Thanks villa, that was extremely helpful and relevant to this conversation. Tell me again, and use small words please - what I said that was incorrect?
In my case “joint custody” is 50/50. I still pay my ex child support because I work and she doesn’t. Her current husband’s income has no bearing.
Mentioning her husband’s income was utterly irrelevant.
Did she used to work? If she was a stay at home mother ‘raising the kids’ then you are lucky all you pay is child support. Most states allow for also paying a form of Alimony, or spousal support.
Spousal support is never paid when the other person remarries.
That isn’t necessarily true. If the conditions of the divorce are such that someone is paying a certain amount (to the spouse) spread over the life of the child
I know a lot of involved, loving, and positive Fathers, and I have great respect for every one of them. But I can’t think of a single family in which the Father does as much as the Mother in terms of actual work caring for the child. Even in cases of the Mother making more money than the Father, and working longer hours, she is still the default in charge of making sure the child has clean clothes for school on Monday and nutritious food, and she is the one who knows all the medical history and makes the majority of doctor visits.
Years ago I knew a stay-at-home Dad, but even then his wife did all the shopping and the clothes prep, and he would have been lost without her guidance on what was appropriate and necessary.
It’s wrong, and in cases where it’s not true, the court should acknowedge the fact. I’m quite certain that the majority of courts would gladly agree if the Fatehr could honestly state that he was the primary caregiver. The Fathers just almost never* are. I’d even like to see the courts demand that the Fathers step up after divorce and provide excellent care for their children half-time.
*Let’s not get into a whole thing about this, I’m acknowledging the possibility of exceptions. Btu if you are one, I bet you can’t deny that you are an exception.
Or even better for younger folks who think they are ‘above’ these things…
What if you are female and you find out that a guy you have some interest in is an elementary teacher?
Interest goes wayyyyy down. Even as they exclaim to the contrary that it’s not because he is an elementary teacher… {this happened recently to a coworker at work who still takes some crap from other coworkers about this because she was always claiming to be so high and mighty ‘progressive’ for years before this…and still does}
Then that’s child support, not spousal support. Once an ex spouse is remarried, they have someone else to take care of them. If you were required to pay spousal support after your ex remarried, you should ask for a refund from your divorce attorney. No judge is going to require spousal support after an ex is remarried.
It isn’t me but I hear you. It is just so the conditions of the divorce were laid out over the ‘life’ of the child in terms on monetary support the Mother would receive. It was based on how much money she was entitled to so it isn’t child support in this case. Just that the monies owed is paid out over 10 years (which just so happens to be when the child turns 18)
Each case can be unique, as most divorces are negotiated settlements. But standard practice is:
50/50 split of all marital assets.
Spousal support for the under earning spouse for a limited time or until the spouse remarries.
Child support for the minor children to the under earning spouse (dependent upon custody) until the children reach majority.
Each state has different unique rules that will mean adjustments to the aforementioned standards, but generally that’s how MOST divorces are financially settled.
Again, if your “friend” agreed to pay spousal support to the ex even after she remarried, then he got BAD advice from the attorney.
It sound more like he is buying out a shared asset over time.
Which is unique and not generally part of a divorce proceeding.
Right. Male high school teachers are normative, male kindergarten teachers are not. The movie Kindergarten Cop would not have been funny if the female cop had been well enough to go undercover. Men who go into early childhood education tend to be pushed into administration or older grades rather than barred, but the effect is similar.
Gender norms create so many interlocking pressures that it is hard to break free. Men are cut less slack at work and under more social pressure to put career before family. Women can feel threatened and territorial if the father takes more responsibility. Men can feel excluded and marginalized.
We are making progress. It can be annoying when strangers assume I am doing my wife a favor when I am out with the kids by myself, but at least the response is usually positive.
Not how it used to be–how it is. Right now. Today. At this very moment. Unless perhaps you think the Facebook “It’s not ‘babysitting’” memes are somehow relics of the Bad Old Days.
I don’t know what that means?
I think that CCL is referring to men on Facebook referring to taking care of their own kids as babysitting and responses to that. This seems to be due to the gender norm of women as child nurture/man as bread winner being in a state of flux. Women are now much more accepted as financial contributors, but men have not yet been fully accepted on the household/childcare front. She seems to be saying that this is why the mother is the default physical guardian.
I don’t know if she accepts that it has changed slightly, but the attitude that she seems to be expressing is part of the problem. As long as men have the option of ducking out on child care and household chores, and women treat any contributions from husbands as a favor then the status will stay qua on this. It took about a year of constant reminders for my mother in law to accept that I have the same level of responsibility for my children as my wife and that I was at least as competent at child rearing. I had a lot of knowledge and experience coming into parenthood, so I had no problem standing up to people hinting that maybe I should go get my wife or are you sure you couldn’t use some help with that. Most new parents (of both sexes) come in pretty clueless. If everyone shunts you aside and treats you like you are incapable it can be easier to just let them.*
*This is certainly true of more than just childcare, and I can be as guilty as anyone. These days my wife no longer tries to fix her own computer and I rarely try to pick out clothes for the kids, both because we know the other will come along behind us to do it the “right” way later.
Gender societal ‘norms’ aside, the parental rights should at the very minimum be defaulted to 50-50. Especially NOW. I can see and understand the reluctance to do so but judges are supposed to be impartial. This could be construed as sexism by a number of folks (me included)
Every Thursday and every other weekend isn’t 50-50
No, they should be defaulted to the best interests of the child. Which I accept isn’t the norm at the moment, but this isn’t about the rights of parents; it’s about the children.
I was unaware the best interests of the child had a default status?