The absolutely worst thing about my mother’s “punishments” was that everything was my fault. EVERYTHING! My sister fell downstairs. “It’s your fault. Why weren’t you watching her?” I once got beaten because my sister lost a 20 dollar bill while she was alone on the street (I know you stole it before she left).
Back then, hitting your kid was not seen as such a big deal. I was always bruised as a child, but my teachers did nothing about it.
I put often and that I turned out quite badly, but I need to explain: I grew up in a violent house. The beating that the judge in Texas dished out that is currently on You Tube would not be out of place in my house. I was a mess in high school, got out of that house when I was 18 and by my late 20s, I was living a life that I like, but step one was to get the hell away from the crazy.
I was born and raised in India. My father was a physically and verbally abusive man. I did get hit quite a bit but the emotional/verbal abuse affected me and my self esteem much more. When I was 16 I asked him to stop physically abusing me and I threatened to call the police if he continued (I doubt law enforcement would have done anything). He did stop hitting me but the emotional abuse continued. I am 32 now and I decided to stop talking to him or have any contact with him around 4 years ago. It was easier since he lives in India and I live in the US. I don’t have any specific plans about reconnecting with him at the moment or have conversations that involve “forgiveness”. Part of me will always dislike him for what he did to me.
I was fucked up and fucked off for a year or two during my teenage years, mostly because of the situation at home and my father. I failed a few college courses and had to re-take exams…hung out with the drug abusing crowd, but never got into drugs myself. Nothing too bad really. But I also remember being attracted to men who were assholes like my father at that age. I saw a therapist for three years and that helped a lot. Looking at my life now, I think I turned out ok. I have doctoral degree in clinical psychology, a stable job, married to a good man who thinks the world of me, and baby #2 on the way…
I’m not sure how to vote. It was pretty common before I was 10, being the punishment I got if being told what to do before I was born. After that, it basically dropped off, as it became clear that it was no longer effective.
And then can I really determine whether I turned out well? I’m extremely ethical, that’s for sure. I never partied, never got into legal trouble, avoided illicit substances, never had unprotected sex, etc. Heck, I never even hated my parents. All of these things are what are typically evaluated when determining if a discipline method worked.
But I can’t really say I’m a productive citizen. I just don’t think it had anything to do with how I was parented.
----slight hijack warning —
Annie-Xmas-
You reminded me of a crazy “everything is your fault” story involving my brother and this hyper agressive lop eared rabbit we had when I was 15 or so and my brother was 2. This obnoxious beast (the rabbit, not my brother) used to tear around the backyard, nipping people’s ankles or peeing on them. No lie- I never knew rabbits could be so mean until this refuge from a Monty Python movie came into our lives. My dad was working in the garage where the rabbit was kept, and for some reason, he let it out into the yard. Meanwhile, my brother was sitting on our gated back porch. My dad warned me, don’t let my brother out into the yard because the rabbit might hurt him.
No shit, dad.* I’m *not the insane, rage filled, sadist in this family.
Anyway, he calls me to help him with his project in the garage and I join him there. One of my other brothers exits the back porch, leaving the gate unlocked, and the 2 year old goes out into the yard after him. The next thing I know, he’s crying, having been nipped on the ankle while I was in the garage with my dad. Somehow this was my fault, and I got slapped around the yard for several minutes until the next door neighboor stuck his head out his window. (Thanks Mr. Cosme!) All the time my dad is saying " I told you not to let him into the yard!"
Fun times.
-----End of hijack-----
Og as my witness, I will never understand this level of cognitive dissonance in abusive parents.
Dude, we’ve had something in the area of one trillion spanking threads here, and there are no shortage of folks in these parts who think spanking of any kind is physical abuse.
Yeah, mine is just a user name, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how I am or with being spanked. But maybe your apparent lack of discipline means your parents should have whacked you a little more? Hmm?
Here goes an emoticon so that no one gets their feelings hurt.
Aha! You’re not so mean after all! What other lies have you sold us?