A few disclaimers and some background information:
I’m not posting this for sympathy. Typically I am against posting any sort of “woe is me, here’s my problems” type of threads…because I mainly view the SDMB as recreation, and not somewhere I come to be brought down or bring anyone else down.
I’m 31 years old. My parents have always been very open about that fact that I was adopted, and it was never really a big deal. I remember even before I was 5 them having a discussion with me about what it meant, and what the situation was.
So then, for most of my life it’s never, ever been anything that was an issue for me. I went through a phase in my late teens where I thought I wanted to seek her out, but ultimately I concluded it was not worth it. Eerily enough, I just posted this 5 days ago in a recent MPSIMS thread on adoption.
Yep. So, Thursday evening I get my mail, and I see a card addressed to me. I didn’t recognize the return addy, but my birthday was this past week (actually my BD was on Thursday, so this is an added birthday treat for me). I expected it was a friend or family member. I go in to the house and stand at the kitchen counter. Opening the card, there’s 2 pictures inside. A 40s something lady and 2 20-ish kids. I’m looking at these pictures, trying to figure out if I know these people. I unfold the letter that’s inside the card. Begin reading:
>>Dear [real name],
>>On April 8th, 1973 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy…
“Holy F’ing S” (kept PG for MPSIMS) was all that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t even read any further. I repeated that statement about 138 times. I ask my wife to dump a large amount of vodka into a glass for me. Take my drink, go sit down and start reading.
I’m not going to quote the whole letter, as it was almost a page long of typed text. Here’s the important stuff.
• She was 16.
• She found me via “adoption search and support groups”. (wtf that means?)
• I’m fully Irish. (hmm, that big glass of vodka in my hands suddenly makes a little more sense).
• She’s one of 8 kids (!) and all of her siblings and her parents are still alive.
• I have a half sister who is 25 and a half brother who is 19
• She said she’s not trying to be my mother or make up for lost time, realizes that I have a mother and she respected that.
• She lives in the greater Pittsburgh area, probably not 15 minutes from one of the places I lived about 10 years ago.
• She left me snail mail addy, phone # and email addy. Said she wanted to hear from me but she understood completely if I didn’t respond, that she’d respect whatever decision I made.
• Noticeably absent was any information about my bio-father.
Overall, the letter was well thought out and about as polite and considerate and she said all the right things (or at least what seem to me to be the right things, if I was in her position).
Jesus. What a headf*** this whole thing is.
First and foremost, I decided that I was going to wait a minimum of one month before I did anything. I have a bad habit of letting anger get the better of me in a lot of cases and that’s not going to happen here. I need time to digest this.
I wound up going out on Thursday and getting obliterated, and I called my parents (my real parents, not this lady) at about one in the AM and christ only knows what I said. I see from my cell phone that the call lasted almost an hour.
I do know that my mother is very angry, and my wife is also very angry. I am just confused, and I guess my whole point in posting is to try and get some perspective that I don’t have now. Help? Heh – that sounds stupid…I know this is my decision to make but I’m just hoping for some insight. I read elmwood’s (I think it was elmwood, anyway) “F-You, birth mother” Pit thread and that just sounded horrible. But, in fairness, other than the adoption and the potential meeting, nothing else is really the same. Elmwood expressed concerns about loneliness and aging parents and no other family. I have a lot of family that I am close with. IF I decide I will go anywhere with this, it will mainly be to satisfy a curiosity and my I will have no expectations of having a new family or anything like that.
My wife is concerned because she thinks if I am go forward with this that I am just setting myself up for what is potentially a lot of letdown, drama and pain. I see where she’s coming from but I think this can only be as dramatic as I let it. If it turns out this lady is a nutcase, I tell her to FOAD and then I’m right back where I was a week ago, except now I know who my birthmother is and that I want nothing to do with her.
The two burning questions I have are: “Why now?” and “What is she hoping to do by making this contact?” I’m strongly considering writing her with
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling but I’d appreciate any insight.