To avoid hijacking MerryMagdeline’s related thread here:
I have 2 daughters, one almost 3 and one almost 4 months. I felt exactly zero connection to either one at birth, and frankly fail to see any redeeming qualities in a baby. Toddlers, OTOH, are a blast, and my oldest is daddy’s little girl.
For a long time after my oldest’s birth, I felt like crap because I did not feel any connection. After seeing how the connection developed, I’m not so worried about it with my youngest.
Did you have an instant connection with your child?
Are you male or female?
Do you generally like babies?
I fell in love with our first one before he was born and that never changed. He was the light of my life from the minute I laid eyes on him.
The two younger ones weren’t quite as intense, as soon, but yes, we were connected pretty much immediately, or at least as soon as I could get the youngest back from the nursery. They took her off to warm her up, since she took the fast route out, and they didn’t want her to get shocky. I’m still not sure about that plan.
I did not. I am female. In fact, I found the whole pregnancy thing to be a big drag and was always bitchy to the doctor and his staff. By the time labor rolled around it would be a major understatement to say I was not feeling cooperative and then my husband was totally and utterly useless as a “coach” so I took as many opportunities to be drugged as possible and, in fact, got knocked out because I was all freaked during the c-section. I deeply resented being woken up to look at the baby, didn’t think he was cute and finally, when he was about 6 hours old, my husband forced me to hold him. I gave up rather quickly at breastfeeding too. I just wanted to get some rest.
I am male. I have a 2-yr old daughter and a son on-the-way.
Instant connection, no.
When my daughter was born any connection I had was purely in my own head. There was no mystical sense of connection between us. I just had to be there to change diapers and get her to nap. It was through these tasks of basic care that I developed a real love for her.
I and I alone can do things for her that no one else can. She relies on me to do these. What “these” are depends on what age she is, and what her whim fancies. It used to be that I was the only one who could get her to nap. I’m sure in 10-15 years, I’ll be the only one who will give her $50 ('cuz that’s what a movie ticket & popcorn will cost by then).
But I never expected there to be some “connection.” I usually write-off the opinion of anyone who suggests such things exist instantaneously. About the only instant connection I can think of was that of nursing, and even that wasn’t “instant,” but certainly a connection in the literal sense.
I didn’t have an instant connection with either kid. I never liked or wanted kids, but managed to get myself knocked up anyway.* I was terrified of being left alone with the first one because I didn’t know what to do with her. I did better with the second one, but still…babies aren’t my bag. As they got older and developed personalities, my attachment developed as well. I’m female.
*Yes, this is the disclaimer. Best mistakes I ever made. I love them very much.
My son is 24, and it’s a bit hazy, but yes - I felt an immediate connection. Once I was off pain meds from the C-section. Especially during breast feeding.
I remember being in awe that he was mine, and I had to take off all his clothes to look at him and make sure he was whole and healthy.
I don’t like kids much now, though. They’re cute, but I want to give them back.
I would say I felt a connection from when I first held him, there in the operating room (Wife had a C-section). Honestly, he was the first baby I had ever held in my entire life. People always find that strange, but it’s the truth. I was the first person he saw (in a blur) when he opened his eyes for the first time. So I felt a connection. Probably a bit more than my wife, who had a lot of post-partum issues.
Since then, still there. He’s more of a daddy kid than mommy. Not that she’s done anything wrong, mind you, he just tends to come to me when in distress more than her. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I wondered what I was doing with a child, but he’s still my pride and joy.
Other people’s babies are much cuter and more interesting now that I’ve got one of my own, but I’m still not ga-ga over others’ kids. Just my own.
It took me almost a month to stop resenting my son after he was born. I was out of my head with pain for two weeks after delivery and it was all I could do to sit up, much less connect with a howling baby.
So, no - I did not instantly feel a magical connection and I envy those women who do. But I let myself off the hook about it - you can only beat yourself up so long before you realize you’re wasting valuable time. What matters is that, regardless of my feelings, he felt safe and loved with me - if he was crying, as soon as he touched my skin, he would quiet, even when I was wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into. We worked through it because that’s what you have to do when you’re a parent. He’s 2 and 1/2 now and we’re closer than I ever imagined we could be.
With my first son, yeah, I would say I did. With my second, not so much. I resented him a bit because I felt like I my oldest was being taken away from me and a big obstacle put between us. It didn’t help that my second was a much more challenging baby, I was having pregnancy/birth-related health issues, and he had a lot of health issues. He was a much bigger adjustment than my first.
Now, it’s all evened out (they’re 5.5 & 2.5). It’s funny, though - my youngest son is SUCH a mama’s boy. He looooooooves me and is just sort of friendly to everyone else. My oldest tends to gravitate slightly more towards my husband.
I’m not much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter (except for my own - they’re pretty cool).
I disliked being pregnant after about 5 months of it–each time. If gestation could be 5 months long, I’d have been very happy and probably would have had more kids. No I wouldn’t–I truly did not enjoy being pregnant…
First child: yes. A girl. Breast fed for about 30 days.
Second child: yes, but true “bonding” (where I felt viscerally connected) took about 2 weeks. A boy. Breast fed for 11 days.
Third child, after difficult pregnancy and even more difficult delivery: no. It took several months and in fact I think I can say I didn’t feel like I enjoyed him until he was about 5. Breast fed for 6 months.*
He was very sick as a baby and it was a very stressful time in my life. I loved him, but didn’t LOVE him. A boy. I think of them all, he and I will remain closest --we enjoy one another’s company. Or maybe it’s because he’s 10 and the other 2 are busy being teenagers…
All that said, the age I love is from about 14 months to about age 5. Second place is ages 5-11. Middle schoolers can be a lot of fun, but it is wearisome overall. Teens are teens and not as bad as the rap they get. Babies I can take or leave. I love, love, love the first month of life. After that, it’s all maintenance until they smile/sit upright/talk/walk.
*I added that in because I’ve heard that nursing is supposed to aide in said “bonding”. Um, not so much, really. I’m glad I did it and it did provide a bond of sorts, but it was no panacea.
I had a long labor and delivery with number 1. By the time he was born, I was just so relieved that he was out of me that I wasn’t really interested in having anything to do with him. I wasn’t especially concerned that he was whisked away to be suctioned and thoroughly evaluated (I’d been leaking amniotic fluid for several days and he’d aspirated a lot of meconium). I was deeply irritated with the nurse who woke me up the next morning so I could breastfeed him. When hubby arrived, I cheerfully sent baby to the nursery so that I could go to the cafeteria. I was horrified by the prospect of changing his diaper. It was a few weeks before I really felt that bond.
#2 was much easier on me in every way. Relatively easy labor and delivery and she got plopped on my chest right away. (Slimy baby! Yea!) I was in a much better mental/emotional place to admire my sweet new baby and the bonding happened a lot faster.
Now that I’m a mother, I’m much more enthusiastic about babies in general!
I’m a male, and yeah, I had an instant connection.
As soon as my son popped out, the doctor held him up and he looked right at me. Upon seeing my grinning mug, distorted I’m sure by the viscous coating of birth goo, he shrieked bloody murder. It was a sound like a B-movie monster pterodactyl had suddenly flown into the room; everyone in the room, even my wife, froze and looked at him with a perplexed “…what the fuck?” expression.
The first time I saw her, I had an instant connection. She was in the bassinet (it was an emergency c-section) and the lay there, eyes shut, fingers touching her face. She was beautiful.
I actually bonded with her before my wife could – they had to put her into intensive care in another hospital; I came by the next day and held her. She kept looking at my face as though she knew my voice.
She didn’t get back to my wife for another couple of days.
Male. Instant connection with my daughter. I held her when she was 10 seconds old and we bonded under the warming light as she squeezed my finger and, in her own way with her loud voice and pleading eyes, asked me to tell her everything was going to be alright. I did, over and over again, and still enjoy doing so every chance I get now some 8 years later.
Female. My first feelings after giving birth were honestly mostly about me. I was tired, drained, and not so thrilled about it all When I first held her, a minute or two later, then nursed her, I mostly felt awe. Then, as I was just holding her, me looking at her, her looking at me, in the midst of all the voices (doctors, nurses, etc)., my husband made a comment to my friend, and instantly the baby struggled to turn her head, to find out “where is that voice I’ve heard so many times”. I called my dh over to talk to her more, and I just melted.
Me too, except that I have only the one kid so far. I had an easy pregnancy and an insanely easy delivery, and I was just so glad to finally meet this little person.
When I first saw Eldest immediately after he was born I said “Oh, there you are”. It was a moment of recognition of a bond which preceded his birth. Later, I thought this was a sort of stupid thing to say/feel.
When I saw Youngest some hours after he was born (emergency c) I bluted out “Oh, there you are”. Exactly the same. Though with Youngest I had several episodes of thinking I was still pregnant while he was lying in the other room asleep, which disturbed me at the time. Now in retrospect I chalk that up to the pain meds.
My deliveries were, I am told, relatively unpleasant but I don’t remember the unpleasant parts of either one with any clarity.
Female. The only babies I ever really liked much were my own. I don’t dislike babies but I don’t feel any major squee when I see one or anything.
Did you have an instant connection with your child? I did, especially for the first. My wife and I used natural childbirth and my daughter never left my sight and I helped clean her up and she fell asleep on me once she was bundled up. The connection was made very strongly. My son was nearly as fast a connection but he was a little early and so I was a little less involved.
Are you male or female? Male
Do you generally like babies? I was not a huge fan before I had my own. I like kids but I was not fond of babies. Now I like seeing the little ones. They have somehow become cuter.
When I first held her, a minute or two later, then nursed her, I mostly felt awe. Then, as I was just holding her, me looking at her, her looking at me, in the midst of all the voices (doctors, nurses, etc)., my husband made a comment to my friend, and instantly the baby struggled to turn her head, to find out “where is that voice I’ve heard so many times”. I called my dh over to talk to her more, and I just melted.