I don’t have children, but it’s possible I will someday.
I would like to try to raise them without using any kind of physical punishment, but I’ve been told by parents that this is an unreasonable ideal, and spanking is a necessary evil – a kind of nuclear option for when all else fails.
I don’t really believe them, but I’ve never raised kids. I can’t help but wonder if I will abandon my idealism once I actually have to deal with the little monsters, and discover that timeouts just don’t cut it.
No, you shouldn’t. As a warning against serious physical danger when they’re too young to reason with - maybe. But as a punishment or to express your frustration? Never.
I have one kid. He’s 13 now. I hit him twice. Once when he was still car-seat size and was fighting being strapped in. I delivered a sharp smack in response to his. Once when he was about 5, because he refused to put his pants on when I was trying to get him ready for day care and didn’t want to be late for work. I gave his bottom one or two whacks.
Both times were a response borne out of anger and frustration. I’m ashamed that I reacted that way. My son remembers the latter incident and has reminded me of it.
I can’t imagine making a cold, rational decision to hit my kid. If you substituted the word “hit” or “strike” or “beat” for “spank,” would it affect the way you feel? Spanking is not an inevitable option. I’m happy to say my son hasn’t held past incidents against me and has turned out to be a pretty great kid.
Bullshit. Providing boundaries and guidelines is your job as a parent. The odd smack on the ass to confirm who’s the boss is completely acceptable. You are the parent.
Do not abuse them: let them know who is in control.
After the age of, say… 5 or 6 physical punishment of any kind is not acceptable. But in the early years I think it is entirely acceptable and necessary.
I have given some swats to the bottom, and thighs. I never liked having to do it, and it was always given after I decided it was necessary…never out of rage.
But, something always felt not quite right about it. I don’t know what. My mom spanked me, and I never doubted her love for me in the least, and I never felt abused or anything like that. And that was with full knowledge that she did indeed spank me out of anger sometimes! I was a quite the little challenge sometimes, though.
My daughter turned into the kind of kid that can be reasoned with quite nicely so that I hardly have to correct her all that much in a hard way. I certainly don’t have to resort to spankings at all anymore, but there are sometimes that I think, “Dammit, I bet if I spanked that bottom, she wouldn’t do that again!”. Still. I don’t do it anymore. Something tells me not to. (something inside, but also my husband who never really liked the idea, and never did it himself)
I guess we all gotta follow our hearts in these matters.
As an aside, I wonder how many ‘non spanking’ parents resort to ‘jacking up’. That is something I began to resort to quite a bit as I got further and further away from being able to bring myself to spank. I would get really upset and grab her shirt and twist it up and bring her inches from my face and speak to her very sternly. I think I was actually trying to give her the impression that a spanking was imminent.
I don’t see that it is much better than a swat to the bottom. I wonder if a lot of parents that think they are not giving corporal punishment just because they don’t spank are still ‘jacking up’ those kids.
Everyone tends to say “My parents did X with me and I turned out fine!”, or else “I did X with my kids and they turned out fine!” The truth (as I see it) is kids are pretty resilient, and as long as you love them, keep them safe, and do your best to encourage positive traits, (like generosity, kindness, responsibility, etc.) then they’ll probably turn out fine whether you occasionally spank them or not.(*) Of course, the fact that at least some parents never spank their kids (and still have their kids turn out fine, IMO) suggests that it is possible to find alternatives to physical discipline.
That said, it seems the prevailing opinion of those who’ve actually tried to research the effects of spanking are that while it is generally effective in producing immediate compliance in the child, kids who are spanked tend to show more of certain negative traits in the long term, such as aggression and guilt issues. (It’s not a binary “spanked or not” thing – it seems the more often or more harshly you spank your kids, the greater this sort of negative effect.) Here’s some info on the subject, and you can probably find more by googling the names of the researchers listed therein.
(*) Of course, I’m not talking about severe physical abuse here. But I know that my wife (a social worker who works with abused kids) has expressed the opinion that parental neglect and indifference can actually be even worse for a child’s long-term emotional well being than physical abuse. Which is not to minimize the very serious consequences of physical abuse.
Hitting or spanking is not a necessary evil, it is quite possible to raise well behaved, happy, healthy kiddos without having to spank. I have a no spanking rule with the foster parents that I work with, and they have been successful with the challenging population of kids who have been removed from thier bio homes.
I smack my girlfriend on the ass so much (and sometimes she does to me as well) that I’ve come to associate it with a sexual act. I’d feel so weird and wrong doing that to any future kid I/we might have for this reason more than anything.
The absolute certainty (in your kids’ minds) that certain acts will bring a spanking, guarantees that you won’t be doing it much. As other posters have said; It shouldn’t be done in anger. Any punishment is more effective when the kiddo thinks you’re not too concerned about it.
If I may throw in a bit more on this subject: Whatever punishment you decide to use, it should fit the crime… not the result of the crime. IMO, too many parents react to the product of the kid’s misbehavior; not the misbehavior itself. If a 10 minute timeout is the accepted punishment or throwing a ball in the house, that should be the result even if the ball shatters the front window, rather than bouncing harmlessly off the wall.
Never out of anger? When then? After the event that triggers the response? After a cold calculating decision? Once the event is over, to hit a child then seems to make less sense than anything. Once reason has returned you can always come up with an alternative punishment.
I am against all hitting of children and I have raised three to adulthood. They don’t hit their children either, so it can be done.
This. You swat a toddler to keep them away from the stove, because they’re not capable of *abstractly *understanding that the stove can hurt them. You have to *concretely *associate the stove in their mind with unpleasantness, and better a swat to the bottom than a burn.
I’ve never had a strict “no spanking” rule in mind, I never ruled it out as an option, but I’ve also never felt the need to spank my daughter. There’s always a more creative, more effective way to teach whatever lesson needs to be learned.
Agreed. Spanking is a viable form of punishment, but it should be a last resort, not a first resort. And it should also be administered as a direct result of the child’s actions. The child should be told if you do this particular thing, you will earn a spanking. When the spanking is administered, it should be reinforced - you were told if you did this particular thing, you would earn a spanking. You did it and you have earned a spanking.
It also really, really depends on the kid, and isn’t something I would take a hard and fast position on until I’d gotten to know my child: kids respond differently to different things. Some kids find any threat of violence unbearably tramatic: others seem to need some sort of abrupt physical stimulus (like a swat) before they can focus on what they are being told and realize it’s really important. In the same way, for some kids a time out gives them a chance to refocus and reflect and breaks a pattern of behavior: for others, it just makes them feel angry and gives them time to stew. For still others, it makes them feel rejected and unloved.
People need to raise the kids they have, not the Platonic idea of kids.
We’ve done the spanking debate to death, so I’ll address the OP from a broader stance of advice re: parenting:
Never say never. About anything.
First of all, you don’t know what will work for you and your child until you try and discard a dozen other options you were sure would work. It’s a lot quicker and less ultimately damaging to your authority as a parent if you aren’t overly investing in being Right, but are rather more interested in being Effective.
Second of all, the universe/God/hubris/Satan has a way of arranging things so that the one thing you thought you would never do ends up being the thing you have to do, the thing that works, and you have to face the consequences of that. For me, it was bribing my child into toilet training. I HATE the notion of artificial rewards for toilet training, and I’m sure there’s a few threads here where I rant against it and point out all the reasons why I’ll never EVER bribe my kid to poop on the toilet.
Guess what? I bribe my kid to poop on the toilet. *Nothing else worked. *
So educating yourself before you become a parent is a good thing. Listen, read, think, decide what your first tier of theories and techniques will be, and prepared to throw them all out the window by the third day you have the infant home.
Sometimes it’s necessary. The prime example, as others have said, is a very young child about to touch something hot. Smack the hand, hard enough to sting, immediately. At the same time, say “No! Hot!” very firmly and decisively.
Beyond this type of situation, I see little or no need for the punishment spankings. What’s more important is that misbehavior has **consistent **negative consequences of some kind.
My kids are 6 and 9 - neither of us has ever spanked them. They are very well disciplined, but it’s all from us explaining and enforcing the rules consistently.
That’s not to say we’ve never been angry with them or around them; it’s just that we’ve never expressed that anger physically.
Personal opinion here - I think it’s important that they know that Mummy and Daddy would never hurt them deliberately. I would advise against ever hitting your kids, for that reason alone.
I have 2 kids and I have never spanked or hit either of them and they are absolute angels (no kidding). I think I would lose all respect for myself if I physically assaulted one of my children for any reason. I think it sets a terrible example and shows a complete lack of respect. I realize this is a controversial topic and I do understand that people can be good parents and still resort to corporal punishment, but I personally think it is unneccessary and wrong.