The only thing I would add to the OP’er suggestion is that you also give her lots of positive reinforcement about herself. Girls at that age set their personal value based on what is mirrored back to them. (Well, lots of them do, anway.) So it may sound very trite and perhaps OTT, but I think it’s important to say things like “You’re smart and funny, you’re a great person and a great friend, it’s too bad Mean Girl doesn’t see that anymore, but other kids will, you’re doing a great job in school and we’re so proud of you,” etc. etc.
Diraeli said, “Everyone likes flattery, and when it comes to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.” I think that’s also true of girls at this age. Self-esteem can be a very shakey thing, and fights with friends or peers can undermine it badly. Even if all you hear in response to your comments is “Oh, Dad,” that won’t mean she hasn’t heard you. There’s a ton of value in “WE love you. WE think you’re awesome, and we always will.”
I think the answer starts with your daughter apologizing. Because what she did, in asking the guy if he knew who liked him, was stirring the pot. It was, in the jungle that is junior high, a power play of sorts. She was using confidential information from Mean Girl to elevate her own power within the social circle. This does not make her a bad 13 year old girl, but it makes her a normal 13 year old girl, and they are problematic creatures. The adult equivalent might be letting slip something like “do you know who’s on the layoff list?” or “I saw your girlfriend last night.” It was not an innocent action. Although she may not realize it, she was also playing mean girl politics.
When these two were getting along, did you get to know Mean Girl’s parents at all? Could you talk to them and say that things have broken down, and maybe get the kids together and say “Listen, you two need to have a civil conversation about this where you both admit your mistakes and agree that hostilities (which could get you both into trouble at school) will stop. Whether you go back to being friends is up to you.”
Bypassing all the responses, here’s what to advise your daughter-
Everytime MG even glances her way, she’s to go into spasms, freeze up, etc. & beg MG to take the spell off her. Tell all her friends that MG is a witch who astrally projects into her dreams every night to torment her, and that MG dragged her to a coven meeting where MG had sex with the Goat-Man and they tried to make your daughter sign her soul over with her blood in a big black book.
It’s even better if she says it in mock-KJV English & calls MG “Goody MG”.
I’m not a parent, but I wouldn’t say any of those things. I don’t know many adults who could take this is good part, let alone adolescents.
I would start by acknowledging her feelings. “Wow, it must feel like you’ve lost your best friend, and that the whole world is turning against you.” You can probably say it better, since you know her and I don’t. But I can’t over-emphasize the importance of acknowledging that she has these feelings and that the feelings matter. Telling her not to feel that way will likely turn her off completely from interacting with you further on the subject.
Positive reinforcement should be happening all the time, but it has to be sincere and something she can relate to.
If you can get to the point where she can think clearly about what’s happening and what led up to it, I think **Harriet **makes some very good points about your daugher apologizing for stirring the pot. If the story is enough different from what we are understanding such that she is completely blameless, then I think the confrontation in a neutral tone could work. “You’re mad at me and I’m not sure why, so could we talk about it? I’d like to be friends again. Maybe I’ve done something I need to apologize for.” A soft answer turneth away wrath, or so I’ve heard.
Roddy
I think your daughter owes the girl an apology for telling her business- as stated above, her intent was obviously to do so, even though he guessed. No wonder she’s pissed off! Your daughter needs to approach her in person and just say “Hey, I feel really bad about what happened between us, specifically about talking to Joe. I’m sorry. I understand that you don’t want to be my friend anymore, but I still wanted you to know that I"m sorry.”
It’s hard to do, but it’s the right thing. This is a great opportunity for her to learn, IMHO- when you wrong someone, you apologize for it. I’d bet about anything that eventually the “mean girl” will come around and they’ll end up friends again.
There could be something to this. Although my daughter isn’t malicious or devious, there could be some subconscious stuff going on here. And my daughter isn’t particularly famous for thinking through her actions to consider the consequences.
An apology is probably a good place to start, but this girl has upped the ante to the point where it’s hard to make an apology without losing face. Unfortunately at this point it will appear that the girl intimidated an apology out of her. I suppose international politics are like this…
As the school counselor/ social worker/ psychologist to facilitate. This will involve “loosing face” for both girls, but will let MG know that you take this sort of bullying seriously enough to get the administration involved.
Tell her next time she gets hissed at, stop and look at Hissing Girl and say, “You know, I’ve seen second graders that act more mature than that.” And then walk away.
I had this problem, sort of, when I was 13. For whatever reason the self-proclaimed “cool girls” at my summer camp decided I wasn’t up to their standards and did their best to torment me.
One of them called me a “dog” repeatedly, and made jokes for her friends’ benefit about it, at my expense. Finally, one day, I brought a Milk-Bone to camp, waited for an appropriate time, and threw it at her. I forget exactly what I said to her, but it came down to “it takes a dog to know a dog, so here’s your treat.” Being scorned by the scorned was humiliating for her, but once she understood that I didn’t care about her mind games and that I could give as good as I got, and that I didn’t mind doing it in front of God and everybody, she backed off, and so did the other girls.
IMNSHO, the hissing is a form of gaslighting, especially if MG is being careful not to let anyone around her hear her. (If that’s not the case, she’s brave.) The best way to deal with that is for your daughter to call MG on her mind games. Perhaps your daughter can bring a small bag of cat treats and place one on MG’s desk when MG hisses. If MG wonders what’s up, your daughter can tell her that since MG is behaving like a cat, she thought MG might like a cat treat. This will probably help stop the hissing, if nothing else. The rest of it is to be where MG isn’t, at least for the rest of the school year.
The good news is that the drama will likely fizzle out over the summer. Whether they decide to be friends again is another issue entirely.
If she’s going to apologize, I’d suggest you practice with her, until she gets it just right. No groveling, no whining, nothing that can be construed as a sign of weakness. Just a very adult, mature admission of a single mistake. And then she needs to know that she has done what she can to make it right. The next move is up to MG. And no matter what happens afterward, your daughter needs to be able to walk away from it. Take the power away from MG. Not to turn the tables on her, just to balance things.
I’d add that the apology should sound real and not a weasal attack disguised as an apology. It’s way too easy to do the half apology half excuse which could just up the ante more. The real apology could be disarming.
I hesitate to describe this as acting “adult” though, since I’m not sure the tendency is much in grown-ups favor either.
Yeah, this happened to me at age 13 as well. Well, what I did was ‘tell on’ a friend who had claimed she was thinking about committing suicide. Turns out she was just a lying bitch, but that’s neither here nor there.
I’m not sure I’d recommend apologising, although it could be warranted in this case. From a realpolitik standpoint, though, I doubt it will accomplish anything right now, unless she can do as thirdwarning and Hawkspath say – and I agree, most adults can’t pull that off either.
Does your daughter have any friends not involved in the drama, that she can spend more time with? Does she have hobbies she can devote time to? Age 13, high school next year (or two years?), this might be the time to focus on things other than this groups of girls.
The hissing and stuff is infuriating (the girl in my situation did the exact same thing, weird). Saying ‘just ignore it’ is useless of course, but I’m not sure that it’s possible to tell the girl to ‘cut it out’ in a way that will not give them an excuse to ratchet up the harassment. Sometimes a dignified silence and time are the only things that help.
Your daughter wasn’t completely blameless in this situation and you should point out that it’s important to maintain integrity in relationships. If someone confides something to you, you should respect her enough to not spread it around. Ask her how she’d feel if her friend did the same thing. And then suggest that she apologize for the transgression without trying to make up excuses.
“I’m sorry that I betrayed your confidence when I told XXX that you liked him. I hope that you will accept my apology so that we can move beyond this.”
At this point, her friend will either accept the apology or she won’t. If she does, then great. If she doesn’t, then that’s the way the ball bounces. But I’d also point out to your daughter that even though her friend had justifiable reasons to be angry, her “punishment” was way over the top, spiteful, and immature. Bottom line is that this incident has given your daughter an opportunity to see her friend’s true colors, and they aren’t all that pretty. So why continue focusing her time and energy on a girl who has shown that she will turn on her on a dime? Why not turn her focus on creating friendships with girls who may not be as popular as her former friend, but who would be kind enough to extend forgiveness instead of flipping out over something relatively minor.
19 of us went to a three bedroom, one bathroom on-the-lake cottage of a friend.
7 adults.
The rest were kids ranging from 7 up to 14.
Three girls. Two teenagers and my 8 year old.
The entire weekend was extremely nice and there was no fighting,* except between the teenage girls.*
If there are two teenage girls, there will be three things seriously wrong with the entire situation and it is always THE OTHER GIRLS FAULT OMFG WHY DO YOU HATE ME!!!
The entire group decided to put them on ignore and told them we were all ignoring them and their DRAMA until they decided to act like the girls we know, love and care about. If they didn’t straighten up, well, with a buttload of boys around, I’m pretty sure letting them off chain would have resulted in some serious panty twisting times for the OMFGWHYAREYOUALL AGAINSTME!!!BOOOHOOOOO girls.