I would like to point out that this thread has come up with many terrific names for rock bands, including, but not limited to:
**The Armor-Piercing Goat Rounds
The Goat Cannon
GoatStock 2001
Goatsabot
Goat Riders in the Sky
The Rocketing Ruminants
Ballistically Hurling Goats
GoatCam
The Rapid-Fire Goat Guns
**
Might I suggest that the marketing people also find ways to avoid any unfortunate connection with Capricorn One?
drewbert:
This ain’t a job for sissies. They can deal with it or get right the hell out!
mk9kahr:
While your methods have the advantages of being cheap (or imminently “procurable” 
), I have serious doubts about the effective range. Orbit is pretty far up man.
Oh, and bring some quesadillas and tequila.
APB9999:
YEAH! :intro music: "Glory, Glory Hallelujah! Glory, Glory Hallelujah!
Patton had nothing on you! You oughta be spokesperson, or something.
Gollum: while the progress of science and flying goats lauds your suggestions, the EMP would fry the GoatCam, thus rendering the only “package” capable of recording this momentus event useless.
Besides, I’ve already bought the duct tape and super glue for the GoatCam.
Geoff of the 82nd:
Why? What the hell have the Japanese done to us? Er, recently, that is?
Good God, man! Haven’t the poor bastards suffered enough? Can’t you just imagine the horror on their faces when the rain of goats come plummeting down?
Hmmmmm…
If anyone deserves to be pelted by I.C.B.G.'s, it’s Washington D.C.
GOAT them! GOAT them all!
GoatCam Progress Report#1:
Having parted with some hard-earned cash to procure the fastening devices and stuff, I called my Dad to see if he still has his old motorcycle helmet lying about.
I propose a focus-group kinda thing to see what colors we want the helmet to be, as the local hardware store has an excellent selection of spray paints.
[interoffice memo]
Remember to put lens cap on GoatCam before spray painting
[/interoffice memo]
I know I’m forgetting something…
ExTank
“Mostly Harmless :wally”
Everyone seems to be worried about the actual launching of the goat. What about splashdown? If you do launch it with out harm maybe you should aim for a pool or something to avoid goatcheese road pizza.
Good News! I have been experimenting with materials science in an effort to further our enterprise. I have found that a precise mix of Spackle and Bondo, that I call “Spondo”, is extremely hard and light and may do for our Capra Cannon. I plan to patent the formula, so I can’t be more specific here about the precise ratios involved, but the technology now exists. Forward, troops!
Don’t you mean the FDA?
RESOL wrote:
Of course, we’ll have to call it the goatling gun.
You know we should launch the goats to Starving third world countries… It’s raining food… Anyone want some more goat burger, goat salad, goat fries, and for the ladies scent of goat…
Could we get some Comp Sci folks to make a Quake style game feateuring various styles of Goat Gun?
Do you think it would help the launch if the goat was drunk?
Wouldn’t it just be fun to see a goat drunk?
Just wanted to say that, for some reason, I laughed until I cried when I read this line. I think I’ve been working too hard lately.
Thanks, Gollum–I needed that.
Dr. J
you know the original question was "Do they make PVC big enough to launch a goat out of? " I just asked a contractor yesterday, yes they do…
I reckon we can work around the EMP effect. A cam attached to the goat aint going to give a great picture anyway. I dont want to see the world shrinking beneath the goat, i want to see the goat dissappearing above the earth, possibly with a pathetic bleating.
Another possibility is an additional "orbitcam"™ to get space born view of the phenominal explosion that propels our goat spaceward. Picture it…
Cold beer in one hand, remote in the other. You check the clock- 2 mins to goatoff. You switch stations (no more home shopping- this is important).
On Goattv, the screen is split. One camera shows the launch device and the groundcrew hurriedly conducting last minute preperations. The other shows the whole continent spread out beneath it. A big red cross marks the launch point.
The goat is already firmly in place, happily chewing on the remains of a crew jacket.
The countdown begins, and you giggle in anticipation.
by 8 you are beginning to tremble
by 6 you are sweating
by 3 you have devloped a twitch in your left eye
by 1 you have lost bowel control (now who’s going to clean that up?)
GOATOFF!!
There is an earth shattering KaBOOM and the goat can be seen dissappearing into the upper atmosphere. The launcher is oblitterated and the ground crew lie, wounded and dieing. They gave their lives for the greater good. Would that you were so noble.You imagine a
faint bleating can be heard over the rumble of the explosion.
Meanwhile, on orbitcam… The explosion has shown up, having created a massive mushroom cloud above the launch site. As you watch, a small blip is highlighted by the blast. It slowly grows, and grows… THE GOAT!
The goat slows as it approaches the precalculated position of orbitcam and gorbit (geostationary goat orbital position. Joy! sweet success. The first goat in geostationary orbit.
It bleats a bit, then starts to chew on orbitcam.
You wipe a tear from your eye, and begin to get very, very drunk.
See? can you see the dream? Can you see the dream that inspires all us here to stretch our minds to figure out how to launch a goddamn goat out of something? It doesnt matter what the crap it is, it doesnt matter what the propellant is… WHAT MATTERS IS GETTING A GOAT AIRBORNE- better SPACEBORNE!
I see the dream
can you?
Doctor J, dont thank me. Thank the good people who brought us ‘nuts and gum’. somebody should.
A doper had an idea, most mondo
to shoot a goat from his condo
not with a gun, you disgrace
but instead into space
So he packed it in a crate with spondo.
Yes , it did hurt me as much as it has hurt you
Yes I have! Cow udders used to do it for me, until I saw goat titties. Now I can’t get enough of those swinging goat-bags!
As for some of the technical problems mentioned elsewhere and asked by the OP:
A plastic or steel lauch capsule is your best bet. But building a RIFLED cannon big enough to launch an 80-pound goat very far is problematic. A more practical solution is to build your launch capsule with stabilizing fins. These serve the same purpose as rifling. Carefull design work will be required to make sure that the fins are both big enough to stabilize the capsule AND will fit in the bore. If you want, you could design some that pop out once the capsule leaves the bore.
I reccommend black power as a propellant. Of all the materials mentioned, it has the best combination of advantages: Good explosice potential, LEGAL, and not very expensive. You will have to very carefully calculate the proper mixture and burn rate required to launch such a large heavy object though. Most black power on the market today is made for small-bore rifles. (Make that ALL black power on the market today.) This powder, if loaded in quantity into a cannon, would blow the gun and anything near it sky-high. You will have to mix it with some kind of retardent to bring the burn rate down to an acceptable level for a large bore weapon.
Good luck figuring it out.
Lizard:
I second that. When it comes to propellants I just say:
By Whatever Means Necessary.
Seriously, that is either terrific irony or one of the best Freudian typos I’ve seen.
How to best utilize it though? Get 20 or so proud african-americans to hurl the goat, or do you suggest we use less humane methods. We are talkin bout propelling a goat, so i guess humane doesnt enter into it.
No kidding!! I almost died laughing when I saw this. I didn’t notice it until your post. This has GOT to be a classic!
I personally believe black power could propel even the heaviest goat much farther than it ever dreamed of going.
QUOTE]*Originally posted by Gollum *
**
GOoD LOrd! A seal gun! True it lacks the beauy of a goat gun, but in a war situation it would be all the more effective. And it would piss off PETA no end. I know they disaprove of seal clubbing, but where else can they go drop some eckys?
**
[/QUOTE]
As the British representative of BSCFP Online (http://www.sealclubbing.com)and I would just like to say that I fully support this idea as I am always looking for new ways to kill baby seals. Of course, the technology should be developed for Goatstock 2001 first and then perhaps it could be adapted for baby seals.
I think the idea of a goatcam with a microphone is a fantastic idea. Picture the scene: The pictures from the goatcam are displayed on a giant screen to thousands of supporters, whilst over the loudspeakers, we hear “Mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh” Splat!
Greasing the goat seems to be a great idea, perhaps we could combine that with my hobby and use seal blubber.
Not sure about getting the goat drunk, though, don’t we want the Shelly to be fully aware of what’s going on?
I dunno if grease would work, wouldn’t the goats fur get kinda gunky and produce a bit of drag? How about dumping some baby powder all over the goat, and using a teflon-lined barrel. That should reduce some of the friction.
If you need a barrel large enough, just knock out a lighthouse, and when the destroyer crashes into the rocks, take a row boat and hijack that sucker. I’m sure the crew will be so surprised that they hit Martha’s Vineyard that they would be willing to trade a few cannons for some bitchin clam chowder ( I would ). You might need two row boats to get it to shore, I guess something that big would be a little heavy, you might want to bring along some of Floridas tomato pickers, they have nothing else to do this time of year, except to go to a flea market. They are pretty strong, and I don’t think they would object to launching a goat…FREEDOM!
The wrecked destroyer could have a song written about it…The Wreck of the Edmund Goatsgerald. Make it about 6 minutes long, a little depressing, but not too much, talk about not being able to feed the crew because of the goat launching maniacs in the world, the legend of Native Americans and how they forsaw the flight of a goat in the mystic smoke of a dreary campfire… and all that good stuff.
God bless all of you. You’re doing humanity a great favor.
In regards to getting pictures of the airborne cloven one from above, I recommend two things (and by “two”, I mean “three”).
Build a large tower.
Strap a camcorder to one of those small blimps you can buy through Sharper Image or similar catalogues. Also, a large kite could do the trick as well.
Just rent a plane.