I heard of a couple who had not only decorative soaps and unusable guest towels, they also put those floating candles in the freakin’ toilet. Apparently guests were supposed to go outside, or something.
Stupid.
There is one thing that I am confused about. I know that if you have guests coming over for a day, you should take off all of the plastic covers on your furniture. However, what if the guests are staying overnight or longer? Do you remove the plastic covers for the first few hours and then put them back on or leave them off the whole time? Leaving them off the whole time seems pretty risky.
THIS needs to be repeated, because it is The Answer. In fact, I’m pretty sure Miss Manners recommended this solution elsewhere, or maybe it was Peg Bracken. Show off your nice towels and soaps, but also enable your guests to wash. It’s simple.
Really, nothing’s tackier than “nice” items never used, emulating ordinary items that must be used. If I’m in somebody’s bathroom and all the towels are expensive and pristine, I’ll happily crumple them right up, on the assumption that if the host is rich enough to have nice towels, he also has spare quarters for the laundry machines.
Lord, I’d just pee on the candles.
“Whee! Bullseye!”
Podkayne: Recently mother-in-law got me some decorative soap. […] I would just put it out for guests to use (slightly pre-used, to show that it’s fair game) but it doesn’t look like it was ever meant to be used as soap. It’s painted to look like it’s [gilded?], and I really can’t imagine what would happen if you got it wet and rubbed it.
In the name of science and the Straight Dope, it is obviously your duty to conduct this experiment. Please go to the closet, take out a piece of the decorative soap, take it into the bathroom, and attempt to wash your hands with it. We’ll be waiting here for the report of the outcome.
If it is usable as actual soap, then all you have to do is put it out for guests as you suggested, and you’ve got your pre-used piece right there!
If it isn’t, then I suppose you can use the rest of the pieces to decorate the bathroom anyway, as long as you don’t display them in a soap-like configuration. Up on a high shelf out of easy reach would probably be okay, or on top of the door frame if they’re small.
If you use it as soap and your MIL complains, your response should be “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I thought it was soap!” Just keep repeating that while she tries to explain to you why a piece of soap that looks like soap and works like soap should have been left out like soap in your bathroom but not used as soap. She will not be able to, and will eventually let it drop.
(Hmmm. The word “soap” now looks bizarre and unfamiliar to me.)
Shagnasty: There is one thing that I am confused about. I know that if you have guests coming over for a day, you should take off all of the plastic covers on your furniture. However, what if the guests are staying overnight or longer? Do you remove the plastic covers for the first few hours and then put them back on or leave them off the whole time? Leaving them off the whole time seems pretty risky.
You’ll hate this, but according to etiquette, you’re not supposed to have plastic covers on in the first place. (A temporary cover, say, for an item used by a toddler or pet, is one thing, but you shouldn’t have furniture permanently covered in plastic.)
If your stuff is too good to be subjected to ordinary wear and tear, give it to a museum, or set up a “museum room” in your house to contain it. (I’ve seen private houses that actually did that; the owner collected furniture from a particular period and set up one room as a period reconstruction. Kinda cool if you like that sort of thing.) Otherwise, use it as it was designed to be used, clean or mend it as necessary, and replace it when it gets too shabby to tolerate. (Nice fabric slipcovers that don’t look like dust-sheets, however, are a generally acceptable compromise.) That’s what furniture’s for.
In any case, though, you should not be expecting your guests to sit on plastic instead of furniture. Covers off for the duration of their stay.
(Remember, of course, that none of this has the force of law; it’s simply the ruling of etiquette. I will not personally think less of you if you choose to keep your whole house covered in plastic at all times. However, from an etiquette standpoint, it’s not proper. It symbolizes showing more concern for the preservation of your furniture than for the comfort of your family and guests, which is tacky and inhospitable.)
First off, great rant. Connecticut is going to be one helluva nice-smelling place if you get your way.
Second, I think we should all consider putting out a bottle of decorative softsoap, and prepare to go into hysterics if anyone accidentally uses it.
Third:
Dude. What. The. Fuck.
The household rule in my house is that the owner of the clothing gets to decide when it’s a rag, and violations of said rule may result in the offender having to be seen in public (not just around the house) with a guy wearing a shirt that has been pulled out of the rag bag.
I like softsoap for the sink, but for the tub, you must become skilled at the ancient art of The Soap Meld. Both pieces of soap must be used immediately prior to attempting a meld to soften them up, or the donor sliver will be rejected by the host bar. Further, it helps to use some really soft soap residue in the gaps as a sort of soap mortar, and try to have the last showerer of the day perform the meld, so it has overnight to set up. Using my technique, you too can help previously cast-off soap slivers live out their last days as part of a fully functional bar of soap. Why, I once successfully melded a sliver of Dial Gold to a brand new bar of Irish Spring. People said it was strange and unnatural, but in my heart, I know soap sees no color.
And podkayne, gilded soap that looks like it might not even be usable as soap? That’s just cruel and wrong. Also, if your mother-in-law expects it to be there forever, she needs to have her heart broken sooner rather than later. She’s effectively asking you to be one of those people who has the same bars of soap in your bathroom until your neices and nephews grow up and post about it on the SDMB. And we won’t let you become that person.
My sister in law knows I like candles.
So she gave me this candle last Xmas.
And went into shock when she came to my house and saw I’d actually
gasp
lit it.
It took my brother over a week to get her to calm down about it and realize that this did not mean I disliked her gift, it means I think of candles as candles.
Decorative soap is cute, but mine gets used. Same with decorative candles, and do not ever give me any kind of linen I’m not supposed to use: it will get used.
For the longest time, we had a candle shaped like a turkey. It was part of Mom’s Thanksgiving decorations. Problem was - it was an evil turkey candle. It had these bright red eyes - evil. Mom would never put it on the adult table - it was always on the kids’ table (although it should be mentioned that we have people at the kids’ table that are 30+ years old). Evil turkey. So, a few years ago, we did what we had to do - we burned the turkey candle. Die turkey die!
Now to deal with the candle shaped like an orange.
Susan
At my hous, soap slivers are thrown out. If they are retrieved from the trash can for use, the offender gets the full force of my wrath followed by serious shunning and eventually public ridicule. This has happened. I will go without soap, or without food and with soap before I will use slivers, and yes, I have made the latter choice before.
I also throw away bars of soap in public restrooms that have developed cavities and began to grow mold inside the cavity.
Beautiful, beautiful rant. That is some Pulitzer-quality bitching right there, I’ll tell you what. Hats off!
My wife has an avowed spinster friend who, on top of having all the confusing decorative do-dads in the bath, felt it was somehow appropriate to prop a mirror up on the top of the tank. I imagine, placed as it was, it helped with straightening out some-or-other article of clothing at waste-height, as the mirror over the sink would surely only afford her (being a petite woman), a view from the shoulders up.
Of course, sitting on the toilet, she would be facing away from the mirror, and would not ever be treated to the sight of herself grimacing as she squeezed out an unusually ponderous BM. But imagine my surprise the first time I went to take a leak and found…Why hello, there penis! Never quite saw you doing that from that angle before, now have I. How delightfully repellent just before dinner.
The second time I used that bathroom, I decided I didn’t really want to watch myself urinate from a spectator’s point-of-view, and figured I’d just move the mirror. The mirror, unfortunately, was set in place with one of those amazing feats of balance where even intending to move the object so aligned will cause it to leap from its perch and hurl itself floorward. Crash! Just touching the mirror caused it to slide behind the tank and shatter into many, many small pieces. Now I had shards of mirror strewn all over a tile floor. Quite embarassing. Well, at least I didn’t have to watch myself pee again.
So, driving home, my wife wants to know why I was fooling with the mirror. My innocent, honest explanation did not move her to pity. Her ire at being humiliated by her husband in a good friend’s house should have warned me to lie about having a seizure or some other uncontrollable misfortune, but it was too late. I got harassed for being too frightened to look at my own dick for months afterward. I’d be naked in front of her, and she’d make exaggerated moves to avert her eyes, lest she see the wicked penis from an unflattering angle.
I think the moral is, when faces with such a boobie-trapped bathroom as only some widowed aunt or somesuch could contrive, best to come up with an excuse to get something out of the car and pee in the street.
Why thank you for the delightfully evil idea on new ways to torture my male friends! I already have the fuzzy toilet-seat cover, but this is even better! 
Larry Mudd: Not to mention fluffy toilet seat lid cozies, which serve to prevent the lid from remaining open. The best kind compress a bit when you put the lid up, and then slowly puff up again, so that the lid slams shut when you’re in the middle of your business, if you don’t know to dedicate one hand to keeping it in place the whole time.
Loopydude: The second time I used that bathroom, I decided I didn’t really want to watch myself urinate from a spectator’s point-of-view, and figured I’d just move the mirror. […] Crash! […] Now I had shards of mirror strewn all over a tile floor.
Gentlemen, you do realize it’s anatomically possible for you to pee into the toilet while sitting on it, right? Maybe it would just be simpler to adopt that practice in other people’s bathrooms, at least when the toilets have self-closing lids or disconcerting mirrors.
In fact, there exists an entire organization devoted to the cause of encouraging men to pee sitting down, namely Mothers Against Peeing Standing UP (MAPSU):
Obviously, at least our two posters here have suffered as a consequence of it! (The MAPSU site also sells t-shirts and distributes a free poster of Uncle Sam saying “I Want You to Take a Seat”. :))
(And remember, guys, in a private bathroom with the door closed nobody will ever know that you’re “peeing like a girl”. And think of the potential aggravation and embarrassment it will save you, not to mention the urine spatters and slivers of glass all over the bathroom.)
Bzzzzt! Right cause, wrong approach.
Extreme Pee! Where you truly hang your ass out over the edge! Will the alligators who live in the sewers jump up to take a nip? Sit down and find out…IF YOU DATE!
I mean DARE!
(somebody’s been moving my buttons)
Penis Ensued!
shit, I need some Pepsi.
It’s harder to do quietly that way, and I was brought up to pee discreetly.
“Oi! D’ya think that door’s solid oak?”
Peeing while sitting down? I can’t do that…the water’s too cold!
What? Sit? Now you tell me!! :smack:
Loopydude My bathroom is set up so that there’s a vanity, then the toilet then the tub/shower. The vanity mirror covers the entire wall up to the tile over the tub which means that it covers the wall above the toilet.
My brother remarked when he was helping me move in that he didn’t especially like watching himself pee.
My husband doesn’t seem to mind though.
With me it’s all standard towells and liquid soap.
But what about this: I was in the Ritz-Carlton once and the ladies room didn’t have paper towells they had very nice hand towells in the public restroom outside of the restaurant. I really appreciated the nice soft hand towells but when I was finished I didn’t know where to put it. I was in the handicapped stall (because I was changing clothes for a gig) and there was only one little waste can sitting next to the toilet. I didn’t think it ought to go in there because there was paper trash in there. I carried it out of the stall with me and found a basket near the door where there were other used towells. I put it in there.
I just thought if it’s a big, enclosed stall like that (more like a 8’ x 8’ room than a stall) there should have been a separate towell basket.
I wonder if my former mother-in-law was a founding member. She taught my ex-husband to pee sitting down and then carefully dab off the tip of his willy with one square of toilet paper folded into quarters.
Whoa. Don’t they realise that significantly increases the risk of explosion? And that’s not polite at all.
Even my dear mother got sucked into the culture of the False And Unusable Accessories: she had a little dish of Unusable Guest Soap in the bathroom. We know not to use it because it was covered in embedded dust. 
There were no Unusable Guest Towels because the bathroom was too small and the Used Resident Towels would have crowded them out.
Then there are the painted decorator plates in the china cabinet. I could sort of comprehend those; they were just paintings on an unnecessarily-copnfusing medium.
Speaking of Unusable Guest Rooms, my grandmother (British) did that: there was an entire living room at her house where the furniture was covered in plastic and there were plastic runners on the carpet and Absolutely No-one Expect Maybe The Queen was to use it.
I think my Portuguese friends had an entire floor of their house that was Not To Be Used.
I never understood the purpose of these rooms. I never heard of any guest using them. Are there any Dopers who can clarify the custom?