While not as exciting as BBS200’s story, mine should still entertain. Here goes nothing 
A long long time ago, in a high school far far away, there was a marching band. OK it was Charlotte, NC about seven years ago. So, I was in this marching band of course. I know what you’re thinking, but unfortunately I did not get any American pie. Nay, I was shrimpy, dorky, and lacking the brash confidence and wit I display now. Life kinda sucked. Anyway, a teacher at my school was in the New York Irish League or some such thing and he was able to hook up my conductor with a spot for our band in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in NYC.
The trip up was uneventful, and we actually marched well despite our being a completely pathetic marching band. We could barely heel-toe and our tone was of a duck that smoked three packs a day. But I digress; we got all the leprechauns out of system and were returning home.
I was tired. No, I was fucking tired. The bus ride back was about sixteen hours long and four snack breaks wide, and I didn’t want to be conscious for any of it minus maybe the occassional need to defecate and/or eat a McDonalds burger. Shit in shit out, as I like to say.
So, I wanted to sleep. Apparently though the force was not with me that day, as my seatmate was the kid from Hell, particularly the secret 10th circle where-in Satan gets his ear nagged off by his mother while being poked and prodded by a legion of fuckwit cousins. My seatmate was the avatar of annoyingness. I forget his name, so let’s call him Fucky McDouchebag, or Doug for short.
Here’s some of the minutes of my bus-ride
1-10: Feign interest in conversation about Hawt bitches or something…
10-15: Try to sleep
15: Wake up from being poked in the shoulder repeatedly.
16: Go back to sleep
17: Poked again
18: Politely ask “wtf are you doing?” Response is ‘nothing.’
20: Yet another attempt at zzzzzz
25: This time my face is poked…anger…rising…
26: I ask him to stop. “Stop what?” You damn well know what!"
30: Brush off conversation about w/e music he likes
40: Woken OUT of sleep by something, probably Doug.
This goes on for a long time, until finally my biological need for rest overcomes my human dignity and I proceed to sleep in the aisle, the garbage-laden, gum-ridden, stinky-ass aisle. Still, for me it was a 5 star Hilton, as I proceeded to dance with the sandman. In other words, I got some sleep.
Or so I thought, as I woke up to the sensation of being kicked repeatedly in the leg. I tried to ignore it, thinking that if he fails in waking me that he’ll give up. One minute, still going, five minutes, still kicking. Then he starts kicking harder. At one point he got dangerously close to bruising the royal family, at which point I slouch uped and with the voice of a lost soul I uttered: “What?” … “nothing.” AaaaaAaaaRgh! I knew then how Ransom felt in Perelandria. In retrospect, I think nobody would have faulted me for slugging him, but I was not the type to be violent or break any rules back then.
“What will it take for you to leave me alone?” I say in a begging fashion.
He thinks for a while and replies with the fateful line, “Suck my toe.”
What? Yes, his big toe. I’m not sure if he said this because it was the grossest thing he could come up with at the time, or whether it was something much more homo-erotically sinister. In any case, my tiredness had broken my brain at that point, because my response to his outlandish was request was “Yeah sure. It’s just a toe.” Smell, hygiene, sexual matters, these did not matter, for the toe had become my obstacle to overcome, an oral adventure standing in the way of rest.
I get out of the aisle and into the seat. He’s in the window seat. Shoes come off, then socks. Soon enough I’m faced with the foot in all its pale and hairless glory. I start having second thoughts, but they are over-ridden by a stronger feeling of personal auto-pilot. Closer and closer the foot comes to my virgin mouth. There is no smell. There is no feeling. My focus is absolute. The moment came when impact iwas imminate; the podal missile was preparing to enter the oral docking bay. Permission to come aboard was granted, and the toe had breached the last line of defense. A big toe was in my mouth! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Just as my humanity rushes back to me and I comprehend the grossness of this moment, he immediately pulls out. He never said it in words, there were no words, but from his face it was clear that he never expected me to actually do it. Before I can ruminate on the moment, I remember our bargain, which the shitstain fucktard actually kept. I told him to not tell anyone about what happened, he agreed, and I slept well for most of the trip.
It wasn’t until the last hour that I realized he had told everyone on the bus. Of course my bandmates said their lips were sealed, but naturally the whole school knew the next day. For the next two years until my family moved, I was branded a toe-sucker and forever ridiculed and disliked…the end.