Talk to me about family estrangement

In My Humble Opinion
21

My wife and our family has no relations with her father. I’ve posted about it in the past. Basically, he is a pathological liar who uses money to control people. The clearest manifestation of his habitual dishonesty is that when my wife was 23 she learned her dad had another wife and 2 teenaged kids living one town over.

Over the years he’s done many things to reflect that he cares more for that family than my wife’s. Couple of examples: boxes of photos from my wife’s youth ended up in her half-sister’s possession and never made it to my wife; various properties were deeded to those kids name only. . .

We tried any number of different ways to maintain a relationship with him, but we’ve found that by far the best relationship is none. Every once in a while he sends my wife or our kids a nasty letter. We will be happy when he is dead.

22

I am estranged from my real mother. Neither of us are mad at each other, we were just kept apart once I found out who she was, and now we haven’t talked in fifteen years. I made an effort to look up her recently, but was unable to locate her. No one knows where she is right now.

I was estranged from my adoptive parents - my aunt and uncle - for a good many years, for very valid reasons. I was the one who made the overtures. We’ll never be close - that trust is completely gone. I won’t let her into my life that far. But we talk, occasionally.

Family is what you make of it, I have always felt.

23

See, this really bothers me. If he hasn’t told you his grievance, you don’t know why he’s mad, and I’m sure this is exactly what my family thought about me for a long time, with my oh so wounded mother/drama queen telling everybody what a rotten selfish daughter I was. They didn’t know the truth and what was really happening behind the scenes.

I don’t know the situation with your brother. Maybe he really is just a dick. Or maybe he’s been hurt badly enough that he really doesn’t want to talk about it.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t go back to you either, I admit, with your claims on how it is deliberate and how he is setting out to hurt everyone. That does not sound like a welcoming family atmosphere to me - it sounds like when I go back, I will be blamed for everything.

Please don’t think I am picking a fight. I am just trying to show how it looks from the side of the estranged family member, when the whole family is united against them.

24

Oh, wow. Uh, excuse me…I must’ve gotten something caught in my eye. The janitors really need to stop chain-smoking around my desk.

25

Brother #2 (of 3, all older than me) was estranged from the parents off and on for many years. He has (IMHO) some psychological issues - he’s a bully, narcissistic personality disorder perhaps, verbally abusive to the entire family (occasionally physically - hitting), has never maintained a long-term relationship or held a job for more than 3-4 years. Superficially charming, bright and very well educated, but I guess the personality issues always surface after a bit.

At one point, he wrote a letter to the 'rents telling them he wished no further contact with them. Addressed them as Mr / Mrs. Zappa… blaming them for everything that had ever gone wrong in their life. At some point he reconciled with them and we began seeing him on holidays again but he was still verbally abusive. My mother never gave up on him though - not a healthy dynamic.

His behavior toward the rest of us did not improve after my mother died (Dad had passed on some years earlier). Why no, we do NOT maintain contact with him, why do you ask? I wouldn’t push him in front of a bus, and I might even warn him if he was about to step in front of one. Or I might not notice it coming.

26

I might be in the process of becoming estranged from my siblings. There’s been no big blow-up or anything. It’s just that any phone call with them leaves me depressed for days. They seem to view me as a free therapist and spend the entire conversation moaning about how they hate their jobs, or detailing their medical problems (most of which are self-induced due to smoking, over-eating and never exercising). We still e-mail a little, and talk on holidays, but I’m much happier if I don’t converse with them.

27

My mom hasn’t spoken to her sister and one brother for 17 years. When Grandma got sick, they didn’t want to get involved, they never called her or visited. At this point, she has no interest in reconnecting. She lives in another county and those two siblings are somewhat strange in opposite manners. My aunt is a bit dramatic and temperamental. My uncle is the opposite. He is completely aloof and lives in his own world.

28

I kind of feel this way about my brother. We are 6 1/2 years apart and as different as people could possibly be. We don’t have much to talk about and he is incredibly racist which is something I don’t like being exposed to so I end up walking away from conversations with him about 50% of the time. I sent him a Juniors Cheesecake for his birthday this year and got nothing from him on my birthday two months later, which isn’t a huge deal but he didn’t even call me or anything and that hurt a little bit. I don’t think he and I will ever be close and sometimes I wish we made a bit more effort but most of the time I think it is probably for the best that he and I don’t have much contact.

29

I suppose my estrangement ended yesterday or the day before. I got a quick phone call telling me our father died. He was a class A son of a bitch and a child molester. I had not spoken to him in 23 years. Actually, I’ve only spoken to one person on that side of the family since then, my uncle, who never harmed anyone but himself. When my paternal grandmother died, they wanted me to contact them, I wasn’t sure why, but declined. They listed me in the obituary by my maiden (by 9 years) name.

I checked the online newspaper where he lived. No obituary yet. From what I understand, not even my brother is heading up. He’ll probably get a paupers funeral. He died alone, addled and from what I understand, pretty filthy. Works for me.

I didn’t speak to my mother for 2 years because it became too painful. I told her if she didn’t have anything nice to say, to stop calling. I had moved away from home and she would call every day and drive me to tears.

Of course, I was the asshole. Then again, I always am. I’ve often considered myself the canary in the coal mine of our family. While the effects may not be apparent to others, I am the one that has suffered visibly. While my family does want a relationship with me, it is hard for me because it isn’t a relationship based on reality. I have to pretend too much didn’t happen. I have to close my eyes to how I was treated. I have to pretend that I wasn’t physically and mentally abused by both my mother and brother.

The fact is, I do maintain relations with them. I wish I could have real relationships, but I suppose I have to reserve that for my friends.

For the record, the rest of my relationships aren’t as dysfunctional. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. Maintain several long term friendships. Have a good reputation as a person and employee. If I was what they say, none of those things could begin to be true.

Maybe, just maybe, the overtures aren’t being reciprocated because what is being offered, isn’t what is needed.

30

My sister and mother were estranged for 17 years, at which point my mother died. I guess I was estranged from here for a couple of those years, as we didn’t speak. Then she caught pneumonia and nearly died, and I decided I didn’t want it all to end that way, so we reconciled. It was always a bit of an uneasy relationship after that, though.

My mom was kinda nuts. Quite paranoid, quick to anger, good at holding a grudge, heavy drinker (although from all I’ve been able to tell, she quit drinking after she and my dad divorced. Go figure.) Also, my sister, unlike me, was an accident, and my mom didn’t treat her at all well (she’d always been fine with me). Eventually, my dad left her, mainly over the issue of her treatment of my sister, and got full custody. I got drawn in early on, and the fact that I saw my dad as being in the right didn’t sit too well with my mom, which led to our temporary rift. My mom and sister never spoke to each other again.

Now that I’m an old fart, and have been in the parenting game a long time myself, I see how unbearably sad this whole thing was. I don’t think I did anything wrong, exactly, but had I had my current view of life, I think I would have done better.

I don’t think my sister feels quite the same way, as she was a child/adolescent, and suffered a good bit. And, unlike me she’s not a parent. But underneath she’s a soft touch, so who knows what she really feels? It’s not something I feel justified in probing.

What I’m getting at is that the pain my mom felt must have been absolutely excruciating. If I were estranged from my children (which, I might add, is not a likely scenario), it would be a crushing blow, and it would be worse on my wife. My mom was a pain in the ass, but she wasn’t evil, and adults have the tools to deal with pains in the ass. Should have, anyway. I could have done worse, but I could have done better, and maybe so could my sister. Death removes the possibility of finding out, though.

31

My mother was estranged from her sister over a bitter dispute concerning money. In essence, a relation started a business which was (for awile) very successful; everyone in the family invested their life savings into it. Later, the business begain to fail, and people were planning to pull their money out, when this sister went around and convinced everyone that it was in the family interest to keep their money in, indeed to invest more, so that the business will not fail. The business failed and as it turned out this sister had long gotten her money out - she was in cahoots with the guy who ran the business, and the price of her co-operation in convincing everyone else to stay in was that she personally could get out without loss. Everyone else lost everything.

At least, this is what I was told years later. There may be more to it but this was the story I heard.

Also, when their father passed on, he had a will that specifically left certain things to certain people. This sister went through basically stealling stuff from the possessions left to others. For example, my mother was left some expensive jewelry, and she got it - with the stones removed … this I know is true, or at least I’ve actually seen the jewelry with missing stones. I have no actual proof it was her that removed them.

When I was growing up, my mother was back on speaking terms with this sister, who was at that time EXTREMELY wealthy, but there was always a certain distance - I only learned the whole story years later, as an adult. Looking back on it, we were always made to feel the poor relations, which must have been very aggrivating considering her wealth and our comparative poverty was a direct result of her underhanded dealings.

32

I’ve been estranged from all but one of my blood siblings for five years.

My father had one son in his first marriage. My mom had one son and four daughters in her first. I was the only child they produced together.

Dad’s son always avoided the joint family as much as possible, making brief appearances at xmas, etc. All Mom’s kids, save one, always saw my dad as very much the STEP father, even though he was the one who raised part of them, always made the house open to them when their marriages failed, they went broke or needed a place to stay for other reasons.

When my mom died in 2001 only the one sister really made any attempt to include Dad in her life in any sort of way, and they became very close.

When Mom was alive, she and Dad named one of the other sisters as executor of the estate when they both passed. After Dad died in 2004, she and her lawyer skimmed funds, reneged on agreements Dad had put in place and pulled a lot of other shady stuff. Dad’s son and all the kids except the good sister went along with her plans after she agreed to cut them in. I haven’t talked to any of them except the good sister since, and I won’t.

They may be my relations, but they’ll never be my family, and I don’t miss them in the least.

33

Eldest brother is estranged from most the immediate family. There’s 4 of us about 3 years apart each. He’s got it into his head that he is the black sheep of the family, because even though he did everything 'the right way’TM he didn’t get preferential treatment. He brings up tiny slights from 20 years ago, or something that we didn’t do that offends him.

(He’s also conveniently forgetting some parental bailouts, and privileges of having more by means of being oldest, i.e. he had my dad’s Triumph to drive to high school, by the time we were in high school we all took the bus, and were ok with it.)

What he doesn’t get is that while he was out being Alex P. Keaton, the rest of us were helping each other out when it was needed in simple things, like washing down Oma’s kitchen walls for her once a year, or bringing each other the keys when you got locked out.

He waited for years to buy a house because he wanted to be in Scarsdale without having to work on it. He ended up in Eastchester (still very nice) at the crest of the bubble, and got laid off. So his revenge is that he calls Mom 3 weeks before Christmas and says that he’s not talking to any of us anymore because “You gave miamouse the house”. Which is simply not true.

If I were being generous I would have called the house I live in (not own) a fixer-upper (14 years ago), in the north Bronx. You tell me why someone who wants a perfect house in Scardale wants to grouse about a fixer upper in the Bronx (which still needs siding but is not so much a fixer-upper anymore).

34

I don’t know how to tell a short version of the story, but the gist is this:

A few years ago an aunt of mine told me a story that was supposed to explain her perspective on the (latest, largest) rift between my mother and I, casting my mother in the role of a caring woman, who failed to do the right thing in a moment of panic.

I said nothing. I just watched her as she told her story, letting the raw implications have their way with me. Eventually, she faltered and trailed off, and we just stood there looking at one another. And then I watched her eyes as it dawned on her, and again, and again. And then I watched her heart break, in silence.

35

My sister and I have been estranged from our father for the better part of two decades now. He was abusive in a number of ways towards all of us (my mom included) and it took her years to finally get the courage up to kick him out of the house.

Us kids tried the reconciliation path in our own ways later on but both attempts ended up in frustration and more anger. I blew up at him on the phone over a really juvenile stunt he pulled, then wrote him a letter telling him I wanted nothing more to do with him. She later got him into family therapy where he basically said none of it was his fault and refused to apologize. That pretty much tore it for her, and when she told me about it any thoughts of my swallowing some of my pride and approaching him again vanished permanently.

Essentially, estrangement is an acknowledgment that the relationship is toxic in some way. To end it, the toxic elements need to be eliminated. If those elements can’t be eliminated for whatever reason, I think the best thing to do is grieve for the lost relationship, acknowledge your anger towards the other person or people, and find a more positive focus for your time and energy.

36

So many fathers figure into this situation!

My mother has mental or emotional problems, I’m sure. She never showed me any love and I spent my weekends, growing up, with my grandmother (on my father’s side) who thought I was special and beautiful. When my brother went psychotic, there was mommy weeping and wailing and trying to take care of the poor sick thing, and I was nearly spat upon because I wasn’t a good sister who would “do something”. Like what? I was young and had my own life, and he was nasty and violent and tried to push me down the stairs at one point. (Now he lives in an apartment, heavily medicated, no drivers license. Mommy is 80 and still goes to fetch him home for weekends. He weighs 300 lbs. and smokes 3 packs a day.). Mom didn’t offer to help in any way when I was to be married, so we ended up eloping to a judge’s office, with a school friend as a witness. I had a baby girl and she visited once or twice. Then we drifted apart again because she had no interest in being a grandma whatsoever, would not come over to visit (I’m not talking about babysitting!). She just didn’t have the love or ambition, all over again with my little girl, just like me, so silence went on for years. At Christmas, no word. We’d sit there watching Christmas stories on TV, just the 3 of us, and I would cry and cry. A kind neighbor would invite us toover so we wouldn’t be all alone. To this day, I despise Christmas. They’d send a box of crappy toys with no card or note, and I’d take them back to the toy store. They’d send, say, a check for $20 for birthdays which I donated to charity. I didn’t have a mother, and my daughter didn’t have a grandmother. Eventually we did reconnect, and we go over and visit once in a while and go out to eat, or to the mall. Now mom is old and falling apart and everyone sees her as a sweet old thing trying to life independently. She has operations all the time, and guess who has to go over and stay with her? Oddly enough, we do have some good times now. Mom does have a good sense of humour, and being one of my daughters only living relatives, my daughter loves her grandma. What there is to love. what burns me up is there is still no communication unless I make an effort. I have to call and call and go and visit, and its still very awkward. I won’t hear anything for weeks, for months, then find some excuse to call (yes, I need a REASON to call). It sounds very childish on my part, I know, but that woman has been cruel and thoughtless my whole life and I’ve spent much time wishing I was never born.:mad:

37

It’s tough isn’t it. In this case, I’ve been the middle man. I’ve tried being nice. Rational. Pleaded to the family side of things. Pleaded as his little brother. Tried logic, emotion, and finally anger before I gave up.

If my brother has a grievance, and what he has told me is what he is upset about, it’s total horseshit. I’ve been in the trenches and on the front line through this whole drama. In a way, I know more than anyone. What is even worse is the grievance my brother does claim is about a stupid contract that HE recommended and that HE signed and that HE later emailed my mom about saying HE way perfectly cool with it. It was about money. Natch. And a sale of some property. My mother has since rescinded the contract, tore it up and forgave the money that my brother promised my mother.

My Mom ended up gifting him $50,000. And HE is mad at her. Yep. She gave him a fifty thousand dollar gift and he is mad because of this so called contract that she has since torn up. That he signed and later agreed with through an email. “Sounds good, lets do it. About next weekend…”

And then the next week ---- She’s not my Mom, she’s my banker. [pout]shes so mean to me [/double pout stamp ground for effect]

She wanted the contract to protect both of them. She was afraid that one of the train wrecks that he was dating might somehow weasel into the property. (dramas #2 thu #8).

She ended up selling him the property for $100,000 interest free. A little over half of its real value. (during this whole mess, my brother mortgaged said property for $180,000. For necessities. Like motorcycles and entertainment systems [ever see a $14,000 TV? I have.])

He’s mad at her. :rolleyes: Uh huh.

38

My ex-wife was angry with her mother and step-father because they they loaned her the money to buy her house.
Because she hadn’t made a payment in 33 months when I took over and paid every overdue cent plus some extra.
Because they owned five houses and she felt they should have just given her the money.

Yes, gosh, it’s so tough having parents who will loan you the money to buy a house. It’s so horrible and evil that they won’t just give it to you. Boohoo. The world is so horrible.

Blah, blah, blah.

39

My late husband was estranged from his family for a few years, though at the time of his death he was probably closer to them (not saying much) than he had ever been as an adult.

His mother was very controlling and angry. Verbally abusive and manipulative. A difficult woman.

I’m utterly estranged from her now, though I don’t figure I count since I have a tough time considering her “family.”

40

The first time I dealt with estrangement is when I was 13. My father disowned me and he didn’t speak to me until I was 22/23. This wasn’t uncommon in our family; 13 was the magic age for him to cut you out of his life.

Flash forward- it has now been over a year since I’ve spoken to my sister. One of the most difficult aspects for me is that I don’t want to be like my dad. (Get mad at someone and just throw them away.)

But I’ve come to realize that there is a difference between that and drawing healthy boundaries. My sister is a true narcissist, my mom co-dependent–among other neuroses–and there were real scape-goating issues in our family dynamic.

According to my mom and sister, I’m certain that I’m considered the bad guy here, but I just don’t care. I’ve had enough of my sister and her games, tired of being shit on, and refuse to take it anymore. When my ex and I divorced in 2001, I decided that I would not have anyone in my life that was toxic to me. If you do not add to my life, if you actively detract from my happiness, then I am not wasting my time and energy having you in my life.

I gave my mom and sister much more leeway, and much more time because they are my mom and sister. But I’m done. I’ve had enough. So I don’t talk to my sister, and don’t know if I ever will. I call my mom once every month or two out of a sense of duty, keeping it superficial and light, but that’s the extent of it.

Not sure if it’s right or wrong, mentally healthy or not, but it’s my only solution for my well-being, and I’m ok with that.