"Toxic Friends" (kid help. please)

In My Humble Opinion
1

At our usual “Yeah, the guys are out killing Bambi’s, so us girls are partying” day, the subject of toxic friends came up by the adults. We have a mutual friend who is a pain in the ass. She will wax on about how much money she and her husband are socking away while mooching food/drink off everyone around. When it comes time to pay the dinner bill she always ‘forgets’ her checkbook/VISA/wallet. When we all get together she will never bring anything to share, be it food, a game, a movie - nada. Last time we had game night she even invited her sister and her sisters boyfriend without telling the host. Of course, no one brought anything and the 12 pack of soda I brought for myself was gone within an hour (No one begrudges the fact that I bring my own soda, I always do. I put it behind the couch - when the friend saw me grab a can she decided it was fair game). At the end of the night after asking the host whether she wanted all the desserts I had brought and received a negative, the friend popped up and said she’d take everything. Uh, no. Said toxic friend will no longer speak to me as I said “Sure, I’ll package it all up after you go buy me another case of soda”.

So there was the start of the discussion of toxic friends. LilMiss was somewhat in on the discussion, asking what a toxic friend was, what can you do, &c. It obviously got her thinking, as last night in the car on the way home she started peppering my sister and me with scenarios about friends. I knew what she was angling at, and answered as honestly as possible. So did my sister.

She has a friend who, over the past three months, wants to come over ALL the time. It’s not as much that she wants to see LilMiss, but rather so she can see her “crush” that lives down the block. Every other word out of this friends mouth is the boy’s name. The friend was over Thursday night and they went for a walk. Friend peeped in the boys bedroom window, for heaven’s sake! That was after friend tried getting LilMiss to knock on the door for her. The typical phone convo is “Did ‘crush’ mention my name this morning on the bus? Didn’t he look cute? What’s he doing tonight?” LilMiss has become tired of it.

Last night shit hit the fan. We arrived home to find a message from the friend telling LilMiss she needed to call her “RIGHT AWAY” as they had to “STRAIGHTEN SOME STUFF OUT!” Through the wonderful world of gossip, friend heard that LilMiss complained about the whole issue. Usually LilMiss would let it slide, appease the friend, and life would go on. Not last night. Between phone calls and IM’s they duked it out. I was SO proud of her. She’s at an icky age where boys are becoming increasing more important, yet she doesn’t really care - which makes her “weird” in her circle of girlfriends. LilMiss confronted her friend about the pathetic attempts to be friends when in reality it’s all about that guy, &c. There were tears, of course. LilMiss know she had to do it, and she knew it would be hard, but not that it would be so hard.

Ten minutes after the whole bruhaha, LilMiss received a call from another friend. The using friend had already sent out IM’s and e-mails calling LilMiss names and telling ever other girl in their circle to stay away from her. LilMiss, of course, didn’t want to go to school today but knew she had to face the shitstorm otherwise it would be even worse.

Parents of preteens/teens - what do you do in these types of situations? I am proud of her for actually confronting her friend, and have told her so. But when she comes home today, what do I say? She firmly expects to be shunned - and that’s hard for a very social girl. Me, being very UNsocial, doesn’t know what to do or say. Help?

2

Damn. That was really, really awesome of LilMiss, and she’s a brave girl to do that.

Just–be there for her, I guess. Give her as much support and hugs and loving as you can.

3

Well, everything I’ve read about junior high girls lately is that the “Big Freeze Out” is very popular amongst the Miss Bitchy Pants set. Hopefully your kid has some good, true-blue friends that won’t get sucked into the crap. Social punishment is very tough at that age. Good luck. It’s a very trying age.

4

Damn hamsters ate my post.

Your OP dropped me right back into 7th grade. Little girls can be right bitches, can’t they?

LilMiss is a very strong little girl who can stand up for herself, and you need to nurture that.

When Ivylad’s sister was in junior high, she was in a similar situation. She’d had a falling out with her mean bitchy “friend” and had no one to invite along on a birthday outing. She was considering making up with her “friend” until my MIL told her to look at some of the other girls in her classes and invite one of them.

Nigh on 15 years later, she and the “nice” friend she invited along on a birthday outing are fast friends, going to each other’s weddings and performances and such.

The important thing is to make sure your daughter knows that the problem is not her, but her bitchy friend. Have her raise her sights and see if there’s some little shy girl sitting at back of the class that she can make friends with. It will drive Bitchy nuts to see LilMiss having fun be someone else, and LilMiss will be too busy to see what nonsense Bitchy is up to.

5

The “Big Freeze Out” was very popular among the Miss BItchy Pants set when I was in junior high and high school too. I lived in fear for many years of doing or saying something wrong because I’d get the cold shoulder for a month. Fortunately, during those periods I ended up making better friends, and stopped caring whether those other girls were talking to me or liked me. Which ones do you think I’m still friends with? Funny thing is, now those girls (now adults) want to be friends with me. I’d gladly blow off an invitation from them (and do!) to spend time with my real friends.
It sounds like LilMiss is ready to make that step into finding better friends. It doesn’t sound like she enjoys spending time with these girls much. It hurts now, but she’ll be better off in the long run.

6

Well, could LilMiss copy the IMs and emails between her and toxie to all the other friends so they can judge for themselves?

7

Of course the best thing would be for LilMiss to go after the boy with a vengence.

8

I’m a guy, so I do sports analogies. It might not be exactly what you’re looking for but here it is:

I coach little league baseball and softball. It’s common for a kid to be scared of the ball when batting, fielding or both. I, as the experienced adult, can coach fielding and hitting techniques that minimize the risk while at he same time allowing the player to successfully complete the task. I cannot, however, coach past the mental block the kid has about being hit by the ball. I also cannot, in good concience, tell the kid that they will never be hit. As a matter of fact, it will hapen at some point - it is an inevitable part of the game. It’s a trade off you have to be willing to make if you want to play. As cruel as it may sound, usually the best thing that can happen to the kid is to get hit by the ball sooner rather than later. They find out first hand that, while it does hurt, the pain is neither unbearable nor permanent and usually something good comes out of it - as a batter you get to go to first base, as a fielder you stop the ball and maybe make the play.

Your daughter just got hit by one of life’s fastballs. It will hurt, but something good will likely come of it, even if it’s just learning for sure that her “friend” really wasn’t. Just like sports, getting dinged is an inevitable part of life. Be sure, if she handles it well, to tell her how proud you are. If she handles it poorly, talk to her and use it as a learning experience - then be sure to tell her how proud you are. It’s a painful lesson, but one that should be learned sooner rather than later. It sounds like she’s doing fine.

9

I think that’s the hardest part of being a parent…standing back and watching your baby get hurt, and knowing you can’t protect them from all the bullies in the world.

She’s got a good head on her shoulders. Keep her strong, and she’ll do the rest.

10

Thank you all for your responses.

My daughter is alien to me. In this she is truly her dads’ kid, as they are both social butterflies. When I was her age my SOP was turning away at confrontation, never looking back. I preferred being left alone and didn’t want to deal with the petty girly crap so many of my age set were interested in. As an adult I find I have even less tolerance for the bullshit that sometimes is wrapped in friendship (see the start of the OP about my toxic friend).

The friend she had it out with is also the friend who spread rumors about LilMiss last spring. After a winter of baggy sweats, LilMiss went to school in a fitted shirt. During the winter the bosom fairy had bitch slapped LilMiss, but none of her friends knew. “Friend” [for some reason I keep typing ‘fiend’] told people LilMiss wore padded bras or water bras. It was out of jealousy, and LilMiss knew it and talked to her about it. After a few weeks they got over it. They also had another big spat this past summer over a mutual friend (talking behind people’s back was the reason for this one). They had just made up before school started.

I know LilMiss feels awkward. She’s 11 years old. Some friends wear make up and are quite girly. I won’t let LilMiss wear make up and she hasn’t been a “girly girl” since she was six. This friend has been pushing LilMiss to wear some make up to cover acne and when LilMiss says No, friend gets bitchy. Last week a girl on her bus called her a boy and that caused her much angst. Unfortunately, I can’t help much. I recall my Mom telling me to “Just get over it” and “When you’re an adult, this will seem so stupid”, and yanno what? Didn’t help at all. Her dad isn’t much help either as he has NO idea how to relate with her.

sigh as I’ve been typing she called. She’s going home with another friend as the object of toxic friends adoration called LilMiss an unpleasant name on the bus this morning. She sounds quite down.

11

I suppose just socking the other girl in the jaw is out of the question, right?

12

Eleven year olds know about water bras? :eek: Man, things sure have changed since my day (says the 19 year old).

It seems like I was a lot like your daughter- out going, lots of friends, always trying to be popular. The difference was that I had no problem calling it as I saw it: “No seriously, you are being dumb. Stop being annoyingly giggly about boys.” This got me in trouble a few times. Apparently, girls have some code that you must constantly affirm your friends’ stupid behaviors. Yeah, that wasn’t so much for me.

Also, whenever gossip would get around, I would always get blamed. I attribute this to the fact that I was the only dissenter to their stupidity, but oh well. Needless to say, I faced many-a-freeze out.

The most obvious thing to do (which is actually the hardest to do in practice) is to just realize that you are better than that stupidity. It bothers you that she is constantly talking about boys? Don’t be around her.

As another poster said, just make it clear that she will have more friends and she will (hopefully) mesh a lot better with them.

This might be a good time to throw her in some activity where she could meet some new friends.

13

And maybe this might not work now, but as she gets older- be friends with boys. Girls are friggin’ annoying and stupid :slight_smile:

14

I was going to say this. The bus kid ( a 19 year old girl) was always not in the gossipy circles, had friends but they were friends, not users, etc. She’s been through so many “best friends forever” that she’s to the point now, or has been for the last 4 years or so, where she knows what a real friend is and isn’t. Someone called her “comfortable in her own skin” and even if i don’t know just what that means, it sounds right for her.

Along the way to where she is now, she went through what your LilMiss did. It hurt her, but I don’t know she’d be who she is without having had that happen, and had some good friends and us to be there for her.

Around the second year in high school I noticed she had a couple GOOD girlfriends, a bunch of female “buddies” and all her best friends were guys. Still are - the ones she called friends at 14 are her best friends now at 19 even with 500 miles between them. She’d go out at night with “Joe, Jed, Brad, Nick, Carlos, Brian, Carlo and Jimbo”. She was their token chick friend and I swear they are the tightest group of kids you ever saw.

15

I agree. I have more male friends that female friends, just cuz I don’t want to put up with the crap. Boys can have a wrestling match and it’s over. Girls brood.

16

Eh, I just gritted my teeth and told myself high school would be better, that I would find like-minded people instead of these bitches. And you know what? I was right. Friends don’t treat friends like that.

17

I don’t know anything about being a social pre teen girl (unless the librarian counts as society) and certainly not a pre teen girl with e-mail but…couldn’t she send out her own round of e-mail? Just saying…I thought we were friends but it didn’t seem like it when she was just USING ME, and I think she’s really nice but I DON’T THINK WHAT SHE’S DOING IS FAIR. Or words to that effect. Obviously she’d have to write it herself. You know, pre teen girls, being barbarians, are viscious, but like other barbarians, they believe in JUSTICE. If she can convince them that even if she is Chief Warlord, the “friend” has not been a “friend” according the the tribe rules (and I don’t think she has…boys are still a dodgy allience!) the tribe must cast her out…not LilMiss. And I would think e-mail is the best place to do that (in private consulatation rather than at the war concil.)

Beyond that…she’ll come out the better for it…not that it makes in any easier now.

18

I would definitely advise against her sending out a round of emails. All her friends are just going to giggle and mock her for being so desperate.

Yeah, it doesn’t make sense. Young girls (or any woman for that matter) don’t have to make sense.

19

shrugs I think that depends entirely on how she plays it.

20

If I put myself back in those situations I can remember just wishing the people closest to me would treat me like I’m special to them. I think if my mom would have treated me like an important person rather than another annoying mouth to feed it would have really boosted my self confidence and helped me to brush the petty school stuff aside.

I suppose you could try just taking her on a special “mother daughter” dinner sorta thing and not bother talking about the current issue unless she brings it up. Depends on the relationship between you two though.