This is really a good thread…I’m taking a lot in myself to ponder in my non-relationship with my dad. Y’all are a good bunch of folks doing the best you can with what ya got…thanks for sharing all the stories and insights!
My father and I haven’t spoken in almost five years, and he lives about 10 minutes away from my house. Without getting into the minor details of what led to the falling out, your situation is very close to mine in that my father refuses to admit (to me anyways) that what he did was wrong. And, I too, tend to have a short temper and prefer to hold people accountable for their actions.
On a handful of occasions, he has reached out to me (by email) wanting to “put the past behind us and rebuild the relationship”. My biggest issue with this is that the old problems have yet to be dealt with, and he would refuse to talk about them, much less own up to his failings. So, if we were to avoid certain topics like work, family, ethics, etc., there would be little substance to the conversation as well as the actual relationship itself.
There certainly are times when I miss him and would like him back in my life, but he isn’t the person I grew up with and worked with. After he remarried, he became a different person to satisfy the needs and whims of his new wife (my mother died of cancer and he remarried 9 months later).
I have my own family - a wife and two young kids and they are my main priority. They provide me love, attention, insanity (:D), and a sense of importance. My father would only bring me more pain, confusion, and frustration.
Life is too short to be around people who don’t make you happy.
BTW, Skald, I always enjoy reading your OP’s. I find them amusing and though-provoking. This one far more thought provoking than amusing, but enjoyable nonetheless. I hope you will soon find resolution with the relationship with your father.
I think rule one is always to remember that you can only change yourself, never the other person.
With my Dad it was necessary to accept that he would never apologize. He did, however, amend his behavior. It wasn’t easy for him, but he learned to speak respectfully to me and not to use me as fodder for his dry evil sense of humour.
I accepted the change in behavior as an acknowledgment that the previous behavior was unacceptable. Best I’m gonna get.
So far so good, but if he ever went back to treating me that way, I’d go back to ignoring his presence in the world.
So then there’s rule number two: Decide what you will/willnot accept behavior-wise. Communicate this clearly and then stick to it. If he goes back to the old behavior you have to be strong and walk away again.
The part that hurts dangerously is not when they let us down, it’s when we let outselves down by allowing it to continue.