Definining your Masculinity

In My Humble Opinion
1

This has been on my mind for awhile now. I’m a 33 year old heterosexual male. Throughout my life I’ve seemed to gravitate to what are considered traditionally more feminine activities. I know there really is no such thing, but the activities I do generally have more females in them. I’m an elementary music teacher. I also do Yoga. I enjoy social dance as well. This especially I think calls into question my masculinity. On the flip side I recently have started lifting (with kettle bells) though my primary exercise outlet throughout most of my life has been jogging. I like listening to female singers rather than anything super manly (like heavy metal, rap, or male singers). I’m also a musician…which helps counter balance because I’m a guitar player. I have often not been into team sports nor has y focus in life been to make a lot of money. When I read books they are often self-helpish in nature. Mostly because I like to grow and I’ve had a lot of anxiety issues in the past that they have helped with.

Growing up my Father had issues with his emotions and depression. My brother kept me at arms length and I had few friends during my school years. I was often bullied. As I got older and made more friends I noticed I was more “sensitive” than most and I liked having hang outs where we could talk about stuff. I’m less like that now but it has been a pattern. I kinda feel a lack of a real male role model in my formative years has affected me.

I guess sometimes I’m not comfortable I have inhabited my own masculinity well enough. I am still single at 33 and wonder if my lack of male role models as a youngster led me more down shall I say a feminine path and has contributed to my lack of success in dating (I’ve had only one long term relationship which lasted 3 years…and two shorter 6 month relationships after). It really gives me a hang up as an elementary school music teacher. I do like my job (especially right now), but I hate telling people what I do. I make a good living with teaching and private music lessons (around 85k canadian). I often wish though I did something else just because I might feel more like “A Man”. So any thoughts on this? I hope I don’t sound sexist or juvenile. A male friend of mine who is bisexual once asked me out, and I said thanks but no thanks. And then I asked him if I put out a feminine vibe, and he said that he notices it.

I’ll keep lifting though. I’m hooked on it now. That should help my brain a bit. But I also want to try Acro Yoga. Probably a bit more feminine. Hoping to get to the shooting range this year.

2

You’re Renaissance, not feminine.

3

I have no advice on what you should do to meet women, other than find social activities you enjoy that have a good mix of the opposite sex.

As for feeling like you aren’t masculine enough…try to enjoy what you enjoy, and not worry about it. Everyone else can go f themselves, as long as you get satisfaction and fulfillment out of what you are doing and whether society considers that stuff feminine or masculine.

I enjoyed watching football and followed the Saints regularly until getting married 20+ years ago. Now I watch almost no sports (because it’s such a time suck and I have two kids), and find I don’t miss it; it would have been tougher to admit that in my 20s, but I’m pretty comfortable in my quirky skin to not be the least bothered by it.

I enjoy antiquing (big fan of the Georgian and Regency periods), decorating my house, and perusing auction catalogues. I’m fascinated by French Bronzes and Greco/Roman sculpture, I enjoy poetry (just bought a book on Romantic poetry since I like Shelley and Blake), and will probably try to get a job at an auction house and work my way up when I retire from the military.

You gotta live your life for you…it’s hard to do that, but if you live for other people you may find yourself miserable.

4

I agree. I also have no problem meeting women (I dated about 8 last year). Sustaining relationships is harder.

5

You are you, and you like what you like. Who cares if what you like is what’s traditionally considered “masculine”?

6

Anyone who reacts to “I am an elementary school music teacher” with anything other than “That sounds like a really fun and rewarding job!” is some kind of messed up and their opinion should not matter to you.

I can see how maybe your interests would be off-putting to many women (I’m a woman…who happens to be in to “masculine” pursuits!) but the woman you DO end up with will be spectacular because she loves you for you.

7

You are who you are. And there’s no need in feeling bad about things that you can not change. Easier said than done, I know. But it’s true.

So what if you don’t pass social standards for what is sufficiently masculine? All that really means is that you don’t act according to a stereotype. I’ve always been most attracted to men who aren’t ashamed they like “girly” things.

What is unattractive is being self-conscious, apologetic, and purple prosey about being unmacho. So I suggest laughing about it as much as you can. Be the guy who wears the pink shirt fearlessly. Revel in your appreciation for “chick flicks” and female singers. That is much sexier than someone who acts embarrassed about himself.

8

Thanks y’all. I am generally all “fuck off” to others who disrespect my choices. But I’m checking in with myself right now to ensure I’m still on the right path. Most of my close friends feel I have transformed myself these past few years with new hobbies and a new job. I’m certainly a lot healthier and happier for it.

9

This, essentially.

I more or less decided this way in high school. Some of the things I do are traditionally masculine (weight-lifting, judo and martial arts), but I also read a lot, like social dancing, care almost nothing about football, baseball, basketball, hockey, golf, and similar team sports. I cook a lot, by choice, and my wife is the math whiz in the family who helped my kids with their homework, and I couldn’t fix a car to save my life. I like to hold babies and tell dirty jokes (not to the babies, usually). I smoke cigars and I talk about my feelings.

On the other hand, I have decided not to care. I do what I do because I like it. If society wants to think of me as a sissy or a macho pig, fine. I’ve been called both, and I didn’t care either time.

Don’t worry about being masculine. Worry about being a gentlemen. It’s a lot harder, but works out better in the long run.

Besides, chicks dig it. :smiley:

Regards,
Shodan

10

You could always ride a motorcycle to yoga class.

11

I don’t buy into all that gender roll crap. I am a very masculine male but would much rather hang around the kitchen with the women talking cooking and decorating than watch football. You like what you like and it doesn’t mean squat.

12

The right path is dependent on where you are trying to get to.

13

Could be. Or it could be that you are the way you are because that’s just how you are.

I grew up with lots of female role models and I’m not a very feminine woman. I only rarely wear make-up. I hate shopping. I don’t like romance novels or films, and I don’t squeal at the first sight of a spider. And I also hate hanging out and talking about “stuff”. I’m girly with a few things (like maybe starting the lawnmower). But I’ve got a masculine bent to me, even when I’m in a skirt.

I can construct a narrative that would explain this. Like, perhaps I was exposed to too much pre-natal testerone…which would explain my ambidextrousness and neurological quirks too. But it’s just so much easier to assume I’m the way I am because that’s just how I am. There’s no need to for me to “fix” myself, because there’s nothing objectively wrong with preferring non-fiction over fiction or sports sandals over wedges.

I am friends with women who are girlier than I am. They may joke around with me and call me a “man”. But that just gives me permission to make fun of them for being “girly.”

14

I’ve defined my right path in the past few years as doing things and following paths that really make me FEEL happy. Living in my whole body not just my head. Being healthy. Exploring new experiences. Setting my intention as making the most of each day. So it’s a kinda “go with the gut” kinda approach. Listening to my whole body and what it wants (I actually believe that our intellectual problems manifest in the body).It’s been working so I’m keeping with it.

15

Things I do that are “masculine”:
I value and keep my word. Come hell or high water, if I said I’d do it, I will be there.
I pull my own weight. It is important to me to be an asset and never a burden.
I don’t whine and cry when things do not go my way.
I assist others when assistance is called for and can be depended on.
I persist at reaching my goals. It is a point of pride never to embrace weakness.

Perhaps I read too many books written in the 1800s as a child, but I can’t muster up much respect for people that don’t share my antiquated views.

Being an elementary school music teacher, doing yoga, playing the guitar, jogging and doing social dance are not “unmanly” activities, but it is possible that women are honestly perceiving you as gay.

16

Yes I agree. That’s the issue. I am not gay but am concerned about the perception. I share all your common values. I would expect those values out of a woman as well.

17

I think that’s all the more reason for you to be frank and honest about who you are others. I’m serious. If you’re on a date, bring this up. It shows you understand how you might come across to others, but that you give no effs about it.

18

I do as well as I can. I guess opening up is always hard because of the possible rejection involved. I don’t hide stuff. Usually by the second or third encounter or date I think people have a pretty good understanding of my hobbies, activities, and lifestyle.

19

As you say in your OP,
[QUOTE=Quasimodal]
I know there really is no such thing
[/quote]

… but you live in a world where people do tend to believe there is such a thing as “masculine” and “feminine” (above and beyond simply having male or female plumbing), and it’s gotten into your head, too, insofar as you write of feeling

and you use terms like “masculine” and “feminine” non-ironically and not with much dubiety.

Nothing wrong with that. None of us right now have the option of living in a world where notions of “masculine” and “feminine” have been discarded, and a lifetime of being in a world where those notions hold sway has a way of implanting them into our perceptions. And at that point they’re pretty “real” things, even if we feel confident in saying they are “cultural” and not “physical” forms of reality.
I also have a substantial number of behaviors and personality traits, attitudes and perspectives and priorities etc, that would be called “feminine”, well beyond the point where my attention was drawn to it and I was given cause to think about it a lot.

In my case, I eventually felt cornered into making an identity-decision — and I decided “masculine” was for other people, that folks were right, I wasn’t like that, and that faced with the pressure to change how I was in order to escape the accusation that I was not masculine, I rebelled and embraced the way I was, instead, and came out as a feminine male. Yeah, fine, I’m a male girl, and instead of proving my masculinity I’m declaring that I don’t have any.

There are other gender-options now that may fit you more comfortably than what I did (which I call “gender invert”). Lots of people identify as genderfluid these days, and others position themselves at various 2/3rds-points on either side of the androgynous middleground, declaring themselves to be “demiboys” or “demigirls”, somewhere between neutral and their expected gender. Still others fashion themselves as anti-gender revolutionaries, doing their best to discard gender entirely.

In my opinion, it’s not wrong or unhealthy to ponder all this stuff, and not necessarily healthier to “just be yourself and ignore all these expectations”; but you do get to select your own gendered response to those expectations, which can range from putting more effort into conforming to expectations to expending effort in contradicting them instead.

20

Ideally, people of all ages and genders would conform to my personal values. :smiley:

Maybe you can work something about your heterosexuality into a conversation-starter. It sounds like you probably encounter a lot of women and could easily invite someone to go for a jog, or do some yoga or whatever and there is usually a shortage of male dance partners, so start filling up your dance card, so to speak. At worst, you will make female friends who might set you up with their female friends after they get to know you.