Do I have to take sh*t from a girl because I ruined her life in Junior High?

I used to be an Asshole and I enjoyed being an Asshole because it benefited me socially. During 7th grade when I was a jerk towards the weak (teachers included), I could make people laugh and when I could make people laugh they became my friends. I had many friends and associates in part because I would dare to do things like taping an “I Make Wide Turns” sign on a fat kid’s back when he wasn’t looking.

I picked on the easiest targets; I set my sights on the boy who was a little too effeminate, the people who talked funny, the girl that was obese, the new substitute teacher or any pupil who did not easily fit into any acceptable social group.

It wasn’t as if I didn’t know how people felt when I teased them because I had been through the same thing, many of the folks who I made smile with my rude antics were my tormentors at one time. I knew it hurt but I didn’t care enough to stop and possibly lose my elevated social status and go back down to “scrub”.

Anyway the purpose of this thread… Out of all of the people I was mean too the worst was this girl named “Laura”. She was “fun” to tease back then because she didn’t fight back very much and she had so many things to pick on. Her parents were “weird”, her clothes were old and stained, and she had a unique odor, she was overweight and had a serious case of acne. Any one of these perceived faults could be exploited and I happily did that on a daily basis.

1 incident sticks out in my mind because I literally got slapped for it; We were on a school trip and somehow Laura and I were assigned to the same group during the day and I actually had a chance to talk to her at length and found that she was really a cool person. Laura told me that I was nicer when I was by myself, that I was so much cuter when I wasn’t being a jerk and she hoped we could at least say “Hi” to each other at school. When I got back to school my “buddies” at the time were not feeling the fact that I was actually acting like Laura was a human being with feelings so they said that Laura and I were dating because I was being “way to nice to her”. The next day Laura walked up to me and a group of my associates before class and said “Hi START” I looked at her and said “Oh my God a giant talking pimple”.

It doesn’t sound very clever now but the comment got a laugh from most people within earshot and a few insincere cries of “oh that was messed up”. Despite the adulation coming my way I regretted the words before they even had a chance to get all the way out of my mouth. Laura almost loss control of herself as she dropped her books and ran towards the nearest girl’s restroom. I didn’t realize it right away but among the items she had dropped was an envelope with my name on it.

Although I had just basically stabbed a girl in the heart some of my peoples wanted to give me props. My conscience which had not been loud enough to stop me from hurting Laura’s feelings in the first place now screamed out “forget these jerks and follow her and apologize with every last fiber of your being, apologize like she has the power to send you to Hell.” I chased after her not caring what anybody thought and I stopped and waited for her when she went into the restroom. Laura rushed out of the bathroom, closed the door with force and walked past me. It hurt to look at her face not because of any physical features but because of the hatred I could see in her eyes that came from deep within her soul. I had put it there and if it would last a lifetime or a few days I was still responsible for it.

I followed Laura as she went to go get her things that she had dropped; I even helped her pick them up. Laura’s face seemed to soften and I took that as an opportunity to speak and I asked if she was still mad and told her that I was sorry. Her reply was confusing to me at best, “Why should I be mad, you do this everyday it was my fault for thinking you wouldn’t try to be cool in front of your friends.” It sounds absurd but I honestly didn’t know if that was an acceptance or rejection of my apology. I reached my hand out for a handshake but she reached her hand out and slapped me in the mouth. Not hard enough to make me bleed or cry but I definitely felt it right then and a few minutes thereafter.

“Ugly ass bitch!” is what “Jason” said as he came to my defense. I looked at Jason and without any spoken words told him “Back off, I can handle this.”
Laura was only a few feet away when she wrote on a piece of paper, walked back and handed it to me, it was an envelope with my name on it but on the back side written in Pen were the words “NOT INVITED”. On the inside of the envelope was an invitation that said something along the lines of “Guess who is a teenager now? You are invited to boogie down at Laura’s 13th Birthday”.

I wanted to go back in time but I couldn’t and I was frustrated with myself so for the next few days I took my frustration out on everybody. The people that understood why I felt so bad are still my friend’s even today and the rest I haven’t talked to since 7th grade.

Ok for real this time the real reason why I made this thread… That girl, Laura is now well into being a teenager and everything we used to tease her about is gone. She lost weight, her skin looks great and she is more confident. The reason I know this is because out of all the people I would have to bump into in a new town I see her and she said she was over everything that happened but she is rude to me whenever I come into contact with her, she “went places” with her rudeness that you wouldn’t believe if I told you…but wait maybe I deserve it even though I am not of the same mindset that I was in 7th grade. Luckily we do not go to the same school but I have seen her a few times and today she took some underhanded personal attacks at me under the guise of polite conversation and like I said she “went places” that nobody would believe.

So in realizing that I was a jerk and ruined part of her 6th grade and her entire 7th grade year do I have to take shit from her? Would it be rude if I defended myself? What should I say if anything when she is being an asshole to me? From what I have heard she is more confident but still very sensitive and insecure so if I made her cry again, I know I would feel bad so any advice, I basically want to know if I just take it because I deserve it or defend myself ?

And yes I know about Karma and I know I was really mean… but 7th grade START has grown up shouldn’t Laura do the same?

So you tortured her a bit when you were in 7th grade and now she’s doing the same to you? Can’t really blame her. Can’t you just ignore her?

Guess I can’t blame her either…I don’t see her every single day but I don’t think I can ignore her because I still have ears and I can hear her. Do I have to let her be rude to me for about 9 months so we can be even :dubious: ?

Kudos for having the courage to admit to doing stuff like that. Most people would pretend they have never done anything wrong in life.

If you ask me, she sounds mentally messed up to begin with. Any woman who develops a crush on someone who consistently abuses her verbally and mentally has serious psychological problems IMO, and probably can’t be expected to deal with emotionally involved situations in a rational, well thought out manner. I really do not know how to handle the situation myself. If you defend yourself it will make things worse, if you allow the abuse she will keep doing it. I would just avoid her and let her know when you see her that you’ve made serious mistakes and realize that now.

Also perhaps you could let her know that you have reformed but the more she abuses you the more you reconsider the idea that reforming was the right thing to do as you feel it leaves you weak and vulnerable. It may not be true but if she thinks that her abuse of you will lead you to revert to your old self and treat others the way she was treated she may calm down a bit. I have been mistreated and the anger runs really deep, but if the people who did it reformed and said that the more angry I was towards them, the more they considered it justified to treat people the way they treated me the less inclined I would be to abuse them for fear that they’d go back to the old ways and treat others the way they treated me.

I think you should just grin and bear it. If she says something rude directly to you, say, “I guess I deserve that, for what I did to you,” and walk away. You really can’t and shouldn’t expect her to be civil with you. Remember that her recent attacks on you are probably not motivated by a shallow desire to “look cool” in front of her friends.

I understand that but how rude should I let her get? The more I think about it, there is a line she shouldn’t cross because we are older now and supposedly more mature.

Even though I am more mature, I have a lot more experience being a jerk (not that I’m proud) than she has and if she is trying to make this a “who can be the biggest jerk” contest, I 'm going to win…but I don’t want to win of course because I’m nice now :slight_smile: .

Does she know that you’ve changed? You could always apologize again. Let her know that you’re different, and even if you mistreated her a few years ago, you aren’t like that anymore. Tell her that you understand if she’s upset, and you do feel bad about the way you treated her. If she doesn’t accept your apology, then it’s out of your hands. Even if she is being especially vicous in what she says to you, I think you’ll feel better if you let it slide. Hopefully she will accept your apology this time. If not, then chalk it up to experience, and be happy that you aren’t a jerk anymore, and won’t run into a similar situation in another 5-10 years.

My advice would be to take her aside, if possible, and make a serious apology. Tell her you were a jerk and don’t make excuses for yourself. Tell her exactly what you told us. (I used to be an Asshole and I enjoyed being an Asshole because it benefited me socially)

If you are lucky she will forgive you. If not, well, she deserves an apology while you do not deserve anything from her. Yes, you should take shit from her if she decides to pile it on you. You earned it buddy. Eat it and smile. And if you start to think she is giving you too much shit, put yourself in her shoes and think about how extremely horrid she must have felt when she tried to invite you to a party (and she probably had to work up the courage to do so) and you insulted her. My guess is that it hurt her a whole lot more than you think it did.


Yup. What you did was wretched.

That she may be exacting revenge for herself and everyone else you took pleasure in hurting so you could be popular is something to consider.

Further, that you should take it and not retaliate in anyway I think is in order.

You have some serious penance to do.


I’m glad you’ve changed and become a decent, remorseful human being, but yes, you should have to put up with whatever she dishes out for the same amount of time you dished it out to her. Was it a year and a half? Sounds appropriate to me.

She is still judging you based on all the horrible things you said to her way back then. You have to earn your way out of that.

Part of growing up is taking responsibility and accepting the consequences of your actions.

START, I admire you for owning up to what an asshole you were. Many people never reach that level of introspection, and I salute you.

However…in middle school…I was that girl. Not fat and no acne, but socially inept with bad fashion sense. Easy to mock. Read a lot of books. And I had a crush on a guy who was “popular.”

One day in sixth grade (first year of middle school) some of my girlfriends pushed me toward him with a handmade card. And he and his friends laughed in my face.

It was the most awful thing I could have felt. Humiliated in front of not just his friends and my friends, but all the other people in the common area (and you know how people watch what’s going on…)

I kept having a crush on the same guy for several years (what can I say, it was a small school) and when we moved on into high school I still got all stupid and tongue-tied around him.

My 10-year high school reunion was last year, and I’ll admit that though I don’t give a rat’s ass about him as a person there was still a part of me that wanted him to be there to see how incredibly fabulous I’ve become (I’m 28, happy, working and I still look about 10 years younger than I am). And actually, I’d already beaten him out, popularity-wise, in high school - lots of friends, spoke at graduation, happy with myself, dating, etc.

My point (and I do have one) is…you have to take her crap - to a point. I second what somebody else said about trying to take her aside and really apologize. Tell her you were trying to be cool even though you knew you were wrong, you understand why she doesn’t like you, you were wrong wrong wrong - but beyond that, there’s no reason for personal attacks. There comes a point where the wronged person has to be a big person too.

I can’t see any reason why she would want to be nice to you. Yes, you were a child when this happened…so was she.

This should be a nice little lesson for you (one you seem to have learnt) and you were on the easy side of the lesson. She copped the hard side, so the grudge is hers. She will give it up when she is ready not because you are ready.

The best advice is to avoid her. She is holding on to animosity. You can’t make it go away. You may be a reformed dickhead but to her you are still a dickhead.

Though the apology may help…just avoid her.

We have to live with the consequences of our past actions; unfortunately, sometimes those consequences are changes in the attitudes of others. Personally, I’d say there’s only been enough apology on your part when she says so. This may never actually happen, of course.

Let us know how you feel when one of those kids comes to school with a gun and starts blasting away.

You get to suffer.

She gets to decide how much shit you need to take, not you, and she may well have a limitless supply to dish out.

Apologize only if you expect nothing–no acknowledgement, no kind words, and certainly no forgiveness–in return. All you get out of a sincere apology is to express your own self-criticism and regret. If you’re looking to gain something more by it, then it isn’t a sincere apology, and you need to start over.

I don’t get “I was an asshole for years and years, and have apologized in the past but it didn’t take-- now I would like to let bygones be bygones on my time schedule and the person I was an asshole to for years and years is taking her sweet time about recognizing that I have finally, really, truly, honestly, no-kidding-this-time, changed–that sucks.”

Your attitude right there shows how shallow your so-called “change” is.

You want to show how mature you are? Accept the fact that you were an asshole and that she doesn’t want anything to do with you, and move on.

No. No, you’re not. You put on a good front, though.

I would see this more of as a “Why are you posting this here? Tell her.” type thing. YMMV

By the hoo, lots of friends rarely matches up to real friends–just something to keep in mind even if you are beyond being a shit to get them. My brother, for instance, upgraded from being a shit to being addicted to socialising and thence lived the next 15 years dead broke as he always had to be out buying people more drinks (…which then led to alcoholism… :frowning: )

No idea if that’s at all applicable, but just in case.

Frankly, I don’t think you’ve changed much from the guy who made fun of her years ago. You’ve just found a new way to benefit yourself socially.
You owe her a sincere apology which she won’t be bound to accept. That crack across the mouth she gave you wasn’t even a down payment on what she owes you.
Leave the poor girl alone. You’ve really, really messed things up for her quite enough.

Your conduct was quite poor.
So poor, in fact, that if I had know you acted like that, I probably wouldn’t have offered to help you register here. :dubious:
I suggest you write her a letter of apology.
A real one, & a good one.
Typed & signed.

And then, leave the poor kid alone!

Na. Don’t write or sign an apology, if you are going to apologise do it in person.

The whole thing seems like something you both would rather forget.
Just avoid her. She will probably appreciate that. If your paths cross, ask if you can have a private word, then grovel big time.

Groveling does not seem to be something you would enjoy…so AVOID her. Sometimes you just can’t make up.