Talk to me about family estrangement

In My Humble Opinion
1

Since the posters here come from such varied backgrounds and have such a range of experiences and opinions, I thought this might be a good place to ask:

Have any of you had any experience with estrangements? I’m not really talking about ex-spouses, though I suppose if anyone wants to share any hard-earned wisdom from that avenue I’ll certainly be happy to read it. But I really mean estrangement between family members, and I’m particularly interested in parent-child rifts.

(Was it your idea or was it thrust upon you? Was there a reconciliation attempt down the road? and did it work?)

Why, yes, I do have ulterior motives in asking…
I’m OK with sharing why I’m asking, too, but I wasn’t so much starting a pity-me thread (I hope) as I was looking for some outside perspective.

I could really use a little advice here. Maybe those smart Boomers from the why-age-and-experience-makes-you-wiser thread would like to chime in…?

2

The most famous rift in my family was between my mother and her oldest sister, who didn’t talk for more than 15 years after the sister made a slighting remark about my haircut (I was 7 at the time). Guess that’s not really responsive to your question, though.

3

My brother hasn’t talked or communicated with our Mother for about 4 years. All because he has a chip on his shoulder.

Mom and I have done everything we can to repair whatever is wrong but he won’t talk to me either. That has driven my brother and I (my best friend) apart as well. We haven’t talked in 3 years. It’s kinda tough as he lives right next door to my Dad. Makes for interesting visits.
Don’t think I can be of much help as I have not been able to fix things for my family. My mother is miserable and heartbroken. We all use to be very close.

4

I’ve been estranged from my father for 11 years now, although our relationship was never very close since my parents’ divorce.

I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve never lacked positive male role models in my life, so I don’t think I missed out on much. I still speak to my grandparents and aunts and uncles on that side of the family, although we all stay awkwardly silent on the subject of my dad.

My sister, on the other hand, still carries a lot of resentment and anger for him. It makes me sad for her, that she feels the need to carry around that burden.

I doubt I’ll ever seek a reconciliation. I don’t know what the benefit would be for me, since I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by not having him around. He’s a stranger.

5

My two uncles ( mom’s brothers) didn’t speak to each other for 40+ years.

Because the Dutiful Uncle enlisted for WW2 and saw action, awarded medals, came home alive and was always invisible to his parents. After a few years back from the war, left the state and started his own business in the swampland that is Florida.

The Eldest and Most Perfect Uncle ran away to Alaska ( which was not a state at the time and avoided all service somehow, not really sure what exactly happened and how he did not get into trouble with the Government) but came home a farking hero to my grandparents.

This same Most Perfect Uncle moved and started a competitve business in Florida and got alot of business off of his younger brother’s success and being established there. (By using a very recognizable family name.)

They saw each other at my grandmother’s funeral and everyone was thrilled at the reunion. It was the first time for me to meet The Perfect Uncle and I said something like, " 50 states to the union and you have to move within 50 miles of your younger brother and start a competing business. huh… (except with more teenage assholery on my part. I think that is the only time I ever talked to him, now that I think about it.)

Just because you are blood related to someone does not mean you are automatically friends. If someone keeps crapping on you and you are suppose to look the other way unconditionally because they are family, well, it is time to get a new bunch to hang round who understand respect, encouragement and reciprocity. It will save you alot of grief in the future. My closests friends are all black sheeps in their families.

6

I have had nothing to do with my father most of my life. He visits my big brother occasionally but we have no love for each other. He even told one of my friends (that he was trying to hook up with, btw) that I wasn’t really his daughter.

There’s no doubt I’m his daughter, unfortunate as it is.

He’s a lazy dead-beat loser who left my mother to tend to the children while he screwed every woman who would have him. She never said one cross word about him either. I saw all this on my own. He never paid a dime of child support and didn’t care a bit about seeing us when we were young. I don’t know why my brother cares to see him now, but I know he expects to hand him a “loan” before the visit is finished.

When my mother passed fifteen years ago, I considered myself an orphan.

7

Thanks, all - I really appreciate the openness and honesty.

If you don’t mind me asking … could you tell us a little about this “chip” your brother has on his shoulder? I understand that it’s personal and that you may not want to share details.

But one man’s chip on his shoulder is another man’s legitimate greivance.

This actually got right to the heart of what I was looking for without even realizing it when I started the thread.

Your brother has resisted your mother’s efforts … and he’s resisted your efforts (plus, you said you used to be close, so I can assume your efforts meant something) … and he’s resisted the standard societal pressure to have a Norman Rockwall picture postcard family … and he lives right next door to his father, who I presume has said one or two words on the subject …

All that to me sounds like more than a light, casual decision. Is it a matter of stubbornness? Like, if he caved now he’d have to admit “defeat,” or that he was wrong?

8

My two sisters and I are all estranged from my father. Each estrangement happened independently, and years apart from each other.

I was the first and I cut him off. To make a very long story short, we never got along and I deeply hated him as a child and adult. We all were afraid of him as little kids, because of his rapid mood-swings and anger – well, rage – problems, but I in particular was his disfavorite, due to being overweight and other factors. When I went to college, we stopped speaking for six months due to a particularly bad fight. We reconciled briefly after that as my parents separated, then divorced, and I wanted to give him a chance to see if we could start a new relationship. He remarried to a shallow, insensitive woman I disliked. Eventually, a nasty angry fit on his part sparked by a non-issue (a lack of sympathy card when his father died, despite the fact that we were there at his house helping out every day that week) combined with his constant negativity and backhanded comments pushed me to write him a succinct letter demanding family therapy or no contact. Therapy did not work out because every time I would bring up an issue from the past – be it a year ago or ten years ago – he said he did not remember and wouldn’t discuss it. Finally, therapy fizzled out and I stopped seeing him.

My second sister was also in the family therapy sessions but continued to see him as she was still in college and reliant on the divorce agreement which stated she would spend X time with him and he would cover X amount of her college. He was an utter ass about her choice of major – she went into music education – and not only gave her an earful about how stupid it was every time he saw her, he also went through and line-item vetoed anything related to her specific major on her university bill. The new wife became an increasing issue and started to say nasty things about our mom (who she never met) and about all of us kids. The rift was there but she couldn’t really walk away for monetary reasons. Eventually my father just stopped responding to her calls/emails for long periods. The last time she corresponded with him, he sent her an email instructing (not asking) her to show up for dinner on a certain date a few days ahead – when she had been in Australia for four months already and would be there for several more. She sent him a curt response. She never bothered contacting him again and he never contacted her again.

My youngest sister just went through the estrangement recently. She had been determined to maintain the relationship and put up with a huge amount of anger or just neglect (from Dad) and lies and deceit (from his new wife). He moved out of state so it was easier just to maintain the email relationship, but things continued to get more and more hostile because of the new wife taking letters and emails before Dad could even read them. It seemed pretty clear, from a variety of reasons, that the stepmother was sabotaging so that Dad would focus on her three kids instead. This woman would regularly call up and chew out my sister for the smallest of offenses – say, a Father’s Day card was a day late – while Dad would barely bother to contact her, and certainly stopped sending cards or gifts (though my sister was still expected to do so). My sister bore it stoically until she got engaged. She realized that this woman would undermine her as much as possible until – after much gut-wrenching discussion with everyone – she decided not to invite them to the wedding. She sent Dad (directly) an email explaining in very civil terms about things that had happened, and that she was not angry, but just that there was too much difficulty between Dad and his new family and our family for things to work. She apologized deeply and said she hoped he’d understand. She got a response from the stepmother – from Dad’s email account – listing every one of of her perceived (and often imaginary) mistakes and missteps in their relationship, accusing her of trying to split Dad and her up, and all kinds of ridiculous things. She instructed my sister never to contact any of them again. This woman then forwarded her email to all of her kids (!) and they all got on Facebook and filled my sister’s wall with harassing, nasty messages. My sister still gave it one more shot and emailed Dad, at work this time, asking why all of this happened and if it was true that she should never contact him again. He never responded.

Yeah, my dad’s kind of an asshole. I’m glad I wrote him off when I did and we’re much, much, much happier without him. My new stepdad is an awesome guy who has really stepped into the role of being our dad and treats us with nothing but love and kindness, and I seldom even think about my biological father anymore. Also, the wedding was delightful.

I realize I’m biased but I will never for the life of me understand why people put up with decades of abuse just because someone is genetically related to you. I’m not talking about teenage vs. parent angst or someone who gets old and cranky, but if someone is a cruel bastard all of their life, they do not deserve a family’s love. Cut 'em and walk.

9

My brother and I have barley spoken for nearly 20 years, no major argument, nor a dramatic falling-out storey; his life went one direction and mine another. I don’t regret it much, except it grieves my mother that we’re not close. She was an only child and had unreasonable ideas about what it would be like to have siblings. You can’t play children off each other, force them compete and then also be friends.
Oddly, in light of that last sentence, I’m fairly close to my parents.

10

My mother was practically a recluse. She drove away her brothers and sisters.(there were 5 brothers and 4 sisters) She actually shut the door in their face when they came by to visit. She pretty much ignored me and my brother for years at a time. Every couple years I would drop by and see if she needed anything. She might be OK. She might be bitchy, or cold. I do not know the payoff she got for that. But sometimes you can do nothing except occasionally signal that you are there and receptive.

11

I don’t have contact with my father. Since he left my mother a few years ago, he has mostly only maintained contact when he wanted something. There was a last straw, and after a lot of crying on my part, and writing an email I didn’t send, and consulting with my mother and my brother, I just stopped replying to my father’s attempts to contact me. He hasn’t tried in a few years.

My mother occasionally tortures herself by googling him, then sends information to me about what he’s doing, which drives me crazy. I don’t want to know.

Underlying all of this is a long history of depression, alcohol abuse, and other compulsive behaviours. If he were to get sober, kick the gambling etc, and get treatment for depression, I would love to have him back in my life. As it is, I am grieving a man who is still alive (for as long as his goddamn liver holds out.)

12

I have the same relationship with one of my sisters. If we are in the same place at the same time, we make idle chit chat. But I seldom call her and she seldom calls me.

For us its mostly an age difference thing - we were six years apart - far enough apart not to have really grown up together. And a compatibility thing - she is a very different person than I am and so there hasn’t been either common experience or common interests to build on.

I don’t dislike her. I wish her the best. And I helped her out of a jam a few years ago, running to her aid when she needed a lot of help.

13

I have a hot and cold relationship with my older sister. Frankly, she’s a hot-tempered control freak. We regularly go through periods where she won’t speak to me for months over very little. Like last year, when I was unemployed and she was really nasty about it a couple of weeks before my birthday. Didn’t speak to me for two weeks, then she called me on my birthday. I didn’t pick up the phone, because I didn’t want to hear more of the same on my personal holy day. She didn’t speak to me for four months after that.

When I moved this spring, she helped, but then was ever so nice enough to make insulting comments about how much stuff I had and how filthy my last apartment was - in front of my friends. Then not speak to me for over a month for whatever reason.

Over the years, after coming close to disowning her on several occasions, I’ve learned not to stress about it (as much). She’s the one creating the drama, stress and ill will, and I don’t have to play a part in it. If she wants to be a part of my life (and vice versa), then fine, if she doesn’t, then that’s also fine. But at the same time, I really do not have to put up with the shit or feel guilty about her stomping off because I dare to defend myself (or others).

14

I was estranged from my brother for about 10 years. He got mad at my parents, who were raising his kid while he was a drifter. I sided with my parents and he wouldn’t talk to any of us, just call and talk to his kid. Eventually the kid grew up, joined the marines, and we all forgot we were estranged.

I’m currently estranged from my sister for a year because she got into a Zen group and actively wants to convert me from our family’s life-long atheism. Since she married someone she met there, I doubt she will go back to the person I knew.

15

Casual? It’s not a light and casual decision on my brothers part. It’s deliberate. He wants to hurt his mother in the worst way he can because she dared to question his decisions.

Shes 80 years old for Christ sake. What kind of a man does that?

Defeat?

My mother has tried to bury the hatchet, put this behind us, water under the bridge and what ever other phrase you can come up with for 4 years.

No one is asking anyone to cave. How about a discussion? My brother refuses it. The only one that has already caved here is my Mother. If my brother has a grievance he should bring it to light.

I have spent many, many hours thinking about why my brother has abandoned the family, and I think it comes down to this… You don’t dare tell him that he has made a bad decision. That is the chip. Our Mom worries about her children as Moms are suppose to do.

Mom brought up the bad, bad choices that he was making. The same bad choices again and again. How many times does the Sheriff, Fire Department and EMS have to come to his house before that is clear?

It frustrated all of us. Instead of trying to talk about it to any of us, he disowned her. Abandoned her. That’s my brother.

I have a big weekend ahead of me. A sick dog on my hands a 30th high school reunion to go to, a mom and dad and cousins to see. And a few hundred miles to travel. My Wife will be by my side. It’s called family. My brother refuses to be part of it. Sometimes, it takes a little work.

16

I haven’t spoken to my mother in 22 years. I’m just holding up my part of the bargain. I have no idea whether or not she’s still alive; no one I know has any interaction with her.

My sister hated our father for not contacting us from (her) age nine to, well, forever, for all we know. I tracked him down when I was in college and formed an odd relationship; technically, I was kind of pissed at him for the zero child support and total non-existence during my childhood, but I’d basically never see him as a child, whereas my sister, a couple of years older, did have a father for a few years before he disappeared. I just had no emotional connection to him or to the concept of “father,” so I didn’t notice the loss.

ETA: My sister’s wedding was weird; all of her friends were in the wedding party, and I walked her down the aisle, and then sat on the bride’s side of the hall. Very much alone. (My mother’s family disowned her for marrying someone who wasn’t Chinese, so we basically grew up with one relative: a mother who really disliked us.) People eventually rearranged themselves so the hall didn’t look so lopsided, but I still have the image of looking behind me and seeing half of room with empty seats.

17

I’ve been estranged from one of my brothers pretty much all my life (I’m now 35). There are three kids in our family, my eldest brother, the middle brother and me. My middle brother and me have never gotten along. I used to very upset about it as a child, and it had a big negative influence on my life, but I guess after a while I got desensitized.

Since leaving home, we’ve just had nothing to do with each other. He phoned me for my 21st birthday and we had a short weird conversation, and he came to my wedding a few years ago, but all we said was ‘Hello’ to each other and then went back to ignoring each other.

We have never been unpleasant to each other as adults, we just simply aren’t a part of each other’s lives. I think it must be harder for families where siblings are openly hostile with each other. I do, from time to time, feel bad about it for my parent’s sake as I know they wish we got along.

Would I ever seek to reconcile with him? No, I don’t see any purpose, to be honest. I don’t see why siblings should have to be the best of friends, and we’re both leading very different lives in completely different parts of the world, so any ‘reconciliation’ would need to be phone-based.

What if he approached me for a reconciliation? Well, it would be nice to hear him apologise for the way he treated me when we were children. Yes, I know we were only children, but he was extremely horrible to me in ways I’m not going to detail here. I was never horrible to him, and he held a position of power over me in a way that meant we were never on an equal footing. So, I’d be happy to hear his apology and agree to let by-gones be by-gones, but I can’t see the relationship ever becoming more than regular emails.

18

I had the oddest estrangement in the world with my elder brother for well over a decade. We were very close throughout our childhood and early adulthood; we were in a blues band together, we double dated even. I gave up the band when I was in college because, well, it was a nice and lucrative hobby but I did not want to build my life around it. He continued with the music, did the college circuit with a couple bands. He was busy with drinking and drugs. Over some time and much drama it became apparent that this was not likely to get better.

We lived two doors down from each other. Eventually I would no longer let him in my house. We saw each other at holidays and family get togethers but otherwise I sadly and with great regret wrote him off as my brother was no longer in that body as far as I could tell.

Still, during all this ten or so years, I more or less regularly left him a meal on his doorstep (or gave it to him if he was home). And during all this ten years I never had to mow my lawn as the lawn mowing elf from two doors down did it for me, when I was not home. None of this was ever discussed. My husband called them secret messages of love, which I suppose they were. I loved my brother right along, as I still do. The estrangement had nothing to do with that and did not affect it. But this did not mean that I was able to maintain an ordinary relationship with him under those conditions.

Then many things happened and my brother gave up the life. He had to go back to school and change careers as literally everyone he knew was still in the life. He has now been clean for four years and we are beginning to rebuild that old trust.

My husband is now estranged from his own brother, they have a similar extremely limited, ringed round with boundaries kind of contact. There is hope that with the passage of time they can work it out, but there is no knowing which way it will go.

So what I will say is that I am glad that I never shut the door completely, and equally glad that I drew very firm boundaries. Life involves all kinds of changes and in many ways we are all on a journey – no telling when or where somebody will show up at one of the crossroads.

19

My ex wife was estranged from her mother, starting on the day we got married. The mother had a variety of mental problems that made her insufferable, and she messed up the wedding day a bit.

I was always concerned that my ex would regret this decision. Last year the mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers on top of everything else, and my ex went to see her. They had a form of confused reconciliation.

Last month, the mother died suddenly, and after this my ex was suddenly able to remember the good stuff that happened before the mental illness, and was devastated. I made the point to her that, despite all that had happened, her mother’s conditions made her impossible to maintain a relationship at the time they were estranged, and she should not feel guilty about a decision she had good reason to make.

I do feel that, had they not met up last year, the effect on my ex would have been far worse.

20

I agree with this, fluiddrud; I do not think that just because you are related to someone in a biological sense that this shared DNA gives rise to an immediate obligation; it is not in and of itself enough justification for a social relationship.

My sister and I are estranged from our biological father.

I see no reconciliation down the road. My mom basically raised me and my sister by herself, worked a full time job, drove us to our numerous activities, and paid 100% of our college tuition and expenses. My biological father barely did anything. In fact, when my mother filed for divorce, my biological father basically played dirty and milked her for all she was worth and then used the settlement money and spousal support (blood money, I call it) to finance luxurious vacations with his girlfriend, luxury car for himself, luxury apartment, etc. Not a single cent or single minute went towards raising my sister or me. Clearly we were at the very bottom of his list of priorities. What a slap to the face.

Personally, I don’t care that I don’t have a father figure in my life. My biological father was a narcissistic, bad tempered, verbally abusive, despicable, and irresponsible person. My mom provided everything that I needed and could have ever wanted. However, I am furious that he put my mom through such hell during their marriage and during the divorce proceedings; it took a toll on her health and mental state. I don’t dwell on it, but I won’t forgive him, either.