Should I seek out my birth mother?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve seen episodes of “Melrose Place” that are less convoluted and dramatic than what I’m going through right now…

I am going on a cruise from NY to Nova Scotia this Thursday. Since I haven’t traveled internationally since I was in my teens, I don’t have a passport. No big deal, sez the cruise company, just bring a copy of your birth certificate with a raised seal and you’ll be fine. I made arrangements to visit my mom’s place on Long Island this past weekend in order to pick up said birth certificate.

Anyway, when I got to my mom’s house, she was at work and didn’t leave directions as to where to find the birth certificate, and I had to basically tear the house apart to find it. I eventually called my mom at work and asked her where to find this thing, and she tells me it’s in a fireproof box under her bed. I retrieve the box and find the certificate. However, I also find a couple other things…

Since Day One, my mom and dad have always told me I was adopted. In retrospect, this was probably the best way to handle it: I’ve never really entertained any “Let’s go find my birth mother” quests a la Skippy Handleman from “Family Ties.” Nor has the notion of being adopted really ever depressed me or affected me in any way.

I digress. In the fireproof box, I also found some documentation concerning my adoption. There were some documents filed with the State of New York that allowed for a birth certificate to be issued. On these papers was the name of my birth mother and her legal guardian at the time. I also found out the place of my birth. Strangely enough, there was no mention of my birth father on the documentation, save for a brief line about his consent not being needed because of an attached affidavit (that wasn’t attached to this particular copy).

In my 28 years of existence, I’ve never known fact one about my birth parents. As far as I was concerned, prior to my experience yesterday, these people have never had names. Now I’ve got a name and a location to start searching, if I want to.

I’ve never really entertained the idea of searching for my birth mother. I’ve never really had a need to. At this point in my life, though, there are some questions I’d like to have answered with regard to genetic predisposition to certain diseases. I’d like to know if there’s any history of cancer in my genetic family. I’d also like to know if there is a history of obesity (I’ve been overweight since I was a kid.) Also, there are some silly things I’d like to know, like whether or not my maternal grandfather was bald (I’m starting to lose hair and I’d like to know whether I should go for Rogaine, etc.) I’ve just started an extensive exercise program and I can’t provide answers to my personal trainer about family histories, and it’s kind of annoying.

Here’s the real problem. My mother (the one who raised me) is going through a tough period. She and my dad are divorcing after 35 years of marriage. I’m worried that opening this 28-year-old can of worms now would probably be a bad thing for her.

Is anyone on the SDMB adopted? If so, did you ever locate your birth parents? Can such a search be done on the q.t., or will it require my family’s assistance? Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

Also, one more thing… I can’t enlist the help of the lawyer who took care of the adoption. He is a family friend and my godfather, and he would tell my mom as soon as I made an inquiry.

Thanks.

2

I’m dating a guy who is going through the same thing. He knows the name of his birth mother and the town where he was born, but can’t search openly as it would insult and hurt his mother.

So far his plan is to visit the town, make some inquiries, but not be forceful or too inquisitive. There’s a chance this woman doesn’t want to be found, and I think he wants to respect that.

Mostly, he just has questions (as I’m sure you do) that he wants answered - mostly his nationality and the personalities and characteristics of his parents.

Sorry I’m not much help, but I can sympathize with what you’re going through. Good luck!!

3

Thespos,

I attempted to contact my birth mother about 2 1/2 - 3 years ago through my states Intermediary program. The records were sealed so that was the only way to get any information on her.

Anyhow, I found out she still lives in town and has a horrible recent past. (last one I know about was assualt with a weapon – a knife – in a domestic dispute 1995). I did find out a little about my medical history and that my birth father was 10 years older than her but that’s it about him.

After many tries, she turned down meeting me. Which at first hurt but now it’s not so painful.

You can really be opening a can of worms for yourself more than anyone else. This is a delicate matter and your birth mother may not want to be contacted.

Personally, if I were you, I would contact a local adoptees organization (sometimes they have “triad” organizations) and get listed there. There’s also a national registry located in Carson City Nevada I don’t recall the name of it at the moment. This way if she wants to be found you will not surprise her.

Also, since all of this is new to you and you are concerned about your mom, this gives you some time to think it through. Meaning, you may find it deep in your heart you don’t want to know. The registry idea helps you in that if you are contacted by her then you can make the final decision as to whether or not you want to go forward.

Look to your heart before making the leap. It can be joyous and it can be heartbreaking. You may have found your new best friend or you may have found a horrible woman that you wish would go away. There are no easy answers when it comes to taking that step. It took me 10 years of thinking about it before I made the final decision to seek her actively.

4

I forgot to add. One of the best books about the adoptee I have ever read is Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. If you have never read this, I recommend it.

5

Like you I am adopted. Also like you my parents told me this from day one and it is definitely the best way to handle it should anyone else reading this choose to adopt a child. At age 4 the answer is meaningless and you just grow-up with the knowledge. I also (personally) believe my adoptive mom is my mom. Bless the woman who gave me birth but raising a child for (33 years now…parenting doesn’t end at 18) is the REAL job and I’d never consider my birth mom as someone replacing my adoptive mom.

That said I have also wished to seek out my birth mom. Partly for medical reasons (I’m fine…just wanna know if there is anything I should be concerned with) but mostly out of curiosity. Even more than meeting my birth mom is the curiosity of brothers and sisters. I have my own, rather large, family of brothers and sister but chances are good I have genetic brothers and sisters…at least half-brothers and sisters…out there somewhere.

Interestingly enough a cousin of mine recently found her birth mom and has practically disowned her adoptive mom in favor of this woman. The whole story is a bit more complex but I still think my aunt is getting a raw deal on this one. I believe my mom’s reaction to my searching would have been the same without watching my cousin do all of this but this family soap opera brought it to the fore and my mom let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she would view my searching for my birth mom VERY badly.

What does this mean for you? Nothing really. Every family is different and its a call you have to make on your own. I have known other adoptees who had their adoptive parents full support in a search for their birth moms.

I would say, with the info you have, that you have an excellent chance of finding this woman if you choose to proceed. There are tons of resources on the internet that can aid you in this from moral support to practical help. You can also hire a variety of search agencies that specialize in this sort of thing.

I would say, however, that you should leave your birth mom an out should you track her down. Some women welcome their child reappearing 28 years later and some want no part of them. Have a third party make contact via letter explaining the situation. The letter can let her know of your interest to meet (should you wish it) but if she’s not ok with that then no problem…you’ll let the matter drop. However, express your wish for a medical history even if she does not wish to meet that can be forwarded to the third party. Chances are she’ll oblige that request at least. Whatever happens try not to take any of it personally. Chances are your birth was a traumatic time in your birth mom’s life and different people react to stuff like that in different ways. It’s no reflection on you.

Good luck…keep us posted on your search. I, for one, would be interested to see how it turns out!

6

I did an internship at an adoption agency. I got to meet both adoptive parents and birth parents that way.

If I was the adoptive parent, I would totally understand a grown child wanting to understand genetic answers. Everytime I take my kids to a new dr. I have to fill out 2 pages of family history medical information. Are you sure she wouldn’t support your decision?

If you expected that the birth mother would be thrilled to see you, that might be asking too much. She might be very happy to know what has become of you so that she can come to terms with that extremely tough decision she had to make all those years ago. Or she might be upset that you found her. You could end up being friends, or you might just have a discussion about medical history and never talk again.

In Missouri they have an adoptive registration (or did several years ago, I guess they still do). If the adoptee, the birth mother and/or father, and the adoptive parents all register, then after the adoptee’s 18 birthday the information for contact is shared. I don’t know if you have something like that there or not.

It’s a very personal decision.

7

I never knew my birth mother. Sometimes I wonder if I look like her, that’s about it. Well, that and the secret hope that she is now a millionaire, and when she dies, she will leave me her fortune. :slight_smile:

8

I have heard stories that birth mothers don’t WANT to meet the children they gave up, and it upsets them when they are found.
Maybe that’s something to consider…

9

My sister gave up her son for adoption 16 years ago. She has kept in touch with the agency that handled the adoption in case he ever wants to find her, but she has said she’ll never seek him herself. So maybe a single phone call will give you an answer once and for all. Or not. You never know…

10

I’m adopted and I’ve always known about it. All I know about my birth mom is that she was 17 years old when she had me.

I’d like to find her someday, and my parents have repeatedly told me that I will have their full support and help when that day comes - they don’t want me to feel guilty or alone when I try to do it.

Obviously I’d like to know my medical history. I’m curious about siblings, and maybe being in the same room as people who look and laugh like me. I don’t need a new mom or dad, and I wouldn’t want to disrupt her life.
Most of all I’d like to thank my birth mom for having me and making what must have been a difficult decision. I’d like to say “Hey, look, I turned out great! Thanks for giving me this whole wonderful life and these fantastic parents who love me!”

So, someday, I’ll do it - proceeding as sensitively as possible.

THespos, be honest with your mom about your intentions and tell her why you want to look. Include her as much as possible, remind her that SHE’S your mom. Even if she seems hurt or upset about it, involve her in the process as much as possible. You’ll avoid hurting her feelings in the long run and she’ll be there for you if things with your birth mom go awry. Good luck.

11

Maybe I just don’t know enough about adoption but I just have a question. Wouldn’t it be wise for adoption agencies to make the birth mother/father fill out a medical history page for the adoptive parents to keep? I would think that this wouldn’t be too time consuming and it would make it a lot easier for the adoptive parents to fill out forms for their doctors. Maybe some places do this, I don’t know.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It’s a tough decision I’m sure. I hope everything works out.

12

They usually do, but a lot happens in 28 years. The 15 year old that gave birth is now a middle-aged adult with new medical conditions and has probably had relatives diagnosed with medical conditions that little was known about 28 years ago.

13

What an opportunity. I, too, am adopted. I also have never really had a burning desire to meet my biological parents but, like some others have said, am curious . . . Do I have my mother’s eyes, my father’s lips, etc. I couldn’t love my parents any more than I do but, I think perhaps, given the opportunity you’ve been given I’d go for it. Like a couple of others have said, I would probably try to reach her through a third party.

Good luck, THespos. Please, please give us an update!

14

I’m adopted as well, and if you’d have asked me 10 years if I wanted to find my birth parents, my answer would have been “HELL NO!” As someone pointed out already, my adopted parents did all the work, suffered when I went through my “asshold adolescent” stage, and basically earned the right to be considered my real parents.

Today? A very slight change in my attitude. My wife has convinced me that it might be nice to have medical history information, but that’s the only change. And I still think that, unless you trying to solve some mysterious health issue, you don’t need to know.

The other part that’s changed is that my wife and I have been trying to have kids for several years now, and we’ve just about exhausted all the medical possibilities. So, ironically, this leave me looking into becoming an adoptive parent. Before I do, though, I want to know that there’s no way the birth parents can find out anything about the child we might adopt. Either you’re the parent or not; there’s no such thing as a part-time parent.

15

I think this is pretty on-point. People always say that they want to know because of medical reasons, but I bet less than 3% of the situations actually are because an adopted child needs some family medical history and doesn’t have it.

Lump me in with the other adopted kids. I went through a period of time (around age 19-20) where I was positive that I wanted to go meet my birth mother. But I didn’t, and in retrospect, I’m really glad I didn’t.

You just need to stop and think about what you are trying to gain with any potential meeting, and whether that is worth it considering all that could happen. Consider all of the history, emotions, and awkwardness you are about to throw in the blender, and remember, once the blender is done, you must drink down the concoction whether you like the taste or not.

Consider that she might have a new family that doesn’t know her history for whatever reason. Just consider the ramifications on both sides, not just yours. IMO, this unknown woman made a great sacrifice in what she did for me (and in what all of you adoptee’s Birth Mothers did for you) and who knows where she is in her life now?

Anyway, that’s my 2¢.

16

i was adopted shortly after birth, and my parents never tried to hide it from me. as several people have pointed out already, this is definitely the way to go. we even had a book about the process, it was called the chosen baby, iirc. it’s still at my parents’ house somewhere, probably. but anyway, i’ve had passing curiosities about my birth parents, but i doubt i’ll ever begin searching for them in earnest. at the most I’d maybe look up some information about them, where they are, what they do for a living, shit like that… but i’d never call them up and ask them do to lunch or anything. there is some background and medical history info that i’ve got at home somewhere… all i recall offhand is that obesity is supposed to run in my family, which is odd since i’ve always been pretty thin, except for nearing the end of college when i had a few extra pounds from too much beer and fried food. and as for the lawyer/godfather that facilitated the process, i think that lawyer-client privelege extends beyond the courtroom. if he’s working with you in an official capacity, he can’t tell your mother about it without breadking that confidentiality.

17

At this point, I’d be happy with a letter from my birth mother pointing out any family history of disease. I think that EVERYONE should have their family medical history, regardless of whether there is an adoption involved or not. My mother (the one that raised me, not my biological mom) is a survivor of three different types of cancer, and she’s a survivor because she is aware of her family’s history with the disease, and she has checkups more frequently than most people.

What if she were the one who was adopted? What if she never knew about her family’s history with cancer? Would she be alive today? Probably not.

Believe me, there is a lot of personal curiosity involved in this decision, but I’m most concerned about genetics here. As I mentioned in my OP, I have a history with obesity. It would be nice to know whether others genetically related to me also struggle with this. Additionally, I have an irregular heartbeat. Again, what is my genetic history with respect to heart disease? I won’t know until I ask.

I can certainly appreciate that my biological mother might not be thrilled to hear from me. And yes, I’m prepared to be sensitive to this. But I wouldn’t be too thrilled about entering my thirties without at least some basic medical history.

Yes, like ZeGirl, I am curious about father’s eyes and mom’s lips. But I’m most concerned with what other things my biological folks have passed on to me and what I may pass on to my own children someday.

18

For starters:

This is a near-myth. The majority of birth mothers have the same natural curiosity about the children they relinquished as the children do for the birthparents. Some of them do not want to know anything, this is true. Most would be happy with knowing that the child is alive and happy.

I myself have an open adoption. The daughter I relinquished is 12 years old now. Her birthfather and I chose her adoptive parents, from the many couples in the files at Catholic Social Services (no, we did not know them prior to the adoption). We have had a wonderful continuing relationship with them. You could say it was like a marriage. Our families just kind of came together over this child, and for us, it’s been great. My daughter knows who I am. I know that she is happy, healthy, and loved. Our type of situation is not for everyone, but it’s working for us.

FWIW, I am also an adoptee (I was raised by my birthmother, but adopted by my stepfather when I was 2). My mother also placed a baby for adoption–my older sister. My sister and our family were reunited in 1988. Shortly after that, I found out about my own adoption (I had never been told). I also learned that my sister and I have the same birthfather. My sister and I have a great relationship. We searched for our birthfather, and were reunited with him in 1991. We are not as close to him (he lives in Florida, so distance hasn’t allowed for us to get terribly close), but we do have a good relationship. My mother and my sister also get along beautifully.

The moral of my story? THespos, you have to do what’s right for you. Searching for your birthmother is not something against your mom–it is something for you, should you choose to do it. Like mine, your reunions may be joyous, and continue to be great. Then again, they may not work at all. You’ll never really know until they happen, if you decide you want them to happen.

If you do decide to search, I would strongly recommend that you tell your adoptive parents that your are doing so. Having them find out later, on their own, could result in some hard feelings. Let them know, though, that they are your parents. I said this over and over and over again to my own dad while I was searching for my birthfather (he was a little hurt). But he soon realized that I meant it. I wasn’t looking for a new dad–the one I have is great. I was just looking for another piece of what makes me me. I’m glad I searched, and I’m happy with the way things have turned out, mostly. You see, I also discovered that my birthfather is an adoptee too, so I’m sort of interested in finding his birthfamily too…