Fuck you, my birth mother!

The BBQ Pit
1

Just to avoid confustion, I am not saying “fuck you” to my wonderful adoptive parents in Buffalo. No, this is to the ditzy girl from Auburn, New York who had unprotected sex sometime in 1965, the end result being me.

Why should I say “fuck you?” Yeah, I should be lucky that you didn’t abort me. That’s not relevant, though. You see, when you go looking for the kid that you put up for adoption, you should be prepared for the consequences, the Pandora’s box that may open. Especially considering that you eventually married my birth father, and had three other kids … two sons, and a daughter.

Met you. Reunion went wonderfully, on the surface. Met your sons, my brothers. Went well, although I felt a bit awkward. However, now you decide that you will never, never, ever, ever tell my sister about my existence. Why? Because … you’re afraid she’ll get mad at you for keeping a secret for so long, and that since she just graduated from RIT, she’ll experience emotional stress.

Lovely. Growing up as an only child, you dangle SIBLINGS in front of my face, and then … YANK! Pull one of them away, beyond my reach. WHAT A FUCKING TEASE. Sure, you’re avoiding a situation where a daughter might be mad at you for a few weeks, and the awkwardness of having to explain why you told the sons but not her earlier. Still, though, that’s nothing compared to the torment of knowing that I have a sister who will never, ever know of my existence. Thanks … treating me like the bastard child that I am.

What else? Well, one thing I feared most in my life was being alone after my adoptive parents pass away. You see, they’re in their mid-70s, and not in great health anymore. I have a very small, loose extended family, with no immediate aunts, uncles or cousins. I’m not married, and it looks unlikely that I ever will get hitched. You’re … what, 55 years old? You told me that I’d never have to worry about being alone again? Now, though, since I’m this big secret, that’s out the window. Another thing dangled in front of my face … the security of knowing that I won’t be floating alone in the world in ten or so years, gone.

Here’s the deal, birth mom. You tell my sister about me. If you don’t … so long Dan, or Christopher Michael as it says on my other birth certificate. Looks like the novelty of finding your long-lost son wore off, huh?

Bitch.

2

Oh how cruel.
How are her sons supposed to keep this a secret though? I mean, it is very unfair to ask that of them. If your birth mom wasn’t sure about ALL of your sibs knowing, she shouldn’t have told ANY of them, IMO.

3

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Why did she want to see you in the first place then?

Just hold onto the love of your real parents, the ones who brought you up. It’s not blood that matters, it’s love. I have two second cousins whose DNA came from South Korea. But damn, they are written into the family tree and they are family!

4

Color me confused. Did I miss something in the OP? Why not make contact with your sister on your own? :confused:

5

Well, I could sicne I have her e-mail address. However, she’s living at home with Mom … forget mail or phone calls. Also, if she finds out I told her, that could mean that I’d lose her and the brothers.

Right now it’s …

Status quo: birth mom, two brothers, no sister
Contact sister: sister, no birth mom, no brothers

Personally, I’d rather have all or nothing. If it’s nothing, though, I would probably feel like I’d have to take vengeance … so that means contacting my birth mom’s sisters and brothers, and turning Central New York into a war zone.

I don’t know …

6

They’re the folks I call “Mom” and “Dad” I’m visiting them as I type this (I live in KC, they’re in Buffalo) :slight_smile:

Still, though, they are old. When they go, I’ll be alone. There’s friends, but little family. My birth mom promised me that I would never have to worry about feeling alone … there’s siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole tight extended family that I don’t have. However, if I’m still the bastard child, a secret that she’s not willing to reveal to her daughter, much less other relatives, I can forget about not feeling alone.

Before “d-day,” as I call it, being alone in the near future was one of my biggest worries. For a while, that black veil was lifted. Now, though, it’s back, along with knowing that there’s another family out there, a huge fork off of my otherwise Charlie Brown-sized family tree.

7

B-mom’s e-mail, from a few days ago.

Sa*** is fine and seeking a job …She does not know about you and may not ever …Sorry Dan…just can’t do it!!!..I know it’s difficult for you to understand…Your life has been honest and comfortable with your wonderful parents…I have lived this secret (lie) for so long that I just can’t disrupt her life with this story…Sc*** and Sh*** know… but don’t seem to want to pursue adding the sharing of this secret to their lives…I know this is painful for you, but it doesn’t solve any mystery that know one knows
about… Our lives have been strained just having Mike in them for all of the years…The secret of you adds to the torment of him and how he treated all of us…I am sparing Sa*** anymore… I am so sorry…I thought it might be different, but it can’t be…

Fucking weak insecure bitch.

8

elmwood that’s really sad. Do you have a therapist involved with the reunion or anyone who could mediate with your mother? I cannot imagine that keeping this kind of secret is healthy for anyone in her family and with your brothers knowing, sooner or later it must come into the open. Where’s your birth father in all this?

I’m so sorry this is happening for you, I cannot imagine many crueller things in the context of reunion. I hope you can find a solution.

9

What a completely fucked-up thing to do to your own child! The woman’s fifty-five and she’s still not owning up to the consequences of her actions, or showing you the consideration you deserve.

And she’d know that because she’s been such a large part of your life the past few years. Oh, wait…

You forgot “selfish”. It could be argued that, as a pregnant teen, she gave you up because she just wasn’t able to handle having a child and hoped adoption would be better for you, but she seems to have reconnected with you just for the drama of finding her long-lost son.

:mad:

What the hell was she hoping to do by insinuating herself into your life and then trying to keep you in the background, seperate from the family that you are, by blood, a full part of! She’s not concerned about anyone but herself, no matter what excuses she pulls out. It’s not her sister’s life she’s concerned with, it’s how she’ll look in your sister’s eyes.

I know that’s a lot of assumptions for me to make, but this is the Pit and self-centered parents get under my skin something awful.

[[[HUGSforelmwood]]]

Suzene

10

Sounds like my mom. I feel for you, man.

11

You know, if Birth Mother waits, and tells the daughter later but daughter finds out that the brothers found out quite a while before she did, that’s going to cause problems. If Birth Mother waits, and the daughter finds out from any source other than Birth Mother before Birth Mother makes up her mind to start telling the whole truth, that’s going to cause even greater problems. Sister is an adult, probably 21 or 22 given that she’s just graduated from college. She’s obviously intelligent, having attended RIT. The concept of keeping her in the dark for her own good is spurious – this is about Birth Mother’s feelings, not sister’s, and that just sucks.

elmwood, I hope that something changes, perhaps your brothers will decide that sister should be told. Perhaps Birth Mother will grow a spine. Maybe sister will do some snooping to figure out the secret that everyone around her seems to know, and will contact you herself. Whatever result comes of all of this, you’ll be in my thoughts. I’m terribly sorry that you’ve been treated this way.

12

Yeah, fuck her.

Could you maybe talk to your brothers? Maybe they can be persuaded to tell your sister, or at least pressure your birth mother some. It’s a thought.

13

Sorry to hear how things have been for you.

Here’s something for you to consider:

You’ve met the extended family you never had before. THey are going to keep the secret from one of them, effectively rubbing you out of the picture. Why not just reach out to her?

You may lose them, but you say you’ve already lost them if you can’t have the remaining sibling anyways.

Sam

14

elmwood.

I remember not that long ago, when you thought you’d found her. You posted in MPSIMS. I encouraged you to keep going. To make contact. I was thrilled for you.

Why? Because I myself am a birthmother. And a reunited adoptee. And the sibling of an adoptee (my mom relinquished a child also). I’m also had two more children (that I’m raising), and I’m also raising my stepson (yes, raising–he lives with my husband and me).

So all I can say to you right now is…chill, man.

Of course you want to be reunited with your sister. And you will be. Just not right now, okay?

Your birthmother didn’t raise you. But she DID raise your sister. Your birthmother knows your sister better than you do. Your birthmother had to make a choice, man. And I don’t mean at your birth–I mean NOW. She had to think about you, and about your sister. She had to think about each of her children, and how to tell them about this. Their personalities. How they’d deal with it. I’m sure she hoped they’d deal with it the way she actually WANTED them to (that is, in a positive manner), but I know for sure she had doubts.

But the one thing she always knew–ALWAYS knew–was that YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE YOU. If she had to pick a child to give short shrift to, it HAD to be you. Yes, it sucks total ass. But it was the lesser of two evils. She’ll cope with you being madder than hell at her, because she will always know that YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE YOU.

She had a decision to make, based on what she knows about the child she DID raise, and the child she DIDN’T. And she made her decision, knowing full bloody well that you would NOT like it. But she also knows full bloody well that even if you walk away from her forever, you’ll be happy eventually, because YOU’RE STILL SUCKING AIR, AND YOU HAVE A FAMILY THAT LOVES YOU. And she can live with that. No doubt it hurts her, but as a birthmother I can say this: if the daughter I relinquished 14 years ago ever walked up to me and said “Cristi, you suck, I hate you, and I never want to see you again,” well, I’d deal. It’d suck hugely, but I’d live. Because I would know that my child was part of a family she loved, and that loved her just as much as I do.

And your birthmother will give you up NOW just like she did when you were born, for the same reasons. Because you will have a better life if she does it. Yes. If you walk away because she says it’s not time for you to meet your sister, she will let you. She’ll be sad, and she’ll try to fix it, but in the long run, she’ll do what’s best for the both of you, and that is to let you go yet again.

So please, elmwood, step back and think. Just breathe, think, and cool off. I’m not saying you have no right to be angry, or that you have no right to your sister. Because you DO, on BOTH counts. But try and see it through your birthmother’s eyes for a minute. And please, please, please, do NOT stop talking to your birthmother. Express your anger to her. Tell her what you feel and why you feel it, and please LISTEN to what she has to say. Her reasoning might not make sense to YOU, but in her eyes, it might be precisely the right thing to do, right now, at this point in time. Maybe she’s wrong. Maybe you’re wrong. I don’t know. But if you stop talking to her, you won’t find out, nor will either of you be moved one way or the other.

My email is my profile. Please feel free to contact me anytime. Even if it’s to say terrible things. I’m here, man.

All the best,
Cristi

15

elmwood,

I’m very sorry.

Listen to Cristi - she has a lot of good advice. Blow off steam here, but don’t do anything rash to shut doors. I, too, am intertwined in the adoption triad - an adoptive mom, the daughter of an adoptee, the daughter in law of a birth mom.

Also, take a look at the expectations you have for your birth family. They don’t seem realistic to me. My sister-in-law (the child my mother in law placed for adoption 40-odd years ago), does not integrate seamlessly into the birthfamily (like you and your sibs, my husband, brother-in-law and her are full sibs) - and she has been part of it for over twenty years. We’ve all tried, but twenty years post reunion it is still awkward, she still feels left out. She feels more like an in-law to my husband than a sister - he is closer to his cousins. And to the cousins/aunts/uncles she is still more distant.

Adult siblings are strange - even the ones you grew up with. I’m close to mine - and I haven’t talked to my baby sister in three months. My father hasn’t talked to his brother in years. If you are afraid of being alone, cultivate your friendships - those people are there for you by choice, not by duty, and that is far more meaningful.

16

How about sending a card at Christmas? Then your sister can ask, “Who’s Elmwood?”

17

You think she’s a weak, insecure bitch. The people you are so desperate to have - rather than be alone - were raised by her.

Are you sure you know what kind of family you’re walking into?

Half the posts in the Pit are some form of complaint about family. You’re in the unique position of being able to choose your family, so to speak. You’re meeting these people as an adult. You get to evaluate them as an adult. You can choose to walk away as an adult. It may be better for your mental health to be alone than to be manipulated by these people.

18

Much in the vein of what Persephone wrote, I would just enjoy the newfound relationship with your birth mother and brothers and just wait. At this point too many people in that family now know about you–and a secret (well, ex-secret, really) like that is hard to keep from your sister. Or it should prove to be at any rate.

If you contact your sister yourself–against the wishes of your birth mother–you take the chance of alienating your birth family. If you let the naturalness of loose lips and sinking ships take over, your birth brothers will more than likely blab all to your birth sister. At that point, her knowledge of you will not have come from you, so your birth mom won’t feel like she has a reason to halt what could prove to be a great relartionship (or set of relationships) between you and your birth family.

And if your birth mom is weak and insecure as MrMyth and you have proclaimed (although, my guess would be that she’s just confused by this all; she may be the “mother” in this, but keep in mind she’s running the rails on an emotional roller coaster, too), then I doubt anything you say in anger or as an ultimatum is going to change that.

Patience is the key here–if you’ll pardon the cliche.

And if you need anything, remember that I’m in your town; send me an e-mail and we can meet up if you’d like–or just talk.

19

Excellent. Got a bunch of stuff out there. It’s fucking good to get it out.

20

Skip, I’m not saying she’s weak and insecure. I just pointed out that elmwood already thinks she is. I’m saying that if she really is that bad, choose not get involved with her.