Dialog structure in modern fiction narrative

Cafe Society
1

How would you organize the following into paragraphs?

“I’ll show those bastards,” Milton mumbled, fidgeting with his box. He twisted the last two wires together, deftly tucking them into a small ball of putty. He closed the box and screwed the top on tightly. Stuffing it under his coat, he walked quietly back into the boardroom. “Gentlemen, I have something to say.” “What now, Milton?” Mr. Ratchard sighed. But others weren’t so clueless. “I think he has a gun!” Mary shouted. Edna recoiled, knocking over the water pitcher. George blurted out, “Hey! We’re in the middle of a vote.” Others became panicky and rose from their seats. “Sit down,” Milton said. “Now you’re all gonna listen to me.” An uneasy quiet hung over the room until Mr. Ratchard’s cell phone rang. He glanced down at it and smiled broadly. “Ah, very good, Milton! Ingenious, I must say.”

2

However the author wants to best make the point.

3

Pretend you’re the author. How would you organize it into paragraphs?

(If you don’t want to participate, that’s okay. But I’m really looking for answers to the question in the OP.)

4

I tried to indent this like the text would be in a typical book, but for some reason it didn’t work, so I did block-paragraphs instead:
“I’ll show those bastards,” Milton mumbled, fidgeting with his box. He twisted the last two wires together, deftly tucking them into a small ball of putty. He closed the box and screwed the top on tightly. Stuffing it under his coat, he walked quietly back into the boardroom.

“Gentlemen, I have something to say.”

“What now, Milton?” Mr. Ratchard sighed. But others weren’t so clueless.

“I think he has a gun!” Mary shouted. Edna recoiled, knocking over the water pitcher. George blurted out, “Hey! We’re in the middle of a vote.” Others became panicky and rose from their seats.

“Sit down,” Milton said. “Now you’re all gonna listen to me.” An uneasy quiet hung over the room until Mr. Ratchard’s cell phone rang. He glanced down at it and smiled broadly.

“Ah, very good, Milton! Ingenious, I must say.”

That’s how I’d do it. It’s not 100% consistent with the whole “start a new paragraph when the speaker changes” rule most of us learned in school, but lots of books break that rule for style, clarity, or dramatic purposes.

5

Oooh, I like this all together as a chunk, because it plays as a fast montage of reactions.

6

I’ll show those bastards Milton.

*::Mumbled fidgeting with his box:: *

He twisted the last two.

Wires together,
Deftly tucking,
Them into a small ball of. . .

Putty, he closed the box and screwed the top on tightly, stuffing it.

Under his coat, he walked quietly back. “Into the boardroom, gentlemen, I have something!”

To say what now. . .Milton? Mr Ratchard?

::sighed, but others weren’t::

So clueless, I think. He has a gun.

Mary shouted.
Edna recoiled.

“Knocking over the water pitcher,” George blurted out.

“Hey, we’re in the middle of a vote, others”

::became panicky and rose from their seats::

“Sit down, Milton,” said Now.

You’re all gonna listen. To me, an uneasy quiet hung over the room.

Until Mr. Ratchard’s cell phone rang, he glanced down at it and smiled.

Broadly:: “Ah very good Milton ingenious.” I must say/

7

I’m pretty sure it’s standard not to have more than one person speaking in the same paragraph.

8

But that’s the point. Sometimes you want to break the standard for the effect.

Without knowing the context of the paragraph and the effect the author is striving for in the rest of the piece, there is no single meaningful answer to the question.

You could ask this in a school quiz when you have just covered the topic of paragraphing, but you can’t ask this in the real world and get more than uninformed opinions due to the lack of context.

9

“I’ll show those bastards,” Milton mumbled, fidgeting with his box. He twisted the last two wires together, deftly tucking them into a small ball of putty. He closed the box and screwed the top on tightly.

Stuffing it under his coat, he walked quietly back into the boardroom. “Gentlemen, I have something to say.”

“What now, Milton?” Mr. Ratchard sighed. But others weren’t so clueless.

“I think he has a gun!” Mary shouted. Edna recoiled, knocking over the water pitcher.

George blurted out, “Hey! We’re in the middle of a vote.” Others became panicky and rose from their seats.

“Sit down,” Milton said. “Now you’re all gonna listen to me.”

An uneasy quiet hung over the room until Mr. Ratchard’s cell phone rang. He glanced down at it and smiled broadly. “Ah, very good, Milton! Ingenious, I must say.”

There’s a few breaks there I might do differently, depending on the effect I want, but this is one viable way of splitting it.

10

I like Trunk’s.

11

Also, why does he call them “gentlemen” when you’ve got Mary and Edna there at the very least?

12

I’d do it like Winston Bongo, but I like Tengu’s version fine too.

13

Rewriting into semi-stream of consciousness, because I’m feeling creative.

[blockquote]
Mumbling, fidgeting. The last two wires went into the putty.

I’ll show those bastards.

Close the top, screw the top on. Tight, tight. Now, back into the boardroom, don’t let them see it, don’t make a scene.

“Gentlemen, I–”

Ratchard sighed. “What now, Milton?”

“–have something to say–”

Mary screamed. “He’s got a gun!”

Crash! There went the water pitcher, and Edna too. George tried to keep order, “Hey, we’re in the middle of a vote!”

“Sit down.”

They sat.

“You’re all gonna listen to me, now.”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

::ring::

Ratchet glanced down at his cell phone. He smiled, understanding now. “Ah, very good, Milton. Ingenious, even.”
[/quote]

14

Notice the effects of different punctuation. Liberal’s first example, where everything is in one paragraph seems to happen very fast…taking a couple of seconds, and things seem fluid and unpredictable and rushed. When broken up into paragraph breaks like Tengu’s example it seems to take a lot longer, like a couple of minutes. Actions seem more deliberate, more thought-out.

15

Very interesting how the dynamics change. Thanks to everyone for helping me sort of “get” this. Please keep them coming. The more examples I see, I’m getting ideas for poetic license.