talking to MD, and if B beats the shit out of MD, no one will step in. No matter what MD’s story, you’ve left MD with the stain of the guy that didn’t try to prevent your suicide. He doesn’t need that shit.

Buddy, if you’d reached a hand out to anyone at the pub, we would have helped. We take pride in the fact that we are there for each other. ALL of us have had our moments of doubt and sorrow and sat down over beers and shots and glasses of ice water and poured our heart out. If you had asked, the help was there.

So I sincerely hope that somewhere, you are sitting around with Jeff and Wes and Gary and my old dog Bob, drinking beer and telling stories. I really do. Because I miss you and I wish you well.

But you fucked up and were stupid. And know this - you set a first for the pub. Because NO ONE has bought a drink in your memory and no one has ordered a round of shots and no one is planning to go to the memorial service at the VFW for you.

We miss you, but the words to describe you now are “chickenshit” for killing yourself and “asshole” for hurting B and J forever.

Sorry bud, I will miss forever coming into the pub with my dog and you buying him/her jerky, but you chose the wrong ending to your movie.

Whistlepig

2

Wow.

Someone is massively depressed, gets loaded, kills themselves in the depths of despair, and what you do is spit on them after the fact.

You say you had no idea that he was depressed. Obviously you did not know him well, otherwise you would have gotten the clue that something was up.

Obviously you do not understand depression. Your grief and loss aside, you are being a total schmuck and judging this man without all the data and without compassion.

3

Mockingbird,

I never said he was massively depressed. I never said I had no idea he was depressed. Read my fucking post and show me where I said those words.

I knew him better than you did, because YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK HE IS! Do you? What data do you have on Tim’s suicide?

Yeah, he left clues. But I didn’t hear about them until after the fact because I was out of town. And no one who knew him and had clues acted on it. BUT I DIDN’T GET ANY CLUES MYSELF! OK! If I had, I would have acted on them.

Tim was someone I knew from the pub, not a close friend. Just someone I knew from the pub and considered a buddy. We drank together and golfed together and told stories.

And how dare you say that I “don’t understand depression.” Do you know me?

Do you know that I have twice had a gun in my mouth and chosen not to pull the trigger?

What you don’t know about Tim’s life and death would just about fill the fucking Grand Canyon.

Fuck you Mockingbird. Thanks for making a bad situation worse.

4

Mockingbird, why don’t you just shut the fuck up and leave whistlepig alone? You obviously have some issues. . . . :rolleyes:

{{{{{whistlepig}}}}} - I’ve been there. I’m so sorry. Let me know if you need to talk. :frowning:

5

Yeah, I don’t see this as whistlepig pissing on Tim. I see this more as him/her pissing on Tim’s actions before his suicide. Fuck, he/she is doing a little venting. Everyone deals with grief in a different way.

6

I’m sorry about your friend. I hope the 10 year old is okay.

7

Well, and everyone else too, but that’s a huge burden for a little kid.

8

Shut the fuck up, Mockingbird. Suicide is the most cowardly and selfish act a person can commit. Do you really blame whistlepig for being pissed off because this guy didn’t have the balls to ask for help or deal with his problems? Because his friends weren’t able to see into the future and do something to preempt it? Man you’re a sanctimonious twit.

9

So sorry to hear about your buddy, whistlepig.

It really is fucking horrible for everyone left behind. A childhood friend’s father killed himself, almost thirty years ago. She’s still pissed at him. Last time we talked about it, she said it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I was there and I remember it like it was yesterday too. She still beats herself up over it and she was just a kid, nothing she could have done to stop it.

It’s just a fucked-up, shitty deal all around. Again, so sorry. :frowning:

10

I don’t know. I’d have no qualms about killing myself if I knew nobody would go to my memorial service.

11

Mockingbird, you obviously don’t understand the grief process, which includes anger. The circumstances around Tim’s death are very sad, and he left a lot of wreckage behind that night. It’s natural for whistlepig and the others left to pick up the pieces to feel lots of emotions, including anger towards Tim for his decision to take himself out when there were people there who could have helped him if only he’d found the strength to reach out.

Whistlepig I’m very sorry to hear of what you’re going through.

12

To the lot of you that are doing a pile on: go fuck yourselves.

You want to call this man a coward, denying anything else. Morons and fools, the lot of you.

whistlepig:

How good of a friend were you if you had NO insight into this man’s life? What kind of friend are you being to him in his passing.

It sure is easy to blame a dead man and cast aspersions.

To all but the OP: You sicken me with your pathetic pile-on behaviour, and your seeming braindead lack of insight into depression and being suicidal.

What ever to the lot of you. Off to other threads that don’t slam the dead and sit in judgement of things they don’t understand and have never experienced.

13

It’s just as easy to defend a dead man when you have no idea about the situation. I would suggest you bow out of this one, Mockingbird.

14

whistlepig, I am so sorry. What a horrible loss.

If you just need to vent to someone who won’t give you grief about it, feel free to email me.

15

I agree.

Sorry about your misfortune, whistlepig. (God, that sounds lousy.)

16

Whistlepig, if it’s any consolation, sometimes when people are suicidal, they’ll take steps to keep people from knowing that. I wish he’d had the courtesy to leave some ID and spare his friends that little at least.

I am sorry for you, B, J, Tim’s son, the rest of Tim’s family and all the rest of the gang at the pub.

Take care of yourselves,
CJ

17

Mockingbird–we joined the SDMB the same year, & have more or less the same # of posts. But we’ve never interacted.

So, it is with deep regret that I must point out to you that you are acting like a turd.

Please take steps to correct this immediately.

We cannot help Tim now. We can give our support to the people he has left behind, whose lives have been shattered.

whistlepig–you got friends. Talk. We’ll listen.

18

I have no problems with someone being angry at friend’s passing. I can understand that. But I do not believe this malarcky about suicide being such a cowardly and selfish act.

Maybe Tim didn’t really like the whole life experience. Perhaps even hated it. What were his friends to do? Could they have changed Tim’s perceptions, or changed his reality? Could they have made Tim’s life worth living to Tim? If so, those are some pretty powerful friends.

Every time I hear this line, I think the person who utters it would be much more OK with someone existing in torment for years rather than checking out. I have to assume that person considered the ramifications for some time before checking out.

The way someone lives is their own business. If they don’t want to to, that’s their business too. We can try to talk them out of it, make things better for them if we can, but in the end it’s their call.

That being said, who shoots himself in the chest???

19

Whistlepig, I am sorry for the loss of your friend, especially under the circumstances and so suddenly.

Though Mockingbird came across a bit stong (to me anyway), don’t take it out on him too much.

Emotions are explored and shared differently by all of us. Some are quite open and let everyone know what is happening in their lives and how they are feeling. Others keep everything to themselves and carry on as though there is nothing wrong, until it builds up to the point they feel extremely useless and become self-destructive, or blow up.

Suicide is nasty. It is the ultimate answer to problems. It is selfish. It hurts friends and family. It is seen by many as cowardly.

But no matter how you look at it, you lose someone you care about and it makes you feel vulnerable and useless in that you may not have been aware of the friend’s feelings enough to see the signs.

Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to take away your pain. Just know that as whistlepigs are communal animals, we are your community. We are here to listen and help where we can.

20

Thanks to all except Mockingbird, who made me feel like shit for caring.

If Tim had talked to us, it wouldn’t guarenteed anything. As the ones left behind, we wish could have done something to get him to question his decision.

He’s called a “chickenshit” because there is no evidence that he tried to NOT kill himself. No quitting drinking, no counseling, no reaching out to friends, nothing. It’s hard to explain, but if he had made an honest effort to make his life better and failed and then killed himself, we’d understand.

And most of the anger is over what he’s done to B and J.
There were some signs of depression, but mostly not. And few signs of suicide until the last. He wasn’t a close friend of mine and I hadn’t seen him in a couple of weeks.

So thank you for your offers of support and your kind thoughts. I was just walking around last night with the sorrow and the anger running through my head and thought I’d do a rant to let some of it out. For the most part, it helped.

And I’ll miss him.

Thanks again, and I won’t be coming back to this thread, only because I need to let it go now.

Whistlepig