Tell me if I'm overreacting to this (lots of cursing likely)

Briefly: I’m considering cutting off all contact with my father because the miserable self-righteous ignorant son of whore called me a thief and then, when it was demonstrated that no theft had occurred, not only refused to apologize but criticized me for asking for an apology.

And now the long version.

My dad’s in his mid-70s. I’m 40. He’s lived alone since my mother died. As he doesn’t cook well, and as I do, against all logic, love him, I cook him dinner a couple of times a week. Sometimes I cook it at my place; sometimes I do it there. I have a key to his house, as do all his eight children and his 4 adult grandchildren.

Last night I brought dinner over. Dad said he wanted to talk. He began my reminding me of some financial problems I had last year. Said problems arose because I had to pay a lot of medical bills and had to work a lot. He offered to lend me some money; I refused to take it because I’m forty goddamn years old and don’t need to be borrowing money from a retiree. He offered more than once; each time I refused.

Anyway…Dad, for reasons known best to him, is in the habit of keeping somewhat large sums of cash in his house–four or five hundred bucks, say. (I didn’t know this, incidentally.) He told me that he keeps this money in a drawer in his guest room and gets it when he has to pay his car insurance or whatnot. When he went to get that money this past Sunday, he could not find it. He asked me if I took it.

I asked him why he would think such a thing. He pointed out that I have a key. So do about a dozen others, I replied. And there’s a certain woman from your church you’ve been keeping company with, and she has a grown child,and they’ve both been here. Did you ask any of them? No, Dad replies,and he’s not going to, because they’re SAVED. By SAVED, of course, the miserable goat-felching bastard means they go to HIS church. THE CHURCH OF GOD IN CHRIST. Only people who belong to COGIC are going to heaven,and anyone else may be presumed to be a thieving, lying, wife-beating faggot.

Let’s go look in your bedroom, I ask Dad. So we do. He’s got a full-sized dresser, two chesser drawers, and a filing cabinet in there, and we go through every single drawer in all of those, slowly. Well not every single drawer, because after about two hours we find the money, which the stupid self-righteous arrogant bastard had simply misplaced.

I hand Dad the envelope. “Do you want to apologize?” I ask him. “No,” he says, “I don’t need to say I’m sorry.” “You called me a thief,” I say. “No I didn’t. I asked you if you stole the money,but I didn’t SAY you stole the money. The only reason you think I need to apologize is that YOU’RE not right with God. YOU’RE the one letting the Devil tell you what to do. You don’t EVER ask your father to apologize, boy, you RESPECT your father! Don’t walk out on me! Don’t you walk out on me!”

Obviously I was walking away from him during those last two sentences. I’m still furious at him now, and I was ten times more furious at that moment, and since among the things we’d found in the drawers was a 10-pound barbell (no, I don’t understand that either), I decided I shouldn’t be in reach of any sort of bludgeoning device.

So I go home. Before the night is through I get a call from three of the five sisters. The insane bitch thinks I need to apologize to Dad on account of him being a saint in everything. The mostly-sane-except-for-her-ongoing-war-with-the-bitch thinks I should just PRETEND to apologize to keep the peace. Little Sister just wants me to be calm and do nothing rash.

Well, I feel like being rash. I really do. I’m so goddamn tired of this arrogant supercilous stupid self-important motherfucker that no amount of primal screaming will help. He’s an idiot. It’s imposible to hold a conversation with him, because if he constantly interrupts and insists that he he knows everything youwere saying even though he clearly doesn’t. I spent my childhood being terrified of him. This dogfucking pigsucking twit who thinks he has God’s ear seems to delight in making me miserable. When I was a kid he thought it was appropriate to deal with my bedwetting by beating me with a belt every time it happened, because of course I was sinning by doing it, sinning against God. He thinks that he’s right about everything he holds an opinion on, regardless of whether he actually knows a fucking thing about the goddamned subject, because he doesn’t need KNOWLEDGE to know the truth,he only needs WISDOM and the FUCKING WORD OF GOD. This isn’t the only such interaction we’ve had since my mother died,just the most egregious.

So I’m sick of him. I want this fucker out of my life. And it’d be easy. But the repercussions are just as easy to predict. People will take sides. I know the Rhymers, they’ll take sides. I can tell exactly how it’ll shake out. I’ll lose all the sisters except my baby sister, who demonstrates her positive genius by living in another city and coming home only at Xmas. I may even lose my stepdaughter. I won’t be able to blame he if she chooses him, if it comes to that, because she’ll think, “Well, Skald’s been good to me as an ADULT, but Granddaddy’s been good to me all his life, and if I have to choose I have to choose Granddaddy.”

And Granddaddy willwant her to choose, on account of being a son of bitch.

But you know, every time I see this fucker, every time we’re in the same room, he insists on picking, picking, picking. I figure each interaction accelerates my inevitable stroke by another week.

Tell me if I’m overreacting. And I am not given to asking rhetorical questions, because I am not a goddamn COGIC goatfucking minister who thinks he knows everything. I am asking because I am so fucking angry that I don’t’ trust my judgment. So tell mem what you think.

Your almost totally in the right IMO.

Having said that, let…it…go. At worst, do a half assed apology that appeases everyone but fools no one if you know what I mean. At best, just ignore the whole thing apology wise.

On the flip side, he is getting old. If you could tolerate his crap this long, you should tolerate it now because at some age, barring a fricking miracle, folks aint gonna change. Yeah, as the years build it makes it harder to take, but have things gotten worse or is it more of I cant take it anymore? Understandable for sure, but if you could take it then, can’t you take it now considering the age, and that when push comes to shove its just some hurt feelings in what was generally a private moment?

I am sure it felt good to vent though. Another consideration. Are you actually going to be happier if you stand your ground so to speak? Do you want to be right or minimize your misery? Unfortunately, those two arent always the same thing action wise.

Just an opinion.

take care and good luck

You are not overreacting, but apparently cutting off all contact will harm several relationships that are important to you. Why not just freeze him out? Don’t refuse communication, but limit every conversation to short as possible answers and do everything you can to spend as little time with him as possible.

If it were me I *would *cut him off, but I don’t risk the losses you do.

At 75ish, he’s not going to change. And most likely at 40, neither are you.

Can you still continue to see him and the rest of your family without getting an apology from him? Is he truly expecting an apology from you, and will he go on letting you be in his and your family, even if you don’t give it to him.

I would just “let it go” also. And if anyone else brings it up, just say you’ve let it go, why don’t they?

I don’t expect him apologize. He never will. If Jesus appeared bodily before him, wearing the crown of thorns and everything, turned all the water in the house to Zinfandel to establish his bona fides, and said that Dad was going to die in about five minutes and this one little was going to keep him out of heaven, Dad would still refuse to apologize and say that of course this was only a trick of the devil, as the miracle of Cana was to turn water into UNFERMENTED GRAPE JUICE rather than wine.

Last night I wanted an apology. But the reason I’m thinking of saying, “Screw it, I’ll see you next at your funeral, you sick fuck,” is that I can only expect more of the same. I’m thinking it’s time for some emotional aikido.

Wow. I wish I had some good advice, because that sounds like a really shitty situation. Can you stop making him dinner, and just be busy for a while? No reason to make announcements about anything.
If you really wanted to be passive-aggressive about it, start delivering dinner to one of the COGIC members and make them deliver it, as “Dad thinks I would steal from him”.

Of course you’re right, but is that what’s important.

There are a lot of things in the world that are better than being right?

You have to decide if this is one of them.

Should you cut off contact? Perhaps now it’s best, at least for awhile.

You need to determain what’s best for you and what you want out of a relationship.

Let me give you an example, I knew a girl Debbie, she was always late. I mean ALWAYS. Everytime I’d go someplace with her other people would be comlaining about it.

I was like, “Why does this shock you so? She’s always late, she always will be.”

But Debbie was also a lot of fun to be around. No matter how mad her lateness made you, she made up for it because she was so much fun.

But only you can decide is it worth it to be around you father.

So think about it and decide.

THEN and only then, contact him.

But do yourself a big favor, before you talk to him make darn well sure that after your conversation ends, things are going to be BETTER between you not worse. If you’re not darn well sure, put it off

What about a backhanded apology, as in “I’m sorry you are so judgemental”, would that work?

ETA: But seriously, I think I’d take a break from him. If anything, just so you don’t shove that barbell down his throat.

I am not considering apologizing, lassies & lads. Apologizing will just make him worse.

That sounds right to me. You’ll lose a lot by getting rid of him, unfortunately, which backs you into a corner. I’d definitely stop making him dinner, and only deal with him when absolutely necessary.

Maybe I’m being too traditional, but here are my thoughts: He’s a cranky old guy who is set in his ways. The fact that he doesn’t trust anyone and seems to think people are insulting him all the time suggests to me that life hasn’t treated him well, and that he’s probably depressed, especially now that he has lost his wife. He’s letting you into his house to cook for him, and he gets upset when you leave, and he’s offered you money when you have financial trouble: he cares about you.

I don’t know how far the stuff in childhood went. Maybe knowing that would make it an entirely different story. But from what you’ve said, my response would be to not cut off contact, to avoid the ensuing drama from your family, and to let him think he’s right even though you know he’s wrong.

I agree. It sounds like you’ll hurt yourself if you cut him off. See him on your terms, and only on your terms.

Well, Skald, you’re in a tough position.

I think I’d definitely spend a week thinking about it. If he calls you, you are busy. Only you can decide if it’s worth alienating the rest of your family. I wouldn’t apologize, and I wouldn’t let him push my buttons. (I know, easy advice to give.) But the rest of the family must see what’s going on. I’d say, don’t go out of your way to cut him out, but don’t go out of your way to spend time with him anymore. He won’t starve and maybe he’ll appreciate what you used to do for him a little bit. (Okay, probably not, but don’t be the one splitting your family up.) Also, just as an aside, my own father has been gone for 15 years now. We didn’t always get along, but I still miss him.

I can’t see what good Skald giving any type of apology would do, as he didn’t do anything wrong. I would probably just stop making meals for him, at least for a while. When he asks why, I’d just say something like, “I’d hate to be unfairly accused of stealing from my father again.”

I’m going to have to go against popular opinion and say asking if you took the money is not the same as accusing you of taking it and calling you a thief.

So you think suggesting I might have gone to his house, rummaged through his drawers until I found cash, and left with it is not logically equivalent to an accusation of theft?

He wasn’t asking me if I had, say, pocketed a twenty-dollar bill he dropped in the driveway without knowing it, and without my knowing whom it belonged to.

I think it depends on his reaction when you said no.

(Bolding mine.)

That’s very insightful and sympathetic (I’d love to have you in my family) but I think that last part is a bit patronizing. I don’t think bad behavior should be excused, no matter how old you are.

Skald, if your father’s behavior is stressing you out, I think you have every right to remove yourself from as much of that behavior as possible. But I wouldn’t try to get in any passive-aggressive digs about the accusation of thievery. If it comes up, change the subject – don’t be a martyr.

He asked me again, and offered to forgive me if I had. It was at this point that I decided that the conversation was best conducted without even a butter knife in hand.

I would do as others have suggested. Don’t apologize and restrict the instances when you have to see him. Don’t let him control your feelings and get under your skin.