A fairly trivial dilemma, but I really don’t know what to think, so I’d thought I’d ask Dopers for their ideas.
My daughter is 12, and started high school in February (as we do in Australia). At the start of the year, this boy in her class told her he ‘liked’ her, but her response was basically ‘mmm’, because she is interested in someone else (although she didn’t tell him that). That seemed to be the end of it, and she has been on amicable terms on with him since then.
Just lately though, he has started teasing her, calling her a lesbian, and getting his friends to tease her too. She gets pretty upset. She told him if she didn’t stop, she would slap him. Of course he didn’t stop, so she went to slap him. She lost her nerve at the last minute and failed to make contact. The boy thought that was pretty funny, told everyone, teased her more, etc. So she has decided that she has to make good on her threat, and actually hit him. That will make everyone talk even more, but she doesn’t mind that.
Now I’m torn as to what to say to her. I have always encouraged her to do what she wants, even when she’s nervous. I have often coached her through things that she wanted to do, but was afraid to. I also want her to be able to stand up for herself with boys. She doesn’t want to hit him because it will hurt him. That’s an attitude that’s asking for problems. On the other hand, it seems kinda wrong for me to be encouraging my kid to hit other people’s kids. I think that this boy probably likes her (am I right in thinking that?) and it seems a harsh punishment when he doesn’t mean anything bad towards her. I feel a bit sorry for him if he does like her, because she is definitely not interested in him.
I vote no on the Slap.
If the boy wants he could easily then use that to try to get the girl into more trouble by simply reporting that the girl physically assaulted him.
No. If he were physically assaulting her in some way, a slap would be appropriate. Since the assault is verbal, she should respond verbally, not escalate to violence.
God no. He’s dipping her pigtails in the ink well.
Her best defense is to ignore him, or even give him the slightly superior look with a well targetted “It so sad when you can’t get what you want” kind of answer.
Normally I would be violently against treating a lovesick boy this way, but pointing out that he’s a lovesick boy and is just being bitter is the only way she is going to get everyone else to back off too.
It would help if she could rein in the frothing rage, but just reading about it I want to choke the little bugger so I can’t fault her too much on that.
No to the slap - it’s long past time to get over the idea that it’s okay for women to hit men. If this was a 12 year old boy going to slap a 12 year old girl, I don’t think we’d even be having this discussion.
Maybe when he’s teasing and being awful she could say something like, “I’m flattered by all your attention.” She has to know that reacting to him in any way is what he’s looking for, doesn’t she?
I don’t like this suggestion. If physical violence from a man to a woman is a bad thing, how can it be acceptable to have a woman do it to a man? It plays into some very worrisome stereotypes about the genders.
I would encourage her to ignore him or talk to him and tell him that she’s not interested in him, and to please stop saying untrue things about her - regardless of how she feels about him romantically, that kind of behavior has no doubt caused her to lose respect for him. And a young guy is going to likely get a lot of rejection, but better to be rejected and respected than to be a disrespectful ass. Which he is now.
If either approach fails, she can tell a teacher or school authority. But she loses the high ground if she hits him, IMO.
In concept I disagree with her slapping him. I don’t think anyone should resort to violence.
That said, if you are one that thinks physical violence is an acceptable answer, why not tell her to slap the kid. Take advantage of the gender bias that allows women to hit men and men to never do the same.
Have you looked up the school policy on violence? In the US, most schools have adopted a “no tolerance” policy. No matter how much one kid harasses another, if the harass-ee gets physical, the punishment is theirs.
Even if there isn’t a no tolerance policy, I wouldn’t advise my kid to physically harm another kid. It’s just so…crude. Surely you can come up with some good verbal retorts together.
I mean, calling a girl a lesbian just because she won’t go out with him? That’s just so lame. And it really puts his self esteem into question. Surely she can “win” this with words.
I must say some of the recommended verbal comebacks sound far to adult and would do nothing to help the girls popularity as coming off as adult like is frowned upon by her peers.
She’s a girl, starting a rumor about how small the boys penis is would be far more effective and appropriately juvenile.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much your daughter can do to protect herself in this situation. Physical retaliation is very much out these days. And winning by using her words? Not going to happen. These types of assholes are immune to reason, and whatever clever retort she makes, no matter how devestating, is only going to encourage him to get even more crass to show her who’s boss. Same result will happen if she completely ignores him, perhaps even worse than if she responds.
The only real thing she, or you can do, is to contact the school authorities and threaten legal action if the situation is not halted immediately. Make pains in the asses of yourselves. Insist that if the boy makes just one more remark within her hearing, you will be going straight to the lawyers and the police in that order. Scare him. Have him brought into the office and threaten him with a restraining order or insist that he be transferred to another school if there is another incident. Stick to your guns. Picket the damn school and call the television stations if you have to.
Over the top? Absolutely insane? Yes, it is. But it’s the only thing that’s guaranteed to work.
“Coming off as an adult is frowned on by her peers”? Where in the world did you get this idea?
The whole concept of adult vs. juvenile behavior is that adult behavior is good, juvenile bad. It’s not juveniles consider the behavior good, just that they don’t know any better.
Futhermore, the rumor you suggest won’t do anything but cause the boy to escalate. He’s not going to suddenly realize that the reason for the rumor is that he started one about the daughter. He’s just going to note that someone said something mean about him, and is going to get mad.
What is going on with this other boy she likes? If she is interested in him and thinks he is interested in her she should ask him out. The best revenge is happiness and if he can see that his words aren’t having an effect and that she is happy elsewhere not only will that put him in his place but it will make her feel less anger and more pity towards the jerk.
Geeze. These are 12 year olds and it’s teasing. She should tell him to stop teasing her and if he won’t stop, she should tell her teacher and the teacher should put a stop to it. She may be pleasantly surprised at the look on his face if she says in a very loud, confident voice “Stop teasing me!”, especially if it happens in class (as opposed to out on the playground). The boy may suddenly realize that everyone is looking at him.
As momentarily satisfying as it might be for her to slap the kid in the face there’s all kinds of ways that could go wrong and/or escalate. I think she should save that for a case (which hopefully never happens) where someone puts a hand on her.
