Need help with Birth Mother relationship (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start.

At 3 months old, my father’s parents legally adopted me. I lived with my grandparents and Dad until I was 12, then my dad went away to college and it was just my grandparents and I after that. My grandmother, who I called Mom, died in 1991 when I was 18 and my grandfather, who I called Poppa, died in 2004. I’ve always maintained a close relationship with my father.

In 1999, my birth mother contacted me about health problem that could be hereditary. I was excited to hear from her, but tentative.

I didn’t hear much about her when I was growing up. My family NEVER bashed her in any way. My family never told me why they kept me from her, but I knew that they had to have a good reason. It was just something that wasn’t spoken about.

The first 2 years or so were great. I felt like we were forming a bond. Then, she moved a few thousand miles away. Since her moving back , I’ve seen her probably 5 times, and that’s pushing it. Our regular contact is through email.

On January 26th, my boyfriend proposed. We set our little wedding date for February 21st. We only invited my Dad & Step Mother, my hubby’s parents and our best friends. We were getting married at City Hall and didn’t want to invite a ton of people. As it were, only my parents and our best friends came. (Hubby’s parents live 600 km away). Our decision upset a lot of people, but I digress.

Last night I received this email from her:

I was angry when I received the email last night. It took me all night and most of today to come up with this response:

Where do I go from here? I’m truly lost.

Like I said, my family never bashed her in any way, in fact, she just wasn’t brought up. I’m not sure if that’s right or wrong, but that’s just how it was. To be honest, I’ve seen behaviours in her over the past few years to make me think about her mental stability.

Anyone else ever go through anything like this?

2

Have you asked her outright to tell you your story through her eyes? That’s where I’d want to start. You’re absolutely right that holding this “you don’t know” nonsense over your head when she’s the one not sharing is bullshit. It’s manipulative and it’s crap, and you deserve better. Either she tells you, or she doesn’t get to use it to make you feel bad.

Sorry if that was a little blunt. I’ve always known all of my parents, but there was a similar mystery around my parent’s divorce that was kept from me, and it always drove me batty. I knew just enough to know things didn’t add up. Once the keystone was put into place (from my dad’s point of view, they had an open marriage, from my mother’s, they didn’t), then all the rest of it finally stood firm. I was able to stop blaming either one of them (he for being a philanderer or her for throwing him out) and just get that it was a bad marriage between great friends who couldn’t communicate to save their lives. The whole mystery was just bullshit, and once it was revealed, there was no drama left.

You’re old enough to learn your own story, even if it’s embarrassing for your mother. If she’s not willing to give you the gift of your own history, then I just don’t think she’s worth wasting your time on, frankly.

You’ll never get “the real story”, because everyone has their own filters. But if you can get hers, and then your fathers, you might get something that helps you understand the underlying history and dynamics of your family and its players better.

As for the wedding, it’ll blow over. My husband ended up essentially eloping, with only two of our assorted 6 parental units there, and there was indeed a lot of whining and complaining and hurt feelings afterwards. It lasted for several years, but I think we’ve finally heard the end of it - our 7th anniversary is coming up this summer.

3

Whynot:

I have asked her flat out. I got one response that my dad hit her once, her words.

I know my father. He’s NEVER been violent with anyone my whole life. Yes, he has a bit of a temper, but I’ve never heard that he has ever hit anyone.

That’s not a one time thing and never happens again kind of thing, and frankly, I don’t believe it.

Don’t worry about being blunt. I certainly appreciate it.

I think I’m just looking for validation that it’s alright if I chose I want nothing more to do with her. But, that’s not in my nature. I just don’t understand her wanting to walk away, once again.

See, the way I look at it…if I had a child I hadn’t seen in 27 years, I think I would do everything I could to build a relationship and make it up to that child.

Don’t you?

4

Well, that’s you, though. Maybe she doesn’t feel the same connection. After all, she chose to walk and not look back for 27 years. Now she wants validation that everything is wonderful. You don’t owe her a relationship.

And if she walked out because your father was supposedly violent, what does sit say that she left you behind in that household?

What does your bio-father say happened?

Personally, I’d say that you’re an adult - you have the right to chose what your relationship is going to be. If it isn’t enough for her, that’s her problem, not yours.

StG

5

Maybe? Sorry, that sounds vague. It does sound like, at the very least, she’s rather self-absorbed. But it’s also simply possible she made a deal with your dad years ago and is trying to honor it by letting you make all the moves and not “stealing” you away from him.

Basically, generally, I feel family is made by what you do and how you love one another, not by DNA. Two of your real, honest-to-goodness, there for you when you skinned your knees and went to prom parents have died, and that sucks. Your third parent is your dad. Your mom, and again, forgive the bluntness here, sounds like she gave them and you the great and wonderful gift of being a surrogate for 12 months. There’s value in that, but she’s not your mom. Your mom is dead.

You two can choose to get past whatever’s in the past and forge a relationship as adults, but she can never be the one who showed you how to use a tampon and held you when you cried 'cause Missy was mean to you at recess and brushed your hair in the mornings, because that was all done by someone else - your “real” mom, who other people might call your grandmother.

And frankly, I don’t think you can get past the past without knowing what it was. I couldn’t anyway. “He hit me once” doesn’t tell you why she didn’t write, or send birthday cards or call you when you turned 18.

So, yeah, there it is. If the permission of some random person on the internet helps, you absolutely have my permission to treat her like any other adult you’re hesitant about striking up a friendship with.

6

This is similar to my take on it. The position that you and your mother are in now has nothing to do with YOUR choices. It was all stuff that was decided amongst the adults when you were not old enough to have any control. As far as I’m concerned, it is her job to try to create a relationship at this point, including accepting whatever you are able to give to it. The attempt to make you feel guilty over your wedding is a bunch of BS if you ask me…you should in NO way feel bad about it.

It irritates me when parents are not involved in their children’s lives, and then walk back in and expect the now-grown child to pretend as if nothing ever happened. Emotional relationships between parents and children grow over time…they do not just exist because of blood. It will be great if you and your mother can work it out and have a real relationship, but she can’t expect one to just appear overnight, or to not have to work at it.

7

Thing is, as others have said, a normal parent-child relationship is built by changing diapers, teaching the kid to count, to sing the ABC’s, teaching the kid to drive, grounding the kid if/when appropriate, sending the kid to college, buying a first car, maybe a house and gradually developing a more peer-to-peer relationship, before one day looking around and realizing that old age and ill health require the child to take responsibility for the parent, pick out a nursing home, share doctor’s visits, plan the funeral.

Not everyone gets that relationship or that cycle of events.

If you have a child and don’t see that child for 27 years, you will never have the relationship you would have had if you did see that child all along. And plenty of people have such horrible relationships with their parents that they either choose to cut off contact, or we wonder why they stay in contact.

If your mother were a different kind of person, you might be in here saying “Need help with Birth Mother relationship. We never talked until recently, and now she wants to have dinner with me weekly. Ack! I didn’t/don’t do that with the family I grew up with. How do I establish some boundaries?”

(Also, am I correct in assuming that both of your birth parents were pretty young when you were born?)

So you don’t have that type of family history. That’s not neccessarily all bad. but figuring out what kind of relationship you want with her is harder.

I don’t know that you should cut her out of your life. But I think it’s ok to say "You know, I think I’d be happier calling/emailing/writing you on birthdays and Christmas. If I have children, I won’t cut you out of their lives, but I don’t promise to ask you for free babysitting every week, either. "
(Disclaimer: Not that I have any experience with any of your situation. But I do have friends who have had variations on your experiences. And a little common sense never hurt anyone).

8

Don’t let your birth mother (or anyone else) make you feel guilty if you choose not to have a relationship with her. She had the chance to have a relationship with you and she made the choice to give it up - for whatever reason. “He hit me once” is a reason to leave a man/husband, not a child.

There are Dopers who have had to sever ties with the parents who raised them because of toxic relationships. You don’t owe this woman anything other than what you wish to give her. And you certainly need to know if she is reasonably sane before deciding if you want your future children to know her.

9

Wow, lots to respond to in a short time since I left work!!

WhyNot:

You are absolutely, 100% right in saying that my real parent are gone. I definately feel that she will never, ever replace my true Mom.

She keeps saying that my family kept me from her. The way she talks is like my family were the Corleone’s and no one dared cross them. They were a real estate broker and a stay at home mom, not mobsters who’d whack someone for coming near their child.

I know they legally adopted me, and was told that was to “keep me safe”. The only person who’d ever be honest enough with me to ask was my grandfather, but I never asked him what all that meant before it was too late to ask.

I have asked my father and he doesn’t want to talk about it. I think it’s time he talked about it whether he likes it or not.

I agree that if, and that’s a big IF, my dad hit her, she had every right to leave him, but why leave me? Why leave me there if he was abusive? That’s another question she can never answer.

Sarahfeena:

This certainly hasn’t been overnight. It’s been over 7 years. The first 2 years were spent building a relationship, then she moved away.

Eureka:

Actually, no. My Dad was 25 and she was 26. But, from what I understand, she was told she could never have children AND she was on the pill.

Hmmmm…

So… maybe she never wanted children?? Huh. I just had an epiphany.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that I don’t think I want a relationship with her. So far we have been happy with the few monthly emails.

My birthday was December 15th. I didn’t get an e-card from her until December 17th.

The first year I knew her, I went and got one of those multi picture frames, took a whole bunch of pictures from my life as a child, teenager and adult and put them in there, and glued some nice ribbon around the edges. She was THRILLED with that. She got to see me grow up a little bit, and I felt bad that she hadn’t.

My best friend has said over and over that she (my mother) is not mother material. She doesn’t have what it takes to be a mother. I think she’s right.

10

Lady Venom,

If you don’t want a relationship with your Birth Mother, you are not obligated to have one. Or you can have one which is defined by a few monthly e-mails.

But, I had another thought, before I read your new post. And I think it’s a good one, so I’m going to share it. If a lot of your feeling of ambivalence towards her stems from an insufficiently happy response to the news that you got married and didn’t include her, cut her some more slack. (If it’s more the final straw, that’s different, and the rest of my thoughts probably don’t apply.)

Weddings cause stress in families. Even without Bridezillas, and with proper lengths of time between the announcement that there will be a wedding and the Big Day, weddings cause stress. I’ve known several brides who agonized over whether to ask their bio-dad or their Step-Dad to walk them down the aisle. In at least one case, she asked both, Bio-dad was pissed not to get center stage, StepDad was tickled pink to be included and totally willing to share the stage. And Bride was irked at Biodad because if she only got to include one, she wanted StepDad, the guy who was around all the time.

Weddings done on short notice or without large chunks of family cause stress.

Your Birth Mother probably feels insecure in her relationship to you. So when you say “Hey, we didn’t just not invite you, we didn’t invite 15 other close relatives” she may hear “We wanted you so little at our wedding that we chose not to invite 15 other close relatives so it wouldn’t be obvious that we left you out”.

(And then there’s my friend who cried on her wedding day because her mother was mad that the groom’s mother knew about the baby on the way but no one told the bride’s mother. There was no baby. In fact, bride and groom were waiting until after the wedding to start doing the kinds of things which usually result in babies. (And when they started, they used birth control. Baby showed up perfectly on schedule a month before their 5th wedding anniversary). (No, I don’t know why the Groom’s mother was talking about grandchildren to the point that the Bride’s mother thought their was a grandchild on the way). Weddings make people crazy.)

So it wouldn’t surprise me if the logical part of her brain understands that she hasn’t earned the right to a feature role in your wedding, or in your life, but the emotional part is still very, very hurt.

11

We don’t have ex-mothers.

You have all the rights here, your birth mother has very little in the way of rights.

But, you don’t want to just let it go, and not ever be in contact. That would be as easy as getting a new email account.

So, don’t slam any doors, don’t burn any bridges, but don’t participate in any painful dredging up of memories. They aren’t even your memories, they are hers. And I have a really strong feeling that they are very painful ones. We have no ex-children, either.

Get someone who is kind, honest, and sensible, and have them contact her, if that works better for her. Let them feel out just how far this reunion can go, without intruding into your child’s babyhood. Pick someone you can trust, and then trust them.

I hope you can find a path that leads your child away from this family history of hurt.

Tris

12

See Tris, that’s the thing. I couldn’t CARE LESS about what happened to ruin her relationship with my father…

But, she keeps bringing it up that “I don’t know the half of it” Either tell me, or stop bringing it up.

As for having someone else contact her…that wouldn’t work.

Eureka:

This is, honestly, the last straw.

Everything is always about her. If you see my email, whenever I’d initiate contact with her, I got that she’s so busy. Too busy to take 5 seconds and rip me off a quick email.

13

To me, this doesn’t seem that long…2 years, after so many years of no contact doesn’t seem like much time to build a relationship, and then trying to do it long-distance after that is tough. But my point was that she shouldn’t be putting any of it on your shoulders. SHE should be initiating the e-mails and such, not leaving you to do it, you know? And more importantly, she needs to be accepting of whatever it is that you feel that you can give to the relationship, and not trying to make you feel guilty about it.

14

Lady Venom,

Then you are entirely justified in wanting to minimize your relationship with her. Sounds like she’s a stressful person to have in your life.

15

Absolutely.

I realize we’re just the peanuts gallery, but really… if at 26 she’d wanted to take care of you, she would have. She wouldn’t have been the first woman to do so, nor the last. It sounds to me like on one hand she never really had any interest on having a child, yet on the other she’s spun a story out of cotton candy and saturday afternoon movies, with a “my daughter” who is a perfect - cardboard cutout.

I know two women who left their months-olds babies behind but who wanted them years later, when they married men who wanted children “oh, gee, I have one! It just happens to be in storage!”. You’re much older than those children were; thankfully your birthgiver can’t go to court for your custody. But I doubt she’s as interested in getting to know you as in fitting you within this hole marked “my daughter” she’s mentally built.

You may need to get both birthparents to give you the damn goods for your own peace of mind. Whether you really need this or not, you’re the only one who has to tell. But you have absolutely NO obligation to your birthmom. At all.

16

Really good points, Nava. *Really *good.