Specific question about estranged families

In My Humble Opinion
1

Everyone I know has a story about their estranged family, but I’ve noticed something a bit odd about some of these stories, the ones that involve grown children who have cut a parent dead, often a parent who is completely puzzled by their grown child’s decision. In such cases, my (admittedly small) sample of puzzled parents have been inordinately generous. They have left businesses worth literally millions to the child, they have bought them houses, they have made them their sole heirs in their wills, etc. but the son or daughter, knowing all this, has for some reason of their own, cut them off without a word.

I have heard this story, several times, from baffled friends who’ve had this happen to them, and they all swear on a stack of Bibles that they’ve never had a serious argument or disagreement with their grown child, particularly (as you might suspect) on the deadly subjects of politics or religion. No “Trump is GOD!!!/Trump is deplorable!!” confrontation, or “You must worship Xenu!” talks, no “Your gay lifestyle is an abomination,” nor anything at all.

And my friends are honest people—they have no reason to lie to me. They just get all teary when they get to the “I don’t understand. I LOVE my boy/girl/whatever” part, and they try to soldier on. Not getting to know, or even to see, their grandkids is another teary moment—they are genuinely puzzled. (Or they are the greatest actors since Laurette Taylor and Marlon Brando.) They’ve searched their souls for good reasons, or even terrible ones, that their grown child refuses to acknowledge them.

Obviously, I’m hearing only one side of this sad saga. What I’m curious about is: What’s the grown child’s story? If I could find one of them, and have a heart to heart talk with them, how would they answer the question “Why have you declared your parent dead to you without a word of explanation?” Would they offer many words of explanation? Would they tell me tales of horror about foul acts and vicious words that my friends have conveniently forgotten? How might they justify their choice to estrange themselves from their parents (and siblings, cousins, etc. in some cases—the entire family.) Might they claim to hold beliefs—religious, political, or otherwise—that demand estrangement? I have long believed that no one thinks “I have treated someone abominably, but I stand by that decision.” Everyone justifies their actions to themselves, so I’m left wondering—what sort of justification do you think I’d hear if I could ask these questions of the kids who’ve cut their parents dead? Have you ever heard the other side of the story?

2

I don’t have any first- or even second-hand experience with anything like this. But the people you’re talking about sound wealthier than most of the people I know. And (from what I’ve heard and read) wealth can do weird things to people and families. It can make parents think they can buy their children’s affection or dictate how they live their lives; and it can make children entitled and ungrateful, or resentful that their parents focused on business and worldly matters rather than giving them the affection and nurturing they craved when they were growing up. (Can, not inevitably will.)

3

No one knows, really. Social media is usually blamed, Tik Tok apparently is a booster for estrangement. Spoiling the child and making them the center of the universe is a factor, much more than an actually abusive parent… I follow a FB page for the heartbroken parents. The answer from the kids, if any, is a darkly muttered ‘you KNOW what you did!’ (well, no, what??). Or no answer at all … It also seems a new spouse is behind it. The daughter-in-law doesn’t want the husband’s family involved, just hers, and he meekly follows her orders so as not to rock the boat or worse. The son-in-law is a controlling abuser and forbids his wife any contact with any of her family. There’s no one answer, just theories, and plenty of terms like ‘toxic’, ‘bipolar’, ‘narcissistic’ thrown around. :person_shrugging: Wish I knew, my best friend was ghosted by both her daughters, not a word in 10 years. I’ve been ghosted by a relative myself, no real reason given.

4

I was a psychotherapist. People, including parents, sometimes present themselves very differently in public and to their friends than the way they interact with their children. Also, some children are also psychologically and interpersonally problematic, including being deeply wounded by interactions that most people wouldn’t even register.

ETA:

That’s not my observation as a counselor.

5

I did not cut ties with my parents but was on the verge of it for a long time. I am currently cutting ties with my 6 siblings. The answer is simple, they all seem to see a different person than what my friends and immediate family see. My parents labeled each and everyone of us at a young age and those labels seem to persist within that family. It has become unbearable as I age.

6

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m asking here. I know of one poor wretch whose kids claim to “feel unsafe” in his presence who has offered to sit with his kids, with any authority present (at his own expense) that the kid wants to be there (a cop or a therapist), and simply listen to the kid’s complaint, not saying a word, and the kid’s response to this offer is silence. No response at all. So this poor wretch spends his sleepless nights wondering what he could have possibly done to warrant this scenario, and he’s come up with some pretty inventive ones: Could I have abused my child and repressed the memory? Did someone show my child a fabricated arrest sheet for assault and battery? Is my child mentally ill?

I’d like to see that FB page. If you don’t want to post a link, any ideas for how I’d search for that one or a similar one?

7

I know two people who have cut ties with their parents. One of them is our generation (50s) and the other the parents are our generation.

One was because the parents turned a blind eye to sexual abuse of the person as a child by a priest. In fact the parents actively sided with the priest and the church. 40+ years later the parents still believe they did nothing wrong, that mores have changed, etc.

The other is more subtle. The parents (one is a classmate and erstwhile business partner of my wife) were extremely demanding of the kid academically. Publicly her for “only” getting into a “second tier” Ivy League school (Brown) instead of making the family proud by going to Harvard, Stanford, Yale, Columbia, Princeton, Oxford or Cambridge. The parents think the kid is very ungrateful for all that they did for the kid. Boarding schools, expensive summer camps, private tutors and coaches, etc. From the kids point of view all this was chump change. Parents are worth hundreds of millions. She wanted to be loved unconditionally.

8

The thought of cutting off a family member without a word is anathema to me. I’d at least give them an explanation as to why I was cutting contact.

I’ve thought about cutting off contact with my Trumper brother, but it would kill my mother. She’s mandated a “Don’t Talk About Politics” policy in the family to get ahead of the curve when it comes to fighting and hard feelings, in an effort to keep the peace. It’s worked, to a point. Last weekend I met Mom BroHomie (plus his daughter and her boyfriend) for lunch and we made polite conversation, but the whole time I was seething. Knowing that I’m making polite small talk to a man who supports the Regime.

9

The problem I’ve had with my mother trying the same thing with my siblings is that on one hand they have a very narrow definition of “talking politics” for themselves and a very broad definition for me.

Actual examples:

“Trans extremists are destroying women’s sports!” is not political. “I was sorting food donations at a food pantry” is political.

“Obamacare completely fucked over productive healthy people and made them slaves of sick and lazy people” is not political. “I couldn’t retire early without ACA policies” is political.

And yes, when my wife blocks my brother on social media, he’s on the phone with my mother within minutes to complain. He’s even asked third parties to screenshot our social media posts so he can show them to our mother and get her worked up by our ungodliness.

10

I think that the parents often know very well what they did and why the child cut off ties, but they lie to themselves and their friends that they are bewildered.

It usually comes from abusive controlling behavior, and the child cut ties because if the child tried to explain it to the parent, they would get pulled back in to the parents’ cycle of controlling behavior.

11

Are these children in romantic relationships? Or do they have anyone else in their life who might be seeking to isolate them and have enough influence over them to make it happen, e.g. a religious leader? I’ve only seen this situation happen once, but in that case I’m about 90% sure that the estrangement is the result of emotional abuse, not by the parents, but by the intimate partner of the adult child. (Granted, I haven’t heard the child’s perspective, but they have a younger sibling who isn’t estranged, and I spent lots of time in the family’s house growing up, including being a regular babysitter for the sibling, and they always seemed like a perfectly normal family.)

12

People with cluster B personality disorders usually try very hard to convince strangers and acquaintances that they are amazing, wonderful people with perfect families, while being extremely abusive, manipulative, cruel and callous with family members at home. Which is why so many strangers and acquaintances are confused as to why the perfect parents with the perfect families have children who won’t talk to them.

There’s your answer in a nutshell. Society really needs more education into mental health. Even now, in the most progressive age we’ve ever had on mental health, most people think “mental health issues = anxiety and depression”. Mental health is much more complex than just anxiety and depression.

Another issue that can come up is the parent refused to protect the child from harm when they were young. Someone was abusing the child and the parent knew, but did nothing to protect them. This is another major reason for cutting ties.

13

This is it, I think.

In my own extended family, I saw an adult child cut off his father for a few years. His father spoke to me about it, bewildered. I knew exactly what had happened and why, and explained it to the father–but the father seemed incapable of hearing it. In his eyes he had done nothing wrong, and because according to his own judgement he’d done nothing wrong he saw no reason to pay attention to what his child thought he’d done wrong. His adult child was exhausted by this dynamic and didn’t see any reason to give the parent a chance to continue it.

From the outside, if I hear of a family estrangement between parent and child, I view it much the same as I view a divorce. It’s not really my business, and I have no expectation that the dumped party is going to give me a neutral and accurate take on why the estrangement happened.

There’s a subreddit full of adult children who have gone no contact. It’s full of stories from these adult kids, and might be worth a look:

14

There’s another Reddit thread that specifically asks why cut off parents never seem to understand why they were cut off that’s worth a read.

And this is kind of interesting:

There’s a reason the members of estranged parents’ forums are estranged.

If you’re an estranged adult child and you’re looking for a way to get your parents to hear what the problem is, I’m sorry, but you have your answer already. They don’t want to know. They may be incapable of knowing. There are no magic words that will penetrate their defenses.

15

You said ‘kids’ as in plural. So do several/all of this person’s kids feel unsafe around them?

What could be happening is this. The parent abused the children, but he/she doesn’t respect the children enough to even understand that what they did was abusive. The same way that you wouldn’t think twice about stepping on an ant. Its possible the parent know they abused their children but doesn’t care, or they don’t respect their kids enough to think what they did was abusive.

Also you need to educate yourself about manipulation tactics like smear campaigns and triangulation.

smear campaigns are when a toxic person tries to destroy their victims reputations. Triangulation is when they draw in mutual friends and acquaintances to try to turn them against their victim. It sounds like the person you know is doing these things.

Its impossible to know whats happening, but the fact that multiple kids came to the same conclusion that their life is better without the parent makes me think it is the parent who is wrong.

16

I think a lot of these parents wear a mask in public that they are great parents and that their kids, through no fault of the parent, just became ungrateful and cut off contact. The less control they have over their children, the more they lie to themselves and anyone who will listen.

17

Well, I have an estranged sister and I did, from time to time fantasize about it myself, but she actually did it.

On paper my parents were outstanding people who really provided for us. In reality, however, it was a somewhat different story. Several years ago I stumbled upon something called “Childhood Emotional Neglect”, which was certainly applicable to us. Regarding this, if our parents actually loved us they didn’t show it. The alternative is that they actually did not.

I have three sisters, the youngest of whom is 15 years older than me because, according to the family lore my mom “tricked” my dad and consequently I was a half-accident. Note: that doesn’t bother me.

My parents played us off one another, to the extent that none of us, despite the age differences, ever became as close as we could have and should have. Because of my mom’s insecurities she always avoided socializing with her adult children together; my parents would have me visit, without telling my sisters, or vice versa.

And, if our family had a heraldic crest, the motto wouldn’t be something inspiring like “Service to Others” or “Honesty and Strength”. It would be “What will people think?” I went to Royal Military College and became a naval officer. That is probably the only reason that they had any pride, because in their circle, they could show me off. Had I become a tradesman or a garbage collector I have no doubt that they would have found this sufficiently embarrassing that they would have estranged themselves from me. Everything was negative and judgmental if we did not meet their BS standards of what proper children (young or adult) should be.

They both died about 20 years ago and, though one sister and I live in the same city as their graves, we’ve never been to their graves since their respective funerals.

18

I’m not sure if I should share the exact site, but there are a LOT of them on FB. If you search the words ‘Parents of Estranged Children’ there are several sites that pop up. You have to ask to join. They’re basically all the same.

19

Without a lot of probing questions asked of parent, child and a few other people. There is no way to know.

The child may be an ungrateful brat. They may be mentally ill. They may be manipulated by a romantic partner.

The parent may have been cold and unloving. They may have turned a blind eye to abuse. They may have been profoundly abusive themselves.

You would need to ask a long list of invasive questions. You would need to ask many people. Even if everybody answers honestly, they may be telling the truth as they see it.

20

I think some kids are just born SUPER sensitive and thin-skinned.

I’ve noticed reading stories on FB sites, a lot of estranged single mothers, or divorced mothers, who say “I worked two or three jobs to provide them everything I never had. I bought them the latest clothes, videogames, sent them to dance and sports and summer camp.” The single parent’s whole life seems to revolve around their child, everything they did was to support their child and give them everything humanly possible to give! As soon as the kids were out of school or married, that was it. No contact any more.