Where to begin. My father and I don’t have much of a relationship. I posted a little about it in another thread a few days ago, and really thought I was ok with things the way they are, but then I got a phone call from him today and now I don’t know quite what to do.
I guess I’ll start off with a little background info. My mother was very abusive towards both my brothers and me, but especially me as I was a constant reminder that my dad had had an affair. (I was named after the woman my father had an affair with when my mom was pregnant with me.) When I was four, my dad came home once when my mom was punishing me for something or other and they wound up getting in a huge fight which ended with my dad leaving and my brother (only had one at the time), and I being placed in foster care.
My parents had this on-going love-hate relationship, and wound up getting together and breaking up numerous times. Their relationships with us kids were very similar. Sometimes we’d live with my mom, sometimes, with both parents, and sometimes we’d be in foster care or living with other relatives. It was all very chaotic, and I always felt it was my fault. I know, logically, that it wasn’t, but kids don’t typically form opinions based on logic.
Eventually, after I was married and out of the house, my father left my mother once and for all, taking custody of my youngest (then 15) brother. Shortly after my brother turned 18, but before he was out of high school, my father gave him a run-down trailer, $1000, and a truck before moving to another city. He then proceeded to move here and there and somewhere else without informing any of us of his whereabouts. I’d try and track him down through relatives to find that he’d been in Alabama but wasn’t there anymore, etc. etc. through several states.
Finally, almost ten years since we’d heard from him, he contacted my older brother, who then gave the rest of us his e-mail and address. I e-mailed him, we talked a few times, and then we met last year. He was in Alabama visiting relatives and I went to see him. We had a nice enough day together but when I woke up in the morning, he’d left. We did stay in e-mail contact though. In February, I was planning a trip which would take me within two hours of him. I e-mailed and asked if he’d like to get together. He declined, saying that he was too busy and didn’t have time. This past summer, he drove up to see me, driving 1800 miles only to leave after 7 hours. In all of our contacts, I’ve been careful not to question him about his disappearance or to make him feel guilty for abandoning us. I wanted that to be in the past and for us to build a future relationship together, so the reason he left each time we met wasn’t due to a disagreement, though I don’t know what it was.
Anyway, he called me around September or so asking if I’d consider moving to Oklahoma, where he was currently living. He said he’d buy a trailer for me and put it on his property so that we could spend time together. I declined, because nice as Oklahoma may be, it isn’t exactly a hub of biochemistry. He then told me that he was sure I could get a job at a convenience store there, nevermind the fact that I’m a very competent, respected, and happy researcher in my chosen field. (He feels that the only careers which are acceptable for women are nursing, teaching, and sales, but that’s another story.)
OK, fast forward to October. Unbeknownst to us kids, he once again moved. No forwarding address, e-mail account closed, none of the relatives had a clue as to where he may have moved to. After my brother called and told me he’d moved and couldn’t be found, I basically decided screw it. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life searching for someone who doesn’t want me in his.
But this morning, I got a phone call from him. He wants to come spend Christmas with me. I’m very torn by this. Stupid as it sounds, there’s still a part of me that wants his approval and acceptance very much. At the same time, I don’t want to open myself up to even more rejection from him. What would you do?