Divorcing Yourself from Toxic Parents

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m answering here with a great trepidation, but feel it is pertinent to the OP, perhaps as a future reference. As said by my previous post, my relationship with my Mom is pretty much mute. The tenor of my mind is to make amends, even if it costs me. I know it will cost me a lot. Does anyone have a clue how to try to initiate a decent dialogue with an abusive parent???

I trhink this goes along with Lupin’s “not ready to forgive” his parents—I well understand that. I’m at the point I want to try, And It’s gonna be me who tries, not Mom.

Any help?

42

elelle, foremost, I’d recommend that you directly mention how you are attempting to resolve unsatisfactory issues that remain between you two. You needn’t be in-your-face confrontational about it, but I strongly suggest that you be rather direct, even to the point of being blunt.

Both of my own parents used to blithely ignore any problems and pretend as if there was nothing wrong, even when there most certainly was. There are few better ways of pissing someone off who is try to resolve matters than to pretend that they do not exist.

Be honest with your Mum, but let her know rather explicitly that you are contacting her for a reason and not just to shoot the breeze. I’ll leave it up to you just how assertive you should be about it.

Mith, since most Buddhism regards mortal existence as some form of “sorrow.” Perhaps we can just call toxic parents “sorry-@ss” specimens of humanity.

43

elelle… I sat down and wrote a very long letter to my mother detailing the ‘highlights’ of the abuse and my disappointment in her compliance/ignorance of all that happened. I felt this was appropriate because I could organize my thoughts and present them in the most non confrontational way possible. The letter also allowed me to say everything I wanted without interruption and without her changing the subject on me. I told her what the letter was and that the next move was hers. She called me later and wanted to ‘talk.’ Unfortunately she wanted to talk about her and how she hurt and she brushed most of my feelings under the table. I’ve simplified things in this post but I think you get the picture. Our relationship is cordial at best and complicated. I really am trying to work with her but she makes it extremely difficult and some day I will probably pull the plug on her too.

Good luck with whatever you try to do but be prepared for your mother not to react well to being confronted… especially if she is the abuser. I confronted my father in person. It was not pleasant. He also turned things into being all about him ‘you shouldn’t say these things to me as it hurts me to listen to you talk about these things’ Um yeah ok … like it didn’t hurt me to be the recipient of all this abuse. Later I had a really good friend who is a Psychologist. From anecdotal evidence it appears my father is highly narcissistic and shows many of the traits of borderline personality disorder… there will be no epiphany for him where he realizes he is wrong. I can live with that as long as he never tries to contact me ever.

Be honest. Be as polite as you can. Hold your ground and don’t slip back into the mother/child dynamic with her. Be strong. And don’t be afraid to walk away. Just because these people are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart - that revelation of betrayal hurt the most for me.

44

Something not mentioned here, that I saw, is grief.

It is important to grieve not getting the parents you should have had, could have had, deserved. Not perfect parents, but normal, sane, loving ones.

Grieve the loss of what you could have had. Having done this for the grandfather I should have had, it makes everything else much easier.

And remember, even if you do not ‘find’ the parents you want (and usually they will find YOU if you need them, not the other way around), you can satisfy that role by being that for someone else, either your own child or someone else’s (tutoring, mentoring, etc.).

Try checking with a counselor about how to approach the re-connecting issue. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but it is good to have support while you do it.

45

I gotta second tanookie’s advice.

Be prepared for that “Stop, you’re hurting me” defense.

My mom’s defense has always been to blame everything on my dad and cry about how she couldn’t do anything about it.

Only I know better, because I saw her supporting him, aiding him and then adding her own heaping spoon full of abuse on the top of it. When I was a teenager, shortly after I had put a stop to the physical abuse, my mother would cap off her violently disrespectful behavior by screaming “I’m your MOTHER! You have to respect me!” No mom, I don’t.

46

i’m not quite sure i see why. it’s a descriptive term indicating what manner of parent they are.

would you get as bent out of shape if the label happened to be “loving”, “supportive”, “nuturing”, etc.?

i don’t pretend to know everything there is to know about Buddhism and its views on life, the world and everything, but i find it hard to believe that descriptive adjectives are totally out of line.

47

I’m sorry if I repeat anything posted earlier, but…

I also have had to divorce myself from a toxic parent (mom, dad died many many moons ago). She was a self-obsesed, bi-polar megelomaniac, who hated me because I wouldn’t be the mommas boy that my brothers are. Not to get into too much detail, but she once beat me with a bullwhip (for not tying my shoes after repeatedly having been told to), and she once kicked me out of the house on christmas day (when I was 16, with 2 feet of snow, because of something my older brother had alreay admitted to doing).

Anyway, it has been more than 3 years, and the last 3 years have been the happiest, most productive time in my life. I know what you mean about the void, and I feel for you. IMHO, I don’t think it can ever quite be filled. The feeling of disappointment and disgust with the way she (or in your case, they) treated you will never go away either. Screw forgive and forget, I say that you should ALWAYS remember what they have said/done to you, as a reminder of why you have seperated yourself from them. Fuck “Honor thy foather and they mother”, if they are really as bad as you say, then you are much better off w/o them.

I am not advocating dumping your parents everytime they do something you don’t like. For me it was only after 23 years of abuse, and only after she started draggin my wife into the battle.

I think about it often, and wonder wether I have made the right choice, but most often, I know that I have, and do not regret it.

48

I have grieved a lot too as hedra mentioned. I realized I simply was not given real parents. I was lucky I did not die in their care. I still have moments of pain over this but they are fleeting now and mostly come at times in my life when I need support most. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband to support me and his family has been very good to us.

And you do not have to respect parents simply because they are your parents. If they are abusing you then they are not respecting you or their position over you.

49

Thanks, all, for the good advice. I’ve been holding a lot in on this issue, and it helps greatly to see that others have been in the same hellish spot. I’m sad, too, to see that you all have had such pain. You have my greatest compassion.

Hedra hits the nail right on; I’m just coming out of the grief phase, and feel strong enough to attempt a reconciliation, even if it will be me doing the work. The grief was agonizing. It was as if Mom had died, but worse, because it laced with betrayal and abandonment. There is a lot of backstory, but suffice it to say that it was best to just cut the relationship off rather than go back to a crazymaking farce.

Interesting, tanookie, that in talking to a psychologist friend, his diagnosis for my mother was the same as that for your father.(Of course, that was from my description-- one-sided, but I was wrestling with trying to understand how someone could act that way.) It’s such a sad way to be, but it seems that a narcissist cannot comprehend of other people as anything outside themselves. It pains me to think of my mother as trapped in that box. She is a smart, talented woman. But that diagnostic shoe fits quite well. Your letter writing suggestion is a good one. I’ve tried to write that letter a few times, but have always been afraid to send it. I just don’t want to get beat up again. Your thoughts and experience have given me more strength. Thank you.

Some Buddhist-influenced thoughts: I have no problem with the label Toxic. It’s a modern term for poison. A better term might be Ignorance, and that is the root of mental poison in Buddhist terms, quite central to Buddha’s teachings. One doesn’t see the bigger picture in life, and how we are all interconnected, so one acts ignorantly of that basic fact. In the Mahayana tradition that I’ve learned most from, one antidote to that poison is compassion. That’s why I want to give my Mom another chance; whatever causes her to act abusively comes from a very painful place. Now, with my grandparents gone, I understand where she’s been most, and would like to help her out of that cycle. It will be painful, but it’s an act of compassion. She has hurt me deeply, and as I see now, in ways that are not acceptable. I hope that an olive branch extended by the person she has hurt most in a path of hurting many others will wake her up.Zenster, thanks for the encouragement of being strong and direct. That’s hard for me; I often fold in to another’s problems, and listen before asserting myself. Pretty obvious where that mode of being came from.

I hope this helps Lupin have a better view of his own situation. Best good wishes for him, and compassion from a heart that has broken in the same places.

50

I first cut off relations with my parents when I was 18. I did it again when I was 25. And again at 40. It is SO easy to go back, because there is such a deep craving for parental love, acceptance, approval. And there’s a desire to have a “normal family” even in the face clear evidence that it will not happen. The void can be huge.

So, after decades of it, how do I deal with the void? First, by admitting it’s there. No sense denying it. 100% real.

Second, by repeating homilies such as “Just because someone doesn’t love you all you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you all they can.” Basically, it was not, is not and never will be my fault.

Third, by making my life full and complete, with holidays and traditions, family and friends.

But most importantly, by having a partner in life who I can go to and say, “Honey, I really really need to be ‘little’ for a while and have you hold me and tell me everything is gonna be all right, because all this responsibility and being adult is just too much for me right now.” And I get held. And I can curl up with my teddy bear if I want to. And drink hot chocolate. And even though it’s kinda pretend, it’s soothing and refreshing. And the willingness to be vulnerable allows him to bring his insecurities to me.

And we muddle through.

{{{{lupin}}}}}

51

as_u_wish has hit on a point that I have pondered often. With no real parental role model, and with the lack of a basic feeling of being loved by a parent, it was extremely hard for me when I first became a parent. Has anyone else discovered this? I have three little ones, and I was a middle child (classic middle child syndrome to the extreme), when Natalie became the middle child after Samantha was born, I was afraid I was going to overcompensate when I tried to make sure we didn’t put her into that middle child category. This just made me realize how utterly unprepared I was for being a parent. With no father figure ever having been in my life, I was at an even worse loss, because I was basically figuring it all out on my own (well, not on my own, because I have a very loving wife). In a way, this was good, becasue I was able to be the father that I always wished I had had.

Have any of you considered how the lack of positive parental role models has handicapped your ability to be a parent?

52

I have largely separated from my parents, too. I maintain a thin line of communication between us, mostly to stay close to my extended family, who I greatly adore.

When I was young, my parents did the sort of things to me I could have had them arrested for, but by the time I was a teenager, my mother had settled into a steady stream of emotional abuse, and my father just withdrew. when I came out as gay, my home became dangerous, again, and I had to run away to protect myself. The danger was from my mother. I briefly considered going to my father about it, but he didn’t know my age, my birthday, the spelling of my name, or that I was going to university, although we had lived in the same household for 18 years.

I considered going to social services, but when I called them up, I didn’t have the guts to tell them all the things my parents had done. I quit university and ran away, winding up with my sister in another city who had run away five years earlier, when she was danger.

I avoid talking to them if I can help it, but I haven’t cut them from my life entirely. My father’s just a stranger. I can talk calmly with my mother on the phone, but seeing her gives me panic attacks. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to see her this August :frowning:

I’ve found friends as close to me or closer than any family. I’ve found a passion in my life, my writing, which we sustains me and makes me happy through any problem or crisis. I’ve filled notebooks analyzing my parents’ psychology, and figuring out how to avoid the mistakes they made. Still, I worry what kind of a parent I’ll be one day, because I would like to adopt.

The hardest thing I find know – in this maddeningly post-Oprah world, is all the people who insist that I have to “forgive and forget” and “become close to my parents.” How can you forgive and forget people who still haunt your nightmares? How can you become close to strangers you don’t like.

Except for when I’m confronted with one of these people, I’ve found a measure of happiness – it is possible – if you make your own family, and find a passion.

53

I was terrified that I would somehow screw up my kids and be a crappy parent Megadave…

I had to take a deep breath and trust myself to act with their best interests in mind and love in my heart. My little one is only two so I can’t say how successful I’ve been but I do know a lot of things I won’t do as her mommy!

I also have a wonderful hubby to support me and the munchkins so I am not alone in the parenting dilemma. I also realized that everyone is nervous about their parenting skills as this is new ground for all new parents - even the ones with positive parental role models.

54

Very good question–I am not personally in anywhere as bad a position as many of you who have already posted, but continually concern myself that I will somehow be like my father (e.g., controlling through intense fear–both my younger brother and sister are just emotionally developing to where they should be as young adults). But I have a model to reject (and fearfully ape in some ways). My father must harbor some hurt because there is not one family event in the last 4 years that he doesn’t drink too much. The maudlin weirdness is just too much–I have told my mother that our children just can’t see their grandfather that way. It is just wrong and really creepy at the same time.

But I am not saying he is a terrible person, and he has done as good as he can in some ways. But what to do without a model to pivot off of and move away from. Unteathered, in a way.

I honestly don’t know, but I do know that I find myself going in the opposite direction from what I think he would say/do. Consciously rejecting his example. Perhaps that is what we are all doing.

55

I always kinda liked Richard Bach’s quotation:

“Rarely do members of a family grow up under one roof.”

56

As a kid I ran away from an abusive family but always got caught.
Now that I am adult I refuse to run. I simply divorce myself from my toxic dysfunctional family. I have been divorced for almost 10 years from them. (I am 40) I can say I have never found anything to fill the void. The closest thing I have come to is choosing my friends and surrounding myself with caring people that can somehow proxy for what I am missing.

So the nuts and bolts is “I don’t think you will ever find a replacement”

Good luck to you

57

My situation was different, i.e., the reasons why I couldn’t deal with my parents aren’t the same as yours, but I “divorced” them as well. Ten years ago I wrote them letters telling them exactly why I thought it best we go our separate ways and asked them not to call me or try to visit me again. And I changed my telephone number. I’m also “divorced” from my sister, by the way.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any “void” when I “divorced” my family. Actually I felt better, like a huge load had been lifted from me. Think of it this way – why in hell should ANYBODY “miss” parents who don’t accept them the way they are, who constantly criticize them, who say they “love” them while denigrating all the characteristics about them which they think are lovable, and in whose eyes they’ll never be good enough no matter how hard they try to please them?

Honestly, there was nothing for me to miss, seeing as that I’m not a glutton for misery. The life I’d created for myself was enough to keep me plenty busy with better things.

58

My situation was different, i.e., the reasons why I couldn’t deal with my parents aren’t the same as yours, but I “divorced” them as well. Ten years ago I wrote them letters telling them exactly why I thought it best we go our separate ways and asked them not to call me or try to visit me again. And I changed my telephone number. I’m also “divorced” from my sister, by the way.

Anyway, I didn’t feel any “void” when I “divorced” my family. Actually I felt better, like a huge load had been lifted from me. Think of it this way – why in hell should ANYBODY “miss” parents who don’t accept them the way they are, who constantly criticize them, who say they “love” them while simultaneously denigrating all the characteristics about them which they think are lovable, and in whose eyes they’ll never be good enough no matter how hard they try to please them?

Honestly, there was nothing for me to miss, seeing as that I’m not a glutton for misery. The life I’d created for myself was enough to keep me plenty busy with better things.

59

it isn’t about missing the actual person(s). it is about missing out on having a “real” parent. or at the least a real parental relationship. not too speak for others or anything, but personally, i regret that i never had a parent around to teach me anything that a parent would generally teach (i.e., right from wrong, love, or even stupid things like how to cook or do laundry). instead of being treated like a child that was loved, i was treated more like an unwelcome house guest that you can’t wait to get rid of. one that it was ok to yell at or hit anytime you felt like letting off a little steam.

the void we have been talking about is that part of you that (at least some people) knows that whatever happens in life, you will always be loved by your parent(s).

60

Curiously, if you grew up without “real” parents in the sense you described (which would apply to me as well: growing up I got either no attention or negative attention at home), then how can you even know what it is you’re supposedly missing? For me, “divorcing” my family was simply a matter of extricating myself from a whole bunch of negativity. If you felt unloved and unwanted as a child (and under those circumstances, I wouldn’t blame you), then all you had was a WISH for loving, supportive parents (as I did when I was a child), but that’s all it was, a wish. That’s not the same thing as real knowledge and experience.