My daughter seems to have gotten tangled up in one of those “mean girl” situations. Another girl at school (they’re both in 7th grade) got mad at her about a month ago and is holding a grudge with a vengeance. My daughter’s perception is that Mean Girl is trying to turn all their mutual friends away from my daughter, and is being openly hostile (e.g., Mean Girl audibly *hisses *when my daughter walks by her in class). The sad part is that they were friends until this incident. The incident apparently involves the Mean Girl having a crush on a boy; my daughter has known the boy since they were in preschool and said, “Do you know who likes you?” and he replied, “Mean Girl?” so the word is that my daughter spilled the beans. Hence massive retribution, at least in the world of a 13-year-old.
So what kind of advice can a dad give that will actually help? I can only think of the usual stuff that I would say to an adult, but a 13-year-old doesn’t get it yet. What I really want to get across is:
Someone who acts like that isn’t really your friend, it’s a form of bullying
Someone who would line up behind her is being intimidated to do so
The whole world hasn’t turned against you. You’re going to be OK, your life isn’t over.
What to do?
There is very little you can do. Or that she can do, for that matter, except try not to fuel any more fiery teenage bitchery. Chances are the Mean Girl will be turned upon, eventually.
If you feel helpless, try to support your daughter with her school work and extracurricular activities. Some teens (especially girls, I’ve noticed) spend a ‘reject summer’ after a particularly nasty end of school year. They might spend two months in and out of the library, going to camp with people they don’t go to school with, at a part-time job, reconnecting with old friends, babysitting… I knew for certain that high school was small potatoes in the grand scheme of things, and that helped a little.
All I can think of is to tell her that this too shall pass. Also tell her that anybody who says your teenage years are the best years of your life is either pathetic, has a short memory, or is lying.
ETA: In my current stage of life, I have to deal with things like sewer backups. It still beats the pants off dealing with the social drama and everything else associated with being 13. Tell her it really does get better.
Funny. I did the exact same thing in the 6th or 7th grade. Same result. The bully did NOT get turned against. They all lined up against me. Worst 2 years of my life. Very bad time of things.
My advice: Tell her to tell the other girl to knock it off. At that stage of life, no one can make her feel like crap unless she lets them. If she acts like she’s in charge of the situation, she will be. Young teens and preteens will adopt whatever attitude they see their friends having. Tell her that now’s the time to play the part she wants.
Kids can get caught up in the bullying thing like a tidal wave. If your daughter starts telling you that all the other kids are turning against her, you need to notify the school and the parent of the bully. Man…you see this crap turn bad. Really bad. Listen to her and take action. The last couple weeks of reports on bullying just scares the hell out of me.
I am fairly sure that physical violence would solve this issue. Tell your daughter to corner Mean Girl when she’s alone and rough her up a little. I’m not advocating anything serious of course, just a hard slap or two across the face. She won’t expect it and her only reaction will be shock. Then your daughter should make some threats like “If you don’t cut this shit out I’m going to beat the shit out of you and then I’m gonna cut your hair off, and if you tell anyone about this I’m seriously going to hurt you. Now stop being a bitch.” Or something like that.
It may not be 100% ethical but I think it is close to 100% effective in these situations, especially since girls in general are much less prepared for physical violence. Playing by other peoples rules (social in this case) is not a good strategy and hands over power. Take the initiative, be aggressive, make them play according to your rules.
There’s probably a valuable life lesson in there for both girls as well.
Then, wait for the call from the school telling you they’ve called the cops on your daughter.
IME, there really isn’t a way to get the things you want to tell your daughter to sink in until she’s ready to see it for herself. Has she confronted the girl verbally, yet? How’s the school’s guidance counselor? S/he might be able to get the kids into a meeting to try and resolve things before they go too far. I also agree with Kalhoun.
Yes, I assumed he was joking too (Threatening another beating, and cutting off her hair?- maybe she should do that if she’s looking to be a junior mafioso or something), but also had that thread in mind, and figured someone would be seriously advocating that soon.
Exactly. If she can at least pretend it doesn’t bother her and stop, look, and laugh when hissed at it might slow the mean girl down. A small laugh at her attempted meanness may eventually worry her enough to stop because Mean Girl doesn’t want to be the object of ridicule.
My daughter had a best friend in school and the same sort of scene happened.
They broke off friends for a while and there was drama. They are now both 18 and best buds. They laugh about it now.
Either two thing will happen. They will remain enemies and glare at each other the rest of their school days or it will smooth over.
I too gave my girl the same advice as you have already pointed out. If they have many mutual friends then have a sleep over with the friends that are still on her side or better yet no side. She could even invite the “x-friend”. It shows she is willing to forgive and forget. It is worth a shot.
Tell her not to discuss the issue and just have fun. It does not have to be anything big. Some movies and a pizza. Just let them be girls.
The other girl is embarassed and needs to vent it and your daughter is the target. She will get over it and if not then let it go and move on.
This is what I would suggest too but do it in class with the teacher present and not in a confrontational manner.
I did that to a kid in 8th grade, we’re both boys, and I asked him in a curious type of manner and just stood there staring at him. The teacher asked if there was a problem and I said, “No, I just had a question.” and I kept looking at him. After a few seconds he just looked away and I went back to my desk. He never said anything to me again until the end of the year.
And as often happens with boys we became friends over the summer after 8th grade. It turns out he just wanted to look cool in front of his friends.
Did your kid ever apologize for the initial transgression?
If I remember middle school at all, ratting out someone’s secret crush was a severe faux pas that would get you ostracized for a while on its own, without anyone setting out to alienate you.
Not that your daughter should give into any kind of bullying, but I cut off a lot of bitchery in high school by being proactive when my big mouth got me into trouble.
As a bonus, it’s an obvious way for her to take the high road if the rest of her friends are on the fence. Otherwise, all she can do is ride it out and realize that losing a creepy snake-hybrid as a friend isn’t the end of the world.
It’s a great book for anyone, not just people with daughters. Just reading it you can see where a lot of insecurities or actions of adult women come from.