Do you see me?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

All my life I’ve felt at odds with everyone around me.
I watched people.
I noticed things got done.
I walked around in a world, I was afraid I wasn’t really on.
Mostly it was a vague feeling
I certainly didn’t have words for it.
Often at medical procedures I disappeared. I thought. I would wake and realize the world was still here.
Same with therapy and stressful times. But I came around to where I felt like I appeared normal. I hoped.

Later in childhood, I read about magicians. I told myself I should be able to disappear. I was convinced I was doing it. I was meek and quiet and often alone. So, sure. I was invisible. Til someone called my name. The spell was broken.

I grew up more and knew this was a hoax I had fallen for.
I continued to hide and sneak around and stay very quiet and as small as I could. I couldn’t quite shake the thought I was not really supposed to be here, alive and with a purpose. I set out to find a purpose.
That must be the answer.

I still did various therapies. No one was able to make me understand why I felt this way. I gave up.

I got to adulthood and was busy and mostly ignored the nagging belief I wasn’t real. Or even here.
Life work kinda sets a path. When the baby cries or the paint is drying it’s a call to action. So you move.

My Daddy said “quit staring at your belly button, girl” Then he’d pinch my chin and ask, did I feel that? “You’re real!”

I carried on. I was perfectly happy to be busy. I looked for busy work.

As my health fails. My world grows smaller. Things are not easy as they were, I find I’m alone listening to the world move around me, again.
I’m feeling invisible again.
Just moments of it.

That old friend I’m not really here comes visiting in the early morning. When everyone is outside or very busy. I can hear them, they seem very far away.
Then it comes crashing back. Kids and dogs jump on my bed, squealing, giggling and barking. Ivy crowds me. Time to move.

Now I’m worried, what it will be like when it doesn’t crash back in?

I think I always was visible and really here. I was just afraid to be.
Invisibility was a shield as a struggling youth. Now it just feels like a trap.

A trap to the invisible.

2

I see that some of us share different views of the same existential battle.

I hope you find peace, comfort, and self-acceptance along your path. :purple_heart:

3

Yes.

And your impact on the lives of others, human and non-human, has been considerable. Next time this hits: go ask JoJo whether you’re real.

I have had people not see me. But the cats always do.

4

I can relate. I wasn’t 100% innocent of causing that, so I can’t sing “We didn’t start the fire”, but most of the at-odds adversarial shit was started by everyone around me.

Rather than feeling like I was entirely not real and entirely not there at all, I’ve occasionally felt like I’m in a script, where all the other people are reading their lines and moving the staged performance towards a dramatic but not very pleasant conclusion, and I’m uniquely unaware of the plot of the story!

That may seem like the polar opposite of “I am not real” — it expresses itself more like “nobody else is being real” — but it has more in common with “I am not real” than it might appear. At its creepiest, it’s the sense that I’m actually just a character in some work of fiction, a character in a movie or play or book.

But I think I should point out that I don’t believe this to be true; it’s an emotional experience, a “seems like” sensation that I suspect is similar to what you describe.

But like with solipsism (the notion that the entirety of one’s life experience is just something you’ve conjured up in your imagination and none of it is real outside of your head), there’s nowhere to go with it if it were to be true.

I think it’s a characteristic of alienation, of prolonged lack of a sense of connection to others. Some of us who have lived rather isolated lives — and especially those of us who kind of started out that way, and maybe improved our belongingness-with-others as we got older but never quite believed in the reality of that — are more prone to being haunted by that than most folks are.

Although I suspect everyone gets a little trace of that now and then.

You ever listen to Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime” and nod along to the lyrics?

5

Cats see what is really there. I love my cats.

6

People are self-centered, unreliable assholes at best, so best not to worry too much about whether they see you…

7

Not to complicate things even more, but what you’re describing seems to me like it could be traumatic derealization or depersonalization.

You’ve been through a lot, and this is a fairly typical coping mechanism because sometimes existing is just really hard, and it feels safer to just not exist.

But I think a lot of people in your life see you and we know you exist and you’re very loved.

8

I have to say, most people have been nice to me or at the least, indifferent.

My cats have been known to ignore, befuddle, enrage and hide. Occasionally they hate me. And then they purr and all is forgiven.

I’m not too worried about what the mass of humans and pets think of me. (And recently the virtual realm)
I just feel apart from it, at moments.
Like the world is on a mission but I’m adrift.

Today, as a Mom I just wish I was invisible again. For real. All the attention has me looking for a hidey hole to crawl into.

See, my mind is confused about it all.

9

I frequently wish I was invisible, so I get that part. But that’s because of my social anxiety.

10

Wow! That sounds legit.
Thx.

11

Well said!

Were all on our own existential journey wether or not we know or.

And my youngest was persistent with her existential questions too, I don’t think I answered them satisfactorily either. Ive been thinking about her lately and I do see she’s making a path in life that makes her feel real in today’s world.

AND did anyone else get an immediate ear worm See Me/ Listening to You.

12

Who said that? Is somebody here?

13

Don’t piss Tommy off. (That’s an inside joke, don’t be concerned).

It’s all so existential. It wears me out.