I’m going to strenuously disagree with those that say that it’s okay that she abuses you. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind, and all that. She doesn’t have to like you, and I think you know that, but she doesn’t get to abuse you, either. She was wrong to hit you way back when, and she’s wrong to abuse you now.
I was severely bullied, too. Like dragongirl, I almost panic if I encounter a former classmate. And I’m 34 years old already. Geesh. Anyway, iI’ve already “forgiven” everyone, but would mean something to me if someone from my middle school days were to say “I’m sorry I was mean to you. I kind of liked you, but I felt that I had to pick on you, and I regret that.”
I agree that you should try to take her aside and offer another apology. Maybe write her a letter that she can read when she’s alone. Don’t let the letter stand on it’s own, though. See if you can apologize in person, too. But you should ask for nothing in return. In other words, you should let her know that you are truly sorry, but not ask for her forgiveness or her friendship. As you know, you don’t deserve it. And you should let her know why you were doing it, just like you told us. Remember to include the part about how you were doing it because you were finally getting approval from your own former tormentors. That will help to show her that you have given some thought to the whole matter, and will help show her that you’re sincere. Also let her know how much you enjoyed spending time with her when you were away from the group, and how you regretted being such a jerk after that. In other words, tell her what you told us, except leave out the details of exactly why she was such an easy target. (She knows) It’s enough to say that you picked on her specifically because it got a good reaction from the people you were trying to impress.
She may still hate you and shoot you dirty looks, but hopefully she’ll knock off the overt “giving you shit.” And hopefully, in the fullness of time, her feelings will be salved, and she may even consent to give you her forgiveness and friendship. And even if she doesn’t, at least you can console yourself in the fact that you sincerely regret your jerkitude.
To those of you who are pointing out that START still is showing some immaturity in the matter–he’s still a teenager! Of course he’s still immature. Scumpup says that it seems that START is merely looking to benefit himself socially by making up with Laura. There may be an element of that, but is that a such bad thing? It’s immature in a way, but he’s also learned an important lesson that will serve him well in adulthood–don’t burn your bridges. The guy you were an asshole to might turn out to be your boss. Or a girl that you want to befriend.
In thread after thread, START has shown that he is trying hard to learn to be a good person. This process takes years, decades, and trying to build his own foundation from scratch. It seems that he hasn’t been able to get enough practical guidance from his own family. So he comes to us. And no matter how much crap you all heap on him, he keeps coming back. Good on him. He’s shown an increasing willingness to take his lumps and learn from them.
Also, self-analysis by former bullies is absolutely essential in learning how to reduce and even eliminate bullying in schools. My husband is a seventh grade teacher, and involved in various programs to help make middle school less of a living hell. One recent trend has been towards “bullyproofing.” Now, no one is naive enough to think that they can eradicate bullying. But they can take steps to reduce it. For example:
–Teachers can be trained to recognize bullying behavior and identify the targets and perpetrators. (This can be hard sometimes.)
–Teachers and administrators can stop “looking the other way” and punish bullies. And if the bullying continues, the guidance counselors can try to figure out what is prompting the behavior and try to help the bullies.
–Teachers and guidance counselors can help the targets of bullying by providing positive support, counseling, or just a “safe” classroom to hang around in.
–Students can be trained to take a leadership role in fighting bullies. Ideally, students can exert pressure on the bullies to knock it off. Even if that doesn’t come to pass, a certain percentage of students can probably be persuaded to not provide positive reinforcement to the bullies.
–Students can also be trained to provide support for the targets of bullying. While it’s pretty unrealistic to think that the “popular” crowd will take the “Lauras” of the school into their cliques, they can at least learn to be nicer to her.
Would any of this have reduced START’s bullying of Laura? Maybe. If he had not been bullied in the first place, he might have been less likely to try to get approval from his own former tormentors. If teachers had recognized the bullying, they might have been able to change START’s behavior through negative or positive reinforcement. If they had identified Laura as a target, and had the means to do so, they could have helped her avoid becoming so vulnerable to START. And if the other students hadn’t been so supportive, START would have lost some or all of his incentive to bully her, either because his “audience” would be reduced, or because of the likelihood that among the students that disapproved of bullying would be a few that START wanted to impress. And if “popular” students had been a little nicer to Laura, maybe she wouldn’t have been so desperate for approval that she looked to her bully for friendship.
START, I want you to know that I treasure your presence on this board and count you among my favorite Dopers of all time. To quote a Boynton cartoon from long before your time: Don’t let the turkeys get you down. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll grow into an admirable man. Good luck