Don’t deal with them at all,move on with your life.
Don’t look for surrogate parent figures,really i don’t think thats helpful.
Don’t even let them dwell in your thoughts,they don’t matter.
I cut my Mother out of my life over ten years ago, as a teenager. The first year was the roughest, but after a while I got used to the new situation.
Then as I was about to graduate from college, I had a dream that my Mother died. The idea tortured me and I called her up. Immediately, she thought I was going to ask for money. I explained about the dream (but did not mention college). This whole conversation reminded me of why I made the right decision in the first place. (Many very unpleasant things were said with no provocation whatsoever.)
Lupin, you were brave enough to make your choice and follow through with it. The next part is hard, but it gets easier and the worst is now over.
*You have two families in life. The one you are born into and the one you choose for yourself. *
I must applaud you for your ability to make a break from something that you know is very bad for your own soul and personal developement. (Some families, I think, stopped growning along time ago and just regenerate more toxic mental baggage for each generation to turn sour. ) For every one of you there are twenty that just take the crap their family gives them over and over, because " It’s family." *Decent people do not shit on other people. *
Making your own path in life will be the hardest thing for them to get over. You, you will adapt just fine. The first few months and holidays will seem strange because of the lack of guilt and crap being thrown at you.* Live your life on your own terms and have no regrets.*
Finding surrogate parents is not something that you can actively do without seeming to be clingy and slightly creepy. (IMHO) Filling in the void of an adult role model just happens. Some times in the form of a permament friendship, short term ( college/work) or long term (neighbor).
I have found that some the best life’s advice I have ever received has come from conversations with complete strangers who literally give me the answer to whatever the problem/quandary I am in ( without bringing it up on my part) at the time. It has happened so many times to me in the past few years I’ve learned not to question it.
Whatever it is you are searching for you will not find in anywhere but inside yourself.
Good luck.
I have a nice family. Dysfunctional, neurotic, harmless,yet comical. Compared to what I’ve witnessed and heard about, I am surprised how I got so lucky. Yes, I did say that. But the secret of liking your family is limiting your time with them. Too much exposure to anything just isn’t good.
I’m sorry about your situation, Lupin. I’m fortunate in that even though I have had issues with my parents and have had to learn to distance myself from them in some ways, we are still able to have a loving relationship.
I can’t speak from experience about whether you should try to find some kind of surrogate to fill the void, but I can tell you that there are plenty of older people out there who have voids in their own lives that need filling. There are many ways to volunteer to spend time with seniors, in nursing homes, through home visitor programs like Little Brothers, and through community-based volunteer organizations. You might even want to contact gay senior resources to see if they have any volunteer opportunities. If you’re looking for a chance to spend time with an older, more experienced person who might be able to share some wisdom with you without getting caught up in family dynamics, consider volunteering. At the very least, you’ll be able to fill the void in someone else’s life. If you’re as lucky as I am, you’ll find someone who becomes family to you.
I haven’t spoken with anyone in my family since I was 16 and from your description I would say you are doing the the right thing. As far as filling the void, having lots of friends is the best way forward. Good luck. I’m sure in a few years you will take pride in yourself for having the strength to do this.
I’m sorry, but I do think some people are toxic. If a truck in front of you turns over and some nasty chemical spills out all over the road you’re not going to hang around and drink the rest of your coffee and fiddle with the radio are ya? No, you’re going to get the heck out of there.
This is how I’ve grown to view my husband’s mother. I don’t think she’s inherently evil. I don’t think anyone is…but this woman is bad news.
For years I tried to get him to talk to her. Work things out. I didn’t want to believe that she was as manipulative, hurtful, maniacally selfish etc as my husband said. Most of all I didn’t believe what he has always asserted - that she just did not love him and was quite possibly a sociopath…but I do now. I won’t go into it… I completely support him 110% in his decision to divorce his mother. He is so much happier now. We are so much happier now.
I am sorry about the void you’re feeling now Lupin. I agree with what Zenster has said. Seek out people who accept and support you! Good luck!!
I have no relationship with most of my family and an extremely limited relationship with my mother and brother. I do feel a void sometimes… there are instances where I wish I had real parents to turn to in times of extreme joy and sorrow. I actually feel this more now that I have my own children!
When I was younger I tried to replace my parents in my life. I had to stop that! Instead I have formed adult relationships with people of all age groups and these relationships work through mutual like and respect. These relationships fulfill me better than the ones I tried to cultivate with surrogate parents.
Oh and I do feel people are most surely toxic. My father is evil and while I respect other’s opinions on this matter and don’t intend to try and sway them… for me people are toxic. I have some compassion for my mother but no respect. I cannot feel anything even remotely compassionate for my father. If you had seen the glee in his eyes when he did the horrible things he did you would better understand my feelings on this issue. (A small snippet of life with daddy - when I started to question the abuse he heaped on me (from the age of 3 or 4 until I left home) he created elaborate scenarios to make me think demons were trying to kill me and the only way to stop the demons was for me to perform sexual favors on him)
Lupin… do what you need to make your future happy and healthy. And fill your life with people who really care about you and who make your life better. In these friendships/relationships you will grow and fill that void. Good luck to you!
I have been where you are, and I know that it’s hard.
It will get better with time. I didn’t look too hard for other replacements, being a young adult and all, but the universe served me up a couple anyway. They are all around you.
Here’s something that really helped me with my healing at this time. I found two old black and white snapshots of my parents in the years before I knew them. Headshots only, I cropped the rest of the photo out. I enlarged, matted and framed both photos and hung them on my wall.
I used them to remind myself that I loved my parents, these parents, people who were young and bright and full of promise once. It was safe to love these parents, not the addicted dysfunctional beings I knew. It was easier because I didn’t really know these parents, it was before my time.
A therapist could probably tell you why this helped me, all I know is that it did. You have to embrace all of yourself and they are part of you, like it or not.
Seperating yourself from them was very smart. { Ignore your friends opinions, they don’t know, and can’t imagine what your reality is like.}
Breaking away is freeing but the healing comes when you can view them with compassion and love, regardless.
Good luck to you and peace.
I have stopped talking to my parents, well my mother specifically. I talk to my father 2 times a year; on Christmas and my birthday. I don’t give my mom the time of day. Interestingly enough neither of them really cared when I came out of the closet but they are still nasty people whom I won’t deal with. I went back to my homestate for a visit a few years ago and didn’t tell them I was there. I went out with friends and some other family members but avoided them. I haven’t regretted my decision. If you want to talk, email me at my name here at yahoo dot com.
Old French saying:
“God gives you your friends, and the Devil gives you your family.”
Oh yeah, and people who say that other folks cannot be toxic are sorely deluded. I hate to think of how many children (especially gays) that have been driven to suicide by unloving, unaccepting and overly critical parents. Someone please try to tell me that parents who sexually or physically abuse their own children aren’t being toxic?!?
I watched my father break my older brother’s spirit with physical abuse. My brother’s three years older than me and lives at home with mom. I can still remember my father saying as he chased me, “I’m tired of hurting my hand, where’s a stick?!” The only child of his he ever gets to see very much is my broken down brother. Sort of fitting, if you ask me. Don’t think that when I have kids they will ever sit on his lap or that he’s ever going to hear their voices. Won’t happen. Ever.
Lupin, you have my greatest sympathy; I’ve been half there. My tenuous relationship with my mother finally deteriorated to the point of break-up and no contact four years ago. Mostly, she disappeared after a lot of weird signalling, but that was my cue to cut it off too. It was immensely painful. I believe strongly in honoring one’s parents, but her abusive craziness was too much to bear.
In retrospect, the cut-off gave me some space to process all the past abuse, and the pain blasted through some unspoken walls with other family members about how they saw that abuse happening. I was in my mid-thirties when this happened, and was really amazed at some of the input my aunt, uncle, and Mom’s ex, my Dad, had to say about Mom, and me as her caretaker. They all saw it happening, but it never came out until my damned dam finally broke, and I asked them for help. Do you have relatives who know your situation, and can help you see it from their outside perspective?
Studying Buddhist thought, since ya mention it, coincided with the pain of separation. It helped me a great deal, by teaching rational methods of examining my own mind, learning to detach from the drama, and generating a viewpoint of compassion for all, including those who hurt you. It hasn’t been easy at all, but I’ve made a bit of progress. The hurt doesn’t hurt so bad when you realize that the reason people act horribly is because they are hurting too, and don’t know how to get out of it.
What I also learned from reaching out to others while in pain, and seeking out a way to comprehend it, is that almost everyone has experienced aching pain, and voicing that to other folks helps your heart more than you’d expect. Find a group of people who can support you without judgement.
And, don’t close the doors with your parents. Perhaps a period of time where you refuse the relationship that abuses you will make them think twice or thrice. Don’t give in, either. Set your parameters about what you will accept in conversation, and tell them when they transgress. It’s incredibly hard with a parent; that 7-year old getting her emotional ass whupped always stays with you. But, how are they going to learn the consequences of their actions without you showing them?
It’s very hard, but worth a try. I’m still trying.
I want to say how great everybody is being for being so supportive of Lupin. It really reaffirms my beliefe in SDMB. Youz guys and gals are great! Frankly I’m suprised since I disowned one of my parents 12 years ago and no one that knew me has ever supported me in that decision. With friends like this, you don’t need no stinkin’ parents Lupin. It’s just a shame that your R.L. friends aren’t supporting you.
If you feel a void in your life maybe you could think of it backwards. Be there for someone else. Become a big brother, or some other mentor. Or just join a group that you can really sink your teeth into.
well, Buddhism, at least the Tibetan kind, emphasises the the impermanence of all things. Compassion for all sentinent beings as well. You could try to think of your parents as true Buddhism training/practice.
You could be like me and move abroad in the pre-internet days and have a month turn around time for letters, one phone call per year and a very short visit once every few years. I didn’t move abroad to get away from my parents, but it was a benefit.
(For some reason, this messgae board takes a looong time to load for me. So I don’t get to check in as often as I’d like…)
But, hey, I appreciate all of your advice. I’ve read through each post and they all had wisdom in them.
look! ninjas ~ I have 2 sisters. One has moved away from home and has fears that she has turned into my mother. She raised me. She’s only 3 years older than me. That’s a lot of responsibilty on a child. She’s wonderful. My other sister is a lesbian who still lives at home. She feels obligated to take care of my parents now. I hope she moves out soon. She gets into fights with them all the time. She’s ‘more out’ (if that is a term) than I was living at home. She’s all about the rainbow flags, rallies, parades and rainbow colored such and such.
You know, sometimes it’s not all that bad. I think I turned out to be a well-adjusted man. I just have a lot of depression to deal with. I won’t be seeing my parents for a long, long time and you know, that’s frickin’ fine and well with me. I don’t know if I can forgive them just yet, and I think that’s okay too.
More power to you, Lupin. Glad to see you were able to find some benefit in all these words. Like Shirley U Jest mentioned; You have two families in life. The one you are born into and the one you choose for yourself. A moderator in this forum named TVeblen calls this your heart family. It’s hard to think of a better term. All I know is that my friends have seen me through the hardest times in my life better than any of my lame-@ss family. If you want, I’ll try to find you a copy of “Zen Flesh, Zen Bones.” Email me about it if you’re so inclined.
Lupin, divorcing yourself from your family to save your own peace of mind might be the best thing you ever do for yourself. Everyone has had really good advice to offer you; I hope you are able to use some of it. There’s no way you deserve the kind of misery your family seems intent on causing you, and you don’t have to take it.
My so-called father beat me up and berated me in the most awful way until I left home at 16. I was lost and hurt and mentally defeated, and I drifted for a very long time, maybe too long a time. But eventually I got over not having a nice family. I only spoke to him twice since 1976, and both times it was bad. He died last year and I didn’t have the slightest twinge of remorse. For all of my adult life he had been just another guy who lived on the planet.
I had developed a really nice relationship with my mother in what was to be the last year of her life, after a number of years of extreme difficulty, and then she passed away. My one brother has become somebody I wouldn’t be friends with for any reason, and my sister has refused to talk to me since I moved 1200 miles away. I don’t have any contact with any of my relatives, and haven’t seen any of them since my mother’s funeral. I will probably never see any of them again. My one remaining semblance of family is my youngest brother, who lives on the other side of the continent. We originally had no relationship at all. Now we talk nearly every day on ICQ, and he comes to visit when he’s vacationing down here. Other than that, there isn’t anybody from my “family” that I care to ever see again, and good riddance.
Despite my father, and to spite him as well, I found a wonderful woman to marry, and we are doing just fine. Her family is my new family, and they are really nice people. I started all over from nothing at 37, and at 44, I have what I figure most people would like to have by the time they’re 44.
Sure, there’s a void there where all my great family memories should be, and the nice ones that I have are from so long ago, it seems like a movie I saw once. But the best thing I ever did was to get away from those people, and become who I am. I’m confident that you could do it, too. Of course it’s hard. But what, that is worth accomplishing, isn’t? And what is more deserving of accomplishment than your own sense of self-worth and contentment with your life?
I wish you the best of luck. If you’d like to chat privately, my e-mail address is in my profile.
lachesis, China Guy said what I wanted to express.
With his interests in buddhism, it’s rather bizarre/counterproductive to go around labelling people as toxic.
Word, fishbicycle. I’m really glad to hear that you made it out the other side of such cruelty and abuse. I’d wager you’ve earned every iota of the happiness that’s come to you. Several years ago, I came up with a description of how it felt being a self-declared orphan.
“My family is just a bunch of strangers that I happened to grow up with.”
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Zenster *
**Word, fishbicycle. I’m really glad to hear…
Thanks, Zenster. I figured there was no point to going around being hurt if I didn’t have to - because it wasn’t any fun, I gotta tell ya. I appreciate your comments.
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