Adopted Dopers - Your Input, Please

In My Humble Opinion
1

How much do you know about the medical history of your biological parents? I was adopted and know nothing about my biological parents. A few years ago the government of Alberta changed some laws to make it possible for adoptees to get information, assuming one of the involved parties didn’t veto being included.

I’m now 37 years old and getting to a point where I would like to know if I am prone to having a heart attack, or kidney disease or whatever else may happen. FTR, I am in pretty good health right now - no problems on cardiac stress tests, no problems with cholesterol or anything that could effectivly be effectively measured.

One of my cousins is adopted as well and she went and got in contact with her birth mother. It turned out really good for both of them - the birth mother is married and has a family and Mia (my cousin) has spent time with all of them and they seem to have a good relationship. I don’t know if I want a relationship with my biological parents or not. Right now I lean towards not.

So, fellow adopted Dopers:

  1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go?
  2. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents?
  3. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they?
  4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38?
2

I am not adopted, but I will share the stories of three acquaintances:

  1. Former roommates’s mom: She sought her birth parents, and ended up getting really depressed when she found them, as they were practically poverty cases, and she had ended up getting adopted into a rather well-off family.

  2. Former acquaintance (well, “former” because she lives in another town): She simply had no interest in finding out, and neither did her also-adopted (but genetically unrelated) sister.

  3. My gal: Same as 2. She said pretty much the same thing. Yes, she had always been curious, but not to the point of actually trying to track them down.

As always, YMMV.

3

Adoptee checking in:
1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go?
I contacted the county through which I was adopted. Due to a genetic disease I have (ploycystic kidney disease) I was told I could obtain my parents medical records fairly easily - I needed to send a letter requesting the records and include a letter from my doctor. However, I have not done this.
2. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents?
No. I have some info about them, and I am somewhat curious, but I don’t know if it’s something I will ever do. I have the best parents in the world now.
3. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they?
n/a
4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38?
You can have genetic testing done to point out possible problems without going back to your bio-parents. Who is to say whether the records they may have provided were accurate? Although it would be nice to be able to complete the “Family History” part of my medical chart with something other than a red marker noting “DO NOT KNOW”.

As I have posted in other adoption threads, I had accustomed myself to being the result of a one night stand only to later find out that it was a professor/student relationship at a nearby University. The nifty 3" x 5" card with my info was very vague on paternal information, but that was done purposely. She knew him very well.

4

I made a stab at getting records about 8 years ago. I was put in touch with the lawyer who originally handled it. Unfortunately, although he did get in touch with my mother through the adoption agency, they didn’t really get me what I wanted. All I got was a letter from the agency explaining the circumstances of my birth and some information about her current family. To top it off, I was told that the contact from the agency prompted her to tell her current family that she had given up a child for adoption—something she still hadn’t done after 30 years. It was rather upsetting, overall. I really wasn’t interested in that kind of contact at the time, and it seems the agency thought I was trying to initiate it.

5

How did you find out that you have a genetic disease? Did you have kidney problems that led to the discovery?

Were you trying to get medical records? Anyways, that sucks that the biological mother was put in an unpleasant situation.

I’m not really interested in contact with my bio-rents, just their medical histories.

6

  1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go?
    I did request my non-identifying information from the agency I was placed through, but that didn’t give me any information. I basically know nothing.

  2. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents?
    Nope. I know my birth name but I haven’t gone much further looking.

  3. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they?
    No contact at all.

  4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38?
    Eh - I gotta go sometime, right?

7

Yes, I specifically asked for medical records, so I’m not sure why they handled it the way they did. Things were very closed at that time, though.

We were in the process of moving cross-country when the information came, so I didn’t really have time to handle it well.

8

1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go? About 12 years ago I got the basic info: heritage & medical records of the family up to when I was born.
2. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents? If you are familiar with my tale that is often posted here, the reason why I haven’t sought out contact is pretty simple. Whomever the woman was that gave birth to me wanted me to have a better life. I don’t think she ( nor my adoptive mother) would have planned or ever foreseen the travesty of genetic disease that has decimated the family I am a part of now. I don’t want to make her regret doing what she thought was best and really I don’t want to find out if they/she/he are living in a van down by the river. I also don’t want to hurt my moms feelings who has dealt with so much heartache over the years.

Everyone is happier in their own pipe dreams, IMHO, in this very limited example.

3. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they? No. See above.

**4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38? ** Being that I am 38 and other than migraines ( and sudden hearing loss in one ear) I’m fine I’m not dead yet! I know *exactly * what you are thinking about this issue. Will I get some nasty tumor/breast cancer/polyps/gout/whatever suddenly and most painfully? ( And expensive and not covered by the insurance company?)

I sometimes think that people who are genetically related get sick because everyone before them got sick. Instead of changing what happens or taking better care of themselves, they follow the same negative eating and living habits. Y’follow?

I have excellent health and have recently decided rather than dwell on the Big Fat Whatifs of life ( The genetic conundrum that us adoptees are.) to take a proactive position on my overall health. I am eating whole wheat/whole grain foods, juicing, vitamins and supplements, yoga and meditating. When I get a chance I walk, swim and occaisionally bike ride.

Do I want to meet my birth parents and any subsequent siblings that they have had either together or seperately with other SO’s? Yes. But I don’t want to intrude and I don’t want them to intrude on my privacy either.

I just want to find out where my sense of humor came from ( is it biological or enviromental or a mix of both?) and who I look like more and is it just me that is so scatterbrained or is it a family thing that I can blame it all on or a survival instinct that I learned from my own family’s ups and mostly downs?

But, I treasure my own peace, wouldn’t change a thing and it still doesn’t stop me from looking at strangers faces wondering…

As an example, I have been reading the very funny ( to me at least, YMMV) Enslaved by ducks by Bob Tarte, who is a writer based in Michigan. I’ve never heard of him until I happened upon this book. The way this guy writes and how he thinks is near identical to my own. It’s freaky…very freaky…especially the way he writes about putting the least amount of effort into things so as to save his energy for an afternoon nap and I thought I was the only one who did that! …and I did the math of his age and when I was born thinking…'I wonder if he could be my real dad…" but he would have been too young.
I’m leaving it to chance.

9

Bingo. During an MRI for other issues the doctor noticed something “off” about them. A few more tests later and I was diagnosed with PKD. The doctor, obviously not seeing the aforementioned heavy red marked note “DO NOT KNOW” with regards to my medical history ran down a few facts about PKD (including mortality rates/critical issues and other doom & gloom aspects) ending with the comment “You should be familiar with this disease as one of your parents have it”. I then pointed out the adoption bit to which she turned a lovely shade of tomato. Idiot.

10

1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go? My adoptive mother got really nervous whenever I brought this up and assured me that not only were my parents healthy but they were “pure Aryan stock,” which made me feel like a . . . I don’t know, a pedigreed bitch, part nazi? But I pursued it and got ONE SHEET from the hospital. This happened by mistake. I had contacted the hospital for information, years before, and been told they had none. But they closed the hospital and somebody who didn’t read the whole file sent me a letter saying my record would be destroyed unless I let them know otherwise, so I did. The sheet I got basically said that my bio mom had general anesthesia for the c-section and that I weighed 6 lb 15 oz and had the proper newborn reflexes.
.
2. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents? My bio mom is dead. I have been in contact with full brother, half brother & half sister, nobody is in contact with my bio father.

3. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they? No contact with birth parents. Contact with siblings would never have happened without an intensive Internet search on everybody’s part.

4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38? Of course you don’t. In my adopted family there are many hereditary diseases including bipolarism, diabetes, and heart disease, plus my adopted mother and about half of all the female relatives on that side of the family had a tendency to go bald about age 30 (yes; bald). And with all this there were people who thought my adoptive parents were quite brave to take a chance on somebody else’s genes! But now I know that my bio family is prone to some of the same diseases, although not the baldness. At any rate one of the questions doctors always ask at a physical is if your parents are alive and if not, how old were they when they died–and I had no idea. Now I do. (Mother dead of heart attack, age 72, father still alive, living under an assumed name and lying about his age. Says he’s 12 years younger than he actually is.)

Just as an aside: I am also on the OTHER side of the birth/adoption triangle, as a person who gave up my first child. He located me, using medical necessity as the means to get the information. So that’s been interesting, particularly the part where his adoptive mother took me out to lunch. It had taken her about a year to get used to the idea and not feel . . . I don’t know what. Threatened, maybe. He was actually a spur and a great help in my locating my biological siblings.

11

Another adopted Doper weighing in:

So, fellow adopted Dopers:

  1. Have you done anything to get medical records and how did it go?

**I did contact the agency and they responded with non-identifying information that took about three sentences to convey. Almost no meaningful medical history at all. It just wasn’t there and I suppose at that time they didn’t ask the kinds of things they do now. **

  1. Have you had any actual contact with your biological parents?
    No.

  2. If you did have contact, did you initiate or did they?

N/a
4. Do I really want to know if I am prone to dying at 38?[/

I’ve had thirty-some years to think this one over. I made an attempt to get information but there just really isn’t any. I’ve made do over the years when asked about medical history and feel lucky that thus far I’ve always been hearty and healthy. I guess my lame answer is that it’s not really disturbing me all that much to not know if bio mom had this or if bio grandmother had that. I’ve lived this way my whole life and am accustomed to leaving those things blank, so to speak. I’m okay with belonging only to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be glad to have the information if it were available. But it isn’t there and there’s a whole mountain to be moved to try to get it. I counter this with doing my best on preventive health care and testing where it’s needed. The years of consideration I’ve given to initiating contact has brought me to the conclusion that while I won’t rule it out absolutely in the future, I just don’t want to right now.

A friend once told me, “Why are you waiting? Don’t you know that people age, people die? What if you decide to find her and when you do, she’s already passed away?”

Sigh Gotta love her. She’s one of those rocks in the middle of the stream - everything and everyone else must flow around her. She didn’t understand my explanation. :rolleyes: