I wouldn’t recommend sending out an e-mail explaining her action. While I know nothing about being popular, it seems to me that the girls in her former friend’s set might see the former friend’s actions as being entirely reasonable and not understand what all the fuss was about.
I do know a lot about being unpopular, in part because I refused to play the sort of social games the popular girls played. I found them repellant. Point out to your daughter that this business of being a friend one day and a non-entity the next day is no way to treat another human being. Why would you be friends with someone you can’t trust or someone who’s mean to you?
I do feel sorry for LilMiss. I know how badly it hurts, and I’m glad she’s got a good mother to talk to. Why don’t the two of you do something special together, something not girly-girl, but your style. A few weeks ago, my best friend, a woman I’ve known since 10th grade and I had our version of a girl’s day out (actually more of a weekend) – participating in Archaeology Days at a museum she used to work for! Nail polish was not involved – pump drills were! See if you and LilMiss can find something similar and revel in being who you are, not who the social-climbing bitches of the world try to make you be.
Good luck to both of you. I wish it were easier.
CJ
One, Tell her this is an excellent opportunity to find out who her real friends are, and what the meaning of true friendship is. It is also an excellent opportunity for some introspection to determine if she has ever done the things to others that are hurting her now.
Two: Let her know that you are very impressed with how she dealt with it, that you are inspired to do the same with your toxic friend. Get her help in figuring out how to deal with your toxic friend, then live through the consequences of that one together.
Am I the only one that thinks lilmiss needs to be told not to take shit from people?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even know the girl and I’m proud that she stood up to her user friend.
I just feel there needs to be some sort of contention between lilmiss, user friend and the rest of the gang.
In MY mind, I’m thinking if the rest of the gang KNEW just what user friend was really up to; then maybe she wouldn’t have such a rally of support behind her. (As in: “You know gals, if she’ll do it to me she’ll do it to you too” kind of thing.)
What I’m getting from the OP is she hasn’t done that.
And remind her that people who are assholes now can be completely different when they grow up and become more confident in themselves. These mean girls are feeling their way through adolescence too. Not everyone who makes errors in judgement as a pre-teen turns out to be a shithead in high school and beyond.
Actually I have told her this, many times. But, not having a great basis to work from, my advise can only go so far. LilMiss is one hell of a strong minded girl, but when it comes to friends that are pushy, she tends to cave. I think because so many of her friends have moved on/moved away, she feels almost desperate to keep the toxic friend so she can say she’s had a friend for a long time.
The rest of the gaggle of geese tend to go with toxic as she is very domineering, not only in physical presence but of voice too. She suffers from “It’s All About Me” syndrome. She walks over her mother and fully expects the world to kiss her ass for all the woes the world has given her. Whatever. LilMiss is the first person to seriously stand up to her. With regards to e-mailing friends to clarify the matter, that is NOT a good idea. It would seem like she was trying to save face.
Last night I had a long discussion with another mother last night about our wonderful daughters attitudes. It was pointed out that all of LilMiss’s friends are only children of single mothers with fathers vaguely around (in our case he is a roommate, but is rarely around). All have fairly domineering personalities and are stubborn. However, all have vastly different home lives - some are dealing with alcoholism in the house, some have the ‘uncle’ revolving door, some have medical issues. It is interesting, from a sociology perspective, to see how they interact.
Supposedly LilMiss and the friend made up last night in IM. I warned her not to get to close to friend again. Then I received the :rolleyes: from her. I reiterated all the shit friend has put her through. “I Know Mom”. She did tell friend that it was her last chance and that she has “better things to do” than to listen to friend wax poetic about crushboy. She’s more generous than I would be.
One thing that helped me ALOT was having friends outside of my school set. People I knew from non-school related stuff. Community theatre was mine (that meant some of my friends were a lot older), but dance or gymnastic, church. This sort of stuff happens throughout high school, and having friends that don’t know or care about your other friends is really nice.
Female friends become great when they grow up. I went from having no girlfriends because all women are nasty backstabbing bitches to believing my girlfriends are some of the best, most important people in my life.
What about joining a sport? I would think there’s less bitchiness when the girls have to co-operate on a team. Plus, they’re so busy running and jumping and trying to hit/kick/bump the ball that they’re too busy for whisper whisper whisper.
Somebody oughta tell Toxic Fiend that being a drama queen doesn’t make a good impression on guys.
As for LilMiss confronting TF or stating her case with the rest of the gaggle (although according to your last post, that seems to be moot), I wouldn’t. It would give TF more credit than she deserves. In the long run, it would be better for LilMiss to give the impression that this is just what it is: more of TF’s hysterics, and so what? Soon she’ll find something else to trip out over, and the other girls will forget they’re supposed to hate LilMiss.