I was actually considering making a post about my mother’s adoption search. In my case, most of it would have been downright amusing because of the outcome so far. But that’s not what I intended to address here.
My mother was adopted in 1946. After 54 years on this planet, she’d expressed many times a desire to have some information about her “background.” There were things holding her back and we talked about it on occasion. Finally, I ended up doing the legwork and tracking some things down for her.
Now I’m not so sure how I feel about this topic. On the one hand, I see value in an adoption being permanent and final. My mother gave deep consideration to the things she might run into regarding her birth mother. Was the woman married to a man who was unaware she’d had a child? Would there be siblings involved who would be angered or upset in some way? The list of possibilities is endless…a myriad of situations that could cause misery for the birth family AND for the adopted daughter are possible.
In the end, HER decision was to start a limited search. We are still working on it. And in this case, the point is moot because the age of the birth mother at the time of childbirth was old enough that there is almost zero chance she’s still around to be harmed in any way by my mother’s actions.
I do understand arguments for the birth parents’ privacy and anonymity. But because of my experience, I feel there are certain things about yourself you should have a right to know. I was shocked and angered to find out the ways in which Catholic Social Services (in this case) took steps to make sure my mother couldn’t find out who she was. When I began my search, I was told that there was a 0% chance that my mother knew her real birthdate. Adoption agencies changed them within a couple of months to make sure the child couldn’t find out about themselves using their birthdate as a search mechanism.
She doesn’t know her own birthdate.
To me, that’s a powerful sentence. I suppose you could say that’s trite information, not really important to who you grow up to be. But there are other things as well…such fundamental, basics to who we are.
I’m not sure I’m convinced that the adopted “child” should be given a birth family’s name and address and free reign to contact them whenever they like. I do believe, however, that there ought to be certain information a person has an inalienable right to. Catholic social services lied outright to my mother and her adoptive family. They lied about ethnic heritage, the age of the birth mother, and the circumstances surrounding my mother’s birth. I don’t mean to say they didn’t give out any information, or left things blank. I mean they literally MADE SHIT UP and my mother believed it to be true until she was 54 years old.
This angers me and it hurt my mother and I see no reason that it should be acceptable.
Hmm…still trying to decide if I should make that post or not…
-L
They have told me that if I ever wanted to look they would fully support me and give me all their help.