My father and I haven’t really gotten along ever since I became a young man, if not well before that point. I feel that we’re just fundamentally, irredeemably “incompatible” as people. We’ve never really had a ‘father-son’ relationship. He doesn’t treat me as a family member, treat or respect me as a man, and doesn’t even treat me as someone he likes. I feel that he is a domineering control freak. Growing up, he was always putting me down, berating me for every mistake I made. He’d even say stuff like "Why did God give me a son like this?!, or “this is why no one wants you!” (I was a loner growing up, and still am). He even through me out of the house once (albeit for a very short period). I joined the military, in large part to get the hell away from him. But when I joined the military, things seemed like they could change- he started treating me better and respecting me more. I really thought that our relationship could be “saved.” But then I went home for Christmas December of 2016, and it was a disaster. Long story short, right before I left he outright told me he doesn’t want me in his house again. I haven’t sent my father so much as a text since January of 2017. Am I justified in cutting my father out of my life completely, forever?
Based on what you’ve posted here, yes you are justified to do so, for now and forever.
There is only one correct response when a parent makes a sincere comment about disowning you, and that is to say “Fuck you, go to hell, I’m never seeing you again”. Whether you say it about him in the privacy of your own mind, or out loud to his face, that’s your business. Just, once you say it, you better mean it and follow through. (By “follow through” I just mean that you never go back for any reason ever.)
Yeah man your Dad sucks. My Dad is sort of a prick too a real narcissist but even he has never said stuff like that to me. We get along more like friends than Father and Son but we do actually get along as long as it’s not more than a few hours or a day at a time.
Did you have an argument at Christmas 2016?
(I agree, btw, you don’t have to be in his life)
There’s the tribe you’re given, and the tribe you make. Some people are more lucky in one regard, than the other.
Your mental health deserves to never be exposed to this influence again. Your mental health must rely entirely upon you to protect it. Do so fiercely.
Wishing you congrats on obtaining your freedom from this, and wishing you great good luck moving forward!
Lots of people go no contact with toxic family members.
The sad reality is a certain percentage of people are just major assholes. I’m not sure what the percentage is, but I’d guess 5-20%. Sooner or later you’ll find an asshole who is a family member.
I don’t think it can be saved. What about your mother or any siblings? Do you want to save a relationship with her/them?
Why do you feel you need to justify your feelings? If being around someone makes you unhappy and you don’t like them you don’t need an excuse to avoid them, regardless of who they are. Unless it’s a work thing and even then you do have the option of finding another job.
Just as a hypothetical, suppose your father showed up tomorrow and wanted to talk. Would you slam the door in his face or would you hear him out and decide where to go from that point?
If you don’t want to reach out to him then that’s fine. There’s no point in perpetuating a toxic relationship and you have to look out for your own interests. Deciding to slam the door in his face, always and forever, is a big step. The fact that it is sometime both necessary and justified doesn’t change that. Is that what you really want?
It sounds to me like you didn’t even cut him out, but the reverse.
Sounds like they’ve already been through the stage for allowing reconciliation and it’s no go.
The question is is he the kind who will hunt you down, and if he is then you need a new address and phone number, and to also cut off everyone who knows him.
Nobody is ever entitled to have a relationship with you independent of how they treat you. It’d be insane to think otherwise.
In your case, never having contact with your father again sounds best. Whether he’s cutting you out or your cutting him out, nobody needs what he offers.
-100% estranged for over 30 years, and never ever going back
You sound justified. I felt the same way at some point in my life, but later I found out he didn’t speak that way about me to others. He actually told others he was proud of me and he was bragging on me. Only near the very end did we come to terms. As well as he was capable of doing he let me know he’d made a lot of mistakes in life. Before then he seemed incapable of ever admitting any faults at all.
If your father speaks to others about you the way he does to you then get him the hell out of your life yesterday.
If you decide to cut him entirely out of your life are you able to evict him from your head too? My father has been dead for years and still infuriates me.
I’d say that you are completely justified in doing what you can in order to live a good life. It sounds like setting boundaries with your father is a good idea. I know that sounds trite, but it hasn’t been good for you and it sounds like it hasn’t been good for him either. Unless the two of you can have a good relationship, why keep ruining the one you’ve got?
At times my father seemed to think that we were supposed to act in one certain way, and he just couldn’t get that his kids were going to grow up and be themselves. When my sister transferred colleges during the hippie era he didn’t even see her to the door. I think that he visited me only once between when I moved out and when I became a parent. He did open up some after he retired (and after Mom almost left him.) I am grateful to him for doing it, but it’s still tempered by the times that he blew up when things just weren’t right and the times that he pointedly wasn’t there for me.
Sometimes, setting boundaries is enough. Sometimes though, “quit your job and move out of state without ever telling anyone what happened, and start a new life with no family and no old friends” is what’s necessary. Depends on what kind of guy the father is.
Marcus, I don’t agree with the attitude people have, but the attitude is there for you to take advantage of - you do have military experience, and even if you currently lack some other advantages, somebody somewhere is going to be willing to give you a shot at a job because of that experience.
Sorry, I was thinking of cutting off ties altogether as a being firmly-established boundary. I probably shouldn’t have used that word.
Yes, totally justified. Life is way too short to put up with the kind of abuse you have described. The fact that he is your father changes nothing.
In the spirit of father’s day, I would be curious to hear your father’s side. For all we know, he was a “control freak” because he wouldn’t let you smoke crack.