Anybody here ever successfully repair a relationship with an estranged parent? Tell me about it.

In My Humble Opinion
1

No, this is not a hypothetical thread. And stop waiting for the poll.

I’m in my early forties, and my dad is in his late seventies. It’s been about 30 years since we got along. There’s a lot of reasons; I won’t get into them here, except to say that there’s been bad behavior on both sides. The only one of my father’s faults I care to name right now is his unwillingness (or perhaps inability) to admit that he is wrong about anything, whether a factual matter or a moral issue. For a while now I’ve been hoping to heal the estrangement between us. But it’s rough going, because of the aforementioned stubbornness, not to mention my own short temper.

Anyway – I’m not looking for advice here. Not exactly. Mostly I’m looking for hope. Have any of y’all accomplished what I am attempting?

**Mod edit:
**Edited title from “Parents” to “Parent” at OP’s request.

  • Gukumatz,
    GR & IMHO moderator.
2

It was nowhere near the level of your situation, but I have gone through two separate just-over-a-year periods during which I did not speak with my father. The first was after he decided not to come to my wedding, 2 weeks before the event, and tried to convince the rest of my family not to go as well, based on his misunderstanding of events. The second was due to his misunderstanding of a situation that occurred when I was 18. He insists that it happened like X and that my reasons were Y but the reality is that it didn’t happen quite like X and my reasons were Z. He assumed the worst of me, claiming that I had conspired with my mother against him to get his money. I hadn’t. I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother at the time, and when I found out what she was doing, I tried to talk her out of it. Anyway, the “why” parts are long and complicated and not important.

The sad part is that he still believes his version of both events.

How I was able to get past it was to decide that I’d rather have a relationship with my dad than not, and that in order for that to happen, I had to just accept that I wasn’t going to change his mind. That meant accepting that my father believed I could have acted in a really vile way against him, which was a lot to swallow, but in the end we agreed that those topics were just off limits for discussion.

I don’t see him very often as he lives many states away and has 5 kids, so he doesn’t travel much, and I can’t afford to travel to see him much. But I talk to him on the phone every month or so. As long as we stay away from talking about the past we get along really well.

So basically it was a one-sided compromise on my part that ended the estrangement. If you want the relationship badly enough, you may have to just allow his bad behavior to stand and just ignore it. :confused:

3

My parents divorced when I was six. When they split up they* really* split up. I had no contact with my dad for over twenty years.

Now, the main difference in our situations as I see it is that my dad’s only “crime” was disappearing and not making any attempt to stay in touch. I’ve read things you’ve written about your dad. You might have more work to do to forgive and forget, with an emphasis on forgetting. For our relationship to work I never, ever get to ask my father what happened in his brain that made it alright to walk away.

It makes the relationship pretty easy, to tell you the truth. It turns out that he and I have similar senses of humor, and ideas about politics, and religion. My expectations of him are nonexistent, and he feels as if he forfeited the right to criticize any of my choices.

I admire your desire to improve the relationship and hope it works.

My relationship with my mom has more in common with yours with your father. The best advice I’ve EVER received regarding dealing with her is, “Don’t go to the hardware store looking for apples.”

You know your father. You know what he’s likely to criticize. You know that reasoning with him is likely to frustrate you. Decide not to be frustrated. (Oh wait, you said no advice.)

Good luck to you.

4

It’s not so much that I don’t want advice; I just don’t want anybody to feel compelled to give it.

5

Feelin’ your pain - and here I thot I was the only person who had nutty stubborn parentage. Clearly not. I’d like to give you hope that a two-way mutual reconcile will happen, and it could, but in all likelihood, OpalCat’s route’s the only one that will work.

I’ve had a couple “near-miss” reconciles with my dad after a 6 year Reign of Silence that started over the stoopidest kerfuffle, seriously, between me and my dad’s wife. She instituted “triangle communication” dragging my clueless father in, and forced him to take sides. It went downhill from there, and then, just cuz the initial stoopid wasn’t stoopid enough, religion got tossed in to add fuel to an already stoopid fire. I’m a person with a very strong faith, and yet every time I’ve attempted to bring grace to the table, grace gets knocked on her butt and shown the door. Cuz, this ain’t about faith. It’s about Who Controls My Dad (and his wallet). Ironically, I have no interest in “controlling” him - I grew up with him. Frankly, whatever’s left when he departs this earth, she’s earned after being with him the last 20 years!

A couple years ago, we almost had a meeting set up for “peace talks”, sabbatoged at the 11th hour by The Wife…and then after my sister’s wedding a year ago last month, when we saw each other for the first time in 5 years, and were both pleasantly well behaved, almost had another peace summit set up…once again sabbatoged by…you know who.

Ultimately, I’ve just learned to let it go. They’ve made it very clear unless me AND my husband adhere to their “rules” about how the relationship is going to be defined, we will remain personae non gratae…which is totally fine with the hub, who’s had just about enough of all this nonsense. I’m in my mid-40s, but apparently I’m still 16 and dumb as a box of wine corks where dad’s concerned. Sort of OpalCat’s situation of X&Y not being the actual reality, but pretty much the only reality there is for dad…encouraged of course by The Wife.

So, in reality, I hope someone posts who’s had success. Currently, you’re at swallow your pride to have some sort of relationship, or let it go and learn to live without him. I wish I could go Opal’s route. But everything in me knows that would be, at least at this point, a further exercise in futility. I’m pretty much at peace with it, but I do hope someday…

Good luck, man, however you proceed.

6

My dad and I didn’t talk for 5 years. Hes in NZ, Im in Oz which didnt help.

Finally I seriously tried to contact him again, and he didn’t make it easy. Over time I visited, but probably the real thing that made the difference was him having heart surgery and me being there, and then a year later coming over when the second major earthquake in NZ happened, and I got him out of Christchurch, he was literally in the middle of the disaster zone.

The main part was probably just us sitting in a car driving along together, we hadn’t done anything like that in decades. So while ordering an earthquake is a tough gig, I guess the take home message is a shared emotional experience, or better yet a few is your best bet, as well as just hanging in there, because overall its taken years. Similarly to OpalCat, I just try to forget ‘who was wrong’ stuff even if he doesn’t, its too long ago to matter, and its not the really important thing now anyhow.

And yes things might change again, but it finally feels different, and Im pretty sure its likely to go on that way.

Otara

7

Why do you want to rekindle this relationship? For his benefit? For yours? For the benefit of Zeus? Because you think you “should”? You need to analyze your motives before you can begin to answer this question. I really think it’s an excellent question to take to a therapist, though. Even if you don’t have a regular therapist, it might be a good idea to start seeing one to prevent yourself from becoming saddled with regret after he dies.

FWIW, I haven’t repaired a relationship with an estranged parent, but then I don’t want to–I’m the one who did the estranging. My advice is: if an active relationship is not benefiting either one of you, it really is okay to just let it go.

8

My own sake, of course. In a complicated and quite unRandian way, I don’t believe anyone does anything except for selfish motives. If, say, I stop on the road to help a stranded motorist, I’m ultimately being selfish, because I enjoy helping people; it makes me feel good.

9

Analysing ones motives in detail as a starting point is not something all therapists would recommend, it would be more a psychodynamic perspective on how to deal with these kinds of issues.

Many other therapies would not see a particular need to question the desire to repair a damaged relationship or even an inherent need for therapy, unless other factors were present, eg significant child abuse, significant clinical distress etc.

Otara

10

I’m not a therapist, much less all therapists. Glad we could clear that up.

11

We’re sort of working on it right now, my dad and I. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes, not so much. But what my ad and I have between us is more like long periods of silence. My mother was the boss in our family and too many times my dad never stuck up for me, even a little, to defend me from her craziness. And he’s a user, and lazy. But these, while character flaws, can be dealt with, i suppose. And so when we meet we stick to light topics and laugh together and never, ever touch the deeper topics.

I don’t know if mom and i could have ever reconciled.

12

I’m not estranged from my mother, and these days we get along quite well, but there are certain topics that we will never, ever discuss. Ever. We each have our beliefs about certain events in our shared history, and we won’t ever agree on those beliefs, because they’re not really “compromise-able.” So we simply have a mutual unspoken agreement to never speak of these things. It’s the only way we are able to maintain a relationship. (Which is oddly congenial, btw. We love one another dearly, and get along, despite the hurtful things in the past.)

Maybe not what you’re looking for, but it has worked for us.

13

interesting topic, since I tried to get my wife and her family (specifically her father) talking again.

I just erased a lot of info that bogged down the answer. My only advice is that you are going to have to accept your parent AS-IS. There will be no compromising. You either let what is bothering you go, or don’t bother with the relationship. It will depend on how important it is for you to have a relationship with your parent, and how much you can swallow and still look at yourself in the mirror.

My wife, for example, can’t ignore the things her parents did… the pain they put her through. And that’s her decision, not mine. So I’ve also learned that my trying to bridge the gap was pointless and only created tension between my wife and me.

Her parents, her choice. Even though my intentions were good (I believe she needs some sort of closure with her father before he dies), ultimately, she has to be the one to deal with the things that kicked this off in the first place. If you aren’t ready to do that, then I’d suggest not pursuing it right now.

If you are ready to accept your father/mother for what they are/were, and you can stay away from the past, good luck. remember, you being ready doesn’t guarantee that your parent(s) will be.

Best of luck.

14

I’ve had a fundamentally broken relationship with my mother for a while now, and I’ve gotten to the point where I honestly don’t care if our relationship is fixed. Our issues are pretty specific, so I won’t bore you with any details, but I’ll say that sometimes, the little lost 10 year old kid in me wants a relationship with a normal mom, but every time I let her in, she does things that simply cannot be avoided or ignored, and thus I cut off contact again.

If you feel that you can at all ignore or avoid your dad’s negativity, and you feel that both he and you have something positive to bring to the relationship, I say go for it - if for no other reason than to know that you’ve tried all you can.

15

I’m in a strange place with my father - not estranged, but very strained.

I moved from Texas to California three years ago primarily to help take care of him. It was less about him than it was about the stress I heard in my mom’s voice when she described his latest health crisis.

The good news is that we’ve managed to keep him out of the hospital and minimize his ER visits, blood pressure spikes, and complications. The bad news is that he’s crumbling away, bit by bit, and there’s very little left of the man I knew growing up.

My champion, my rock, my safe haven from the world no longer exists. (He showed up once, very briefly, while I was having a panic attack, and held me for a few minutes. Just that little bit made me cry with happiness.) What I have instead is a bitter shell who no longer reads, works on projects, enjoys new movies or television shows, or holds a coherent conversation. What I have is a little man who is jealous of every prerogative he thinks is owed to him - deference, obedience, respect, and full attention at the drop of a hat. The worst part is, I know inside of that is an even smaller man, terrified of death, horribly lonely, and wishing he understood why the end of his life was not what he ordered. I can’t reach that little man. My few attempts left me feeling like I’d pulled back a bleeding stump.

When I interact with him, I make sure it’s with a smile and a gentle tone of voice. I try to make light jokes with him. When I can’t, I leave the room. If I can’t leave the room, I clamp down on what I’m feeling and just bull through. I remind myself that I do this out of love for my father, who isn’t really with me anymore. I do this in his memory, I do this for my mother, and I do this for my own piece of mind. Because the idea of a frightened, lonely man dying alone and uncomforted breaks my heart.

I don’t know what to tell you, Skald, other than, if you can find a way to connect with your father, do it now before he’s gone. Find some common ground that binds you with positive feelings - your step-daughter, other family, fishing or whatever hobby he enjoys. Build up and store those times, because they are a treasure. Make the effort you need to make so you can look yourself in the eye when he’s gone.

16

I tried to repair a strained relationship with my mother, without success. Mum vanished from my life when I was 19 and I didn’t know where, or even if, she was living for about three years. I had minimal contact for about ten years after that and it never felt natural. Never.

She died just over ten years ago and I received a scrap of paper in the post about a week later, saying “my solicitor said I should let you know that I’ve changed my Will …” Game playing to the last.

17

My grandfather is your father. His family is attempting to repair relationships with him 8 times a month. It’s a revolving door of repairing relationships. What helped his temperament the most was failing health and a feeling of impending mortality. He still pushes hard on the limits of my willingness to compromise, but the stubborn line-in-the-sand bullheaded insistence on nuclear annihilation agree with me or perish in HELLFIRE tone is toned down enough to be tolerable. It took not wanting to die alone for him to relent. If he was the same now as 15 years ago, I simply wouldn’t be able to tolerate him.

18

A word of warning. I was essentially estranged from my grandfather (my last living grandparent) for years and years. It was my fault–I had been bad as a child about sending thank-you cards and spotty about it as an adult. In my early 20s he stopped communicating with me and I didn’t make much effort to communicate back. Then when Dominic was 2 or 3 years old, I decided I wanted him to meet my grandfather, and wanted to get back in touch with him and have him be part of my family again. I arranged to visit him (I lived in the DC area, he lived in Connecticut) on my way to New Hampshire one summer. We had a very nice visit and he got to know Dominic a little.

I sort of considered the ball to be in his court at that point, having extended the olive branch. This was a mistake. He never contacted me again, and as more and more time went by, it got more and more uncomfortable for me the idea of contacting him again. As a result I never spoke to him again before he died, and I really regret that.

I’m not saying that you’ll regret it if your father dies while you’re still estranged. For some people it’s more healthy to cut ties. But in my case, I still feel guilty and bad that I didn’t get back in touch with my grandfather or make more effort to fix things between us.

19

My mother has borderline personality disorder and was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child. I legally emancipated from her when I was 17. Then I came out about the abuse of her husband, and she reacted sometimes by blaming me and sometimes by trying to convince herself and others that I was mentally ill. She continued to remain married to my abuser and to be emotionally abusive until I was 23 and broke things off with her for a year.

It wasn’t a good situation between us, is what I’m saying. But we’ve always had an intense relationship, and a part of that intensity was the deep affection we have toward one another. After she divorced, she said she wanted to start over, and I did resume a relationship with her.

And it was hard. Hard avoiding the past patterns of behavior. Hard not assuming the worst of her intentions. I didn’t stop being afraid of her even though her behavior changed. I’ve made some major mistakes over the last few years by assuming rumors about her are true and getting caught up in the family drama cycle that always blames my mother for everything that goes wrong. Because of the past, we are conditioned, as a family, to expect the worst from her. Only in the last year have I even been aware of that dynamic existing and taken steps to break the cycle. I also really screwed up by assigning myself as the sole guardian of her well-being, taking on responsibility for her happiness and sublimating my own mental health needs. Hitting the right note in our relationship is a constant process of unlearning old stuff and learning new ways to deal with the old stuff that still exists.

She still struggles with mental illness, but she has changed in her willingness to take responsibility for her actions. She’s getting help. She has apologized profusely for my childhood. She respects my boundaries. She treats me with love and affection and we have good times together. To this day I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I tell her something I know she won’t want to hear - I still anticipate the worst, even though the worst never comes. Making this decision to keep her in my life has resulted in a lot of pain, a lot of misunderstandings and mixed signals, but also a lot of growth and a sense of closeness and honesty with my mother I have never had before. So in my opinion, it’s worth it.

But don’t expect it to be easy.

20

Hi, all. I just wanted to pop into the thread to make it clear I appreciate all your input. I’m reading everything, just not commenting.

Thanks.