You probably want to contact the American Dairy Goat Association or the National Pygmy Goat Association.
(Although you may have just a wee bit of trouble garnering their support.)
It seems to me that the diameter of a full grown goat is somewhere in the range of 15-20 inches.
The only place you are going to find a bore like that is the main battery of a battleship.
And it just so happens that I know where there is a battleship just laying around unused that we can pick up cheap. (U.S.S.Texas@Sanjacinto Battleground)
If we fire the goat out of the stern turret and out over the Gulf of Mexaco we won’t have to worry too much about where the goat lands or splashs down.
If we set it up right we might pick up some extra cash to help pay for Goatstock by bidding to deliver fresh meat to the offshore oilrigs that dot the gulf.
Peace
LIONsob
Well, I’ve checked in with the NRA, and they’ve indicated an interest in blocking any “Assault Goat” legislation any Congressional kill-joys might entertain.
After all, “the right of the people to keep and ballistically hurl goats, shall not be infringed.”
As well, due to the inherent aerodynamic instability of goats, the sabot idea definitely gets my vote.
Additionally, I think a helmet-mounted live “Goat Cam” would do wonders for ratings.
I could begin working something up in the electronics department, if someone can forward me some rough numbers on the the maximum (peak) G-force (probably during the launch for standard propellants, although a RATO strap-on could go much higher).
I know some Nat’l Guard Gun Bunnies with access to counter-battery radar vans, for in-flight goat-tracking (hey, the “Goat Cam” might be reusable).
ExTank
“Mostly Harmless :wally”
there are a couple of big guns over at FT Sill that are not being used, and are already pointed at artillery ranges.
I am inspired. My students and I will-
we MUST- build a trebuchet. Here, by the
way, is a link to a wonderful story about
a guy who would make a great drinking buddy.
He launches pianos, cows, the works. And
he has toyed with the idea of launching a
human parachutist- "It would be splendid to throw a bloke, really splendid,'' he says wistfully. He’d float down fine. But he’d
float down dead.’’
Well, I like the idea of launching a goat with a compressed air gun, however as previously mentioned I think the way to go is an elctro-magnetically propelled goat gun. This way, you can control the blast pressure, the amount of accelleration, etc. The problem is it will cost a lot of money, so if your kinda low on funds, you should disregard this post. That’s my two cents.
ExTank, you just beat me to the GoatCam concept. I know we’re not looking for target accuracy here, but I’m thinking Desert Storm footage here. I.C.B.G.s dropping on Saddam’s bunker in Baghdad might be just the trick.
Should we add a microphone too, or would that just make us think about the poor creature too much?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU’RE ALL CRAZY…I love it.
Well, the specs still seem shakey. I vote for the ejection seat/JET/RATO idea. It seems most likely to keep the goat intact until impact…unless you want a parachute to reuse said goat.
We need to name the cannon as well. Something like…The Goat Blower!
we need to give the goat a good name, say…Marvin, or Patsy.
Something that sounds good when you add ‘the blown.’
We could also incorperate the phrase ‘when goats fly’ (from the obvious expression ‘when pigs fly’) into the promotion somehow.
sound good?
Name the goat “Shelly”—'cause it’s ammo. 
And if you wanna “blow a goat”… keep it to yourself, kid. Or at least don’t do it in the street & frighten the horses.
My thoughts on this:
I believe that compressed gas is the way to go. But not in the conventional sense. Attach the goat to the bottom end of a compressed oxygen bottle (from an oxygen- acetylene cutting torch rig). This has several advantages.
-
Fairly cheap. And available anywhere.
-
You could use any open ended tube of suitable diameter for the launcher
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For stability fins could be attached to the goat or bottle. And the added bonus of guidance if you use servos from a Radio Controlled model airplane- add that to the helmet mounted goat cam and you have a cruise goat-missile.
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You could vary the pressure in the bottle for different launch speeds.
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You could rig the goat to separate at a pre set launch altitude or when the propellant ran out. I.E. “booster separation”
Slide the goat/missile into the breach end of an open tube and knock the valve off of the bottle with a sledge hammer. Make sure to send me an invite.
and I think perhaps merely launching the goat from a cannon is not ambitious enough. I propose we think big and consider ways to actually achieve a goat in space.
Now hear me out. Centuries from now, we will all be dead and forgotten; even if Goatstock goes through, our names will be no more than a footnote to history. But if we could achieve a space goat we would be immortal. Think about it!
Aside from the “scapegoat”->“spacegoat” elision (our marketing people ought to be able to do something with that), there is the fact that we would be taking our place among the great pioneers of the space age. The Russians have never put a goat in space, and I feel absolutely confident in my supposition that even the ESA is years away from attempting anything like this. Neither have those stuck-up snobs at NASA shown any interest. It’s all ours, because only we have the vision.
To achieve the necessary velocity, a rocket would be the traditional method. But a traditionalist would never think to try something like this in the first place. I say to you, my friends, that we can put a goat in orbit by the end of this decade using no more than the very ballistic technology we have been discussing.
Rather than a mere sabot, we must encase the animal completely in a bullet-shaped shell that would effectively turn the astrogoat himself into a projectile capable of the velocities necessary. The casing would be held in place with explosive bolts that could fired by a radio signal from the ground, once in orbit. The shell would drop away leaving the goat to orbit the earth unimpeded, with all the natural grace for which that species is renowned. (For some reason I find “The Blue Danube” going through my head.)
If we achieve a suitably stable orbit, our brave pioneer may serve as an eternal monument to the heaven-striving aspirations of both man- and goat- kind. If the orbit decays, the shooting star will blaze our hubris across the sky and that, too, will be glorious!
We need a big ass gun. The breech should be buried in the ground, and a very long muzzle will be required. As for material, though some may scoff, I am certain we could produce what we need using ferrocement and plaster mixed with epoxy. For a propellant, we’ve been overlooking the obvious: gunpowder. Cheap, widely available, and well understood in its action. Of course, we’ll need a lot of it, but that’s alright. Or “A-OK” as we say in the space game.
Now, some people will say we’re crazy, that we’re a step beyond, that we’re a threat to ourselves and others. But then there were those who asked of the pharoahs, “Why bother with a pyramid?”. There were those who queried Columbus, “What’s the point of sailing into the unknown, when we got everything we need right here?”. There were some who said to Mozart, “Why don’t you get a REAL job?”. But can you name those people? NO! They are dust, and the objects of their ridicule, eternal! This is our chance, you and me and a ruminant yet to be named! Let us not be swayed or turned aside, friends, for our moment is NOW.
On another note, if the goat is not to be named “Scape”, then in light of the goat’s genus name I propose “Frank”. It is, after all, a wonderful life, especially for our goat, who like us will achieve fame far beyond anything, I’m sure, that it ever imagined.
Im sure a goat would be glad to give its life toward the prospect of being the first goat in space. I think differently to the rocket idea, however.
Wasnt the first object launched into space a manhole cover, projected by an atomic device?
I propose that instead of building an above ground launcher, drill a hole in bedrock. Then drop in your low yield thermonuclear device, some kind of buffer, and a greased goat.
The problem is that the launching mechanism will likely disintegrate the goat beyond recognition b4 it leaves the launcher. We can either lower the yield of the explosive, seperate the distance between nuke and goat so that it is propelled by shockwave alone or create a more resistant goat. With genetic engineering we could cross a goat with a roach (only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust) to create a nuke resistant goat that chews your laundry then trys to scuttle under the fridge.
Or we could reinforce the goat by putting it somewhat within a cement block. Though this reduces the goatness of the whole thing, which is bad.
As for a large caliber gun, what about that ‘supergun’ the Iraqies were building. Surely they dont need it anymore. A finer goat blower could not be found, aside from (insert name here).
I definatly think a greased goat is the way to go. Less barrel friction and a tighter seal. You really want to jam your goat in there so you dont lose valuable projection.
If you fatten the goat up you should get a more aerodynamic object, as well as a better seal.
GOoD LOrd! A seal gun! True it lacks the beauy of a goat gun, but in a war situation it would be all the more effective. And it would piss off PETA no end. I know they disaprove of seal clubbing, but where else can they go drop some eckys?
I think the issue of goat integrity upon launch needs to be addressed further. A whole goat is so much better than an explosion of meat, like some unholy fountain.
WOO! could use this to express deliver goats all over the world.
’ We’ve got an order for a goat in Delaware, Pronto!’
‘Hmmm, this is an emergency- Ready the Primary Cannon’
’ Commander, you may fire at will’
Moments later, in Delaware…
’ MUM! MUM! IS the goat going to be here soon? I WANT MY GOAT! MUMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!’
’ Sush now little Timmy, your goat will be here right quick’
‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! MUUUUMMMM!’
‘Oh goat, please hurry’
SPLAT!
’ YAY!!! im gunna go poke my goat’
’ Thankyou, Goat Express’
…
‘mummy, why isnt it moving? whats that red stuff? mummy, why
is the goat an impact creator?’
Must give respect to APB9999. The bullet- projectile casing is an excellent idea, though it reduces the goat factor at launch. Possibly a thick liquid flling would suffice to keep te goat in place and relativly undamaged by launch.
Hey cool I think your on to something! However to get a goat into space, we would need something more powerful than gunpowder. If we used gunpowder, we’d need at least a ton of the stuff. that would fill the entire barrel of the gun we used, even if it was huge. I say either electromagnetic propulsion (it won’t be a problem if we encase the goat in a shell) or some sort of REALLY high explosive, like rocket fuel or something. We need a whole lot of explosive if we want to get the thing into space, trust me. There’s a reason that people use rockets. For example, an entire ton of gunpowder only hurles a 2 ton shell 20 miles, horozontally. To get into space, we’d need to clear at least 100 miles, vertically. Albeit a much lighter projectile, we will still need enough intitial ummph to keep it going at the terminal velocity to escape from the earth’s atmosphere (something in the vicinity of 15,000 mph). Well, that’s my idea on the space thing.
For maximum media spectacle shouldn’t we include a goatcam to record the event from the goat’s perspective?
Also, I’d love to hear Jim McKay and the irrepressible Jackie Stewart do the broadcast. Are both of them still with us?
++++++++++
Rich and honest is just as ennobling and much more fun.-- Warren Murphy
Use Lexam, a transparent plastic with bulletproof properties.
And, I repeat: if were gonna use the damn goat as an artillery shell, we gotta call him “Shelly”.
Wouldn’t you know it, I leave for a couple of months and I miss great threads like this…
Someone mentioned earlier that using a railgun type design would be a good alternative, and I completely agree. First I’ll give a brief dewscription of our options in this area.
THE RAILGUN OPTION
insert the projectile, in this case a goat, into a sleke (the railgun version of a sabot). with an suffecient power supply, you could probably manage to launch the goat at a pretty high velocity. of course, the power supply has to be hue and able to deplete withing a very short time. a few thousand car batteries are what current research labs use since it cheaper than building a custom power supply. i think the teeming millions would happily donate thier car batteries to this cause.
building the rails will be hard though. railguns tend to have a rather short lifespan since the rails are pushed apart by the current. These can probably be braced rather easily, but it is something we need to keep an eye on.
THE COILGUN OPTION
the coilgun would take a lot more precision in building, and probably more power, but we could have a much faster rate of fire. the coilgun works on the same principles as the railgun, but uses a series of solenoids to move the provectile down the barrel. this means less mechanical wear and tear. i think the colgun would have more style.
the advantages to both systems is that they only require the mechanical parts and a helluva lot of power. and the goat. my concern is that with this system the rate of acceleration is so high that hte goat would probably die of shock before becoming airbourne. we can always tweak it down a little though…
Why stop at one goat? Can we not make this into a rapid-fire weapon? A chain could be devised which loads a new goat+plug combination (such as the wood plug alluded to earlier to prevent undue damage to our projectile) into the chamber fairly rapidly. Not only would this be an incredible tactical advantage over the single-goat weapon, but the spectacle of a rapid-fire goat cannon would almost certainly increase the appeal and draw a larger audience, hence a more lucrative deal for the sponsors.
Not to mention the merchandising. Can’t you just picture all the parents buying their children mini goat-guns to play with at home? Has anyone contacted Hasbro about licensing this?
Rapid fire goat gun…that sounds really fun…
could we use a bunch of little goats for a Buch Shot aproach?
THe rail gun / mass driver could launch a goat into Japan…that would be the coolest thing ever…Ohh no worse than godzilla…flying goat…
I was trying to build a church gun once, but it didn’t work out…launching churches out of a gun would be cool (but would probibly get me sent DIRECTLY to hell)
Well, I think we should use an elctromagnetically propelled type of gun. It would work by making a relatively long barrel, rifling the barrel, installing powerful electromagnets in a circular pattern all the way up the barrel, and using a cast-iron or cobalt shell to encase the goat in. Then when you pull the trigger, the electromagnets will instantly power up from the bottom of the barrel and go up the barrel gradually faster until the projectile leaves the barrel. In this way, You’d be able to achieve fantastic rates of acceleration without totally creming the goat inside, at least not at the launch. Now, all we have to do is aim it at tokyo…