Deck the Halls: A *very* long reflection

The Holiday Season, it seems, has been thrust upon us even earlier this year than in past years. The day after Halloween, the very first day of November, radio stations started playing Christmas tunes here in Philadelphia. Ads suddenly took on glittery red-and-green motifs, fir trees were everywhere. Good-will and high spirits fill the air.

For my family, it has always been a triple-dose of the holiday spirit. Thanksgiving, followed by our own faith’s Hanukah, followed by Christmas with my mother’s Catholic family. We pinball from home in New Jersey to my father’s family in Maryland to my mother’s in Ohio.

When I was little, I could easily get myself in the spirit of the season. I was going to get lots of presents, right? That was good. I never believed in Santa and despite being Jewish, we went to midnight mass more often than we went to synagogue. That always bothered me: it was boring and I felt like I stood out, so why should I go? We didn’t go to synagogue at home, why go to a service for a different religion, away from home? I was always told to stop being selfish, my grandmother wanted me to go with her.

As I grew older, things began to change, as they do for everyone. Sometime towards the beginning of middle school, though, I began to think that puberty was treating me differently than everyone around me. They seemed happier, less caring, better adjusted to middle school. I alternately condemned them as stupid or wrote myself off as a social reject, or perhaps both.

I’d become a bat mitzvah in September of 1999, but had been distressed by the entire day. The service felt empty and meaningless to me: the only thing I truly remember of the ceremony was embarrassing myself by panicking when my rabbi put his arm around my shoulder. I had never liked to be touched, something assumed to be simply part of my personality. But that action combined two of my greatest stresses: being touched and being in front of a large group of people. I started to cry then, and had to take a moment before I could lead whatever prayer I was saying. The party afterwards felt equally hollow. These people weren’t my friends, and my family didn’t know what I was going through inside. I distinctly remember looking around, at the balloons and the catered food and the DJ, and my eyes settled on the mostly-untouched stack of envelopes. My synagogue dictates that all bar/bat mitzvahs must complete a community service project. Originally, I had organized a clothing, toiletries, and canned goods drive for the people of Honduras, which had been wrecked by hurricane Mitch. But that had not satisfied me, so I solicited signatures for Amnesty International letters at the party. They were pleas to the Egyptian government to release political prisoners, and I know that not everyone signed a letter. I looked at that stack of envelopes, and realized that I was so lucky, yes, but horribly spoilt. We all were. We were sheltered and spoilt, and I seemed to be the only one to see that.

I held on to all the money I was given from my bat mitzvah; gifts from friends and family. That Christmas eve, as she always did, my grandmother gave me a gift of fifty dollars in addition to other gifts. I took all that money, nearly all the money I had, and made my first donation to a charity that winter. When we got home, I convinced my parents to let me donate my money, all of it – more than two hundred dollars – to Philabundance, a Philadelphia-based anti-hunger charity. It was, I figured, the least I could do.

When my extended family found out about it, they were stunned that my parents allowed me to do that. They said it was irresponsible, and that was my first experience feeling rejected by my family. Mocked. I’d thought I had done something good: I didn’t need that money. My parents mostly ended up agreeing, that they should not have allowed me to do that.

Since seventh grade, I’ve spent well near a thousand hours doing community service. This summer, I ignored my parents urgings to find a ‘real’ job, as I had already arranged to volunteer with the American Friends Service Committee. I have had a hand in starting my school’s Gay-Straight Alliance, volunteered for Philabundance, six local food charities, my school’s turkey drive, a pet shelter, the AFSC, the local Amnesty International chapter, the Multiple Sclerosis foundation, the Relay for Life, the Million Mom March, various other marches on Washington and local protests, and most recently, volunteered for the American Red Cross.

It always hurts me the most around the holidays. There are so many people out there, among us, who need help. We talk about tax cuts and school vouchers here: how do people not see that those are nothing more than band-aids? School vouches and affirmative action are not the solutions to the problem, the are solutions to the symptoms. Fix the public schools. Give them money instead of giving people money to leave them. Don’t cut taxes for anyone, but make better use of that money. Spend less money on pointless bureaucracy and more on helping people.

I live in a mostly middle-to-upper-class suburb. People here are so often blind to poverty, blind to hunger, blind to violence, blind to problems that “aren’t found here.” My relatives live in similar suburbs, in Maryland and Ohio. They, too, don’t see this.

Every year, despite not having the budget approved, my school district allocates a fund, for the families within our schools who have no money for the holidays. Families on welfare. Families who can barely afford to put food on the table, to say nothing of nice clothes and a turkey or ham dinner and maybe even a couple gifts.

My ex-boyfriend’s family was, until a year or so ago, when his mother got a new job, one of those families. I’ve heard his stories and seen his pictures. In an apartment – a ‘controversial’ low-cost housing area – just down the street from one of the most expensive developments in town, they hardly had a Christmas. They could pay the rent and the electricity and the other bills. But they got a welfare check every month and they all got maybe two or three gifts under the tree.

Poverty around the holidays isn’t what most people think it is, though. They weren’t wretched and miserable, huddled in a freezing corner. His older sister is one of the best cooks I could even imagine. She can turn a batch of home-made cookie dough, skimpy on chocolate chips, into the most delectable, savory creations ever tasted by man. Give her some rice, some vegetables, a little bit of meat, and some seasonings, and you have a five-star meal. Created in a kitchen with a second-hand fridge and no brand names to be seen.

A lot of their gifts were homemade. Two parents, who both worked full-time jobs, and they both managed to give all three of their kids things that were clever, practical, and clearly thought-out gifts.

I get gifts from my parents, one a night for hanukah. Then, I may get something small with our extended family for hanukah. Then, I get more, and from other relatives, on Christmas. So often, it’s nice clothes I never wear. I’ve told my parents, and my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles, in all seriousness, “Don’t buy me anything. I’d rather you donate that money to a charity or something of the like. Take the time you’d spend shopping for me volunteering someplace. Please.” I’ve been saying that since seventh grade, and once has a relative – my cousin – given me what I asked. He made a donation to Amnesty International in my name; it was the best gift I have ever received.

My impression of the holidays seems to change the more I learn. When, in ninth grade, I had my first real history class, Thanksgiving was suddenly meaningless as well. Because what, exactly, are we celebrating? Why on this day? Last year, when I was a junior, we read two books by Louise Erdrich, a Ojibwe writer. I did research, on my own. America, up until the 1970’s, forcibly took native children from their homes, sending them to boarding school, ripping their culture from them, telling them that they were worthless as they were. But, of course, Thanksgiving is simply a holiday to enjoy your family and gorge on turkey and cranberry sauce. Interestingly, many Indian reservations today have some of the highest poverty rates in the nation. I wonder how many of them would sit down to a turkey dinner if they could afford it?

Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus. A man who, according to the Christian belief, dedicated his life to others. Who died for our sins. Is one of those sins not gluttony? Is another one not greed? Are we not supposed to, according to the bible, help those who need it? Love thy neighbor as thyself? Or is that only if the neighbor can afford his own gifts?

Hanukah has been corrupted. It is a minor holiday, but has been turned into a “Jewish Christmas”. The oil, in the story, the miraculous oil that burned for eight times its expected life, is a minor detail. It’s not mentioned in any of the scriptures. The original celebration was that oppression, under the Greeks, had finally been lifted from the Jewish people. No one really cared about the oil that much, since it paled in comparison to an end to the raping and pillaging and whatnot. But hey, religion’s about faith, not truth, right? You learned it in Hebrew school so we shouldn’t question what our rabbi tells us.

I don’t know entirely where this bitterness comes from this time of year. As everyone else starts to get excited over the holidays, I head in the opposite direction. It’s not S.A.D, as my mood generally lifts right after New Year’s (which I think is just stupid). But there’s so much pain out there. So much suffering, and no one sees it. If they see it, most people are content to toss a coin at it, then turn their back.

Problems don’t fix themselves. When you buy a brand-new pair of Nikes for your cousin Joe, that goodwill is canceled out by Nikes’ slave labor practices. Big festive dinners don’t taste as good when you know that three years ago, your boyfriend’s family – all wonderful, kind, deserving people – had no big dinners. Not on regular days, not during the holidays. They weren’t starving, but they didn’t get a huge 30-pound turkey and twelve cans of cranberry sauce and two pots of apple sauce with extra cinnamon. A small turkey, maybe. The injustice of that is enough to take away the strongest of appetites for me.

Kudos, and apologies, to anyone who has actually read this long. I’ve already begun my yearly crusade, telling my parents, my grandparents, not to get me anything. My maternal grandmother is a cancer survivor. Thus far, she has been deaf to my pleas to not buy me a gift, but make a donation to the American Cancer Society instead. My need for a new sweater or nice skirt or another computer game is far less than society’s need for a cure for cancer. It takes less time than shopping, would mean far more to me, and would also benefit people other than me.

I’m boycotting the family thanksgiving in Maryland this year. I’m refusing to go, and instead, I’m going to spend the day working in a soup kitchen. I don’t want to be with my family, true. They don’t accept who I am: they deny my past, try to convince me out of my sexual orientation, tell me over and over that I’m living my life wrong. But that’s not why I’m doing it. I’m doing it because it may be someone’s one warm meal that day. They could use it more than I could. That’s what’s important, not my discomfort with my family.

And, if you look at things technically, isn’t that what the holiday season is about? Perhaps I’m not a grinch, perhaps I’m what Santa is supposed to be. It’s not about piped-in Muzak in crowded department stores. It’s about giving. And if you can give to hundreds, thousands of people in one swoop, isn’t that what the holidays are about?

Beautiful. May I use this in Teemings Extras?

You’re right about a lot of what you say. And the points you make are ones that most of us ought to hear and listen to more. But you’re making it hard to hear what you’re saying when you use that tone. Most of your post sounds judgmental and superior. Not to mention angry. It’s really hard for people to come around to your way of thinking when they get the impression that you think they’re just wrong and stupid.

And you are young. Which makes it even more likely that people will think you’re being overly idealistic. Unbelievable as it might seem now, it’s very possible that some of the adults in your family were just as concerned with the poor and vulnerable, and wanted just as much as you do to set the world right. They may well see your zeal as the impracticality of youth.

I know I don’t know all your circumstances, but as a mother of teenagers, I’m suggesting that you might want to start your charitable endeavors at home, by at least trying to see what they see. You want to work in a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving. That’s an admirable plan. It’s unfortunate that you’re also using it as a slap in the face to your family. Maybe they see some of that. You say they wanted you to get a “real” job this past summer, instead of the volunteer work you were doing. Maybe they want you to see the practical side of life somewhat, too. You were seeing the good you wanted to do, maybe they were seeing the fact that they have to provide for all the things you want and need while you get the warm fuzzies of doing good for others. Volunteer work is a wonderful thing, and necessary, and I wish other kids were as willing to do it as you seem to be. But maybe your parents were looking for you to learn a little balance, at least as they see it.

I’m really not trying to be critical here. What I see in your posts is someone who really does care about injustice and would right it all if she could. AND who isn’t just sitting around being “concerned” about it, but is willing to put her efforts where her mouth is, so to speak. But what also comes across is someone who isn’t really willing to cut anyone else much slack about what she thinks is the way things ought to be. Can you maybe try to put their shoes on for just a little bit? Or at least not expect them to wear yours quite so much?

And on a strictly practical note, is it possible that when you tell your family members you’d rather have them donate to charity than give you gifts, it’s an unfamiliar concept to them? Maybe they need to be shown something specific to do about it. Or maybe they really do like the idea of picking out and giving “something”, rather than writing a check to strangers. One Christmas recently, my niece got letters to Santa and asked those of us who would be giving her gifts to fulfill those instead. I liked that idea. It gave me a specific person to choose gifts for, and the opportunity to give that child a better holiday, and make my niece happy at the same time. And it was a lot more fun picking out toys for that child, than it would have been sending a check to the Cancer Society, or even the Heifer Project.

Maybe some of the bitterness would be alleviated if you could focus on a smaller picture. You’ll never fix all of it, and neither will anybody else. But maybe it would help to do something on a more personal basis. So that you can actually see the results, or at least know about them. Take dinner to a couple of families, or provide gifts for some needy children, whose names you can actually know. Maybe you’ll get more back out of it than you have been. I know getting something out of it isn’t your purpose, but it might help you feel better. I think the soup kitchen will help that way, too, if you can see the people you help, rather than the others still in need.

I hope this didn’t sound too preachy, or too parental. I did try to get the tone as gentle as I could.

Certainly.

Thank you, NinjaChick.

You’re not the only one that feels that way. And I’m not going to call it starry-eyed youthful naivete, because I’m only 24 and I’d hate for someone to tell me that I only want to help people less fortunate then myself because I’m young.

Would that more people didn’t grow up, then, and lose their basic human compassion.

Ninjachick,

I think that what you’ve written is really eloquent, and has a lot of meaning for you. It’s refreshing to see people taking stock of what’s going on in their own backyards and trying to do something about it. Helping others is always a kindness.

I also think that there is much value in what thirdwarning has said.

I’d like to share my version of the holidays with you, to provide an alternative viewpoint, because I disagree with you regarding this statement:

Although I was raised a Christian, I came to a point where I could not accept the tenets of Christianity, nor the hypocrisy of those people I knew who claimed to be Christians, yet did not act accordingly. So Christmas to me, is not about Jesus. I look to the roots of the holiday that Christmas was intended to supplant, and I celebrate the winter solstice. It’s the happiest day of the year for me, and I celebrate it with everything I’ve got. For me, Christmas is a time that I use to take stock of the year that has passed, to reaffirm and strengthen my relationships with family and friends. I give them presents that I have carefully chosen, as a mark of esteem and to provide them with something they would like, yet are not likely to obtain for themselves. I do this because these people are special to me. I do not love mankind less, but I do love these people more.

And yes, I eat and drink well indulging in food and drink that I wouldn’t do at any other time of the year, because for me, it’s the only bright light in a season of darkness, cold, depression and all the other nasties of life. I celebrate to feel alive.
I hope that my perspective provides a viewpoint you hadn’t previously considered.

Becky,
Hate to disappoint you, but nowhere in that post did I say that the only reason NinjaChick wants to help anybody was that she is young. Nor did I suggest that there was anything wrong with wanting to help. What I did, was suggest a little balance, and an effort to see things from another’s perspective. Along with a practical suggestion for helping them to see things from her point of view. I sincerely hope she doesn’t lose her sense of compassion as she grows up. But I do think maybe she isn’t giving a fair chance to those who don’t see or do things exactly as she does. I know things have been difficult for her recently, and I think her parents haven’t been as willing as they should be to hear things from her angle, but I hope she can extend them a little bit of the benefit of the doubt, and maybe meet them partway, at least on this. If it doesn’t work, then at least she tried. I just think she might be letting her anger get in the way of her understanding.

It’s good to see that you know where your priorities are, NinjaChick. So many people seem to just drift along and say “My, it’s awful to see so many people destitute/down-on-their-luck/unable to care for themselves or family. Sure wish somebody would do something.”

But taking thirdwarning’s words to mind, have you tried to look at this from your parents’ point of view? It can be disheartening to see your child do a complete 180 on what you expected them to do with their life. Your child (should you have one) may become a greedy corporate snob despite your best efforts to guide them. What would you do then? Disown them?

Your OP seems to make you out as someone with the best intentions in helping the world’s hurts, but it also seems to lack long term goals. Where do you see yourself in 20 years? Ladling out soup at a kitchen? Or lobbying before Congress to take a bite out of the defense fund and put it towards your cause(s)? There are steps you can take to cure the symptoms rather than put a bandaid on them. You sound like a smart, energetic person that can put yourself in a position to help a lot more people by making yourself the kind of person that people can’t help but listen to and follow your suggestions. That might entail college or working your way up the workforce ladder until you gain the influence that you need.

Actually, holidays are meant to commemorate or celibrate a particular event. The people you help need help year round. Hunger and desperation know no season nor adhere to any calendar. In fact, one of the best times to hit people up for donations is during tax refund season, not Christmas.

thirdwarning, I did not mean to sound as if I were saying that you were attributing her good will to to her age. I was saying that I will not attribute it to her age, unlike many people (as you suggested above).

NinjaChick: I must agree, however, that it is possible (and might be worth considering) to trade off some time now that you would normally spend volunteering in order to build a more solid future for yourself so that you can continue to donate time and money (possibly in greater amounts) down the road. I love volunteering and donating money to good local organizations when I have the resources. Sometimes I do it a little too much and have to cut back on other things. It doesn’t please me that, because I’m a full time grad student and will be for the next 3+ years, that I will continue to have limited time and resources to give. However, I know that when I graduate, it will be into a position that will enable me to support those less fortunate to a much greater extent than was ever possible, or would have ever been possible had I not put that time and effort into my education. It’s an occasionally distasteful trade off. YMMV. I wish you the best of luck no matter what path you take.

Becky, all okay now? I didn’t mean to sound cranky, so I hope I didn’t.

Reading what you posted reminded me of the Biblical story of the widow and her mite. Giving what you have to give, even if it seems small, is still a very valuable thing, and I don’t know your beliefs, but I think God honors those gifts. I love that compassion and empathy that makes you want to do more. That’s a great spirit.

I admire your dedication to help others, but in all honesty you do sound like you could single handedly drain the joy and zest out practically any situation that doesn’t meet your social justice criteria with sufficient rigor. You need to realize that the extraordinarily judgmental context in which you view life in this world is a callow and narrowly proscribed lens. Suffering exists and will continue to exist in this world regardless of your best efforts, even if you hammered at it without respite. Modern society offers the poor and disadvantaged more assistance than at any other time in the history of mankind, but instead of viewing this in a positive and progressive context, the social justice glass for you is perpetually half empty.

One day you might have children. Will you sneer at and judge their desire for nice material things, because others are less fortunate than them? Give as much of your time and soul to the causes you believe in as you desire, but stop this immature, judgmental attitude toward the joy and fulfillment others find in giving and providing materially for their loved ones, including you. Accept gifts from the heart with grace.

All ok, thirdwarning. Thank you … what you wrote was very kind.

It seems to me that at some point in life, everyone will have to fight to find a personally acceptable balance between their own beliefs about how the world should be, or what they would do to help make it that way, their own needs (realized or not), and the needs and beliefs of their families and friends. It often takes a good bit of time and contemplation, and probably requires the ability to view a situation from multiple (arguably) valid perspectives simultaneously. Not an easy place to find … it sounds to me like NinjaChick is smack in the middle of realizing this difficulty. And given that she’s tired of being told that she’s completely wrong about all of her so-called “choices” in life … maybe some support and gently guiding suggestions (a la thirdwarning’s carefully considered wordings) about different ways to view her situation would be in order, rather than additional harsh criticism.
NinjaChick, are you coming back, or have you abandoned this one? What you wrote really was lovely.

Sorry, didn’t mean to seem like I’d abandoned this. Don’t have much time, so this is going to have to be brief.

  1. I sound angry and bitter because…I am. I’m currently in therapy to (basically) deal with some stuff that happened to me when I was younger. Right now, I’m stuck between feeling justified in my emotional angst because of this stuff and feeling guilty for it, because so many people are so worse off than I am.

  2. I do try to balance ‘reality’ and ‘saving the world’. Part of the problem is I want to go into journalism or politics basically so that I can help on a larger scale (delusions of granduer that shall never be realized, I know). But I can’t help (see above) feel guilty for having such a good school, scholarship money for college, etc.

  3. astro - I’m sorry if I offended you. I don’t mean to sound as judgemental as I did. Should have put a disclaimer that the above was written in the throes of a fit of angst brought on by something different. I don’t plan on having kids but if I do they most certainly will not be condemned for wanting material goods. They will, however, be raised to realize that they are ery lucky to have what they do. My problem is when people do not realize this: I live in a town where most people say they realize it but I cannot help but to feel that they don’t actually ‘get it’. In my opinion, if they did understand, they would do something about it.

  4. Gifts. I have suggested things like buying toys for local families in need, etc, or actually doing something, not just donating. I don’t know why my family is so unreceptive to this.

NinjaChick, let me start off by saying I do understand where you’re coming from. BUT.

If you want to help, good for you. That’s great, and I highly encourage it. But unfortunately, not everyone can help as much as they want to. Your posts read rather like “I feel guilty about this and therefore EVERYONE I KNOW must do what I want them to in order to assuage MY guilt.” I can definitely understand why the people around you wouldn’t react well to it.
As for these:

Maybe they do get it, and they’re doing things you’re totally unaware of. Not everyone goes around trumpeting that they volunteer at a soup kitchen, or donate half their paycheck to the Salvation Army or whatever. And it’s not like you’re following them around or interrogating them about their spending habits and free-time habits, right? And honestly, I can see why #4 isn’t getting a good response - whether you intend it or not, this most likely will come across as “that’s just ONE MORE damn thing we have to do this year.” And, let’s face it, many people are feeling overwhelmed with just trying to get through their own lives without worrying about myriads of faceless, nameless others.
Buying toys for local families in need sounds great, (and I’m assuming here that most of the research work has been done for you and it’s a case of checking with the local Christmas Bureau or whatever and “sponsoring” a family), but again, to the adults in your family that’s going to sound like “oh, great, that’s MORE people we have to buy gifts for.” And right now, when many families are scaling down their giving to EACH OTHER because of time & monetary limitations, it sounds especially demanding.
“Doing something” is a nice-sounding term, but do WHAT? Deliver turkeys? Work at a soup kitchen? Volunteer at Meals-on-Wheels? Again, you’re asking them to sacrifice time they might not have (or might not THINK they have - not even free time is always “free”) for a cause that’s just not important enough to THEM to prioritize it.

I do donate some of my time and money, and I have to tell you that while I am overall sympathetic to your cause, right now if you (or anyone else) asked me to do MORE, I’d pretty much turn you down flat. Because, even though it might not look like it to an outsider, my free time is completely booked. To take on something else, I’d have to give up something that I cherish and have already made a priority in my planner and in my life. What are you offering to your friends and family, besides your angst and guilt, to make them want to choose to give up THEIR priorities for YOURS?
It all boils down to “what’s in it for me?” You’ve told us what’s in it for you - it is, at least in some measure, an assuaging of your guilt at being a “have” instead of a “have-not”. But what’s in it for them? You have to come up with a reason for THEM, not for YOU, and sell THAT to them.

Ninjachick, charity begins at home. It seems like this time of the year is tough for you because a lot of the conflicts you have with your family really come to a head. It must be really hard having to deal with two religions in one family right now.

I can kind of relate to how you feel getting gifts. Right now I am going to school, driving a car, and taking piano lessons all thanks to the support of my family. My family does a ton for me, and I don’t really need anything else beyond what they already provide. However, in my case, any feelings of chairity for others must be set aside so that I can help the people closest to me. My mom helps me financially when she is able, and so I help her financially when I am able.

As for boycotting Thanksgiving, well, okay…Personally I don’t look at Thanksgiving in a literal kind of “commemorating 300 years of genocide” kind of way- its more of a way for the family to get together and spend some quality time with each other. As I am getting older and more distant with some of my family, I really look foward to it so that I can see some relatives I have not seen in a long time.

When I read your post, I got a wierd feeling inside…I’ll be honest at first I wanted to piffle at it but it really made me take a look at my own life. I’m sorry its such a rough time of year for you, and sincerely hope that you can come to some kind of understanding with your family in the future.

When all is said and done, you can’t change other people too much, or too fast, if at all. If you’ve made the suggestions and tried (honestly and gently) to get them to see your side of things, then about all you can do is let them be the way they are, and try your best to be gracious about it. Sometimes we just have to love people where they are, because they aren’t going where we want them to go. I hope things get better for you.