Little bit of background, first. I’m bipolar, and an angsty white boy from the 'burbs. I like to think I write well, but I’m very picky about liking what I write. I figure there’s no place better than this to recieve some harsh criticism. I also wrote this in about two minutes while feeling pretty damn depressed and useless. Kinda want to call it Icarus, but I’m not so sure.
Why me
I can’t decide
Maybe it’s the look in your eyes
Like you would follow me
If only I knew what I was doing
Knew what I asked of you
Fuck it
I can’t explain it
You’re better off not knowing
What it costs to be aloft
To soar, like so many others
To fly, but just so far
Until the air thins out
And the sun’s too near
But I can believe
That you’re willing to do this
For me
But I don’t know where I’m going
I am not a fan of poetry so I can’t really judge yours. It looks like poetry. It seems poetic. The one criticism I have is that there are one too many "but"s near the end.
Honestly? YOU don’t suck, but your poem isn’t very good. It’s what I call “jagged prose,” which is usually just thoughts broken into very short lines to look like a poem. There is no rhythm, no poetics. If you read it aloud, you’ll see (or hear) what I mean. I do like the bit about being aloft, so there’s a germ of an idea you can work with to write a poem. Poetry is all about revision.
It reads like a Linkin Park lyric. I’m not saying that you can’t use poetry to express extreme emotion (hell, that’s what a whole lot of - even, most - poetry is), but this really looks like you’ve just poured your thoughts out on paper, but haven’t really considered the elements that turn a diary entry into poetry. You should be using the language to communicate the emotion behind the poem - rhythm, meter, structure, rhyme, etc. That’s the difference between Chester Bennington and T.S. Elliot.
I certainly don’t want to discourage you. Poetry isn’t easy. I suck at it. And, as far as I’m concerned, an interest in language is the most important thing behind any writing, so if you’ve got that - which you do appear to have - then you should just be sticking at it, because you will get better.
To me it just looks like a long piece of lyrical prose broken down into lines. Not that there’s anything wrong with this - it’s a stylistic consideration and works for a lot of poets - e.e. cummings and the like.
I suggest that for each break you make, ask yourself “why am I breaking the line here? What is the purpose of the line being this length? Why is the structure of this line as it is?” If you were reading it out, where would you hit the emotional notes?
I personally admire more the kind of poem on which the poet enforces some kind of structure; conveying the same meaning within that structure means that greater skill must be employed by the writer. The structure could be a stanza form as Mariemarie has suggested, or a rhythmic scheme, or a rhyming scheme, or all three.
in my opinion, poetry isn’t just expressing truth and emotion - it’s about art. For me, the best poet is one that can form a poem from the language like a sculptor makes a statue out of clay.
O.K. I’ll try and pitch my 2 cents in
Honestly friend , I think your poem is just fine. If thats the way you express yourself…SO BE IT. I personally would’nt waste my time worrying about what everyone else thinks, I would just focus on my inner self and soul search for the things in life that make me happy. Some of the most tragic disasters I have ever experienced came by the direct result of myself trying to please other people or from trying to live up to other people expectations. Try travelling or changing your enviroment
I’m actually trying to move back to Texas after moving 1200 miles to Michigan. My ultimate goal is to be independantly wealthy, and being in a band that only plays local dives.
As far as pleasing other people, if I think my needs/wants are more important than somebody else’s, I will nicely let them know.
I try to express myself sometimes, but it rarely comes out to my satisfaction. I actually think of myself as a musician, though I can’t play an insrument, and can barely (IMO) sing.
I did say I wrote it in about two minutes, but I forgot to mention this is straight from the brain to paper. It only took me two minutes to write, because it literally takes me two min. to write it. If I thought about it more, it would probably be much better, but I wouldn’t like it as much.
Every time I write a poem, or lyrics to a song, it’s either extremely disjointed, like the above, or it rhymes too much for my taste. I mastered rhyming in 2nd grade, and feel I need to move on. Every now and then I try to write a short story, and they always peter out after a few pages, even if I think it was sort of alright. And if it isn’t depressing, sick, or angry, it sucks.
I revised it a bit. How’s this?
Why me
I can’t decide
Maybe it’s the look in your eyes
Like you would follow me if only I knew what I was doing
Knew what I asked of you
I can’t explain it
You’re better off not knowing what it costs to be aloft
To soar, like so many others
To fly, but just so far, until the air thins out
And the sun’s too near
But I can believe that you’re willing to do this for me
But I don’t know where I’m going
I really appreciate your comments, and thank you for them.
I’m actually trying to move back to Texas after moving 1200 miles to Michigan. My ultimate goal is to be independantly wealthy, and being in a band that only plays local dives.
As far as pleasing other people, if I think my needs/wants are more important than somebody else’s, I will nicely let them know.
I try to express myself sometimes, but it rarely comes out to my satisfaction. I actually think of myself as a musician, though I can’t play an insrument, and can barely (IMO) sing.
I did say I wrote it in about two minutes, but I forgot to mention this is straight from the brain to paper. It only took me two minutes to write, because it literally takes me two min. to write it. If I thought about it more, it would probably be much better, but I wouldn’t like it as much.
Every time I write a poem, or lyrics to a song, it’s either extremely disjointed, like the above, or it rhymes too much for my taste. I mastered rhyming in 2nd grade, and feel I need to move on. Every now and then I try to write a short story, and they always peter out after a few pages, even if I think it was sort of alright. And if it isn’t depressing, sick, or angry, it sucks.
I revised it a bit. How’s this?
Why me
I can’t decide
Maybe it’s the look in your eyes
Like you would follow me if only I knew what I was doing
Knew what I asked of you
I can’t explain it
You’re better off not knowing what it costs to be aloft
To soar, like so many others
To fly, but just so far, until the air thins out
And the sun’s too near
But I can believe that you’re willing to do this for me
But I don’t know where I’m going
I really appreciate your comments, and thank you for them.
)