So the big premiere for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel this year was a show called “Submarine: Shark of Darkness”. It’s supposedly a documentary investigating the possible existence of a giant, 35 foot long Great White shark that’s supposedly been hunting off the coast of South Africa for the last 30+ years.
So I recorded it and started watching on DVR. First thing out of the gate was the disclaimer at the beginning: “Events have been dramatized.” Wait, what?
Then they begin discussing the events of the fateful day a whale watching ship hit rocks off Geyser Island off the coast of South Africa. The boat began to sink, as the tourists and crew were forced into shark infested waters in the corridor known as “Shark alley”, where great whites are known to prey on seals. And they have dramatic cell phone footage of people in the water, screaming for help, while sharks are circling and their fins are cutting through the water.
Wait a minute, I know that video is pretty crappy, but those sharks look off.
Then they start doing “post accident interviews” with survivors on videotape. And I get this sinking feeling that the survivors and interviews are all wrong. Like the lady all happy and excited talking about the early part of getting on the boat. Um, this is after watching people horrifically eaten by sharks?
And they start interspersing this story with references to the tale of a giant 36 foot long shark living in the area for the past 40 years, and showing newpaper clippings and interviewing witnesses to giant great white attacks over the years.
The shark was nicknamed Submarine because it was seen on radar and mistaken for a submarine, being so large.
Then they start discussing how the shark is smarter than normal great whites, and how it preys on humans, and how it has developed new sneaky techniques. And it shows shark experts talking about it, and its new strategy is to hang motionless in a vertical position and then spring into action.
Hold on! This is a shark, a great white. They can’t hang motionless, they will die. WTF?
At this point, I had to do some googling.
Shark of Darkness: Wrath of Submarine is a fake documentary
It gets worse.
Ugh, now Discovery Channel is actively promoting an urban legend to stir up ratings, regardless of the impact on attitudes about sharks. Kinda skewers their ongoing theme of promoting shark awareness and the repeated calls by actual shark experts about the reckless and senseless slaughter of sharks.
This is on the heels of last year’s Shark Week extravaganza, claiming that a Megalodon is alive and well.
So, I think I have an idea for Discovery Channel’s newest show for Shark Week: “I Was Eaten By a Shark”.
It will tell the harrowing tale of people who were attacked and eaten by vicious sharks, complete with video of sharks gnashing and spewing blood everywhere. It will be great.
“So it will be like I Shouldn’t Be Alive - survivor’s tales?”
No, stupid, we don’t want survivors, we want people eaten by sharks.
“But then who will tell these stories?”
We’ll have to use actors, but audiences don’t care, they just want to hear about people eaten by sharks. Vicious sharks.
“Um, okay, but doesn’t that kinda go against our supposed theme of shark conservancy and education?”
Shark conservancy? Who cares about that, certainly our viewers don’t. They just want stories about people eaten by sharks. See, just like the show “Great White Serial Killer” about two shark attacks off the coast of California 2 years apart, and how a great white might be stalking that shore like a serial killer.
And at the end of every episode, we can feed a person to sharks! It will be great! Actual person eaten by sharks, live on camera. And then people will post “oh, that’s so fake, look at that CGI”, and we can say “Oh no, it’s real, take that Bitches! Booya!”
“We can’t do that!”
“Sure we can, just get some stoner surfers and tell them how it’s the high of a lifetime, the adreneline rush. All that screaming, that’s the screams of excitement. Try it!”
I Was Eaten By A Shark - Next, on Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. DON’T MISS IT!