My only regret looking back is that I didn’t leave home sooner. Honestly out of all the shit I’ve been through the absolute worst was the emotional abuse. I know other kids have been through worse physically and sexually, but I’m pretty confident that the emotional abuse is as egregious as it gets. I was systematically isolated, terrified, humiliated and degraded on a regular basis. It’s been a decade since I escaped and I still live with the implications of that on some level. People really tend to take for granted concepts like ‘‘self-confidence’’ and ‘‘self-esteem.’’ I never even got that. It took me years just to learn how to feel human.
Your response to meddlers is great. I wish I could do that sometimes. The only other person in my life who understands what my family is like is my Aunt, because she has the same family. Sometimes we just call one another up to bitch about it.
Actually, this is kind of awful, but the other day I called her because I’d been thinking of an incident in our past. I basically left a cheery message on her phone to the effect of, ‘‘I was just thinking about our horrendous family and had a little revelation. Nothing urgent, I’ll talk to you when you have some free time. Have a great day!’’ The incident I wanted to talk about is so shocking to the average person I don’t think it’s appropriate for this thread. And yet when I called her, I was in the most pleasant mood, because after a while you just get inured to it.
My Aunt is MUCH more vocal about people meddling, and she sometimes takes delight in shocking people who meddle and then complain about their own families. She gets downright competitive.
Me, I’m still pretty embarrassed about it, because I think people tend to assume (at least I assume that they do) that the crazy rubs off. That if my family really is that messed up, dangerous and abusive, that means I must be messed up too.
THAT’S the real problem with disclosure–if you tell people you have no relationship with your family, they don’t wonder what’s wrong with your family, they wonder what’s wrong with you.
Maybe I imagine that, but this is how I’ve always felt. It’s a very lonely way to live.
I just don’t want you to feel too trapped by plans and drive yourself crazy over it - plane tickets can get refunded, and your mental health is more important than any deposits or other peoples’ inconvenience. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind to tough it out, and that’s fine - just know that you have an out. People have cancelled weddings before.
We didn’t have kids at our wedding either, and yeah, we got hassled over it. Just stick to your guns and tell people, “No, we’re not having kids at the ceremony - only at the reception, and the subject is closed.” My sister was a half hour late for our ceremony, supposedly because their babysitter was late. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out that it was to teach us a lesson.
I know this thread is old, so sorry for reviving it:) i found it on google. I will answer that its the best thing I ever did. However, I got manipulated to go back into it. I talked to them again for past 12 years or so because of grandparents. But the entire family listens to my parents talking crap about me. The entire family is also against me on any abuse i faced. Im 13 hrs away from them now, but been dealing with things. But this weekend my mom and sister attacked me for no reason online. I didnt hold back. My mom diagnosed me with asbergers (shes a teacher, not psychiatrist mind you) because Im “selfish” and not “empathetic”. She told me she wont speak to me again after all her hate. My sister tried to attack me afterwards so I deactivated that account. There. No one can talk to me. After all Ive been through with them, Im sick of feeling like I have to allow them to abuse me, call me names, etc.
Is it possible though to get an emancipation for adults? I regret going back to their ways, and dont want them to try to find me or stalk me online. They have a history of doing this. It should be illegal.
Only a tiny bit. I cut off my dad in my early 20s because he was an abusive asshole, and the rest of that side of the family got cut off in the process (collateral damage). There’s no way I could possibly explain why I did it to my aunt (his sister) and cousin in a way they would understand. To them, family is everything, no matter how fucked-up it makes you. And I’m not crazy about my aunt, but my cousin got married to a wonderful woman and they have an adorable son I’d like to get to know. That’s really my only regret.
I won’t date guys who think family is everything, not anymore. My most recent ex was a fuckin’ mama’s boy, still living at home at 33. Never. *Again.
*Just noticed this was an old thread. **Spook617, **you can get a restraining order if they are actually threatening you. But if not, then you have to learn how to be strong and resist the temptation to get back in touch. It gets easier over time… well, it has for me anyway.
Yep my ex was that way too. His family controlled everything. It ended up being just like mine. And because of his family’s hatred towards me, we are broke up. I need independent men, family or not.
And yes, collateral damage is a good word to use. Thats what my parents make the rest of my family out to be. Thats what sucks, but i keep telling myself that if they cant use their own brain, maybe its their loss
After a while apart, I guess… you just stop thinking of those people as family (or even people, in some cases–my dad is more of a Vaudevillian caricature to me now than a human being). When I think of “my family,” I think of my sister and my mom and my mom’s cats and her brother, her sister, and their kids. And that’s it. I don’t even have a dad. If he died last month, I’d never even know unless my family found out and told me about it, you know?
I actually briefly reconnected with my brother recently. I’ve always said that while I wouldn’t push him in front of a bus, neither would I risk my life to jump out to push him out from in front of one… but I’d probably yell at him to get outta the way.
So, I saw a bus approaching recently (significantly increased risk of colon cancer on my part, therefore increased risk on my siblings’ part) and dropped him an email. He mentioned a medical condition on his part which may or may not be relevant (not sure if it’s something that runs in families).
And no further contact since then. Using the “bus” analogy, he told me about a bus headed my way when I asked about it. I proactively told him about the bus aimed at him.
I’ve no burning desire to maintain ongoing contact, but at least I know I did the right thing by telling him about the cancer risk.
I thought about that too as Im waiting to hear results of a test. But then, I know they hate me so much that they would never do that for me. If i have contact. Its the same as always with everyone bad. Ill wait for them to change and they never will. I dont think of them as family, but their hatred and resentment of me being born will always hurt. But all the friends I have are more of a family to me than my biological one. So i try to think about that
I don’t know if a Mod is about to close this or if we can ask if it would be ok for updates? Two years have past and it might be interesting to see if or how much posters POV or experiences with family may have changed.
Wow. Some of the posts in this thread are depressing.
For me it’s not so much cutting ties as limiting contact with various family members
…when I hear statements like:
“Next time I see you, you better have joined a church!”
“If you’re going to drink alcohol, don’t do it around me!”
“You need to make sure I don’t have to see that again” (response to my dauther’s boyfriend being the wrong color).
Not breaking ties or anything, just doing what they asked.
I still only speak to one of my sisters. The other two have hired attorneys to make sure that no one else gets 1/10 of what they’ve taken from my parents estate. The nasty racist one is divorcing; her husband left her so he can die alone of cancer.
But you’d have to know her to know that, for him, this is probably the lesser of two evils.
The other is such a mind-f-ck I just won’t let her voice into my head. The way gamblers outta call 1-800-GAMBLER she outta call 1-800-SMARKET. I’m sure her broker thinks she knows everything too… every single time he starts up his new 2012 sports car.
Maybe he can tell her attorney which dealer offers the best premium sports performance package.
Sometimes they’ll call but they only get voice-mail. I’ll only text responses.
They’re not my problem.
I do not regret cutting ties with my father when I did. I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and he sure as hell didn’t do anything to try to make up for being such a dick.
I didn’t send out a group email telling people to leave me the hell alone or anything like that. I’ve simply stopped contacting most of my family or responding to their phone calls or emails. I stay in contact with my aunt and a couple of cousins and my parents and that is about it, and honestly even the contact with my parents is very limited. I friended them on Facebook so that they could see pictures of the baby and about once a month we Skype so they can see their granddaughter but otherwise we don’t talk.
I talked to my cousin last night. We get along great but we don’t talk often enough. I asked him how his older brother R. was doing and he told me his wife has inherited a shitload of money, thrown him out, divorced him and left him with $10,000 and a cheap mobile home. The money was in a trust so he couldn’t contest it. My cousin is in his 70s, in ill health and now practically destitute. But now the brothers are talking every day, where they weren’t before, because she was such a bitch she wouldn’t let them. I want to smack her. He’s supported her for 40 years.
I would cut ties with my father, except he died 25 years ago, saving me the problem.
I did cut ties with my older brother, the one who raped me as a child. When I confronted him a few years back, his response was that I could never understand the paint the that event (as well his raping my younger brother and a several other young boys) has caused him. When I pointed out that this wasn’t an apology, he said he was sorry “that things happened to me.” I’ve told enough out our relatives that I want nothing to do with him ever, and if he shows up at my mother’s funeral, our little secret will no longer be a secret.
My younger brother is homeless and mentally ill, and for some reason thinks that I should be bankrolling his lifestyle. One of the first times this happened was shortly after my son dies, and by brother blamed me for killing my child. I used to block his emails, but then he would get a new address and ask for more money while bringing up my dead son, all in he same email. The latest one said that I were just to give him money, I could learn to forgive myself for killing my child. Now I simply block all freemail.
My right-wing brother-in-low has spent 15 years insulting my political views (liberal), party affiliation (leaning democratic , views on religion (atheist) and even my last name (when making fun of my sister). Even because enough, then he tried to so something funny with my mother’s house. When questioned, he responded with a three page hate-fill diatribe, including a classic. “However, it is readily apparent that since then you have chosen to inserted several large and prickly burrs in your underwear.” Obviously, one does not carry one a conversation with people like this.
I am glad that I found this thread because so many reiterated what I was going through and I felt normal, which does not happen often! I was close to my father, who passed away a few years ago, but my mother was always a different story. She was terrible to my father all my life and is a religious nut obsessed with the end of the world. As children, we were taken to see movies about the Antichrist that involved people getting decapitated, etc and I had nightmares well into my 20s. I found myself working as much as possible or going to school so that I had a reason to avoid family functions. My mom always had some reason to explode and there was never any way of knowing why. When I still lived at home, she used to call me at work or school to tell me that there was ‘an emergency’ only to find out that I had left a towel on the floor or there were particles on the floor. Needless to say, I associate any contact with my mom with a great deal of stress. When my dad was alive, I would occasionally tolerate family functions for his sake, although they were always dreaded. I could handle it then because he would act as somewhat of a buffer, but now that he is gone, dealing with my mom is unbearable. I tried setting boundaries, but she would still drop in at my house and knock incessantly or call at any given hour and every time in talk to her, I am sorry because she always wants something or wants to discuss the end of the world. She literally spends her days looking up end times information online and printing it for people. I even turned off my doorbell and phone because I would get very stressed at the sound of these, assuming it was her all the time. My friends have always told me that they can tell when I’ve been talking to her, even if I don’t mention because my mood changes. I have had to cut ties with other family members too because it is the only way to maintain severed ties with her. I have finally gotten to the point where she is not calling or dropping in, because I don’t answer, and I don’t want the cycle to begin again. Although my relatives do not like her mom, they still invite her to family functions. They do not understand that they only have to put up with her for a few holidays a year, if they choose. Running into her at a family function will start up at least a 6 month cycle of stress for me when she starts dropping in, calling, etc again. It is very uncomfortable to have to tell strangers or dates, ‘I do not talk to my family’. I avoid the subject as much as possible.
For over 10 years I have been separated from my immediate family.
I do not regret cutting ties, not one bit. I am a successful person; professionally employed with the Federal Government, have been promoted several times, am 38 years old, and also a mildly famous artist/wood carver. I am married and have a son.
I have a mentally ill father (medically diagnosed bipolar) and a manipulative mother who thinks she should control the lives of her adult children, and thinks she knows best for everyone else too.
One of the last things that my mother said to me was when I was selling some of my artwork: “Well, at least your hobbies are good for something now.”
My parents wanted me to be a version of me that they envisioned. They did not want to accept who I really was. My mother disapproves of my profession as well as my hobbies. They also frequently projected their problems and viewpoints on me. Since I was from the same “stock” as they would say (kind of like I was livestock), I was destined to be like them.
