So I’m sitting alone getting way too philosophical about age and life experience, and I think “I don’t know which I fear more: Becoming a different person, or failing to.” Pulling out of my little funk I think “But I’m damn well terrified of becoming Oscar Wilde.” Then the stupid little part of my head that I can’t shut up sings “I wish I were an Oscar Wilde wiener!”
I’m consumed with quiet laughter for long enough I lose track of the TV show I was watching.
The other night, we were watching a fine American International Pictures film on AMC, titled “Die, Monster, Die!” and giving it the Mystery Science Theater treatment. It begins with a young man who comes to a spooky old house to meet his fiance’s weird old family. The mother of the family is bedridden, and hidden from sight by many veils surrounding her bed. Just after the young couple leave the room, you see the mother’s crusty, malformed hand come out from the veil and extinguish the candles by pinching out the flame.
In the next scene, the lovers are attending dinner downstairs with the girl’s rather hostile father. Suddenly, there is an unearthly cry! I said, “Mother just put out the candles with her other hand.” Then I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks. If I had seen this one in the theaters, I think they’d have had to ask me to leave.
I was hanging out with a group of people, and we were walking all over the city. One guy had a broken leg, so he borrowed his neighbor’s power scooter. He was thinking of ways to improve the scooter so it was cooler. Chopper handlebars? Mag wheels? Purple light under the chassis?
I suggested that he get tassles for the handlebars.
There is a stupid, silly joke that I am currently quite enamoured of,
(Q: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
A: [in your finest Italian accent, being sure to rrrroll the r’s], Roberto!)
This joke cracks me up for no particular reason. Whenever I try and tell it, I can hardly get to the punch line because I am already laughing so hard. It’s infectious and soon everyone is laughing, without having heard the punchline! I have tears running down my face by the time I spit it out.
People seem to enjoy the joke, or, I think they do, it could be the delivery!
Have you ever had a pet turtle? What did you feed it? Raw hamburger, right? Everyone knows that you feed turtles raw hamburger.
How did turtles evolve to eat beef? They descended from plains turtles. These beasts would roam the Great Plains, stalking through the tall grasses to chase down wild steers. They’d leap through the air to land on a steer’s back, and usually get them by the neck. Sometimes it would take two plains turtles to take down a larger steer.
I’m more fascinated by jungle turtles. They stalk their prey by climbing tall trees. when their prey passes below, they jump off, back first, and conk the prey on the head. Sometimes it takes more than one blow, so they have to climb the tree a few times before the prey can get away.
But that’s nothing compared to the vicious mountain turtle…
Not really. But I do kinda drive friends and family nuts because just about everything anyone says or that we see or hear, my mind is racing to see if I can turn it into a pun, make a joke about it, or use it to segue into one of my favorite jokes. And there are a whole bunch of stupid jokes that I (apparently alone) think simply CANNOT be told too many times.
Sometimes I wonder what my ration is of hits to misses. How many completely unnecessary comments do I make for each one that someone actually thinks is funny. 10:1? 100:1? More? :rolleyes:
But even tho I think certain things must be said because they are clever/amusing, they rarely if ever actually crack myself up.