I not only got the talk, I’ve given the talk.
In both cases (and this was radical during the 1950s and 1960s when I needed the information), in both cases, it was not a single talk, but an atmosphere of openness and freedom to ask anything.
I remember my mom getting me a take-apart “visible woman” model which you could convert to an advanced pregnant state. We painted the pieces and discussed anatomy and sex. We discussed pregnancy and giving birth, as well as the traditional 1950s concepts of a girl “maintaining her reputation.” We discussed double standards and a variety of issues that were emerging in the women’s movement–though we didn’t call it that. We even discussed birth control–the pill was just coming on the market, so that was not a real option as a teenager. We discussed what it was like for her growing up–no one even alerted her to such basic changes as menstration. She thought she was dying when she got her first period.
The only thing really missing in information I got as a child/teenager was any idea that sex could be really fun for a woman. I suspect that she didn’t know. For example, I asked her once what 69 meant, and she didn’t know. She asked my dad, though, and reported back, somewhat clinically. The only question I ever asked that caused a “shutdown” of communication was during a discussion of contraception when I asked what she and dad used. Turns out he’d had a vasectomy and she felt it was not her position to share it.
Giving “the talk”: My experience as a parent (I have a 23 year old and still have kids under 10) is that experiences come up all the time to discuss sexuality, both in physical terms and moral terms. My commitment to my kids has been never to lie to them. It’s not always easy, because we have all done some things that we prefer to keep private. (Mom, have you ever committed adultery? Did you always used contraceptives? Were you scared when you had the AIDS test? Have you ever kissed a girl?) And of course, most children up to a certain age simply consider the whole idea of sex as kind of “icky”. (* Do guys really put their tongue in your mouth like that? ewwwww*) I explain it’s like mushrooms or beer and wine–it kinda grows on you as you get older.
Very often conversations occur on long drives or when we watch movies together. My goodness, the conversations with my sons during James Bond films should have been recorded!!! (Do women really like that? Do YOU? Shouldn’t he be married?) And the oral sex information passed on during the Clinton/Lewinski debacle was fairly “complete.” (Do you and dad? Do you like to? Is it the same as cheating?).
And we go over the sex-ed materials from school, but they are most so incredibly DULL. Compare a discussion on sex drive and peer pressure with the time the neighbor’s cat was in heat and we talked about being “horny”. (Do you get horny, mom?) You sure you really want to communicate with your kids?
Another “technique” I’ve used is to have informative books simply on the bookshelf mixed in with the hodgepodge of mysteries and dog-training manuals. For instance, when one of my boys was about 6 he became absolutely fascinated by childbirth books. Bedtime story for months was “Your Child’s First Journey”–a fairly graphic text from my Lamaze Class.
Ah memories! Go figure.
