I had some traumatic dental issues after an accident in college. I recv’d root canals and caps on my three front teeth.
My wife has never had good teeth, I don’t know the details but they apparently are very cracked and falling apart.
Since my wife is unemployed she feels this is a good time to once and for all to get her teeth fixed. She is convinced fixing will entail some percentage of false teeth, partials, etc but she’ll find out more exact info next week at her appointment.
This is horrible & very traumatic for her, she’s put this off for years and years, so she’s very brave for finally trying to do something.
Scoop is, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to see her in the midst of her (probably) numerous procedures and after the fact, I don’t want to see her only partially put together. I want to be supportive, but I just don’t know where I’m going to get the strength. She needs to take care of this issue, we both know it, but I’m at a loss for words.
I don’t want to see it and I certainly don’t want to go to the dentist with her and be there when she comes out. I should say, I want to, I just don’t see that I can. I can’t let her go thru this alone, but I don’t know how to find the strength.
Yeah, I’m kind of with Diana on this one. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that she will look awful while the procedures are being done? Or are you worried about the pain that she will be experiencing?
You do realize that once your wife is finished with her dental work, she’s going to look GREAT, right?
Is it just that you don’t want to see her midway through all the repairs, or that you don’t want to see her in the midst an ongoing uncomfortable process (ie, you don’t want to see her in pain)?
Whoa, that’s pretty harsh…he already said he’d had his own traumatic experience with the dentist!
I suspect that just as a person who’s survived a tornado may get skittish when the wind starts picking up, by seeing her in the middle of similar procedures he would relive what he went through. As much as he wants to be there for her, it would be torture for him.
Your comparison of root canals to torture and natural disasters amuses me, in a “whatever” kind of way.
I’m just sayin’, this is entirely likely to not be the worst thing that ever happens to them, and apparently he’s not a hang-in-there kinda guy. Better to leave now.*
*Although the least he could do is put off the actual divorce, if he’s the one with the dental insurance.
You don’t have to be afraid. Dental procedures are improving all the time. All your wife needs is for someone to be by her side when she goes for the procedures. Support can be silent, you don’t have to find fancy words. In fact, she’d probably rather not talk about it.
If you can’t go because of work, for instance, help her find someone, a relative or friend, who can go with her.
This sounds like a huge step for her. Courage is there when you need it, I’m sure you have it. If you must cry, do it by yourself. People often say to others “I don’t know how you went through all that, how you had the courage”-- truth is, life happens and you deal with it. There’s no magic formula or innate talent.
Be there for her, and you’ll learn something about your own strength.
I’m with lobotomyboy63. Everyone has mental and emotional quirks and individual horrors. The OP isn’t expressing a sense of distaste, he’s trying to find the strength to support his wife through something he finds uniquely horrifying.
Hang in there, Digger1914! Right now, you don’t know exactly what the situation is. Breathe deeply, hold your wife close to you, and wait until the appointment to find out what’s the what. Cross the bridge when you come to it. You may well surprise yourself by handling the reality of it all better than the looming imagination.
OP, I’ve spent a few hours in the chair myself. As bad as it was, I know others who have suffered far more than me.
A friend of mine was (and is still) upset because her husband didn’t visit her in the hospital after her surgery. The problem was that his girlfriend died because of the same issue and he couldn’t bear to go inside again for fear he’d get the same awful news.
I think it’s important that she understand where you’re coming from on this, basically some of the stuff you’ve told us. I’d also try to focus yourself on what you can do instead of what you can’t. Like maybe you can’t go in the room to give her moral support during the dental surgery, but you can help her ask good questions when picking a dentist.
I wonder about the part of you not wanting to see her partly put together. Did you feel bad about how you looked for a time, until your work was finished? Do you think she feels awkward about how she’ll look or maybe she hasn’t considered that?
I think too it’s a chance to confront some of your own feelings about it, maybe make some peace with them.
@DianaG: I don’t know what happened. The fact that he was in a car accident…could be he had to have reconstructive work on his face etc. I’m taking the OP’s word that it was traumatic.
@MoodIndigo1: Right, it may not be as bad as his worst fears.
Anyhow, I am frightened of the dentist too, but I made myself go and get three wisdom teeth removed last year because I had to. Honestly, it was GREAT! Dentistry is nothing like I remember it, and the dentist was nice and careful, and the nurse kept asking if I was ok and told me how to give hand signals. It’s so far away from the torture it used to be.
Finding a good dentist is key, and to be honest, I will always go for sedation when it comes to any cavity work or anything. I’m more relaxed now, but I just can’t handle it.
You have to think of the outcome, and you also have to realize it’s really not that bad anymore. Your wife is going to look great! My dad just had this done and he looks so young now.
Oh, also, when dad was having it done, they’d put temporary teeth in while the anchors were healing, so it’s not like he had visible posts sticking out or anything.
Your wife she look into dentists who do sedation dentistry. They can do all the work while the patient is sedated so there is nothing scary about it. These dentists are very good at dealing with patients who have a lot of problems because they have fear of dental procedures.
Yeah, I had to look at myself for about a month with various lengths of teeth. I had a dentist “pop” off a cap during a regular cleaning, tooth just popped off right on to the chest rag. Oopsie.
I know she will look good afterwards, but I also know that there is a possibility of the teeth being false , meaning she takes them out for cleaning. That is the part that I don’t really want to see time and time again. I don’t want to see her not put together, I don’t want to make out w/ her not being put together.
And I don’t want her to go thru what I did, having to look at yourself during the ordeal. How can I tell her that everything is going to be OK if I’m going to have a hard time?
I don’t want to be a baby about this, but like the one poster said, this is a uniquely horrifying situation for me. I can’t imaging not being there holding her hand, but I can’t imagine how to do it w/o sedation for me as well.
I know it’s ten times worse for the person actually going thru it, so I should suck it up. Like I said before, I just don’t think I can be as strong as she deserves me to be.
Everybody has different limitations, different fears. Don’t beat up on yourself for it. Do the best you can; nobody can ask more than that, including yourself.
I’m sure your wife knows all this about you already–that you can’t be a strong as you like for her but you probably will be strong enough.
These days an appliance that comes out every night for cleaning isn’t as common as it was in the past. There are all kinds of possibilities for restorations that are permanent; for instance, I have a permanent bridge that looks like 3 natural teeth. There are also implants–more costly, but a possibility. You should try to go to a consultation with your wife and the dentist to discuss the possibilities. He can probably even show you solutions using computer animation which wouldn’t be too shocking to view.
While work is in progress, there are also temporary solutions that look fine.
Good dental offices are equipped to help all kinds of people who have various levels of fear issues. Call them and be honest about how you feel so they can help you support your wife. I know you can do it. It will be wonderful for your wife to make use of her unemployed time by taking care of this and it will give her the confidence to interview for a new job more successfully.
Would it maybe help for you to see the dentist by yourself, just to talk to him about what will happen? Just so you have the information and you know what you might have to deal with. Or maybe there is someone else you could talk to about this, like a therapist? It might not take a whole lot for you to be able to deal with it.
Having undergone sedation dentistry twice, I can state without fear of contradiction that your part will be minimal. Your job will be to get her to the dentist and then drive her home. Your presence while she’s in the chair will be neither required nor encouraged. You’d just be in the way. As for her part, she’ll sit down in the dentist’s chair and then wake up at home. My wife tells me that we ate at Sonic after one of my procedures but I have absolutely no memory of it. I have very vague memories of what they did to me but while it was going on, it really felt more like they were working on someone else.
Seriously, sleep dentistry is worth every penny. At the time, about 6 or 7 years ago, it added about $200 to the price of a $3000 procedure. Best investment I ever made. I hate dentists. I could be captain of the Olympic Gagging Team.