My parents and I are in the beginning stages of what I feel will be a long-term (if not permanent) estrangement. I worry she will bully my extended family (2 siblings, aunts and cousins) into cutting me off from their lives. If you were my extended family (who have no incentive to listen my mother) would you stop speaking to me?
In all seriousness and no snark intended, how would we know? You’re asking if I were someone I don’t know, how would I react to someone else I don’t know with regards to yet someone else I don’t know? The only plausible answer is that I don’t know.
Gary’s right, but also, on a strict reading of your OP, you’ve answered your own question. You said they have no incentive to listen to your mother. It follows with nearly logical validity that they will have no reason to stop speaking to you.
I wouldn’t, but then I my family doesn’t usually have long-term estrangements.
Although, come to think of it, there was something where two of my cousins (brothers) had some kind of gigantic falling-out and one of them called my mom (their great-aunt) to ask if the other was coming to Thanksgiving that year, because if so, his family wouldn’t be coming. As it turned out, the one brother had already sent his regrets without mentioning the problem, whatever it was, and my mom - indeed, our entire branch of the family - was so horrified by the idea of getting involved in an argument between brothers that she didn’t inquire about what, exactly, caused the rift.
Quite a few years later, the one brother and his family attended the wedding of the other brother’s daughter, so whatever it was (is?) could at least be tamped down enough for that occasion. I still don’t know what the deal was, and although I’m naturally very inquisitive, I will never, ever ask.
If a family member tried to drag me into the fray, I’d resist taking sides. If anyone tried to “bully” me into cutting a family member off, I’d refuse. I would insist that you figure out how you were going to deal with family occasions. If you’re not coming to Thanksgiving or a wedding because they might be there, that’s something you’re going to have to work out for yourself - I’m not going to choose one side to invite.
Are your relatives likely to be able to refrain from asking about the problem? Are you or your parents likely to call them up and force them to hear all about it? If not, you’re good to go. If so, it’s going to put your relatives in an awkward position. Your best shot is to not be the relative who’s making demands about who speaks to whom.
Absent some abuse situation, what could possibly be so bad you’d cut your parents out of your life? If you feel that this has to happen, make sure you spend a long time thinking about it, and making sure this is the hill you want to die on.
You’re not exactly giving us a lot - or anything - to work with. I’d side with whoever I think is right, but I don’t even know what the issue is.
You know them better than we do. Personally I avoid taking sides as much as possible. A couple who are friends of mine recently separated unamicably, and one said they understand if we can’t be friends and I said, “I can handle being your friend if you can handle me still being her friend.”
Without context your question is kind of meaningless. The “cutting you off” decision does not exist in some compartmentalized alternate dimension. It really depends on if our behavior in this scenario warrants it.
Okay, I’ll expand on exactly what I mean: I’ve decided, for mental health reasons, that my parents and I are better off not interacting (there was no physical abuse). My cousin is marrying in a month, and I plan to travel to the wedding for the day, (most guests are taking an extended vacay to a place with childhood memories) I have ZERO intention of punishing her for my family’s drama.
As to why my extended family would cut me off? Um, loyalty to my mother (their sister/aunt/mother). I asked because I’m not psychic as to what they’d do.
There are lots of good reasons. Opinions like these are why lots of people keep quiet about being estranged from their parents, even if they do have good reasons. Society always says “but it’s your mother!”, even if that makes no sense to your situation.
Anyway, etv78, I’ve read a bunch about toxic parents. You could try to explain to your extended family what’s up, but it’s not like you’re controlling them, or trying to. On the other hand, toxic parents often ARE trying to control others. It often looks like being in a rigged race. You, the normal person vs the person willing to make up drama and lies to emotionally manipulate others. The people being manipulated often think exactly what society thinks - “but it’s your mother!”
So in the end, it’s stacked against you because you are an upstanding good person (I’m assuming). Be prepared that your extended family may decide to side with your parents or stay out of it entirely.
There’s nothing wrong with cutting yourself off from toxic people. Do it if your health and sanity requires it.
In my experience, if someone is toxic, it’s not exactly news to the rest of the family. It’s well-known, even if never spoken of. Of course, I have no way of guessing if the rest of your family are okay with their relative being toxic or not. Family dynamics can be weird and dysfunctional that way. In general, intelligent people will realize said relative is toxic, but in your specific case there’s no way for ME to know if they think that’s just dandy, or if they have their own coping mechanisms for dealing with it. Only you can know that.
If your mother is actually asking people to NOT speak to you, than no, I would not cut you off.
In my experience, people who actually make an effort to tell others who they should and shouldn’t speak to are usually the toxic ones.
That said, it could very well be that (just speculating here) you’re being a dick to your mother and everybody else in the family decided they’d be better off with out you. And it’s your ego that won’t allow you to believe this. So the only other possible explanation, is that your mother is “turning” people against you.
Again, I’m not implying any of this is true. I’m just saying that’s one plausible scenario.
Shakes-My Mom has made it clear that she doesn’t plan to acknowledge me at the wedding. She also got VERY confrontational accusing me of badmouthing her on Facebook. (I never did, she DID badmouth me)+I defriended and blocked her, so I don’t see what proof she would have if I did.
TBH, If they would just send me my stuff, both at their house, and in storage where my younger brother lives, I’d be happy to wash my hands of her. and she me.
Sorry to hear that etv78. Family drama sucks.
Would I stop speaking to a family member due to their estrangement with another family member? No. I make my own decisions about who I do and don’t talk to. But then, my family doesn’t do Facebook drama, so your family sounds quite different to mine…
Yes.
Yeah let the chips fall where they may. You can only be who you are. After the storm, things will settle. What will bring you through is character.
Family drama on Facebook. Seriously? Why not just shout at each other across the mall? If I had family fighting publicly, I’d gracefully bow out and ignore the nutters.
Protect your mental health! The same thing forced me out of my parents orbit, I can relate. But consider that your relatives have also seen/sensed the same antics that have driven you away. Even if you think they didn’t see it all, ya da, ya da, they know somethings are awry, I can promise you. And a certain number of them, should they hear of this estrangement, will think to themselves, “Good for etv78!”
Go to your event without concern and behave with dignity and calm regardless. Stick to your practiced line should you be pressed, “I found I had to step away from it all as it was beginning to affect my mental health, and not in a good way. That’s all I really want to say, I’m sure you understand…change of subject!”
Your relatives are not so easily swayed as you may believe, or they may let on to your parents. Blood is thicker than water and you should rest assured they will want to remain in contact with you, whatever antics your parents get up to. Let that knowledge keep you calm, they have known you all your life, they will not so easily be turned against you, as you are thinking.
Does it really matter? Do what you need to do for yourself. When I cut ties with my father as a result of his alcoholism and sexual abuse, I lost touch with that *entire *side of my family. It was worth it to be free of him. Anyone who wouldn’t keep in touch with you despite falling out with your parents is not an ally you want anyway.