What you just described wasn’t obvious. I really admire you for doing the work that you did to get through it.
I was hit quite frequently when I was a young child. When I was about 10 my parents spanked me rather seriously for stealing and lying. A couple of weeks later it was accidentally discovered that I was indeed not lying and it was my little brother who had stolen my mother’s cigarettes. That seemed to be the turning point for them and they rarely hit me afterwards. My brother has a very different recollection of his childhood since he was still fairly young when my parents saw the light.
My kids are in their 20’s now and other than a couple of smacks through a well padded butt specifically when they were putting themselves at risk they were never hit, spanked or beaten. I never found a lack of options for punishments and the personal ban on physical punishment made me more aware of when I was punishing them as a teaching tool and when I was just punishing out of anger. I think that being aware of that made me a better parent.
I just have to say that I think there is a huge world of difference between a lifetime of constant belittlement, humiliation, degradation, and inconsistent hypocrisy (sometimes enforcing the rules, sometimes not, and never following the rules themselves) and getting a swat on the ass with an open hand a couple of times. The former I’d classify as abuse. The latter I would not.
Ah. Then yes, I was spanked (not often), mostly with an open hand, rarely with a hairbrush or belt. My parents always took the time either before or after to explain why (once I got old enough to understand), and while I did my share of normal childhood and teenage hijinks, I think I’ve turned out quite well, all things considered.
I was hit more in my younger years. When I got old enough to outrun it, I did.
Did I turn out ok? Well I was never a juvenile delinquent, I’ve never been arrested, indicted, or spent time in jail. I’ve never done anything more illegal than smoking questionable substances, littering, jaywalking, illegal downloading, and speeding. I’m a functional, sufficiently-productive American consumer.
I wouldn’t consider myself well-adjusted, though. I’m not sure if that’s a result of being physically punished–I was emotionally abused more than I was spanked or smacked. I was punished inconsistently in general, and during my formative childhood years I witnessed my mom letting my dad kick the shit out of her, over and over again. Because of that, I have a lot of trouble with trust and maintaining relationships, and an instinctive need to rebel against parental or authority figures. I’m afraid to have kids because I worry that I’ll fuck them up the way I was fucked up.
Sorry I can’t answer the question more succinctly; as with most people, it’s complicated.
I said I was hit rarely, but I have a bad memory in general and I also have a memory of telling my 8th grade guidance counselor asking me what I would change about my family if I could and I said I wished my parents (really my dad) didn’t use corporal punishment, so I don’t really know how often it was. He hit us on the bottom and thighs with his shoe when he was upset with us, and my mother says (I have no memory of this) that he slapped me in the face in public once.
I turned out all right, in that I’m a productive member of society and have never hit anyone myself in my life, but I didn’t have a good relationship with my father as a child – I didn’t really have a relationship at all with him then; he only spoke to me to tell me what to do and to punish me when I didn’t do it. The corporal punishment was only one dimension of that lack of connection. That has left its mark on me, for sure, particularly in the way I relate to men and to authority figures, but I can’t separate the effect of the hitting from the rest of it.
I haven’t turned out so well, but I wouldn’t say “badly” and how I turned out were more due to other reasons I don’t care to go into here.
My mother spanked me occasionally when I very young, but my grandfather tended to push, smack and kick me when he was in a foul mood. It was always over some minor infraction. One day I shut the car door too hard and he slapped and beat me all the way into the house. Another time he thought I’d been on the phone too long (I hadn’t been, and I was just on the phone with my mom at work so it would have had to been a brief call) so he kicked me repeatedly. I didn’t go to his house after that for several years.
I wasn’t beaten or spanked with any sort of regularity, but it was more than rare.
I spanked my oldest a few times. I don’t spank her sister and don’t plan to.
I wonder if this thread is in relation to that video that’s come out about the judge beating his teen daughter. I just saw it about an hour ago and cried. It reminded me of some of the beatings I took from my grandfather, but much,much worse. What got me was after, when the parents stood there in front of her and talked to each other about how THEY failed and THEY shouldn’t have allowed her to have a computer because she was immature. In other words, they beat her for their own parenting mistakes. And after they came to that realization, the father beat her some more, and told her she didn’t deserve to live in his house. What a sick, sick man. Sadly the place I read about it has several people justifying the beating. There is no justification in my mind.
My dad would hit me for just about any reason, including when he had a crappy day at work. He taught me that standing up for myself was useless and would only make things worse. He taught me that good actions were no guarantee of reward, & that bad actions would bring on the pain. (same for contradicting him when he accused me of doing something I didn’t do.) Result: Cowardly, lying doormat with co-dependence issues. Lots of therapy & I still struggle with issues of trust. I never hit my kids and I rarely even yell, but I still scare them when I get angry. Nobody likes me when I’m angry.
Absolutely agree. There’s also a huge difference between Mom losing her shit once or twice (like CrazyCatLady’s) and Mom losing her shit every other day. Personally, though, I don’t expect that I will ever be able to implement even mild physical discipline in my own household. This is when it becomes advantageous to have a child behavioral therapist for a husband.
All of us got spanked no matter whose fault it was. That resulted in us turning out behaviorally well, ie, as individuals, but we don’t have very close lovable sibling relationship at all; we don’t know how to do that. It’s not like we hate each other but we don’t hang out, talk much or have much of relationship. When we do see each other at family gatherings we don’t do much of any greeting rituals but we do smile and say, “hey” to each other though and that’s how we essentially communicate.
People mistakenly think we are having some type of family feud. My mother regrets the rational she employed: if all of us got spanked we would learn to manage ourselves to keep quiet and stay out of trouble. It worked too well; We stayed away from each other and we still do.
A few times when I was little, but not enough to hurt: it was mostly to startle me. They stopped by the time I got into kindergarten.
I chose the option “often and turned out rather badly”, because without a couple of lucky strikes (bad pun) and therapy, I would’ve offed myself due to childhood issues, substantially stemming from repeated, severe physical punishment from fractions I rarely understood. Like calling my sister “a homo” at age four and entering a world of pain. I’m quite OK now, but was a mess until my mid-twenties.
To those who’ve asked: Yes, this is in response to the video of the Texas judge.
I’ve seen a few posters, here and elsewhere, arguing that limited use of force against children isn’t a problem, but that what the judge did was wrong. I’ve seen a smaller set of poster argue that what the judge did was either not wrong, or wrong but understandable. (No cites - I don’t care to feed the Pit this afternoon.)
For myself - my parents never struck me, instead opting for nonviolent punishments exclusively. I think I turned out quite well; I’m a lawyer with a stable job, good friends, and so on. I wouldn’t call my life perfect by any stretch, but I’m clearly a high-functioning adult.
I was spanked occasionally, but I was the “good” kid in the family. Made the best grades, didn’t get into trouble. My sister was spanked far more often. My brother was beaten to the point of abuse.
My sister is estranged from the family and refuses to acknowledge anything that isn’t sunshine and rainbows. She can’t hold down a real job and is a 16 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. My brother has been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and meth use. He didn’t move out of my mother’s house until he was 31, when she basically kicked him out after I found his scraper baggies and explained to her what that could mean for her.
I have typical perfectionist issues, major body image issues, and have been in a couple of abusive relationships, but turned out best of the three of us. I have an excellent, well paying job that I love. I’ve been supporting myself since I was 17. I’m in a great relationship now with my high school sweetheart. And I’ve accepted that it’s ok that my dad was an asshole and now he’s dead. I don’t have to idolize him because he died. My mom wasn’t perfect, and was victimized by my dad, too.
I’d like to see my brother and sister grow up and get better, but until they do, they’re out of my life. I have a son. It’s one thing to let them hurt me, but another for them to hurt him.
Don’t know how much of that is related to how bad we each got hit, but… I’m sure it has a little to do with it, anyway.
Oh yeah, how did I turn out? Well, parents say to raise a kid properly the kid really has to have fear of their parents. I guess parents know best, but I don’t think fear is the best way. Fear kills love, it’s like a slow poison. Anyway, I stopped loving my parents long ago, though the beatings were only the smallest part of it.
The cautionary message is clear: if you don’t smack your kid, s/he’ll become … a lawyer! :eek:
I, too, was not phyisically disciplined let alone beaten, and I’m also, alas, a lawyer 
I was spanked and I turned out okay.
My brother was beaten and abused. He hasn’t done so well.
Of course I got my butt whipped. Deserved it too. Mom & Dad never got carried away. It was usually 3 or 4 pops with a belt. Got my ass whipped at school a few times too.
It certainly was nothing like that judge’s video.
I treat people with respect. Say yes ma’am and Yes sir to strangers and I don’t cheat or steal. I think my parents raised me right.
I can still hear the jingle of dad’s belt. I didn’t get swatted or spanked more than a handful of times, but the threat of it was sufficient to put me in a conforming frame of mind. My mom rarely hit. She’d scream, yell, cajole, and cry. And then she’d sulk and seethe, sometimes for days on end.
Give me the belt any day over the silent treatment!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Corporal punishment only works well if the parents have laid the proper groundwork. My parents, especially my father, was 50 times more loving and affectionate than he was a disciplinarian. They never were out to injure me but rather to shock me out of my bad behavior. I never believed that I wasn’t loved, even when I was being punished. And I never held a grudge or felt that I was treated unfairly.
My brother and I were never hit. No spanking, no hitting with objects, no grabbing or shaking or throwing or anything like that. My parents never once touched us in anger. They used lectures and withholding privileges.
I turned out fine. My brother has been more of a mixed bag, but he has some serious issues with depression and I can’t imagine that being spanked as a child would have changed that. He’s kind of immature and has poor coping skills.