I make it a point not to get involved in these kinds of dramas. And yes, the one who tries to get me to cut off contact with the other is usually-but-not-always the crazy one.
Go to your cousin’s wedding. If your mother ignores you, isn’t that what you want? Ignore her ignoring you (if that makes any sense) and get on with your life.
The more attention you pay to the drama, the more drama you get. If someone mentions how your mother seems to be refusing to acknowledge you, just say “Oh, that’s just mom” and change the subject. If someone says your mother is trying to get people to choose between her and you, just say “I hope you don’t choose either, but I hope you know I and your aunt/mother/sister/cousin love you no matter what”, and again, change the subject.
Easier said than done, I know, but perhaps you can start practicing not letting anyone hit your buttons.
Personally, I’d side with whoever I though was right, but in my experience, people choose the path of least resistance. If your parents are troublesome enough in their attempts to push, some people will succumb just to avoid conflict.
In this instance, if I were a member of your extended family, I’d probably ignore you as well. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’re the one who is instigating this, regardless of your motives. Even if your motives are pure, logical and reasonable, an extended family member is still likely to see that it’s you that’s actively taking the steps away, not your parents.
Additionally, Shodan’s advice seems very solid. If you do this, you need to completely abandon any passive-aggressive attitude or language around the rest of your family. Do not engage in any discussion about this, don’t get involved in an extended, heated discussion trying to convince other people why you’re right and your parents are wrong - just tell them that it’s an issue between you and your parents (even though it’s been aired publicly on Facebook already), and you’d rather not involve anyone else.
When I cut off my parents, one of the things my mom held over my head, viciously, was that the entire family would stop talking to me too. I love(d) my family, and it broke my heart, and I believed her completely. I cut ties anyway, it was too important to my emotional health.
Some years later I discovered that the people in my family whom I loved best and who truly loved me didn’t care one whit. They missed me and was sorry when I didn’t call them or talk to them. Here I thought they were angry with me when all they wanted was to know I was OK.
You find out who truly loves you in these circumstances. They also have seen the issues you’ve seen. Now my mom genuinely had problems, and now all of my family tells me they have seen it (so why didn’t you protect me from her? Anyway) so if that’s not the case with your family, if they think you are the crazy one, things may go differently.
Isn’t the future wonderful? In the days of yesteryear we had to call people, or run into them at the Five and Dime, to be bitchy to them and then only they and us knew of said bitchiness. Now we can broadcast to the world, “Hey X is being a cunt. And here’s facebook proof of their cuntiness.”
Is one of the siblings the brother that you had a significant conflict with, and who you blame for your poor college performance? Then consider your mother may have some family backup for the estrangement. Do what you feel you need to for your mental health, but also acknowledge that you have a role to play in your relationships, and your part hasn’t always been sunshine and roses. Either everyone in your immediate family is toxic and out to get you, or…
If you don’t want to interact with your parents, why are you upset that your parents don’t want to interact with you? Goes both ways, doesn’t it?
What I think is that you should call your cousin in person, tell her that you’re having a difficult time at the moment and don’t want to funk up the wedding with your personal problems, so you won’t be able to make it. Tell her that you’ll be thinking of her on her special day and look forward to seeing her on your own some day after the excitement fades down. Send an extra lovely gift. Continue ignoring your parents and carry on as you would otherwise.
I thought it was his parents he blamed his poor college career on. I believe that it’s his brother that he got in a fight with that led to his disability.
I think it’ll be a good healthy test for you, etv78. You need to be able to get through this without mentioning the issue to anyone at any point during the day. Not hanging around the back of the church before the ceremony, not in the ride to the reception, not while you’re taking a leak in the bathroom. Be an adult about it, and it’ll pass. Bring it up and start dragging names into it, and it’s going to snowball very quickly. The moment it’s “he said/she said”, you’ve lost - regardless of who is technically correct.
See - I would say using his cousin’s wedding as a test is already a failure. He should have his own tests on his own time at his own expense.
It’s not enough for him not to talk about it. He has to behave in a way that no one else would think there was anything the matter. If he can’t behave civilly to the other guest - regardless of who those other guests are and how just his cause - then he should stay home.
You don’t think that 2 people pointedly ignoring each other is worse than one being absent? You are so, so wrong. If you care about your cousin and not ruining her day, step out. Re-RSVP. It’s obnoxious to go there if you are going to be anything but pleasant to all guests, your mother included.
My mom pulled that shit at my sister’s baby shower, ignoring me but being pleasant to everyone else. People I didn’t even know were asking me, “What the hell’s up with your mother?” It was rude and embarrassing. Ignoring someone makes a statement, too. Don’t do that to your poor cousin.
In my past I had a brother in law estrange himself. He had a falling out with his mother. I refused to discuss it with either one of them and when the issue was pressed (as it was from both sides) I politely declined to take sides.
For him that meant I was on her side and was a traitor and he has 100% removed hinself from my life. In the process he took every opportunity he could to cause harm to me, from petty vandalism to trying to get CPS to take away my kids.
For his mother that meant I didn’t want to hear the drama and wouldn’t take sides. Over the years she dropped it and I still see her all the time.
I would say that your relationship with your family members will be most influenced by your own interactions with them, not by anything your parents might say to them out of spite.
Take this for what it is worth. I don’t know you but from your posts on this message board. From your words only I know that you have a disability (spina bifida-close to my heart because I lost my brother to this particular birth defect), that you are adopted, that you are stridently willful even to your own harm ( the burst bladder), that your parents try but never enough to satisfy your need ( furniture moving without direct instructions from you while helping you move, and not furthering your college career). The picture you have painted, at least to me, is negative only of yourself. It seems a little navel gazing for me to take seriously your need to estrange yourself. Additionally, if you care about the bride at all don’t bring your drama to her wedding. Really.
In the end people will make the decision to talk with you or not based in your past behavior. If you have a reputation as a drama llama who blames everyone else for his misfortunes you will probably be disparaged for taking this behavior to new extremes and shunning your parents. If you are perceived as a decent, stable person people will probably respect your choice and will not cut you off.
Have you behaved with decency and dignity in the past or not? That’s really the question that will dictate how you are treated in the future.